October 23, 2008

Sarah Palin Supersizes Fries

By David Axelrod, Associated Press

Media Bubble, Oct. 23 -- Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has come under fire in recent days after it was revealed that earlier this year, a drive-through meal purchased by the Alaskan Governor contained more than the usual number of french fries.

The discovery was made during a routine Associated Press search of drive-through security camera footage obtained from the McDonald's restaurant at 130 Front St. in Juneau, less than a mile from the governor's mansion. On a tape from Feb. 15 of this year, a woman closely resembling Palin can be seen speaking intently for several seconds, pausing, and then nodding her head and smiling. According to lip readers hired by the AP, the woman may very well have been saying, "Oh, you betcha." And in subsequent interviews, restaurant staff have identified the woman as the governor and confirmed that on the night in question, Palin very likely would have been asked about her desired number of fries.

After days of controversy and several evasions ("I sure don't remember specific details about a fast food run I made last winter. Aren't you being a little silly?"), Palin yesterday acknowledged responsibility for her part in the culinary misappropriation widely known as Deliciousgate.

"Okay, I remember now. Trig was kicking away something fierce, and I really had a craving for a double cheeseburger," the former beauty queen and killer of defenseless animals admitted. "Usually I try to eat pretty healthy, but every once in a while you gotta treat yourself. And I figured the little guy wouldn't mind. Todd said he wasn't really hungry, but he could eat some fries maybe. So when the gal asked if I wanted to supersize it, I figured we could just split the fries. Those things are so tasty."

During an appearance in Indianapolis today, President Obama -- delivering his speech in front of his usual backdrop, an enormous solid-gold statue of himself -- scoffed at the greasy slob's miserable excuse for her career-ending irresponsibility.

"Sarah Palin says she's just an ordinary working-class American. [laughter] Now it turns out she eats strips of potato that have been fried and salted. And if somebody offers her more of them for a slightly higher price... that's just fine with her. [boos] Go along, get along, eh, Governor? Are you going to throw away the American people's money too? We cannot afford to have this woman in the White House. Er, I mean a cancer-ravaged heartbeat away from the White House."

Pres. Obama then emitted a discreet puff of arugula-scented flatulence, curing a nearby blind child.

(At press time, Morgan Spurlock could not be reached for comment on this story.)

Previously:

Palin Dodges Tough Questions About Existence of "Alaska"
Misspelling Found in Palin's Personal Journal
McCain Refers to Obama as "My Opponent"
Biden Clarifies Earlier Remarks on His Dread of an Obama Administration

P.S. Welcome Farkers! Fark.com: If Passive-Aggressive Sarcasm Won Elections, We'd Be Backing Lieberman

Posted by Jim Treacher at October 23, 2008 07:10 PM