September 15, 2004

Rather Alters Stance on Space-Unicorn Royalty

NEW YORK -- In a stunning reversal yesterday, embattled CBS Evening News anchor Dan Rather renounced his claim to the throne of the Space Unicorns, instead declaring himself to be the Bonnukarr, culmination of human evolution, sent back in time from the 857th Century by the warrior-god Kobaltine IV to prepare mankind for the coming Insect Wars.

"All light flows through me," Rather explained. "All vision is mine."

Poking himself in the left temple with increasing force and rapidity, Rather noted that this revelation of his true nature has brought with it a host of supernatural powers, including the ability to dissolve most solid matter with invisible beams from his fingers, great physical strength and endurance, and the ability to sense the presence of his arch-enemy Lord Gnarl, who "flits from one soul to the next, never far, always just out of reach."

Rather then finished the remainder of his newscast without using vowels.

(Spokesmen for Kobaltine IV could not be reached for comment.)

RELATED STORIES: Water-Wetness Questions Continue to Plague CBS

PREVIOUSLY: Garofalo to Be Lowered into Shredder

Posted by Jim Treacher at September 15, 2004 12:39 AM