September 18, 2006

Secret CIA interrogation techniques revealed!

The Grauniad blows the lid off the mother:

Details emerged yesterday about the seven interrogation techniques the CIA is seeking to be allowed to apply to terror suspects... The techniques sought by the CIA are: induced hypothermia; forcing suspects to stand for prolonged periods; sleep deprivation; a technique called "the attention grab" where a suspect's shirt is forcefully seized; the "attention slap" or open hand slapping that hurts but does not lead to physical damage; the "belly slap"; and sound and light manipulation.

All you want to do is blow up some infidels for Allah, but these pigs won't let you sit down or take a nap or put on a sweater. If the blasphemers are feeling particularly American, they might even wrinkle your outfit. Or give you a pinkbelly! AAAAIIIEEEEEEEE!!!

But check it out, the Bush regime doesn't want to tell you about the other torture techniques he's devised...

  • The Faux Shirt Stain: Interrogator points at suspect's chest: "Look, you've got something on your shirt." When suspect looks down, interrogator brings up index finger, tweaking suspect's nose. Interrogator laughs. This grievous affront, a loss of honor in the eyes of Allah, administers massive psychic trauma to suspect. Repeat as needed.
  • The Urkel: Suspect is locked in room lined with 72-inch plasma screens showing non-stop Family Matters episodes featuring '90s "urban nerd" Steve Urkel. Longest recorded breaking time: 2.3 minutes.
  • The Echo: Interrogator repeats all of suspect's statements in snotty voice...

    Suspect: All unbelievers will fall before the sword of Allah!
    Interrogator: [Flouncing about room in effeminate fashion] All unbelievers will fall! Before the sword! Of Allah! Who is my boyfriend! Pppbbbbbbhhht!!
  • Interrogator's failure to be struck down instantly places suspect under extreme psychological stress. In case of emergency, interrogator may deploy Nyah-Nyah-Nyah Protocol.

  • The Complete and Utter Mindfuck: Suspect is addressed directly by unchaperoned female exposing more than 3% of her epidermis.
  • The Chomsky: Suspect is strapped to chair in room with award-craving theoretical linguist Noam Chomsky. Earplugs are placed on table just out of suspect's reach. (This protocol is considered a Last Resort.)

Which evil-ass AmeriKKKan torture techniques have I missed?

PREVIOUSLY... Pope: "Islam Can Suck It"

P.S. More gobsmacking AmWHOREican vileness.

Posted by Jim Treacher at September 18, 2006 08:47 PM

The Oregonian: Subject is placed in a cell with a smelly hippie, who responds to every verbal assault with a variation of "Dude! I like totally see where your head's at, y'know? My Uncle Milt once..." and procedes to tell a long, rambling and unlikely story about Uncle Milt's adventures.

Caution: May be lethal in extended application.

Posted by: mojo at September 18, 2006 09:39 PM

The Unholy Trinity. Wedgie, Purple Nurple and a Wet Willy.

Posted by: sockpuppet in training at September 18, 2006 09:46 PM

Thanks for that, I needed a way to clear up
my lungs. :)

Posted by: nbpundit at September 19, 2006 07:58 AM

I'm afraid many of those techniques could be considered humiliating a suspect and thus would not be allowed by the Geneva Convention.

Posted by: Frank J. at September 19, 2006 09:56 AM

The Scorcese - Beinginterrogatedbyacademyawardwinningdirectormartinscorcesewhotalkstoorapidlytobecomprehendedutterlybafflingthe suspectuntilbaffledhebreaksdownbeingwillingtoconfesstoanything

Posted by: sultan knish at September 19, 2006 10:58 AM

You forgot the LYNCHING: Detainee is forced to watch "Twin Peaks" over and over again until he figures it out.

Banned on most planets.

Posted by: Robert Crawford at September 19, 2006 11:02 AM

The Sheehanigans: Being locked in a room with Cindy Sheehan who goes on and on about what the "war is really about" until the suspect breaks down and spills the beans just to shut her up.

Posted by: Kragar at September 19, 2006 11:22 AM

Subject is rolled in breadcrumbs (or sugar, honey etc) and placed in front of a very hungry Rosanne Barr

Posted by: Atwood at September 19, 2006 11:27 AM

Back to back Teletubbies and Barney marathon.
Oooh,I don't know, that may be too much.

Posted by: mbruce at September 19, 2006 11:27 AM

Schroedinger's Mohammed: Subject is shown a blank sheet of paper and informed that a picture of Mohammed is on the other side, visible only to the interrogator. Interrogator points at paper and laughs until Subject breaks, or dies of shame.

Note: Protocol forbids an actual representation of Mohammed. Shhh!

