Jim Treacher's Blog That Is on the Internet

I listened to it on the radio, and it really seemed like Bush had better body language tonight.

Who won? You did. Nothing new in this round...

There's playoff baseball being played people! No need for debates or Mythbusters. So far Jon Lieber is winning on message but Pedro Martinez is winning on style...

OH MY GOD YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT!

Kerry was all "whatevr, u r a faygz" and Bush was all "U R A L4MERZ" and Kerry was all "STOP CAMPING foo" nd Bush nailed him with the sniper rifle and scread "H34DSH0T!"

After Kerry re-spawned, Bush was all "i pwn3d ur ass" and Kerry was all "my mouse is slow" and Bush was all "shut up fag no excuses u r teh l0s3r."

Then Kerry cried and threw up in his mouth a little.

Kerry kept saying "idears", and I kept thinking of the "jarbs" episode of homestarrunner. But that's all I remember.

Oh, and they gave each other hickies.

I wish I had TiVo, then I could have watched Mythbusters instead of this empty debate.

Hmm, so what's a good sports metaphor for this one? There are sections where Bush ran a punt back for a touchdown, instances where Kerry dusted Bush off with a combination of jabs, a bit where Bush tossed Kerry over the top rope, one where Kerry blew a high hard one past him for a K, etc. Maybe the name of the game is really "Twister."
Moderator Bob Schieffer gave each candidate at least one Nerfball. Kerry's was the minimum wage question--it wasn't even pitched; it was a tee shot. And Bush got blindsided by a toughie about how much does he love his wife. Sheesh... Schieffer himself got a pie in the face when he pressed Bush about what a couple of TV news services had said about his health care plan. Bush expressed skepticism about believing TV news before saying "never mind!" This was of course a dig at Schieffer's employer CBS, and their exploding cigar of a story about Bush's National Guard service.
Kerry was about the same as he was in the previous two debates: detailed points, ready replies, carefully choreographed podium pounding just like Clinton. He didn't fumfuh as badly as he did on the abortion question last time, but he also didn't seem comfortable talking about it. This time he spun off into a spiel about federal education funding for minorities. But one clever thing he did to reach out to the undecideds was to mention local stats not just there in Arizona, but in other tossup states. Smart... His explanation of how he was going to pay for his new spending sounded more coherent this time, too. ("Sounded", I say. I'm not undecided, but I tried to listen as if I was.) Surprises from Kerry: I think he said that he would lower the corporate tax rate, once he got done hiking the tax rate on companies with overseas workforces. Another surprise was that he didn't mention the V Place, just alluded to his service as a young man at the very end. And the biggest for me: he's proud of his part in creating Billarycare in the 1990s.
He brought up Cheney's gay daughter, just like Edwards did. Is his campaign trying to subtly gross out conservative Bush supporters by mentioning her whenever the gay issue comes up?
Kerry's biggest mistake, which the President graciously didn't hit out of the park, was about the assault weapon ban. Kerry mentioned a drug bust in which an AK-47 was found in a house. One, it was most probably not an AK, but some sort of copy, and two, if it was an AK-47, it was already illegal, and still is illegal, whether the ban is extended or not. Criminals don't obey gun laws, as most non-liberals know. Guess Bush figured he didn't need to be defending the choice of armament of drug dealers.
Lesser Kerry mistakes included saying that America needed "a real alliance" in Iraq. That ain't how you win friends and influence people! (Besides, although the President himself can't say so, we know that France was totally on the take with Saddam during the years of the sanctions. So the hell with them!) Also, he really shouldn't have tried to joke about marrying heiresses. That just makes people think he's a heel.

Bush was much the same as last time, more into it than the first debate. More air-chopping, more of his not-especially-pleasant smile, more pauses for thought before answering. He was much less Nyquilized than the first time, that's for sure. He was confident ticking off his accomplishments in response to Kerry's criticisms: 3/4 of AQ bagged, Afghan elections, Medicare prescription benefits, etc. He even bent the rules and addressed Kerry directly at one point, dropping the L bomb for the first of several times. And he fairly deftly met most of Kerry's proposals with citations of Kerry having voted the opposite way in actual practice, in the Senate. Only obvious flub was in talking about bringing high tech to the health care industry, when he said it was still in the "buggy and horse" era. Wince.
Bush's toughest question was the one most politicians dread: how to defend policies against an individual sob story? What would he say to someone who's been laid off because of outsourcing? He responded forthrightly with his community college plan, holding out hope for the future instead of wallowing in present woe. He also handled the flu vaccine snafu question well, blaming jackpot justice for running American producers out of the field.
Bush was at his most personable talking about the troops and about his religious faith. Bob Schieffer fairly spat the word: "what role does your (*hhhoccchh*) _faith_ (*ptooey*) play?" Bush's plain-spun manner and simple faith left Kerry with no followup, except to re-say it all in his bullet-point style. He did try to sneak in a complaint about the school system, which Bush earlier and subsequently disposed of by pointing to his No Child Left Behind program. "A reformer with results", indeed.
Bush parried Kerry quite well the whole time, I thought. For instance, Kerry kept going on about crafting legislation with John McCain until Bush reminded everyone that McCain was endorsing him, not Kerry.

