November 22, 2009

Malik Nidal Hasan Goes to Heaven

EXT. GATES OF HEAVEN* - ETERNAL DAWN

Nidal_Hasan.jpgRidwan, gatekeeper of the Muslim afterlife: Hasan! Welcome to Paradise! Allah be praised!

Hasan: Thank you! Oh, it's so nice to finally be here. The infidels, death to them all, they made me wait so very long.

R: Yeah. Infidels. Don't you pity 'em? Anyway, you're looking good. Er, as good as... as can be...

H: It's okay, you can say it. I don't mind being in this wheelchair. All in a day's jihad.

R: Good. Excellent! That's the spirit, if you'll pardon the expression. Okay then, my friend. Paradise is yours. What would you like to do first?

H: Yes, um... If it's no trouble... I was kind of hoping I could... Ahem... This is embarrassing.

R: Not at all! You'd like to meet your 72 virgins, wouldn't you? Yes? It's okay, a promise is a promise.

H: That would be very very very very nice.

R: I hear you, I hear you! Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you've been a really terrific martyr, and your multitude of unsullied maidens awaits. They're eager to fulfill your every desire. Aching to service you beyond all earthly imagining. I have to say, they're really quite revved up about it. You're a bit of a celebrity around here!

H: Oh, dear sweet Allah, yes, y-- Wait. What's the bad news?

R: They're at the top of those stairs.

SMASH TO BLACK

*Not the ridiculous Christian heaven as imagined by the pinch-faced scold and the uneducated rustic, but the exotic Muslim Heaven, their belief in which we must all try to respect.

Posted by Jim Treacher at November 22, 2009 04:47 PM