Jim Treacher's Blog That Is on the Internet

You missed that there actually are some yoyos out there who give a shit about letting prescription drugs from Canada in instead of keeping nukes from Iran out.

Dude, it was so awesome! There were these two guys, one was white, one was black, and they were funny, and there were these bad guys, and they chased the good guys, and they had these really cool cameras and weapons, and car chases and things blew up and--oh, wait. That was I Spy.

Never mind. Must have had the wrong station on.

My cool readers live-commented for me because I didn't want to watch it. Come on over!

Kerry had painted his face to look like the French flag and prominently displayed the friendship bracelets he had exchanged with Kofi. Bush was nude except for a G-string and tassels.

The mud-wrestling lacked passion, but the pie-eating contest seemed to get at some important issues. The bathing suit competition was the same, tired affair it is every election year. Seriously, they need to dump that thing.

Kerry's Ping-Pong ball trick will win him some votes in the northwest (those guys are total anal fetishists, after all), but Bush came back handily. I mean literally (weird... I thought handjobs were against the rules this year).

Kerry got wood because of a young hottie sitting in the front row. At first it seemed to seal a victory by adding to the whole JFK myth, but (she) rose to ask a question it turned out to be a "he" and Kerry ended the night doomed as the "french" candidate he started as. Charlie Gibson of ABC left with the he/she. The NYT's is giving him raves for a stellar performance as moderator - Stephanoupolus is pissed and jealous on all counts.

Other than that ... just the usual blah blah blah.

The debate began with the feats of strength. Kerry punched Gibson in the stomach and Bush lifted a car over his head, so Bush won that one.

Then Kerry made Bush look stupid by swiping at his face, poking his thumb between his fingers and yelling "Got your nose, bitch!!". The cameras were on Bush's blinking, confused visage for about 13 straight minutes of silence. I think much of the TV adience turned over the channel at this point which tended to give alot of people the impression Kerry got the better of it.

But then Bush's irrepressable populism kicked in. Yelling "It's great to be here in New York City folks! NEW YORK CITY!" to the cheers of the crowd, (the debate was in St. Louis) Bush grabbed long time stage manager Biff Henderson and a camera and bolted out of the studio for a madcap telivised hijink.

I admit I turned over the channel at this point. But I bet Bush won, Kerry sucks.

Bush won on style points from the beginning, when he rode onto the stage on a resplendent white stallion. It reared magnificently during Kerry's answers.

At one point, regarding the draft, Bush said that he heard "rumors on the Internets". Is there more than one Internet out there?

You missed the Red Sox completing a sweep of the Angels on another channel.

you missed bush asking "need some wood"??

check out a funny video about colelge kids addicted to using google at

http://www.collegeiseasy.net

"At one point, regarding the draft, Bush said that he heard 'rumors on the Internets'. Is there more than one Internet out there?"

Technically, yes. But he probably just meant "Internet sites" or something, though. Every now and then he gets tongue-tied, which may have been remarked upon once or twice over the years.

Oops:

http://www.internet2.edu

My favorite part was when Kerry grabbed his crotch and threw his other hand in the air making motions like he was riding a bronco.

I was really starting to groove on the whole scene when Bush pretended he was playing Kerry's guitar from behind him during that cool Aerosmith tribute.

I thought the "Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong" duet was a bit much, but Bush saved it by drawing his ninja sword and lopping off Kerry's arm. The "Kill Bill" blood spray was a nice touch. Kerry kept spinning and spinning, getting blood on people, and I think that lost him points. Nobody likes that.

Kerry mimed all of his answers during the first half of the debate in a stirring tribute to Marcel Marceau, but Bush, who punctuated all of his rebuttals with crowd-pleasing six-shooter tricks, won handily. Polls showed that the crowd was turned off by Kerry's beret and black turtleneck, but responded well to Bush's stetson and dinnerplate beltbuckle.

Kerry fared better during the domestic policy portion of the debate. His "free ice cream and candy" plan was a big winner, and the crowd went wild when he announced that he'd bought each and every one of them a brand new Pontiac. Bush, meanwhile, poisoned several schoolchildren, tied a comely lass to the railroad tracks, kicked an old lady down the stairs, and drowned a sackful of puppies.

Kerry forgot his pants and it turns out he has a very small package that kind of looks like Micheal Moore with a cold.

Kerry lost major points on the dismount, but his rendition of "She Bangs" was quite excellent. And you really should seek out the video of the "walk-off".

I liked it when Bush called Kerry a bitch and slapped him. Then Kerry called Bush a bastard and slapped him. Then there was some more back and forth slapping and a fireplace came out of nowhere and they started making out in front of it to an AL Jarreau song.

Bush opened a jar of termites, which fell on Kerry and ate him.

Swordfight.

But not with swords.

Kerry's tall, but he was packing a short sword. Poor guy.

Why not simply say, "the Edwards family" instead of struggling with the esses?

There were questions on foreign policy. There were questions on domestic policy. Then the Death Star blew up and the ewoks danced. The end.

The previous respondents had it all wrong. It went like this:

Bush came out in a powdered wig, some ridiculous high-heeled shoes, and had a tricornered hat under his arm. Kerry greeted him dressed in a Star Trek uniform (yes, it was red) and carried a guitar that was never actually played. The two shook hands, and Kerry then awkwardly tried to do some "urban handshake thang" according to the explanation offered by a seemingly-drunk-or-stoned Joe Lockhart. Bush totally dissed him.

Neither of them could ride the mechanical bull for more than eight seconds, though Bush lost points for riding in a "reverse cowgirl" position. Wonkette's screaming online orgasm was audible all over the East Coast.

When Rod Stewart asked what tree each candidate would like to be, Kerry mentioned those mean trees in the Wizard of Oz that threw apples at Dorothy and her stupid dog, "Frodo". Bush wasn't quite sure a tumbleweed was a tree, but decided (definitely without flip-flopping, according to Karl Rove) to be the Christmas Tree in the holiday classic A Christmas Story--"the one next to that lamp". Kerry and Bush both had a moment contemplating being placed next to "electic sex". Kerry felt bad he missed that one.

In the multiple choice part, Bush used the scantron form to write "KERRY SUX", while Kerry retaliated by using a number 2 and a half pencil. Both scored miserably.

Bush spun fourteen dinner plates while jumping on a pogo stick. Kerry yodeled the score to Raising Arizona, but was a bit off key. James Lileks made a remix, but it was mostly filled with Doctor McCoy saying "Damnit, Jim", a self-effacing reference that only he, Gnat, and some guy shopping at Target found funny.

Then Bush mentioned Dred Scott, saying "Runaway slaves deserve their day in court!" Kerry countered with a Tinker v. Des Moines and raised him a Marbury Madison. Bush slammed a Lawrence v. Texas and melded a Brown v. Board into a strong hand. Kerry pulled all his wife's chips off the board and played slots for the next hour while Bush saw Wayne Newton.

The rest was on Pay-Per-View with Howard Stern as the host. I think it involved shaving porn stars without using the candidate's hands or feet. Both performed well, so America will remain a strong and robust nation unless that Michael Badnarik guy shows up.