June 16, 2003
Attack of the Colorforms
If George Lucas had a huge booger hanging down his face, would any of his serfs have the nerve to tell him? That's what we kept asking ourselves yesterday as we watched Attack of the Clones on Dad's Tivo. None of us had seen it yet, after surviving the previous one, and sitting through the whole thing was pretty much an endurance test.
"Fast-forward through this part, Dad, come on."
"What are you, some kinda wuss? Can't take the pain, college boy?"
It was only out of respect for Father's Day that we didn't wrestle the old sadist to the carpet and pry the remote out of his hands.
When they were making this stultifying lightshow, did anybody even hint to Lucas that in no way does it resemble an actual story depicted by actors with human emotions? "That's a really pretty alien, George, but why is any of this happening? Why all the Meeting Of The High Council scenes that only fill the viewer with despair? And how the fuck do you make Samuel L. Jackson boring?" Obviously, Lucas spent a lot more time moving his little digital puppets and spaceships around the screen than dealing with autonomous organisms who might question his judgment. Yeah, okay, there was the Yoda vs. Assisted Living Dracula fight scene, but 45 seconds of "That was cool" doesn't make up for the preceding 17 hours of "Let me borrow that light saber so I can slice my eyes out." Even benching Jar Jar (Lucas obviously studied The Phantom Edit) didn't help.
Edelstein tried to look on the bright side, but I'm with Zacharek even if she didn't appreciate Natalie Portman's midriff-baring outfit. At least Portman's navel gave me something to focus on during the visual chaos of the last half-hour.
Posted by Jim Treacher at June 16, 2003 08:00 AM