April 11, 2009

You might say I have a Twittictive personality, LOL

NOTE: Some of these aren't exactly the way they appeared on Twitter. Call it Twittistic license. Or don't, see if I care.

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Guess who recommended "Taxi Driver" to Mark David Chapman? Glenn Beck. Emboldened, Beck then loaned "A Catcher in the Rye" to John Hinckley.

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First sign Kal Penn was up to something: "Harold & Kumar Stimulate Honest Dialogue & Bring New Voices to the Table." http://tr.im/iswM

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It took Reagan 15 years to go from an acting career to the White House. So you can go ahead and shut up about that now.

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Favorite scene from Van Wilder 3: Rahm Emmanuel flies into desk-toppling rage when Taj completely screws up Starbucks order.

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John Wilkes Booth finally snapped after months of listening to Mark Levin. Way to go, Mark, always calling the president "Abraham Stinkin'."

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Sarah Palin should know that you don't let people stay at your house even if they're practically family. Just look at Obama's half-brothers.

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When you welcome someone to the national stage by saying she faked her pregnancy, I'm skeptical about your impartiality. Signed, A. Kook

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Keith Olbermann: Twidiot. http://tr.im/isQI

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BREAKING: Pres. Obama promises to respond to Somali pirates' kidnapping of U.S. ship captain with "swift and decisive apologies."

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RT @McCainBlogette Dinner with beast friends [I picture her having a little tea party with her stuffed animals. -- ed.]

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The "Obama is a megalomaniac" thing is such a ridiculous right-wing smear. BTW, now he wants to take over the weather: http://tr.im/iui2

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http://tr.im/iujN HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

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So, you think we should worry less about missile defense than global warming? Hint: Everybody agrees that nuclear missiles exist.

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Desmond Hume was in the new episode of Lost for about 90 seconds. It's all about making effective use of your time.

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FDR knew about Pearl Harbor in advance but decided not to try to stop it, on the advice of his close friend and personal advisor Glenn Beck.

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Ben Linus takes showers instead of baths, due to an irrational aversion to draining the tub.

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U.S., Somali pirates in standoff over kidnapped ship captain: http://tr.im/iwfJ Oh, WE can tell THEM what to do? Way to be arrogant, guys.

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BTW, that ship is LOADED WITH FOOD FOR AFRICA. There we go again, throwing our weight around, not caring if it's okay with everybody else.

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"Guys, we're talking about housing now, not this direct repudiation of my foreign policy fantasies." http://tr.im/iwje

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You probably didn't know that Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked over that lantern after getting really worked up listening to Glenn Beck.

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Stop distracting us with this Palin clothing "scandal" and report about the real story: Her overdue video rentals. http://bit.ly/1IFHBM

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If somebody asks why we should care more about our own citizens than other countries' citizens, is it okay to question their patriotism?

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Homeland Security just sent out a memo specifying that Somali pirates are to be referred to as "seafaring freelance wealth redistributors."

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Meg-Meg McCain's Totally Awesome Guide to Being a Republican, Ch. 1: How Not to Distract Whoopi Goldberg with Facts

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Obama withholding comment on U.S./Somali contretemps until he decides which side he agrees with. Napolitano: "They're nautical organizers."

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They're not really making a big deal about it, but Meghan McCain's ghostwriter is going to be Miss South Carolina: http://bit.ly/3fWeQp

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It's comforting to know that this guy is one freak basketball accident away from being our president. http://bit.ly/lu46s

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Thing is, this happens to Bill Schulz ALL THE TIME. http://bit.ly/15SCL7 They're calling it an "Olbermann moment," except it's not real gas.

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Although I couldn't really pay attention to what Beck was saying, because I was too busy trying to get a peek at Schulz's nipples.

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Glenn Beck just poured water on Greta Van Susteren. R.I.P.

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Most cybersavvy White House ever: http://tr.im/ixxo What's worse, POTUS keeps sending "Numa Numa" to everybody like it's still 2006.

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If you're going to put up a story about a Madame Tussaud wax figure, shouldn't the pictures include the actual person? http://tr.im/ixAF

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Obama's dismissal of Somali pirate question even haughtier than I'd imagined: http://tr.im/ixGC Guess they're just spreading the wealth.

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Possible titles for Meg-Meg's book: How to Make Friends By Influencing Nobody. The Piffle-Driven Life. I'm OK, You're a Constitution-Hugger.

