October 20, 2003

I still wonder if Tom Selleck would've been any good (not really)

In honor of tomorrow's release of the Indiana Jones flicks on DVD, and in honor of my own continuing apathy and despair, here's a rerun from last May:

The good news is that they're finally going to put all the Indiana Jones movies on DVD. The bad news is that it sounds like Indy will be looking for "artifacts" inside his own adult undergarment before they come up with a script for the fourth movie. So here's my attempt to get things rolling. If Steven Spielberg or anybody reads this, feel free to use this scene as long as you give me a lot of money.

FADE IN:

INT. CAVE OR SOMEPLACE

Indy is in a big room full of evil guys that are trying to kill him. He is a lot older than in the last movie because it is later in his life. He is with his faithful teenage sidekick Helga. She is totally hot. (Kristen Durst?)

INDY
(showing off)
Check this shit out.

Indy whips a ton of guys with his bullwhip. He is wailing on them hard and they die. Another one runs up to Indy and is really screaming like crazy. Indy makes a face and punches him in the face.

HELGA
(impressed)
That was pretty awesome. This is the '50s or early '60s!

Helga jumps way up in the air and kicks a bunch of bad guys with her fighting powers. She kicks maybe 20-30 bad guys.

HELGA
I got sole!

INDY
De-feet them!

Suddenly all the bad guys run away. Indy smiles and wipes bad-guy blood off his bowtie.

INDY
I might be old, but I can still rock some ass!

Then we see that all the bad guys ran away because a super-huge bad guy (CGI?) just came up behind Indy. Indy is all like he doesn't know the guy is behind him. Helga is making "look behind you, idiot" motions but Indy's just like "What?" The huge guy grabs Indy and throws him all over the place.

INDY
(surprised)
Why didn't you tell me there was a guy?!?

Indy makes a face. Then he pulls himself together and kicks some ass. The giant monster-type guy dies!

INDY
Whew! Now let's go get the treasure out of this cave or whatever!

They get the treasure and there is a lot more talking and punching and a big ending, this is just to give you an idea. Thank you.

REAL Ultimate Power!!!
Patton Oswalt Talent Showcase
Posted by Jim Treacher at October 20, 2003 10:33 AM