(Update: Today's date is Sept. 13, 2008. Welcome, all oppo researchers!)
So I just watched The Aristocrats, and WOW. Instead of doing yet another boring review that doesn't come close to capturing the movie, I figured I'd give the "joke" itself a try and see how well it works in blog form. Or at least in blog form as written by a complete idiot. Ready? I'm not!
So this guy walks into a talent agent's office, and he's very excited. "Maury," he says (that seems like the kind of name an old-time talent agent would have), "Maury, bubbie, I just saw the most amazing act. It is gonna knock your socks off! People will be dodging out of the way so as not to get hit by the socks blowing right through the soles of your shoes! It's really good is what I'm saying!" And the talent agent, whose name we have established is Maury, says, "Okay, kid, tell me more about this act, let's hear it.""Well," says the younger fellow...
"Okay, so this man and a woman come out onstage, right? The most beautiful couple you've ever seen in your life. He's wearing a tux with tails, he looks like Clark Gable and Gary Cooper and Cary Grant all rolled into one. What the ladies would call a dreamboat. The woman, such a voluptuous figure, you're drooling when you see this dame. She's in this low-cut sequined gown, the cleavage, the gams, world-class. A vision. So they bow to the audience, then the man turns to the woman, takes her by the hand, gazes deeply into her exquisite blue eyes, and bites her on the face. Not like a take-out-a-chunk kind of a bite, but enough to make her eyes water. Sometimes it's the nose, sometimes an eyebrow, wherever, it all depends on what he's feeling that night. So she's bleeding a little bit from the face, and that gets the juices started. She pops out one boob, and the cans on this broad, mama mia, she pops out the boob and he starts sucking on it. Meanwhile she's unzipping his fly and taking out his schlong, which really should be behind glass at the butcher's. Just a sea serpent sliding out of this guy's trousers. She starts stroking his manhood real good, he's getting hard, he's sucking her tit, and then their two adorable children come out onstage. A boy of 7 and a girl of 12, just the most angelic little kids you've ever seen. Both stark naked. They start helping their mom and dad out of their clothes, which they fold up and place neatly on a chair to the side of the stage. Then the mom gets on all fours and the dad starts working his massive leviathan into her fur-encircled baby-cave, while the boy and girl squat down over a plastic kiddie pool and both start taking a huge diarrheic shit. They've been taking laxatives all day, but the audience doesn't necessarily need to know this. The important thing is they're spurting gouts and gouts of brown liquid excrement into this kiddie pool, okay? More than you'd probably think a couple of pre-teens would be able to produce all at once. The mom and dad are still banging away, looking over now and then, faces beaming with pride at their offspring. So then the boy and girl finish shitting, turn around, dip their fingers in the molten crap, and start finger-painting each other's hairless naked bodies with arcane symbols from the Kabbalah. At this point a colored fella walks onstage, wearing this sort of traditional African tribesman outfit. Spear, headdress, loincloth, bone through the nose, you know how they do over there. He starts dancing in a circle around the four family members while they all chant 'Ni-GGERS, ni-GGERS, ni-GGERS, ni-GGERS,' over and over like that. The boy and girl start rubbing their shit-covered hands all over each other's smooth pink genitals, keeping up the chant in-between darting their tongues into each other's scat-encrusted mouths. This goes on for a few minutes, with the father sticking his monstrous, purplish worm into every orifice in his wife's suppliant body, the kids getting each other really worked up, it's fantastic. And then they all fall silent as the kids' grandfather on the father's side comes out, being helped along by his other child, the dad's sister. Are you getting all this? She's not as good-looking as her brother or his wife, but she's okay. She's also hugely pregnant, which will come into play later in the act. So she leads the old man to the center of the stage. Now, this guy, you can just see by looking at his face that he's lived a life. He was a Holocaust survivor, he came to America, found a beautiful girl, raised a family, went through good times and bad, and he's still standing. Bowed, but not broken. Even in the back rows, they can see the strength and dignity on this wizened gentleman's face. So he opens his mouth to speak, and the black fella reaches into a steamer trunk and pulls out a shotgun and blows the old fucker's head off. Brains flying everywhere, neck a bloody geyser. It's spraying all over the couple fucking, the shit-smeared kids, the darkie, the pregnant daughter, it's like they're all caught in an apocalyptic rain of gore. The kids run over and scoop up the remains of Grandpa's head and dump it into their colonic broth, which they then begin splashing in again. The little guy has a pretty good-sized rod by now, takes after his old man, so the sister lays on her side in the poo-pool and he starts porking her in the rear end. It's a mom/dad, sister/brother gangbang at this point. The spade has gone offstage while all this is happening, and now comes back pushing a metal shopping cart. He helps the pregnant daughter up into the cart, which she squats down in. She's wearing a housecoat and a pair of combat boots, did I mention that? Right, so she hikes up the housecoat, squats down in the cart, and starts to give birth right there. I should probably mention that this is the part of the act where the dad pulls out of the mom, goes over to his father's headless, cooling body, and starts having sexual congress with the bloody stump while his wife pulls down the codger's pants and licks the death-turd out of his wrinkled, reeking shit-knot. Okay, back to the miracle of birth. The baby plops out of its mommy's gaping cunt in a bloody tumble, and from its azure hue you can tell it's already dead. The new mother then starts stomping on the baby with her combat boots, smashing it through the holes in the shopping cart. Clang, clang, clang, squish, squish, squish! She starts up the chant from before, the one with the 'n-word,' in rhythm with her stomping, and they all join in. (Except for the negro himself, of course, because of course he has not been directly addressed. Incidentally, he's the baby's father.) As she's forcing the tyke through the bottom of the cart like an egg slicer, the jungle-denizen is underneath, catching the dripping pieces in a large metal wok. Once the unfortunate lil' guy has been completely processed through the unyielding steel latticework, Sambo plugs in the wok and begins to stir the smoking bits of dead infant with his cock, which by the way is even bigger than the dad's. The smell of the cooking meat attracts the family dog, Barley, a fine-looking Golden Retriever. He trots onstage, and the boy and girl lead him into the now-coagulating kiddie pool and start energetically licking his dick and balls. Within 30-40 seconds he ejaculates into the daughter's mouth, she snowballs the load into the son's mouth, and he crawls over to the wok and drizzles out the dog-goo over the still-cooking youngster-chunks. By way of pre-dinner preparation, all six living members of the act leap into a big pile and start sucking and fucking each other, working every possible body part into any hole that stops moving long enough. They all fart and cum simultaneously. Then a genteel English maid and butler bring out an elegant table with fine place settings, the family all sits at the table, the jigaboo serves them each a nice portion of Fried Stillbirth with Dog Sauce over some nice white rice, and they enjoy a happy family meal and chat about what they'll buy with Grandpa's money."And... curtain."
Maury looks at the other man thoughtfully for a long, long moment, and then says, "I can honestly tell you, in all my years in show business, that is the most unique act I've ever heard of. What... what do they call themselves?"
And the man says, "You know, I probably should have asked?"