March 09, 2005

The thing about being away from the blogs for a bit is that you feel like a visitor from the 17th Century when you try to get caught back up.

What's been going on that I should know about? 500 words or less, please.

Posted by Jim Treacher at March 9, 2005 11:35 AM

Adama is a cylon. Million Dollar Baby is a good movie. Bin Laden tells Zarqawi to attack the US; US responds, "Yeah, right." John Hawkins goes pro. So does Jason Kottke. Lebanese chicks are hawt. Lou Dobbs goes crazy. SCOTUS says no capital punishment for teens. We need to fix Social Security. No we don't. Yes we do. Don't. Do. Don't. Do. John Stewart says "What if Bush was right?" So does The Independent. So does everybody else. Only Ted Rall remains unmoved. That's because Ted Rall is a robot. Pablo Paredes makes a nuisance of himself. The FEC warns that McCain-Feingold might lead to blog regulation. Blogosphere, left and right in unison, says, "We'd like to see you try." Media Matters tries to get Hiawatha Bray fired for — gasp — having an opinion. The LA Times puts a reporter's North Korea hum-job on the front page despite the fact that it's riddled with opinion. Peter Arnett publishes unsubstantiated rumors in that respected journal of news and opinion, Playboy. Lindsay Lohan appears in a new "Herbie" movie; rumors fly that Disney spends millions digitally reducing the size of her breasts so as not to frighten the poor children. No word as to whether Disney plans to spend millions digitally reducing the suckiness of the movie; children be damned, you go into production with the script you have, not the script you wish you had. Apple sues a blogger, blogosphere gets in a tizzy about free speech and the press, neglects to read text of complaint alleging that blogger broke the law before going to press. Italy bankrolls terrorism by buying back communist-party shill from kidnappers; world agrees that Italy got screwed. Shill's driver runs US highway checkpoint, US soldiers open fire. Reporter claims that her car came under 300 or 400 rounds from a tank. Photos reveal exactly one bullet hole in car. Congressional Republicans call for immediate investigation into why our soldiers can't hit what they shoot at. DC-based blogger gets access to White House press corps, liveblogs from morning press gaggle. Leftists immediate start scouring the Internet looking for naked pictures of blogger. Meanwhile, leftists on Daily Kos issue fatwa against Alan Greenspan. Brief Internet search for naked pictures of Fed chair halted when participating leftists come to their senses. We need to fix Social Security. No we don't. Yes we do. Don't. Do. Don't. Do. Editor of Playgirl declares that Republicans are sexier than smelly hippies. Entire population of Earth responds, "Duh." Reporter who performed act of metaphorical fellatio on North Korean official in the Los Angeles Times answers Hugh Hewitt's questions but declines an interview. In answers, she also declines to say whether she thinks Kim Jong-Il is evil. Blogosphere collectively asks, "Is she hiding something, or is she just dumb?" Hizballah stages pro-Syria rally in Beirut; estimates of attendance range from six guys with AK-47s (FOX News) to the entire population of Asia and Africa (al-Reuters). Mount St. Helens burps.

Five hundred words exactly.

Posted by: Jeff Harrell at March 9, 2005 12:05 PM

porn. lots & lots of porn.

oh, in blogs? i thought you meant net in general.

fuck i don't know. tony pierce is dating a virgin?

i got nothing

Posted by: keith el otro at March 9, 2005 12:51 PM


I think you may be perfect for CBS, now that the Queen of the Space Unicorns is stepping aside.

Posted by: Ed at March 9, 2005 12:52 PM

Jeff, you did your thing, dog. You really worked it out. But for me, it was kind of pitchy. I don't know, dude. What does the dog pound think? You did alright, though. Just for me, at this point in the competition, it wasn't your best. You need to find that energy, that spark that made you different in the beginning. Dude. Dog.

Posted by: Rob at March 9, 2005 01:40 PM

Cock. Lots of cock. Jeff Gannon's, I believe.

And, something about Bill Clinton sleeping with George the Elder.

And Wonkette. There's always Wonkette.

You're probably better off in the 17th century.

Posted by: michele at March 9, 2005 03:30 PM

Not much.

Posted by: Hubris at March 9, 2005 04:00 PM

"Ted Rall is a robot."

Nah. Robots can be repaired.

Posted by: Angus Jung at March 9, 2005 04:21 PM

Finding Neverland was good. Ray was okay. The girl from Wilmington got booted out of American Idol, and I got to waste an hour of my life watching it - but on the upside my hatred for the show has been refreshened. Watched an episode of Deadwood, don't understand what all the fuss is about the cursing. Nothing I hadn't already heard my Grandma mutter under her breath at family reunions. Felt vindicated in my love for the sitcom "Wings" when I saw Lowell the mechanic sitting at the Oscars.

Oh, and something about politics.

Posted by: Kevin Parrott at March 9, 2005 05:11 PM

I always thought Tarring and feathering was just supposed to be humiliating, not that it was a form of execution AND humiliating.

The Cylon detector works, but Guias is telling everyone they're each human anyway.

Hot chicks no longer attend leftist/pinko/hippy dippy protests; now they attend pro-democracy anti-totalitarian-thug protests.

Martha's out of jail and Trump's days are numbered.

McCain's again gonna be the new media darling by saving MSM when his idiotic finance reform gets the FEC to shut down bloggers.

the NYT's forgotten how to spell "lockbox".

