June 02, 2004

Here's a thing I like to do where I sit on my ass and watch online trailers for movies I'll never see and then type up stupid snotty unfair crap about them

Constantine: Keanu Reeves branches out in this tale of a pallid, black-clad loner with supernatural powers who seems to gravitate toward damp, dilapidated, poorly lit buildings. Based on a DC Comics series about a blond-haired British fellow who has a discernible personality.

I, Robot: Asimov, Raped.

Alexander: Colin Farrell plays either Alexander the Great or the lead singer of Warrant. The filming of this motion picture marked the first time an Irishman ever battled an elephant that wasn't flying and pink.

Catwoman: Halle, Halle, Halle! Skin-tight black leather, skin-tight black leather, skin-tight black leather! No white wig or ever-shifting accent this time, though. But then, you'll be too busy rubbing yourself off through your cargo shorts to care, tubbsy.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle: AKA Dude, Where's My Sarong? or Harf-Bake. For far too long, white folks, black folks, and Mexican-looking folks have been the only ones allowed to humiliate themselves as the leads in dull-witted stoner comedies. This sad chapter of human history finally ends on July 30th!

Anchorman: This trailer is the only thing Will Ferrell has appeared in since the SNL "cowbell" sketch that has actually made me laugh out loud. Might be worth the downloadpaying my own money to buy a ticket. (Whoops, I linked to the wrong trailer. That one kind of sucked. This one is the funny one.)

Baadasssss!: Mario Van Peebles wrote and directed this behind-the-scenes look at his father Melvin's landmark ode to racial harmony, Sweet Sweetback's Baad Asssss Song. Mario plays his own dad back in the early '70s, and some kid plays Mario as a child. Budgetary restrictions prevented Van Peebles from filming the original draft of the script, which was populated entirely by various permutations of himself. The third-best use of sustained sibilance in a movie title ever, after the original film and the 1973 Strother Martin/Dirk Benedict joint SSSSSSS.

Napoleon Dynamite: Wes Anderson Ex-Lax.

The Terminal: What am I, made of stone? As if the mere sight of Tom Hanks as a befuddled foreignish man who's somehow forced to live in a major American airport isn't heartwearming enough, go ahead and throw in Catherine Zeta-Dialect-Coach-Jones with the most adorable bangs ever. I am weeping with renewed faith in humanity as I type this.

The Manchurian Candidate: Wait, never mind.

Posted by Jim Treacher at June 2, 2004 01:32 PM