Bushington, DB -- In a televised address from somewhere inside one of his 57 palaces, President George W. Bush today issued a fatwa on actress/comedienne Janeane Garofalo, calling for "all noble American people to hunt down the godless dog Garofalo and bring her to me alive." Bush then stepped back from the ornatedly carved podium and pressed a button on a large industrial plastic-shredding machine behind him, into which a pair of Secret Service agents slowly lowered a futilely struggling lamb, hooves first. "Such is the fate of all who would oppose me," Bush intoned, over the grinding of the shredder and the anguished shrieks of the gradually pulverized animal.
"The infidel Michael Moore," continued the heavily bejeweled president, after the gore-streaked machine had finished its work, "is to be soaked in kerosene and burned alive in the street, and the smoldering ashes mocked and spat upon by children and old women. Let it be so. Let it be so. The hopeless monkey Tim Robbins, who merely will be decapitated on the steps of the Bush [formerly Lincoln] Memorial, may count himself among the fortunate. God is great." Also named in the 45-minute statement were Sean Penn (drowning), Barbara Streisand (poison gas), Martin Sheen (the bastinado, followed by suffocation, flaying of the shins and forearms, more bastinado, and finally beheading), and Saved By the Bell star Dustin Diamond (genital electrocution), as well as several dozen other noted entertainers and the increasingly savage and complex methods of torture and/or execution in store for them.
After describing in precise detail how Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, over a period of days, will be sliced into "as many pieces as there are stars in the midnight sky" with electrically charged wire-saws while being doused at irregular intervals with buckets of habanero sauce, "such that the very fires of Hell will bring relief," Bush then ended the speech by hoisting a bolt-action rifle over his head, squeezing shut his kohl-rimmed eyes, and bellowing a stream of glossolalia, or "speaking in tongues," for several minutes.
Garofalo -- who has gone into hiding in and around her Los Angeles home since her appearances this week on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, MTV, BET, HGTV, The View, The Caroline Rhea Show, the Portland morning talk show Wakin' Up with Connie and Chuck, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Daily Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and Blind Date -- responded to Bush's decree in a posting to the online outreach community CelebsRpeople2.com: "It's just so typical of the duplicitous mainstream media to look the other way while actors and other public figures are being silenced. Everything's just fine, people, go back to sleep. Wait, how is anybody even reading this?"
(Apologies to The Onion (duh))