May 06, 2005

Treach Goes to the Movies (Or, More Accurately, the Movies Come to Treach)

Primer: Hey, I feel like watching a couple of junior Joe Fridays with Texas accents as they jabber pseudoscientific bullshit at each other for an hour and change. Why don't you throw in some kind of time machine or something that nobody understands, including, apparently, the two droning nerds themselves. Jump around in the narrative a lot (probably) and depict more than one version of each character (almost definitely), but make sure they're wearing the same clothes in almost every scene so it's hard to tell who or when. Please don't make a single direct statement about what's going on. You're smarter than the audience, and they need to know about it! And whatever you do, DON'T WRITE AN ENDING.*

Super Size Me: I had no idea that if you eat nothing but fast food for a month and burn as few calories as possible, you'll gain weight and your health will suffer. Groundbreaking! Also, Americans are fatty fat fatsos.

Ocean's Twelve: "This? You couldn't see this?" And the scene with Robbie Coltrane, and the laser-field dance thingy. Otherwise, it's been a week since I saw it and I can't exactly remember what it was about. They were in Europe or someplace?

Full Frontal: If you're thinking about renting this one because it's Soderbergh, relax, you're not really missing anything. Although it does answer one burning question: Are people in Los Angeles inherently more interesting than everybody else?** Otherwise, strictly for fans of David Duchovny's wiener. (Oh, and of Nicky Katt's trademark scene-stealing. If they just took the 5-10 minutes he was onscreen and put that on a DVD, it would be worth renting.)

The Greatest American Hero, Season 1, Disc 1: Nostalgia is a moron.

Tadpole: Was it Howard Hawks who said a good movie is three good scenes and no bad scenes? Well, this one got halfway there, but then they went and shot a bunch of stuff without Bebe Neuwirth.

Shaolin Soccer: This one dude kicks the ball so hard, it totally rips all this other dude's clothes off. Gay!

Intacto: This is a Spanish movie about an underground society of people who can absorb the luck of others just by touching them. Then they do stuff like run across busy freeways blindfolded, or play reverse Russian Roulette, and bet on it. It's in Spanish, mostly, except the parts with Max Von Sydow. He plays the luckiest guy in the world, who's also probably the most miserable. I kind of liked it.

*The most annoying thing? Even with all that, I didn't actually hate it.

Posted by Jim Treacher at May 6, 2005 09:47 AM

The scene in Shaolin Soccer where the big fat guy sucks the raw egg out of that other guy/s mouth? Twice? That was cool.

Posted by: David Campbell at May 6, 2005 02:11 PM

Dang, you lost a little street cred by watching Ocean's Twelve. I mean, what the fuck is up with a sequel to a remake?

Posted by: Sean M. at May 7, 2005 12:33 AM

SIN CITY: Want to see what too much and too little at the same time looks like?

Posted by: Kevin Parrott at May 7, 2005 07:11 AM

Son, the remark you made about the fatty fatso Amerikkkans has softened my heart. You can come home now. All is forgiven.

Posted by: Saddam at May 8, 2005 03:07 PM

I tried to watch Supersize Me, but only made it to the part where he puked out his car window because he had SO MANY DAMN FRIES THAT HE HAD TO PUKE. I had enough of the bullshittery at that point.

I also wanted to slap his snotty vegan girlfriend. "Genetically modified potatoes" my ass. It's called botany, you twit.

Posted by: Keith at May 9, 2005 01:23 PM

Does noone but me see that Ocean's Twelve wasn't really a movie at all. It was George Clooney et. al., mugging for the camera for two hours.

Not bad mugging, but:

Story? None.

Continuity? None.

Point? Prying a few skins from my wallet.

Mission accomplished.

Posted by: Beryl Gray at May 9, 2005 03:35 PM

I saw something with Nic Cage in it that was all about how the Virgin Mary's picture was on the back of the Bill of Rights, and some hot chick helped him find an old church where they stored the Liberty Bell, and then something with the Raelians, and I forget how it ended, but man, those explosions were really fucking loud in 5.1.

Posted by: Rob at May 10, 2005 12:30 PM