January 24, 2006
Me, Myself, and I(raq)
Hi, Joel Stein here. You know me, I'm the guy from Time who wrote about himself pretty much all the, heh, time. That's my thing. And just so you know I'm aware that I write about myself all the time, I make sure to point it out at least once per column. Like I did just there. See, my whole career is a brilliant metacommentary on the solipsism and narcissism of my entire TV-addled, celebrity-obsessed generation. Get it? Also, my squinty quasi-smile would make Ghandi want to punch me in the face. Certain primitive cultures (like, oh, Red states) believe that the camera steals one's soul. Well, just looking at my picture steals a little bit of your soul. Go ahead, give it a try. Seriously, people, gaze upon my visage. I must drink of your souls to survive.
But enough about me.
Just kidding! It's never enough about me. That's the whole gag. Hey, guess what? I just wrote an awesome LA Times column about how I don't support the troops because I don't support the war. I hope the troops come home safely and everything, but I think the troop stuff they're doing is wrong, because war is wrong, and also bad. You know? And the ribbons and all that. Boy, my head is starting to hurt. Remember those old Excedrin commercials? I think this is Excedrin Headache #352! Man oh man, I sure do love things from the '70s. Well, except for Vietnam.
Vietnam... war... Okay, right. War, dude. I mean, how can you be pro-war? That's like being pro-bad. "I like bad, I think bad is right." That makes about as much sense as Horshack getting an "A" on his history test. Remember him?
So you can see my point. The main thing is that people are talking about me again, which means I'm important. Who's talking about you? Nobody, that's who. Well, your mom, maybe. Can your mom get you a meeting with Comedy Central? Uh, that would be a "no." She stinks, and so do you. Whaddaya think about that, Stinky? Mr. Stinky Stinklepants? Just kidding.
Posted by Jim Treacher at January 24, 2006 07:42 PM