THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Good evening. It's good to be here. It's been... [checks watch] ...wow, over 3 hours since I last gave a speech on TV. Starting to go through withdrawal.
Great to see everybody here tonight. So many good people. We've got Joe Biden here. Sheriff Joe. Just look at him. Smiling and laughing like he has any idea what's going on. There ya go, Plugs, flash those choppers. You paid enough for 'em. "Just make sure they match the hair I bought, Doc." Folks, I hereby declare everything from Joe's neck up a man-caused disaster.
I kid because I love. Joe's a good man, good family man. Lovely daughter. You know, Ashley Biden was planning to take the Amtrak down here tonight, but she got distracted at the station by all those huge rails.
But hey, who am I to talk about family problems? I'd read you the list of all my half-brothers, but it's longer than the stimulus bill.
You guys heard about my half-brother Samson, right? Yeah, when he was heading over here for my inauguration, he ran into a... well, a bit of a problem in England. Got kicked out. Turns out they'd already met their weekly quota on child molesters. Oops!
Another big difference between George Bush and me: His brother used to run a state, and my brother was run out of a country.
And don't even get me started on my Auntie Zeituni. I'm the first president to deal with so much hassle from an alien since Independence Day.
Speaking of the news, interesting item today: A Saudi judge has said it's okay to slap your wife if she spends too much. [mock-dramatic pause, leans into the mic] And you still wanna know why I bow to them?
Boy oh boy, I'm in for it now. Should I look? I'm gonna look. [looks over at Michelle] Oof. Yeah, I know. I know. You gotta believe I love you, baby, but next time could you maybe wear the four-hundred-dollar shoes to the homeless shelter? You're killin' me out there. [to audience] Oh, man, that was not a good look. I am not looking forward to the ride home.
Well, it beats making her laugh. Every time she slaps the table, they have to bring out a new table. Know what I mean? [flexes biceps, snarls] But I tell ya, I've loved her from the first moment Skynet sent her back in time to kill Sarah Connor.
Anyhoo. Look at all these lovely people here tonight. Helen Thomas. I know you're out there, hot thing. Stand up, stand up. Oh, you are. Okay. Now, I've got a little surprise for you, Helen. A lot of people have taken to calling tonight's event the "Nerd Prom." And in that spirit, I'd like to announce... Helen Thomas is Queen of the Prom! Give her a big hand, folks.
Quick, Helen, look up! Just kidding.
Andrew Sullivan, there he is. And Todd Palin, good to have you here. You know, I heard these two had a little altercation earlier. I'm a little unclear on the details, but apparently it ended with Andy getting dragged away, screaming "Who's the real mother???"
Sorry about all that stuff during the election, Todd. You know how Axelrod can get. He's got all his little nerds typing away on their computers, e-mailing all that stuff to, heh... to respected journalists like... [chuckles] ...like Sullivan there. [laughs] And Kos! [audience laughs along for one solid minute]
Ah, heh, whew. And speaking of hilarious comedy, thank goodness for Tina Fey, huh? I cannot wait to raise her taxes. She'll be all like... [mimes holding tax statement at arm's length, gasping in astonishment] "Wait, what? I thought we was tight, yo!"
Meghan McCain. What a doll. Isn't she adorable, folks? Glad to see she fixed herself back up. See, earlier she was standing between Carville and Axelrod, and the glare from their scalps was melting her makeup. Anyway, I can't wait to not read your book, honey. How to Lose Friends and Influence Nobody.
But let's get back to me. I'm the reason you're all here tonight. Or anywhere, any night.
Hey, have you seen that new Star Trek movie? Terrific, terrific stuff. A Star Trek for our times. I've even read some reviews saying I'd make a good starship captain. Yeah. Can't you just see it? Right after I lay off 8.9% of the crew and blame it on the previous captain, I go around the galaxy apologizing to the Klingons. And the Romulans. And the Cardassians. And the Ferengi. And the Tribbles...
I wouldn't have Air Force One, though. Or as I like to call it, Air Force 9/11. We really put a good scare into those New Yorkers, huh? Gotta keep 'em on their toes. They'll get over it, though. I mean, what are they gonna do, not vote for me? [biggest laugh of evening]
Yeah, all kinds of people are kicking themselves for voting for me. Any Chrysler execs in the audience tonight? Wave your top hats and monocles. Just kidding, they're all in their panic rooms. If they want to figure out what the hell happened, I hope they stocked copies of The Communist Manifesto. It'll change your life! [grins]
Well, it's about time for me to clear the stage so Wanda Sykes can say things really loudly and wait for people to laugh. I hope she uses the Limbaugh jokes I sent her.
And that's my time, folks, you've been great. POTUS out!
P.S. From the same alternate universe: Miss Wanda Sykes. A few of the jokes are pretty raw, but at least this version doesn't wish death on anybody.Posted by Jim Treacher at May 16, 2009 01:08 PM