March 13, 2005
Peaks and Troughs
The last time I was this bored with blogging, Hurricane Kenneth snapped me out of it. It seems unlikely that such a beautiful thing will happen again anytime soon, so I'll just have to walk it off.
Posted by Jim Treacher at March 13, 2005 09:46 AM
So that thing about Jeff Gannon's cock just ain't doing it for you, eh?
Nah, he charged too much anyway.
Er, what I meant to say is I have no idea who or what you're talking about.
"I have no idea who or what you're talking about."
Actually, I'm not sure either but I like to appear hip to the the big blog memes.
Isn't Jeff Gannon the penile-enlargement spam "After" spokesmodel?
What you do is you go Blog cruisin'. Check out blogs you've never read before. Get some new ideas, stretch that ol' brain with new content, laugh a little...
Not that I have any particular one in mind, you understand...(stretch)
Yeah,I figure your blog traffic could double if you used the wrods Jeff Gannon and Penis.
I think your new tag line lets you off the hook for another month or so.
Number One is too young (and has a tree on her fucking nose!) Bad combination, even aging ten years.
Two is, I must agree, "babe" material.
Three is about fifteen (and the woman in the lower right is probably called "Sir" by the woman who is painting her face).
Four isn't a babe. She's a shrieking banshee! I'm sorry, but that facial expression says "I am Fran Drescher's long-lost cousin, can't you tell by the voice?" much more than "I am woman, hear me roar my phone number!"
If by "babe" you mean "probably has a vagina", you are absolutely correct. But I think that standard is pitifully low.
I gotta know, are you studying law, or just carpet-cleaning the library overnight? Those girls think YOU'RE ugly, too!
Gotta know, huh?
Funny enough, there IS some cleaning lady action going on right now, but not the carpets. Do you want me to ask if she'll come over and mop your floor, too?
I'm not studying law. I'm doing far more important stuff: guarding the library while the students are off on Spring Break. It's hard work, what with all the ones of people trying to run away with marriage dissolution manuals and other depressing crap. They never try to steal the interesting stuff, like the books that tell you how much the use of ring fingers is worth according to people who bother to keep track (adjustable by US county, naturally, since their value can fluctuate from Alabama to Maine to Montana by actual percentage points, based on some factors too important for me to even begin to speculate upon). I could look up which county has the most valuable ears, knees, or elbows. Which county has the least-valuable penises? That's something you can find out at your local law library. I'll check it out and get back to you.
Seems Jackson County, Kansas is 5% below average according to the Jury Verdict Research Series (JVR) Personal Injury Valuation Handbooks. Sorry guys, your junk just doesn't have the market value it does in Jasper County, Missouri. Those lucky men have a county deviation of +17%. I guess that's a good place to be a tort lawyer!
Take note of these county-by-county deviations if you are considering playing naughty games with your neighbor's marmot, lawsuit-seeking masochists!
LOOK, Bub, I _been_ to Jasper County, Missouri*. It's not possible that 17 percent of them are deviants, the pressures to conform are too great.
*Probably. I lived in the Ozarks when arms-for-hostages went down, and saw firsthand how a felonious fuckwit like North becomes known as a hero. It was harrowing.
"The last time I was this bored with blogging, Hurricane Kenneth snapped me out of it. It seems unlikely that such a beautiful thing will happen again anytime soon, so I'll just have to walk it off."
Maybe a little nudge from a well-wisher will help: