"Amber" needs "her" latest suitor to rescue her from a marriage commune on an island off the coast of San Diego:
heathenfromhell: when can u gt out of there a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Maybe never. a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I am married to six different people. heathenfromhell: how is that possible a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Joseph Rainhorse, Saffron Earthpower, Carl Lumbly, Simon Teacherstone, Ed Begley Jr. and Thomas Greenfoot. a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Six people. heathenfromhell: hmmmmm a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I hate it! heathenfromhell: how did u get there a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My dad moved in in 1992 when that grunge music was popular. heathenfromhell: ic a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And he took me with him. a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: And before I knew it I was married to six old men and drinking kava kava smoothies every weekend. a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I have never even seen a movie! heathenfromhell: if you ask me i would say that is not right
"How the hell did AOL ever buy Time Warner in the first place? Who okayed that? Time Warner is a multimedia conglomerate with businesses as varied as film, book publishing, magazine publishing, TV, they own Warner Brothers... AOL is an Internet service that can't control spam! They're on Version 8, their eighth version, and they still don't seem to grasp that I need neither my mortgage approved nor my penis enlarged! [Nebbishy voice] That is a half-truth... I hear penis rates are going through the roof!" --Jon Stewart, The Daily Show
I just posted my Kimmel hatchet piece over at Blogcritics. Be sure to check out the Snoop merchandise links at the bottom. I get a cut off that, except actually I don't.
Jake Walker makes the inevitable Kimmel/Conan comparison. The difference is that when Conan started on Late Night,
he'd never starred in his own show before. He'd barely even performed
on TV before. He'd been a writer and had done a few bit parts on SNL,
but that was his first time in the spotlight. So, true, he was an
annoying, tic-ridden nervous wreck for the first, what, five years? (As
opposed to the annoying, tic-ridden vet he is now...) But with Kimmel's
years of on-camera experience, you'd think he'd have his act together a
little better. Sure, it was basic cable and it was relatively
low-pressure, but it's not like he's a rookie. Not to mention that
Conan had some funny writing straight out of the gate. (Not only was
the opening "Ya better be as funny as Letterman!" sketch a classic, it
instantly set the tone for everything that's come since.) They actually
gave him stuff to do and say. Whereas Kimmel's up there going, "So,
Snoop, kill anybody today? Heh heh heh," and then he does some shots.
I promised myself I wasn't going to, but after reading Carina Chocano's piece on Jimmy Kimmel Live (she's definitely worth clicking through those Benzo ads) and listening to TV Barn's Aaron Barnhart talking about it, I figured I'd check out last night's show just because I don't like myself very much. The episode was still sitting there on the Tivo, too depressed to go anywhere. "Mister, would you please watch me? Or don't, whatever." So I locked up all the sharp objects and cleaning supplies in the house and settled in.
Where to start... Well, each night so far, the show has opened with Kimmel walking down the street and directly into the studio. Genuinely nice touch. Symbolic, self-deprecating. "Look, folks, I'm just a guy they dragged in off the street!" And it's a good opportunity for sight gags. The first night, right after the Super Bowl (well, 7 freaking hours after), he stopped along the way to console a heartbroken member of the "Raider Nation." The next couple of nights also had sight gags that I can't remember off the top of my head. Good idea, though.
But last night, he just slouched down the street looking at his shoes, for all the world like any other hangdog shlub about to walk into a job he dreads. It took me almost 5 years at my last job to get that look on my face walking in, and he's there after only 4 nights. The only attempt at a joke was a "BAR CLOSED" sign next to the door.
It was all downhill from there. I keep hearing about this great writing staff he's got -- Steve O'Donnell (Letterman's original head writer), Joel Hodgson from MST3K, even the Sports Guy from ESPN.com -- but I'm not sure what they've been doing for the last six months. There's no monologue, which I guess is actually merciful. But they haven't given him much else to do at the top of the show, so he resorted to getting bombed with co-host Snoop Dogg. After showing a montage of all the "entertainment news" reports about the show getting its liquor license revoked, Kimmel brought out a quart carton that said "Goat Milk" and poured out shots of a clear liquid that made even the Dee-Oh-Double-Gizzle-for-Shizzle wince and shudder like a 16-year-old girl at her first frat party. Everything's funnier when you're drunk, right?