The Illini apparently are literate enough to read the NYT, find out they were cursed, and decide to lose game to in order to save a championship.

Even Moldova likes Bush. Even Egypt pretends now to like elections.

Italian communist "journalism" looks to be about as honest as North Korean journalism.

Posted by: anonymouse at March 9, 2005 07:58 PM

After winning the Summarizing Proust™ competition this will be a snap...

In the State of the Union address, President Bush says we will spread democracy. All right thinking people are appalled and fear for the safety of murderous regimes everywhere.

Have you met Ward Churchill? You better hurry, his 15 minutes are almost up. Ward Churchill is/is not a Native American who may/may not be an actual artist, but is definitely a loathsome toad who preaches that the people who died on 9/11 deserved it because they were, wait for it …, little Eichmanns. And for this he gets applause on campuses across the country, feted by Bill Maher, and insulted by an offer to buy out the tenure he obtained fraudulently for $10M, but that’s another story. And the president of CU (a real stand up c*nt, as Farm Accident Digest noted) just resigned.

Democracy is breaking out everywhere in the Middle East, but don’t be fooled into thinking that Bush had anything to do with it.

Orange Revolution in Ukraine. KGB poisons candidate and stuffs ballot boxes. People rise up and refuse to accept result. There is a do over election. Russia busses in thugs to disrupt the election. CIA operatives meet the busses with boxes of vodka. Thugs drink heavily, never make it to the party. Poisoned candidate wins! Pootie Poot distressed.


Michael Jackson child molestation trial begins. Media promises to act with reserve and respect. No, really.

Patriots win the Super Bowl. Again.

Michael Moore has not been seen for quite some time. Rumor has it his new friend is Jared.

Big wave smashes Asia after huge earthquake in the Indian Ocean. Perhaps 300,000 people dead. America’s refusal to sign Kyoto Accords cited as contributing factor. Bill Clinton offered the one bed on the plane to 80-year old George H.W. Bush while they toured the areas. Slow news day.

Best catfight in years is still going on between Michael Kinsley and Susan Estrich. Meow.

Dan Rather now can devote all his time to performing his duties as the Queen of the Space Unicorns. But you knew that.

Meanwhile the mayhem continues unabated in the Sudan, Zimbabwe, Venezuela, North Korea, Chechnya, and many other places where stern warnings have been issued by the UN. As the Chink said in Tom Robbins’ Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, “the world situation remains desperate, as usual.”

So, did you invest wisely in the past to leave yourself a fortune when you returned?

Posted by: charles austin at March 9, 2005 08:06 PM

They're still fixing the bridge overpass. There's a new lost cat poster up at the drug store. One of the city councillors got into hot water over some remark. Drugs are more and more of a problem at the high school. Flu is going round. A local kid had his name in the papers the other day - didnt actually read the article, so I dont know if he was robbing liquor stores or appearing in the next Batman.

Posted by: Reid at March 9, 2005 08:35 PM

I've had an itch that is just beyond my reach... oh, wait... that's not what you want to read about.

Posted by: Charlie on the Pennsylvania Turnpike at March 10, 2005 04:14 AM

A commie, a cock, courage and Clinton.

Posted by: Keith at March 10, 2005 06:58 AM

Who: We all are
What: Going
Where: to Hell
How: In a handbasket
When: Even as I type
Why: Proof that there IS such a thing as a stupid question.

Can somebody bring the slaw?

Posted by: Frank Villon at March 10, 2005 09:03 AM

Poker game, my place. 6pm Sat.

Posted by: Easycure at March 10, 2005 03:54 PM

Michele Catalano is still annoyed, irritated, fuming, livid, irate, heated, cross, furious, incensed, outraged, infuriated and pissed.

Posted by: bugsy at March 11, 2005 09:05 AM

Jeff Harrell- Nice job!

That saved me some time and actually got me up-dated on resolutions to stories that were "hot" but then seemingly disappeared. For example, I hadn't heard that criminal conduct was alleged in the Apple case. That would explain why it's not a hot topic any longer. And the Hugh Hewitt follow-up to the LA Times reporter scandal was a development I missed.

One of the weaknesses of blogs is that it's exaggeratedly immediate and time-sensitive. It's a real-time conversation, and if you weren't there for it, it's gone forever. Nobody scrolls down to catch yesterday's potential updates to last week's stories.

But you: Excellent recap. Perfect dash of humor and pop culture. I heartily recommend you write on your blog a once-a-week feature, in precisely this fashion, called "Five Hundred Words Exactly," in which you update us some-time blog readers on the week's events in bloggerdom. I swear I'd swing by to read it. It could be "that thing you do."

Posted by: ss at March 11, 2005 02:21 PM

Sean T. Collins is blogging again.

Posted by: Sean T. Collins at March 11, 2005 07:44 PM

Microsoft fucked up my computer so I can't use the internet at home. In retaliation, I will go to the beach and veg for a week. That'll learn 'em.

Oh, you mean news most people care about. Well, Kenneth has left the building. Well, the part of the building where the cameras are every weekday evening. It's a start.

Posted by: Jason at March 12, 2005 02:21 PM

Codpieces are no longer in fashion.

Posted by: dorkafork at March 12, 2005 09:33 PM

Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Posted by: Sean M. at March 12, 2005 09:38 PM

My throat is a little scratchy and dry. It might be thirst.

Posted by: Sortelli at March 13, 2005 10:09 PM