March 19, 2009

No respect, no respect at all

Last night, President Obama debuted his standup comedy act on the Tonight Show. You've heard his hilarious wisecracks about the Special Olympics and "waterheads," and here are a few of his other witticisms:

  • "Thanks for having me on the show, Jay. You seem like a pretty nice guy... for an Italian. [Tony Soprano impersonation] Ayyyy! Fuggetaboutit!"
  • "Kevin Eubanks, how are ya, man? Is Jay letting you come in through the front entrance yet? No? It's okay, I do the same thing to Biden."
  • "I stopped by Hollywood earlier. Or as I call it, Little Israel. I dropped a penny on the sidewalk and lost 3 Secret Service guys."
  • "You think being the first black president is easy? Every time I leave the White House, Secret Service checks my pockets for silverware."
  • "Yeah, John McCain and I get along. Although he always freezes me out when I try to give him a high five! [audience groans] What, too soon?"
  • "Sarah Palin and I don't talk much, 'cause I don't speak Tardese. 'Doy! Durr! Look at my dumb baby!' [audience member boos] Oh, lighten up."
  • "Ya know, I thought about picking a female VP too. But I've already got somebody to clean my house and fetch me beers! Am I right, fellas?"
  • "Any Irish folks in the audience? Don't raise your hand, you might spill your drink. 'When Oirish oys are smilin'...'" [staggers, pretends to vomit]
  • "Another great thing about LA is all the fags. [audience hisses] OK, OK, Faggot-Americans. Hey, I got no problem with it. After all, I did hire Rahm Emmanuel!"
  • "You know what cracks me up? Chinese people. [sticks front teeth over bottom lip and pushes back corners of eyes] 'Herro, Mistel Plesident!'"
  • "People ask what scares me most. Iran? The economy? Try: Waking up every morning next to She-Hulk! Oh, I'm gonna get it when I come home."

Newly appointed Humor Czar Joe Biden could not be reached for comment.

P.S. I think we all remember where we were when we found out JFK had gone on the Tonight Show and mocked the developmentally disabled. As FDR said: "The only thing we have to fear is... one of those people trying to hug us." And who can forget the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln? "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, dedicated to the proposition that all tards are hilarious."

P.P.S. Obama responds to the controversy: "You know, I didn't mess with those people's chromosomes. This administration has inherited these genetic anomalies."

P.P.P.S. I predicted "POTUS as insult comic" days beforehand.

Posted by Jim Treacher at March 19, 2009 10:17 PM