Then Kimmel started in on Oprah, saying he wanted to celebrate her birthday. He sent one of the crew (his uncle, I think?) out into the audience with a church basket to collect money to buy her a present from the Home Shopping Network. Kind of a funny idea, and it might have worked if the audience hadn't been dead quiet the whole time. Don't they have an APPLAUSE sign? A PLEASE LAUGH WE'RE BEGGING YOU sign?
So they collected nine dollars and some change for Oprah, and he brought up HSN on the big plasma screen behind him and dialed them up. Except when he went to put the sales clerk on speaker phone, he kept pushing the wrong button and cutting them off. He did this 3 times, switching from HSN to QVC, each time having to redial and go through the process of asking for permission to put the sales rep on the air. "Hi, I'm Jimmy Kimmel, we're doing a show, can I put you on the air?" Then he'd hang up on them, thinking they'd hung up on him. All of this on live national TV. Excruciating. He finally asked Snoop for a gun so he could shoot himself. Has there ever been a suicide on live TV? He'd had several shots of Everclear or whatever it was, so who knows if he'd have gone through with it.
He finally got through to somebody at one of the shopping networks and tried some Lettermanesque banter with her, but she was having none of it. She must have seen an episode of The Man Show. I think he ultimately succeeded in buying a few pairs of stretch pants for Oprah's birthday. Wow, Jimmy, point proven. Oprah sucks, and women who buy from and work for shopping channels are dumb. And it only took about 75 minutes, with approximately 0 laughs. All this on live TV, remember. I'm almost feeling his naked panic just typing this.
Then the night's first guest was Adam Carolla, not wearing a big sign that said NOBODY WANTS TO APPEAR ON THIS SHOW, and not having to. He bellowed out strings of words at the audience (I was starting to shut down emotionally at this point, so I can't remember the particulars), the three of them did more shots, and he and Kimmel were kind enough to repeatedly remind Snoop that he's black. Say, "desperate" and "despair" have the same Latin root, don't they? Oh, no reason.
Sweet Christ, I'm crying, I'm actually weeping with borrowed shame as I type this. So then there was a cooking segment with a very nice old lady, some sort of deep-frying expert, who Kimmel proceeded to torment. They battered up various food items and threw them in a deep fryer, Kimmel and Carrola yammering to be heard over each other the whole time. I don't know how many shots they had in them here at the 30-minute mark, but it was more than me. Anyway, they got a wristwatch from somebody in the audience and deep-fried that. Ha ha. Just chaos, and not wacky, madap chaos either. More of a please-somebody-help-them chaos.
Then Kimmel asked the woman, who was very short and squat, "How do you eat this stuff all the time and stay so thin?" That was when my sympathy for him snapped to hatred. What the fuck, Kimmel? You were lucky to get her on the show at all, you dumbass! Your first guest was Adam Carolla! Well, when he grabbed the poor woman and started kissing her full on the mouth, that's when I just had to shut it off.
(Update: I just watched 10 more minutes of it. There was this inept "ventriloquist" who spoke English as his 3rd or 4th language and couldn't possibly be funny even in his 1st, and Kimmel kept interrupting his act, and the poor dumb bastard brought everything to a dead stop to haltingly demand some respect, and under the circumstances I think he more than deserved it. I had to turn it off again at that point, but I hope the audience rushed the stage to get some of that booze before their ordeal was over. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to finish the episode and find out.)
So to recap: Live broadcast and apparently no rehearsals. AWOL writers. No ideas. No guests. Millions spent on a set with an open bar that they used for one night. Bewildered studio audience. Depressed, panicky, and now openly drunken host. The whole mess locked in a death spiral, halfway through its first week.
Chevy and Magic, a nation forgives you.
P.S. Sorry, Snoop. You did actually provide a few good moments. If the porno thing didn't hurt your career, this probably won't either.
Q: Why did Sarah try out for Joe Millionaire?
A: She wanted somebody else to start footing the bills.
As of this moment, the Millionaire/Hellman Maakies prank is #13 on Popdex.
As Lileks told me: "That prank was so brilliantly cold, Omaha Steaks should use it instead of dry ice to keep the meat frozen."