Posted by: Brian Jones at September 19, 2006 11:42 AM

The Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk:(most appropriate when interrogating multiple suspects)An eye gouge, followed by knocking their heads together and finished with a single, continuous slap across both of thier faces while yelling woob,woob,woob...woob.

Posted by: bn853 at September 19, 2006 11:43 AM

You forgot "The Baabwa". Suspect is forced to sit in chair listening to every interview Baabwa Wawa ever gave. During questioning, interviewer will speak like Baabwa Wawa.

Posted by: Shaken at September 19, 2006 11:45 AM

The Parent: Subject must sit through a day of alternating teletubby and Barney broadcasts. If he refuses to break, force him to discuss Thomas the Tank Train with a group of 6-year-old boys who scream at him every time he gets one of the engine names wrong. If he still does not break, please send him to my house, I need a babysitter.

Posted by: coyote at September 19, 2006 11:52 AM

Dang, mbruce beat me to it.

Posted by: coyote at September 19, 2006 11:54 AM

The Billy Squire Protocol

Unlawful enemy combatant / terrorist suspect --er-- Poor shepherd swept up in the fog of war made to wear pink gym shorts -- tight in the crotchal region, rowwwrrr -- and sleeveless t-shirt and ordered to flounce to and fro in prison cell clutching a Fischer-Price play guitar, all under threat of being forced to watch the original video.

Boone's Farm Ancillary Protocol

Threat to be forced to watch Squire video supplemented with threat to be force fed Boone's Farm Strawberry.

Posted by: Tongueboy at September 19, 2006 11:54 AM

The Babs. Similar to the Baabwa. The suspect is forced to watch Yentl until he denies both gender and heritage.

Posted by: Zelda at September 19, 2006 11:56 AM

The Christmas/Birthday Horror:

Suspect watches 100 children unwrap presents and then is told he will be required to remove the hermetically sealed Kevlar-like plastic encasing them. And the metallic ties that hold them to the cardboard casing. With his bare hands. And then tell the children that batteries are not included. Then, don't give him any batteries.

Posted by: Tongueboy at September 19, 2006 12:04 PM

Clip detainees fingernails. Then tell detainee he will be released if he can remove all wrappings, including any sticky tape, from 50 brand new Shakira CD cases in 1 hour or less. Detainee will either break down from exposure to hips that don't lie or extreme frustration at his inability to remove said wrappings.

Posted by: John F Not Kerry at September 19, 2006 12:18 PM

My cousin's uncle's roommate's friend's husband is in the CIA, and that's how I learned of these other three secret interrogation methods.

THE FALSE HOPE: Detainee is placed in round room, and warned that there is a French lingerie catalogue in the corner of the room. Detainee searches for catalogue unsuccessfully until will is broken.

THE BRAIN TRUST: Detainee is blindfolded, and warned that he will soon be handed a pile of dead man's brains. Cold boiled linguine is given to detainee.

THE GOT MILK?: Detainee is given a peanut butter sandwich, and an empty milk carton.

Posted by: Sean Gleeson at September 19, 2006 12:21 PM

Your forgot the deadliest technigue of all: THE SULLIVAN. Prisoner is locked in a room with Andrew Sullivan. Sullivan proceeds to speak sympathetically about how terrible it must be for the prisoner be to be stripped in front of the guards to reveal that swarthy, sweaty, middle eastern complexion, to be tied up in humiliating postions, and then whipped. As Sullivan gets more "enthusiastic" about protecting the prisoner's Geneva Convention rights, the prisoner is seized with lethal nausea and offers to give OBL's location AND fork over two hundred bucks for Sullivan's blogsite fundraiser if only Sullivan will put his pants back on.

Posted by: CARP at September 19, 2006 12:31 PM

Don't forget the Plame Blame Shame Game: Detainee is locked in a room with former Crossfire panelists all trying to explain the details of the Novak leak.

Posted by: Northbound at September 19, 2006 12:57 PM

Doesn't "flouncing" constitute a War Crime™? This could cause serious repercussions.

Posted by: Spiny Norman at September 19, 2006 01:06 PM

Don't forget the "Gotch your Nose"

Posted by: Rival Vindoor at September 19, 2006 01:19 PM

Live reenactments of famous Monty Python skits, but with an Islamic flavor. Particularly effective due to the complete lack of silliness in Islam.

Posted by: Machiavelli at September 19, 2006 01:37 PM

THE JIFFY LUBE: detainee is restricted to diet of Jiffy Lube 'coffee', with double creamer powder.

THE NEW YORKER: detainee is restrained inside NY cab; driver is told detainee is "in a big hurry", and "it's quicker on the Cross Bronx". No kidney padding is provided.

