December 10, 2003

I Think the Show Is Named for the Number of Brain Cells He Has Left

From: Jack.Bauer@ctu.gov
To: Tony.Almeida@ctu.gov
Subject: Elphay ithway Alazarsay Oblempray?

Tony -

Any thoughts on the whole Ramon Salazar problem? We need to get him out of prison, and I need to work my way back into his organization. I've got his brother Hector convinced I'm on the take, but what's the next step? I'm stumped, amigo.

Jack

***

From: Tony.Almeida@ctu.gov
To: Jack.Bauer@ctu.gov
Subject: Re: Elphay ithway Alazarsay Oblempray?

Jack -

Sorry, I've got this really bad case of the flu, and it's like my brainpan is packed with the dense, moist adobe used by my proud ancestors. Amazing what a tiny little virus can do to a person. Can I get back to you on that one when I have una cabeza clara?

Tony

***

From: Jack.Bauer@ctu.gov
To: Tony.Almeida@ctu.gov
Subject: Re: Elphay ithway Alazarsay Oblempray?

Virus? That's it! Tony, you're a genius. Here's what we'll do:

1. Infect one of Salazar's street dealers with a deadly virus. Like, really deadly. Really really deadly. I think I know the guy we should use, too. Nobody'll miss him.

2. Dump his corpse in front of CDC headquarters or whatever it's called. (Maybe set off a small bomb, just in case nobody notices the pustulant corpse blocking the door?)

3. Have somebody call CTU with a bio-terror threat. "See what happened to that guy? Release Salazar or we release this virus." Something along those lines. You think Gael would be up for making the call? He's Mexican or something, right? What are you guys, Mexican? Puerto Rican? Whatever, he'd be able to pull off the accent. Come to think of it, let's have Gael pretend to switch sides along with me, and then he can report to Hector from inside CTU. Gael's pretty shifty, even for your kind. (No offense.) He'll be perfect.

4. I think I can get Hector to move some product into the country with the virus in it. Wait, no, that's nuts. Think, Jack, think! Okay, how about this: We'll make it look like the corpse got it from virus-laced heroin, and then make it look like some unsuspecting mule is bringing more of the same into the country. Get some dumb kid to do it, we can let Hector pick one. Trick the kid into thinking he's infected, maybe? No reason, just, you know. Might be funny.

5. When we tell President Palmer about the "virus threat" and he says he won't negotiate with terrorists, which is what he'll say because, well, he's President Palmer, I'll offer to... to... God, it's hot in here... so anyway, I... oh, Jesus... nnnnnnghhh... hold on, Tony, I need to go take care of someth


***

From: Tony.Almeida@ctu.gov
To: Jack.Bauer@ctu.gov
Subject: Re: Elphay ithway Alazarsay Oblempray?

Wow.

So. Heroin, was it?


(Just kidding, guys!)

Posted by Jim Treacher at December 10, 2003 03:36 PM
Comments

all this picking of nits is fine and good, mr. smarty, but what does it have to do with dennis haysbert being the sexiest president in the history of america?

Posted by: betty at December 10, 2003 09:34 PM

Well, second-sexiest. He's no Rock Hudson!

Posted by: Jim Treacher at December 11, 2003 12:19 AM

And yet I still love the show. One of the few shows I still watch. Why might that be? Michelle's bouncy bouncy routine around CTU might help explain. And you never know when Sherry might pop back up, especially with Dr. [zzzzzz] Anne out of the picture. So it goes, I guess. Season 2 rocked harder than anything I'd ever seen on the teevee so I guess I'm just waiting for them to be brilliant again.

Oh, and FU, Chase. Boob. No wonder Jack wanted him off field duty: it's not just because he's dating Kim. It's because he's a nitwit who might get his fool self kilt and he's dating Kim.

Posted by: Brian Jones at December 17, 2003 01:33 PM

Well, I kind of sympathize with Chase. He's just behaving as if there was such a thing as logic in the 24 universe. It's not his fault Bauer went all Rube Goldberg.

Posted by: Jim Treacher at December 17, 2003 01:51 PM

Jack shuoldn't like Chase because the actor playing him is terrible

Posted by: Sally Cressler at January 3, 2004 11:44 AM