February 27, 2004

'Cause We're. Goin' to the Chapel, and It's. Really Not Like That.

As we Americans* know, it's our God-given right to be provided with a steady stream of fake controversies to freak out about. And boy oh boy, there's never been a better time to convince yourself you're outraged. You've got the Janet's Thumbtacked Flapjack Scandal, the Crazy Guy from OutKast Onstage at the Grammies Dressed Like an Irish Tonto Debacle, the Shock Jock Who's Actually Kind of Boring and, Uh, Whatever It Was He Did the Other Day Fiasco, the Lethal Weapon 5: Christ Almighty Hubbub, and however many earth-shattering controversies have broken out between the time I typed this and the time I clicked Save.

But right now I want to talk to you about the most important issue of our lifetime this week: same-sex marriage. It's literally tearing this country apart, assuming you're confused about the definition of the word "literally." Well, I'm nothing if not a problem-solver, and the solution to this divisive issue came to me in a flash of what can only be described as genius. It's a little tactic borrowed from our armed forces:

Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

That's right! If two guys or two gals want to get hitched, no problem, as long as there's none of that fruity stuff in public. Instead of a kiss to seal the bond of holy matrimony, the guys can exchange a firm handshake. (Or if they're really feeling the moment, maybe one of those hugs where you slap the other guy's back a couple times so he knows you're not a homo.) Chicks, I guess they could make out a little after they say "I do," but only if they don't look too Rosie-ish. And then, whatever they want to do to each other in private from then on, fine, but making normal people uncomfortable with any PDAs (Public Displays of Affection, or Pretty Demonstrative Assplay) is strictly out of the question. Okay? That's a deal-breaker.

Although when you really think about it, why is everybody assuming that a same-sex marriage is automatically gay? What if two dudes are just really good friends and like hanging out? I mean, spending time with each other? Have you ever actually seen them doing it? Huh? Then you don't know! Two guys can be roommates and that doesn't mean they're gay, right? So why can't they tie the knot? Maybe it's just for tax purposes or something, gutter-brain. Try not to jump to conclusions next time.

Hetero same-sex weddings would save a lot of headaches, too. Guys could wear khakis to the ceremony and have the reception at Hooters; girls could frill it up as much as they wanted, and both sets of parents could split the costs 50/50. And in the long term, taking the whole "expecting sex" thing off the table would add years to a lot of marriages. It just makes good sense.

So there you go. Oh, and... America? You're welcome.

*If you're reading this from some other country, I'm really sorry to hear that.

Posted by Jim Treacher at February 27, 2004 08:31 AM