THE EDU-BABBLE: detainee is forced to listen to edubabble from public school officials 24x7.

THE DMV: detainee is actually interviewed by DMV 'service' personnel, after standing in line for 72 hours.

Posted by: Shaken at September 19, 2006 01:38 PM



However you forgot interrogation technique #9!

A game of "Allah says".

Posted by: ed at September 19, 2006 01:39 PM

The Democratic Majority: Detainees are forced to listen to leading democratic politicians repeat over and over how the 2000 and 2004 elections were stolen. This continues till the democrats actually win an election. Can be a substitute for the death penalty.

Posted by: EdSki at September 19, 2006 02:50 PM

THE KERRY COMPLEX - Detainee is forced to sit in a room With John Kerry while he explains how he voted for the $87 Billion before he voted against it and then they compare wounds that are worthy of Purple Hearts (Kerry's part in this takes about 2 seconds)

Posted by: Tyr at September 19, 2006 03:01 PM

The pink gym shorts are a good beginning, but why not go all the way? Tutus for them all.

Posted by: Bleepless at September 19, 2006 03:13 PM

Would nude photos of Rosie O'Donnell violate the Geneva Convention?

How about the real thing?

I can't imagine *any* male surviving that experience...

Posted by: I-Burn at September 19, 2006 03:26 PM

I-burn.... exactly, that is what it would end up being... EYE-BURN!!

Now, that would be denounced even by the beheadist wing of the Allah-loves-death, terror, murder, blood, anger, hate, family-killing, bathroom-hating, intolerant religion.

Posted by: Dee McClanahan at September 19, 2006 03:36 PM

Speaking of Andrew Sullivan, here's the best View From My Window yet:

Posted by: Mike G at September 19, 2006 03:36 PM

You need some trackbackin' up in this bitch.

Plus I swore I left a comment yesterday. I may literally have hallucinated it. Meth and tears will have that effect on a man.

I lie awake day and night thinking about having the chance to comment on your creative genius, but you're never *sniff* around for us...*cry* spends all your time where they pay you...*sniff* how dare you...DON'T YOU LOVE US ANYMORE?

Posted by: JimK at September 19, 2006 03:44 PM

you guys are really twisted, apply for/ buy a passport and take a look around. (hot tip; sew a canadian flag on your backpack - you may end up in conversation with non amerikkkans that way.)

Posted by: flybynyt at September 19, 2006 06:33 PM

Egad, Mike. May your all your sons, and their sons...

O, nevermind. If you're proposing that as torture for the Islamists, I think you won.

Posted by: Brian Jones at September 19, 2006 06:37 PM

First, separate your terror suspects. Then make one of them the HERO. When I say HERO, I mean this: Make one special little guy the Moderate Muslim Who Came Forward and Told Everything He Knew. Immediately make him famous. On Arab TV. In Arab press. Publish his face, his address, his wives'names and his kids names, where they go to school or work, and photoshop pictures of Orthodox rabbis and Catholic priests into the photos of the HERO and posters...yes, billboard-sized posters, thanking him and embracing him for his cooperation in the War on Terror....then release him. Because, you know, Islam is THE religion of peace. Heh.

Posted by: Jauhara al Kafirah at September 19, 2006 09:08 PM

The Numb Chuck - place male prisoner in room alone with pair of Nun - chucks. Lock door, return after one hour. Most normal males will have beaten themselves bloody trying to use weapon. Ensuing senselessness makes prisoner far more forthcoming.

*Does not work with female prisoners* Female inmates tend to abscond with weapon planted under Burqa. Attempts to recover weapons have been ruled ' cruel and unusual punishment' and have been banned by Guard union contract.

Posted by: Evrviglnt at September 19, 2006 09:10 PM

OK, last one for the night.

THE 1040: detainees receive a hardcopy of 1040 form and printed volumes of the tax code. They must fill out their own 1040 form, in duplicate, doing the addition by hand. Tell them if they don't finish by March 15, you'll be seizing the furniture in their cell. Detainees are not allowed to put up their hands to ask questions.

Posted by: Shaken at September 19, 2006 09:50 PM

THE NPR PLEDGE DRIVE: Subject is placed just out of reach of a telephone as an endless recording of Daniel Pinkwater, Sarah Vowel and Sandra Tsing Loh plead and whine that their pledge drive will end if just one Muslim will match funds. "You are a good Muslim aren't you? We know that there is at least one of you who love and fear Allah enough to make that call."

THE AMERICAN IDOL BLOOPER REEL: Warning. May be considered permanently damaging.

