September 13, 2004

Rather: "Prove I'm Not Queen of the Space Unicorns"

rathercorn.jpgNEW YORK -- For the fourth time in as many days, CBS Evening News anchor Dan Rather interrupted his telecast tonight to reiterate his claim that he has been crowned Queen of the Space Unicorns.

Glaring into the camera, Rather leveled a stern denunciation of his skeptics, terming them "hateful" and "jealous."

"I have told you again and again the tales of my ascension, my travels and adventures amongst the Cloud People, my ongoing struggle with Lord Gnarl and the Carved Army of the Fateful Forest. You've heard the facts, and that's the end of it. You think you can challenge my claim to the throne? Go for it. But you can't, can you? You can't, and you know it. So let's just get past this."

Holding up a document that he insisted was proof of his royal lineage, Rather repeated his demand to be addressed as "Queen Alareol the Wise, Protector of the Rainbow-Flame." The document appeared to be a doorknob menu for a local Chinese restaurant.

"I don't expect you people to understand what I'm going through," continued Rather. "I don't have to take this. All I want is a little consideration here. A little consideration, and some nice green grass. Crunchy, delicious grass. Nnnnnyaaaaar."

The CBS Evening News airs at 6:30 p.m. EST.

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Posted by Jim Treacher at September 13, 2004 12:47 AM