June 23, 2004

If, if, if

IF I had my own band, it would be named The Dracutards and we would have black satin capes and thick glasses and happy smiles with crooked fangs.

IF I hosted a reality show, it would be called Who Wants to Fellate a One-Armed Hobo?

IF I were a cartoon character, my best friend would be Sir Reginald Crazington III and he would have a monocle and a Napoleon hat and we would solve mysteries.

IF forced to have a same-sex liaison with any celebrity, living or dead, or else my whole family would be murdered, I would choose Greg Evigan.

IF I got to pick one food of which I could eat an unlimited quantity without gaining any weight, it would be scientifically impossible.

IF you're still reading this, I'm very sorry.

Posted by Jim Treacher at June 23, 2004 08:30 AM