Mother, May I Sleep with Treacher?

Since it looks like I'm getting more hits than usual this morning, I figured I'd take the opportunity to put all 25 of those Onion-style headlines I did last week in one place. (You know, like how each member of the Onion staff has to come up with 25 headlines every week? Seemed like a fun challenge.) I just sort of posted them as I thought of them, so here's the unbroken list. If you've already read these, I don't want to hear it because that's what your scrollbar is for:

Ja Rule Flatly Rejects Demands To Halt Fronting Campaign

Aaron Brown To Finish Thought

Area Boy Touched On Boy Area

Natalie Maines: "We're More Popular Than Mohammed Now"

Kim Jong-il Thinks He's People

Bob Newhart Anticipates Call From Lorne Michaels, Practices New Zealand Accent [Insert picture of Peter Arnett]

Another Emaciated Blonde Finds Self Trapped In Dance Sequence With Christina Applegate

Lenny Kravitz Fails To, Rocks Vote

John Gibson Vainly Represses Thirst For Human Blood

Class Of '87 Starting To Feel It

Pestilence Ups Ante

Stalin Hosts "Meet 'n' Greet" For Saddam

April 1st Renamed "Fuck All Jeters Day"

Sneer Quotes Considered

Dan Rather Ignores Pesky Sprites

Southpaw Ruins Money Shot

Jack Bauer's Colon Explodes

Toby Keith Finds Rhyme For "Stand Bigger"

Skarsgård Proud To Introduce New SARS-Gards^TM

Cellular Phone Triggers Cellular Division

Geraldo Learns To Love Self

Loaf Pinched

Rumsfeld Torments Press Corps With Bolts Of Mystic Energy

Freedom Fries Renamed Imperialist Baby-Killer Crisps

Jobless Blogger Fends Off Suicidal Impulses For Another Week