Closing statements were the usual barrage of gas grenades. Only Bush actually asked for our vote, IINM. I don't respect people who vote based on likability, but I think Bush came across as the more likable. Kerry was a human toothache, as Jonah Goldberg once said of Al Gore. The winner? Bush. Why? Because in this last debate, and three weeks before the election, Kerry found himself having to try to convince voters that he will indeed fight terrorism regardless of foreign opinion. No presidential candidate should have that kind of credibility problem to overcome, certainly not at this late stage. His vote against the first Gulf war, and his peacenik past, seriously hamper me from believing he could pull the trigger in a timely fashion. And he couldn't give a firm answer as to how he was going to pay for his healthcare plans once he had milked the top earners dry. Bush wasn't much better--face it, there is no fiscal conservative in this race. But he at least didn't try to sell the public something for nothing.

Bush wins with an overtime TKO in five sets with the bases loaded, with an inbound basket at the buzzer, by a nose.

"Hmm, so what's a good sports metaphor for this one?"

I don't know, which sport is really long and boring and Americans don't care about it?

I thought Candidate Zero made a good showing--especially after some early difficulties in gaining entry to the arena. His promises of cheaper internet access resounded well with the audience.

Bob Odenkirk, however, had a tough go of it. After a large number of ad buys, he's seemed to have faded from the public eye in the last couple of months, and thus, the audience dosen't seem to have a totally firm grasp on why exactly they should elect him as President of Beers.

Angus - That would be "football" (soccer).

Oh, I thought it was "sanity" (inspector).

The Yankees. They scored more runs.

Debate 3

CBS, undecideds: Kerry wins 39-25. Before the debate, 29% said Kerry had clear positions on the issues, after, that number doubled to 60%.

ABC: Kerry won 42%-41% in a poll that surveyed 8% more Republicans than Democrats. Independen voters thought Kerry won: 42-35

CNN/USA Today Gallup: Kerry wins 52-39. Among independents, Kerry won: 54-34.

Democracy Corps: Kerry wins 41-36

Kang won.

Or was it Kodos?

I can never tell.

Who won and why?

If you watched anything else, then YOU won, because you didn't have to sit through another round of "Battle of the Bullshit."

"I don't know, which sport is really long and boring and Americans don't care about it?"

That has to be cricket... you can play for five days and have no result.. but we Aussies love it anyway.

I gotta score the debate on the question, "Who scored after the debate?"

When asked about their wives, GWB told how Laura acted like mommy: stand up, don't make faces, speak clearly. But you could tell he loved her for it. Kerry TALKED ABOUT HIS MOMMY.

I think we all know who got some post-debate action in "spin alley," if you know what I mean (and I think you do.)

Ride 'em Cowboy!

The Cardinals won.

Angus, the sport you are looking for is cricket.

"Hmm, so what's a good sports metaphor for this one?"

"I don't know, which sport is really long and boring and Americans don't care about it?"

The answer must surely be farnarkling.

The sport you're looking for is, of course, the one where they use the brroms to make the little puck thing slide along the ice. It makes shuffleboard at the senior center feel like the Super Bowl.

Both guys played with their asses the whole time. It was cool. Then Bush wanked while Kerry chuckled.

That cracks me up that you watched Mythbusters, I did the same damn thing. I can't take the stress any more. I get too worked up over Lurch.

I think Matt means "curling." I've done it and can verify that it's a whoop.

Kerry unhinged his jaw and swallowed Bush whole. But then Bush shot his way out of Kerry's stomach with his laser vision. I'd say that even though Bush was the one covered with Kerry saliva, Kerry was the one with the laser hole in his abdomen, so Bush wins.

It was strictly NC-17, all foreplay and no penetration...until the very end, when Kerry swallowed his opponent's load while smacking his lips and making yummy sounds. Bush just caught Kerry's spooge in his hand and smeared it around his nipples and pretended to lick it off, but you could tell his tongue wasn't really touching the stuff.

Nobody won. We all lost.

These things are just another "reality" show where people watch in hopes they'll get to see someone get blown up tiptoeing through the minefield. Who can resist the chance to see someone throw his political career away with a slip of the tongue.

I, too, had better things to do. Like watching the History Channel.

According to the latest poll today from Zogby, the national race is tied, 46-46, but according to WAPO/ABC Kerry has a 10 point lead in the swing states. Rove must be chomping down on the Xanax! Can you say Kerry blowout? If he wins OH, PA, and FL we will see a really neat little civil war in the Rethuglican party. I guess winning all 3 debtes really really really helped the decorated veteran stick it to the coke-snorting draft dodger.