September 12, 2008

Did you know McCain is super-old?

ludacris_obama.jpgObama is now going after McCain for being "an out-of-touch, out-of-date computer illiterate." Which is smart. Young people have always been the most reliable voting bloc in American politics, and they will turn out in great numbers to oppose any reminder of their own mortality.

One way of getting in touch with young folks is to speak to them via the medium of popular music. A little known fact I just made up is that John F. Kennedy was the original drummer for the Beatles. That's how he became president, because all those cheering, fainting girls voted for him.

But we're living in the here and now, and the hip hop sounds are what today's kids like! So I've written a rap song for Barack to rap so he can become president because he's not some old white dude:

Well! My! Name is Obama and you're going to hail the Chief
McCain's so old that he's missing several teeth

I jog every day and nutrition is a must
If McLame fell down, his fool ass would turn to dust

I'm smooth and I'm youthful and I look good in a suit
He's a cranky old bastard and a cancer-ridden coot

He tried to send an e-mail but he couldn't find a stamp
He has to wear Depends or his trousers get damp
Way back in the '80s, his nickname was "Gramps"
And his wheelchair's hilarious without an access ramp

My Twitter page tells you which tie I've just selected
So don't vote McCain, he's far too old to be elected

Seriously, please don't vote for him
I want to be president very badly and if I lose, my wife will kill me
Literally
You people can't do this to me over some snowbilly baby-machine out of a Coen Brothers movie

Peace and I am out!

It's a work in progress, obviously, but once it's finished I really think it's going to get the youth vote out to the polls.

P.S. But seriously, folks: These last two days we've got a young presidential candidate ineptly doing the dozens on his older, more experienced opponent, and an elderly network news anchor seething with frustration over his inability to destroy a young, less experienced vice-presidential candidate. Which would seem to be working at cross-purposes. "Young people, old people... why not alienate 'em all?" Except McCain and Palin have that one thing in common: the scarlet (R). So flail away!

P.P.S. And we know Charlie Gibson is Internet-savvy, because he Googled those questions 10 minutes before the interview. He has no problem using a computer because he wasn't tortured for 5 years, unless you count waiting for Peter Jennings to give up his seat.

P.P.P.S. Those gloves Obama just took off? They're pink, they go up above the elbow, and he wears them to the opera. BAM!!

Posted by Jim Treacher at September 12, 2008 02:15 PM