July 28, 2003

Treach-Whore*: Ponce de Leon was a pussy

Pete wants me to write about: "Old people."

Everybody knows at least one old person. You might be one yourself, or well on your way. When I was little, I used to think old people were really scary and crazy, but then I started to think that maybe they're just terrified of what's happening to them. Oldness happens to everybody eventually, right? It's not fair, but I guess that's how it goes. No matter how bad you fail in life or how many opportunities you miss, you don't get a reset button. Someday you're going to find yourself paying for your cat food and Metamucil with exact change, unable to hear the impatient sighs of the whippersnappers in line behind you because you're trying to save the battery in your hearing aid, and that's if you're lucky.

Now, it's not like you should be required to know who Interpol is, or why anybody cares about Dave Eggers, or else they'll revoke your driver's license. But maybe the young people of today should make friends with the oldies and drive them around so they don't take a leisurely trip through any pedestrians? If you see an elderly person at a stop light, just jump into their car and take the wheel. Say something like, "This is quite a car, 'Jack'!" This will put them at ease because you respect them enough to use their old-people slang. Let me know how it goes!

BOB HOPE R.I.P.

Posted by Jim Treacher at July 28, 2003 04:46 PM