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I'd take Meghan McCain more seriously if it didn't seem like all this is just her way of snagging a spot as guest judge on American Idol.

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Navy SEALs on hold in Somalia crisis while POTUS determines whether Capt. Phillips has received excessive compensation. http://tr.im/ixZ1

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"An appropriate 21st century response" to pirates? What, making them walk a polycarbonate plank? http://tr.im/iy5R How about shooting them?

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Family of Capt. Richard Phillips breathes sigh of relief, Somali thugs tremble as John Kerry calls for piracy hearings. http://tr.im/iybh

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How would you feel if somebody you loved was kidnapped at sea, and the news called it an "annoying distraction"? http://tr.im/iyvQ

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When told the SEALs were ready to go, Biden asked if he could throw them some fish. Couldn't tell if he was kidding or not.

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No wonder Sarah Palin looks like that! http://tr.im/izBc Wish I'd known about this before I bought all those diet books and space heaters.

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"It's just a bow." Well, it's just the number 5. Why not admit you can get it by adding 2 and 2? Why are you being divisive and partisan?

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Go, Richard the Sea Captain: http://tr.im/izRp He's not waiting for Obama to spread the bullets around. Now they'll check his tax records.

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JTP got tired of waiting for somebody to ask Obama an actual question. Got pilloried for embarrassing him. Wonder how they'll jeer THIS guy?

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Domino's delivers. Obama hasn't. http://tr.im/iDVE

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But I understand the exasperation. What's so bad about an average Joe-- er, average Barack picking up the phone and ordering a pizzamaker?

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U.S. vs. pirates. How many other problems is POTUS going to bring back that were solved by Thomas Jefferson? (Revenge for Sally Hemings?)

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You can bet Kim Jong-il is keeping a close eye on this pilot situation.

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OMG T PARTEEZ R HITLAR http://tr.im/iALV

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I'm worried that we're going to see more of these kidnappings, now that people are realizing it's the only way to get Obama to shut up.

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@AnthonyCumia "Pirates"? Tsk tsk, they're now known as "maritime social-justice activists."

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"Words must mean something. Except for the preceding sentence." http://tr.im/iBDI

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After this interview, the two of them teamed up with Crispin Glover & Tracy Morgan and started a detective agency. http://tr.im/iBGD

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Why is this guy talking tougher to American taxpayers than to NK tyrants and Somali thugs? It's like Lex Luthor took over the Super Friends.

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Remember the theory that everyone hated us for being so warlike, and everything's okay now that we're playing nicey-nice? http://tr.im/iDi2

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Wow, these pirates really know how to get what they want: http://tr.im/iDjt

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Maybe the Obama administration will speak up about these Somali thugs if one of them says something nice about Sarah Palin.

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POTUS just flew in Wolfgang Puck to make him a sandwich.

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@TommyXtopher Don't worry, the sandwich came with a side order of carbon credits.

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@TommyXtopher Of course it's untrue, the guy just happened to have packed a suitcase full of pizza dough and ran into Obama at the airport.

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Janet Napolitano has dictated that 9/11 will now be known as "the regrettable but temporary aeronautic/architectural intermingling."

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The White House welcomes a fluffy, adorable new occupant who craps all over everything. Also, the Obamas just got a puppy. http://tr.im/iDu4

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Female SNL cast member hurt by media twisting around facts, taking things out of context. AKA karma. http://tr.im/iDvB

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Twitter News with Andy Levy: http://is.gd/rXyW Hey, how come Jamie Colby never lets anybody pour water all over her? In public, I mean.

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@andylevy Guess I'll just keep trying... BTW, I just had a beer with the unknown, and now I can't find my car keys. COINCIDENCE???

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Obama's Somali silence explained: If he condemns guys who coerce money out of those who've earned it, he'll have nothing left to talk about.

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Can you imagine if George Bush refused to comment on hijackers because they were white guys with cowboy hats?

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Dear Jon Stewart: And what you're worried about now is called "dissent." http://tr.im/iDO4 P.S. Why did I have to watch a commercial first?

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The reason I never answer Twitter's question -- "What are you doing?" -- is that you really don't want to know. Especially right now.

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Raise the Twitanic!

Posted by Jim Treacher at April 11, 2009 04:29 PM