November 29, 2009

A friendly chat with the global warming evangelist who lives in my head

Hello, hyperventilating zealot.

Greetings, denialist scum.

Now that we've dispensed with the formalities, please allow me to point and laugh at you. Ahem. Ha ha ha! Point point point!

Shut up.

That's what you'd like me to do. That's what you'd like all of us to do. Shut our mouths and open our wallets. Did you really think it was going to be so easy?

This doesn't prove anything.

What doesn't?

You know.

We both do. I just want to hear you say it.

This Clim... This Climateguh. Guh.

That's it, almost there.

This Climategate garbage doesn't mean anything! You science-denying neocon fascist racist warmongering planet-raping... [Goes on like this for a bit]

My goodness. Feel better?

No.

Well, I do. OMG, can you believe Obama changed his mind about going to Copenhagen after all this stuff came out? It's like sprinting to board your ship at the last minute, and it's the Titanic.

You're the Titanic. You are.

Should we do this some other time? You're making even less sense than usual.

Do you really think you know more than scientists? They're scientists.

Yes, and science is a wonderful thing. It has expanded our knowledge of the physical world and improved our lives in countless ways. It also has nothing to do with what these frauds, and the useful idiots who believed them, have been pulling.

How would you know?

I can read. "Hide the decline" and "Quick, delete these files before somebody catches on" and "HOLY CRAP WHY CAN'T I GET THIS DATA TO SAY WHAT WE NEED IT TO SAY IN ORDER TO KEEP OUR JOBS" aren't exactly complex scientific concepts.

That just shows what a simpleton you are. You put scientists on a pedestal, so when you see them behaving like regular human beings, you think they've done something wrong.

Pedestal? I'm not putting them on a pedestal. You're the one who's been taking their every word as gospel and hurling invective at anybody who dares to question them. I've been saying all along that they're fallible and they're not telling us everything. This Climategate stuff is better proof than I ever could have imagined.

It's just the normal peer-review process. You wouldn't understand.

I understand that when they say things like "We need to keep these guys out of peer-reviewed journals" and "Let's get this editor fired for publishing an article that disagrees with us," it goes beyond the regular process. It's thuggery. It's a disgrace.

The science is settled. You're a denier. You probably don't believe in the Holocaust either.

What's next, are you going to rip off an old Gilbert Gottfried joke and act like you've done something clever? Settle down, you're sweating through your hemp shirt.

Hemp is a miracle plant, man. You can make so many different things out of--

Fascinating, yes. So you're taking all of this news well, that's the important thing.

F*** you, denier.

I'll get right on that, just as soon as I buy an SUV big enough to carry all the incandescent bulbs I'll need to light my new coal plant.

F*** you, denier.

Okay. Well, have a good one, Chicken Little.

F*** you, denier. F*** you, denier. F*** you, denier. F*** you, denier. [Rocks back and forth in corner, weeping softly, until it's time for Living with Ed]

P.S. "The science is settled... er, at the bottom of that dumpster!"

P.P.S. Climategate is a story about computer hacking in much the same way Watergate was a story about parking garages.

Previously: A friendly chat with the liberal who lives in my head

Posted by Jim Treacher at November 29, 2009 03:37 AM