And for your most non-cooperative and strong willed detainees, we suggest the ultimate weapon:

Posted by: Cobb at September 19, 2006 10:09 PM

The Stearman:Put wing-walking gear on bi-plane. Handcuff detainee to gear. Bring in Blue Angels to pratice stunts during off season.

The Bill Clinton U:Capture live AR razorback. Tie razorback to winch. Tie winch to....freeway pillar? Tie detainee to post close enough to reach with winch line. Order Detainee to answer questions. If he does not comply, let out about 5 feet of slack on winch. Note:we can't use dogs, no one said anything about a pig.

The Cargo Jock:Put detainee on prop driven cargo plane. Take plane up to about 5k feet. Tie bungee cord to detainee's ankles and toss him out of plane. Reel him back in and repeat until he cracks.

The State Pen:Import actual convicts from US jails to harrass the detainees. Muslim converts need not apply, and the 1st 2 spots go to Nasty Nate and The Tossed Salad Man

Posted by: hurricane567 at September 20, 2006 02:25 AM

Place detainee naked in a cell where the walls are made of armoured plasma screens. Keep playing gay porn 24x7 on the screens and add Viagra to the detainees food. Watch his abject shame overwhelm him, then offer to turn the porn off if he fesses up.....

Posted by: harmless at September 20, 2006 02:26 AM

Two words:


Absolutely inhuman.

However, prior to that last resort, try showing them the Miami - Florida St. game as it was shown on ESPN2 with the 10 views of the game on one screen. Sure to induce retinal bleeding.

Posted by: TomB at September 20, 2006 04:49 AM

The FlyByNyt: Place detainee in interrogation room. Stick your head in the door and troll the detainee, then run to the video screen and watch his little brow furrow as he tries to think up a retort that addresses the bewildering stupidity of your remark without playing into the next bewilderingly stupid remark you've got all lined up for him.

Note: Protocol doesn't actually *accomplish* anything, but it makes the interrogator feel like a big man. A big man without the balls to sew the American Flag on his backpack, but a big man nonetheless.

Posted by: Brian Jones at September 20, 2006 07:08 AM

To spread democracy and freedom you have to knock a few heads together it seems.

Posted by: Saskboy at September 20, 2006 09:00 AM

Hugo Chavez is now torturing the UN. Can we arrest him now?

Posted by: David at September 20, 2006 09:52 AM

Dreadful treatment, and the prisoner knows from history that if he survives, he'll get the infamous Abu Ghraib "rude pointing" torture.

Posted by: Richard Hallahan at September 20, 2006 10:05 AM

The terrorists are our friends.

Posted by: Inkslinger at September 20, 2006 02:39 PM

I am a terroritst lover. I like them and I think we need to torture them with love.

Posted by: davideyoung at September 20, 2006 02:40 PM

Yes, I agree. Kill them with kindness I always say. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Posted by: OthodoxMarxist at September 20, 2006 02:42 PM

The Regret-inator: handcuff suspect to a wall in a padded room with a (secretly armored) radio broadcasting Rush Limbaugh just out of reach. Then, provide him with a pistol with a single shot.

He will waste the shot on the radio (which will be unaffected) before realizing that, as a consequence of his haste, he no longer possesses the means to blow his own brains out. He will soon tell us EVERYTHING!!!

P.S. The gun will need to be padded in order to prevent the suspect from beating himself to death with it.

P.P.S. This technique will be particularly effective because the majority of so-called "terrorists" being tortured will be American liberals who oppose the actions of the current administration.

Posted by: Leviticus at September 20, 2006 03:34 PM

Jim, you've got Lev's ip address, right?

No reason.

Posted by: Brian Jones at September 21, 2006 05:43 AM

If we don't hear from Leviticus again, it's probably because he's been locked up and tortured for thoughtcrime. Just like in the book! Bush is a fascist, etc.

Posted by: kl at September 21, 2006 10:18 AM

The Fab Five: This technique involves a uniformed R. Lee Ermey busting into subject's Guantanamo Bay hideaway explaining that half way around the world his wife was mistaken for a bee keeper and subsequently arrested for not reading the Q'Uran to the bees. Oh, by the way, your orange man-jammies look like shit and clash with the walls.

The Phone Book: This involves hiring an out-of-work, down on their luck wrestler to beat the ever living shit out of subject and telling the press that subject was reading a phone book when it suddenly fell on him.

A play on your own "The Chomsky" in which the subject is told he may only use the earplugs once. Chomsky begins his usual rhetoric at which point subject uses earplugs...enter Howard Zinn. Remove earplugs. Begin even uglier, useless banter.

Posted by: Minus at September 23, 2006 08:43 PM