October 13, 2008

Note to everybody who can't stop moaning that it's all over and we're going to end up in Room 101 with rat-cages strapped to our faces

Now!What you're feeling right now is not natural. It's the result of prolonged exposure to harmful radiation from a highly toxic, media-infected presidential campaign. Symptoms may include nausea, sweating, constant checking of poll results, dizziness, fever, irritation at glaring double standards, coughing, Googling, loss of appetite, bewilderment at a world seemingly gone mad, vaginal dryness, and Drudge.

Fortunately, this condition, known as Allahpecia, can be cured quickly and easily: Dr. Jim prescribes 24 hours of cold turkey.

Read a book. Rake some leaves. Watch that Netflix DVD that's been sitting on top of the TV for a week. Get some actual work done. If you're really jonesing, you can even resort to talking face-to-face with another human being. (If it drifts into politics, though... split!) The important thing is to avoid all of this crap for one whole day. It'll still be here when you get back.

You can do it. You have to do it. Doctor's orders.

But before you go. Really, truly, seriously. If you think that they're right? That this is all over? Listen: They are trying to psyche you out. Don't be too proud to admit it's not your idea.

There's no shame in falling prey to this vicious, heartless, relentless emotional assault. It's tough to avoid it. Day in and day out, they're trying to wear you down. But they can't make you a victim unless you let them. Are you gonna give them the satisfaction? Are you gonna go out like a Frum? A Brooks? A Buckley? A... for God's sake, a Hitchens???

Not me. No way. It's not over, for one simple reason:

That's what they want.

Now get outta here, you knucklehead. See ya tomorrow.

Posted by Jim Treacher at October 13, 2008 02:05 PM