Update, 20 minutes later: Whoa, Popdex is like the stock market!
Q: So, do you think Sarah will win on Joe Millionaire?
A: I don't know, but at least she'll be tied.
Rhetorical question Would you like to set your home page to Lizzie Grubman PR? Um, no. Grubman PR Gotta love Google [601am.com]
Well, I did. You should see what happens when you click the Back button!
Coming soon to FOX: Jane Never-Starred-in-
Or maybe a remake of The Ropers? I dunno.
finally picks up on yesterday's Maakies. (Oh, so I'm not good enough to
make fun of "anti-Zionists" on your board, but I'm good enough for your
blog? Well! (Just kidding, Dirk!)) Dirk also plugs the Title Bout comics review column over at Kevin Smith's Movie Poop Shoot site, written by somebody known only as "A.K." I like Title Bout
too, but I wish somebody would read it over at least once before it's
posted. There's some really funny stuff (if you're a comics nerd like
me, at least), but you have to wade through a lot of boring crap
to get to it. A.K. needs one of those handy Bad Idea Just Move On
Please filters. Although I guess that's fitting for a site sponsored by
the creator of Dogma and Mallrats. OOPS!
P.S. The Warren Ellis bashing is awesome, though. Global Frequency? More like Global Narcolepsy.
So, Jimmy Kimmel Live. The first night I enjoyed, actually. I've always been put off by Kimmel's smug Man Show persona, so his raw, pants-shitting terror in the first few minutes was almost endearing. Voice and hands trembling like crazy... "Ziggy-socky" that, bitch! But once he regained his composure, he got off some good one-liners about the Super Bowl and its attendant bullshit. Plus, the novelty of having Snoop Dogg as his co-host was... novel, and his frequent middle fingers gave the ABC censors a workout.
And inaugural guest George Clooney just didn't give a fuck. He actually sauntered onstage with a bottle of vodka and some glasses, and they had a nice cocktail while they chatted about what they could and couldn't say on live TV. ("You can say 'ass'... and you can say 'hole'...") The crowd was bombed too because there was an open bar right next door, so everybody was rowdy and eager to laugh. All in all, it was a surprisingly fun hour of TV. Rough around the edges, but fun.
The second night, though? Complete disaster. For whatever reason, somebody thought it would be a good idea to have a fake snowstorm on the set. NBC was having some sort of "Blizzard Monday" theme on all their shows that night, so in tribute to that, Kimmel had some stagehands shake phony snow over the set. Maybe he thought it was Lettermanesque. But a visibly annoyed The Rock... wait, a visibly annoyed Rock? The Rock? Anyway, the guy from Scorpion King was playing along but obviously getting more and more ticked off by the snow during his interview, and Kimmel's constant, babbling interruptions didn't help either. Jesus, I'm just trying to think of a dumber idea than constantly sprinkling plastic shavings into the eyes and mouth of a huge wrestler while he's trying to talk. Oh, I know! If ABC hadn't banned the free hooch for the audience after the first night (somebody puked, Disney freaked), maybe they could have pulled the drunkest guy in the crowd up into the rafters to piss down on the guests!
By that point I'd had enough. If the show's still around in a month, I'll check back then.
P.S. Snoop is definitely not off pot, or else he's just perma-stoned by this point. I got a contact buzz just watching him try to care.
Here's Rall "shrugging," courtesy of Smokin' Steve Hogan:
Well, whaddaya know? Rall didn't draw this week's Maakies after all!
Well, he drew a strip and submitted it, fully expected it to run today,
but Tony Millionaire switched it with a world-class slam on Rall by
Danny Hellman, the guy who Rall is currently suing for $1.5 million
over a prank. It's kind of complicated, I guess. (See the FREE DIRTY DANNY site and this TCJ thread
to read more about it.) Point is, Hellman and Millionaire pulled one
over on everybody, Rall in particular. Just perfect. I mean, you sue a
guy for playing a prank on you, one of his best friends offers to let
you draw his strip, and then... they pull a prank on you! Shock!
Hellman and Millionaire hyped it for weeks, too, concocting a "feud"
between them for added flavor. "How could you let that jackass draw
your strip, you two-faced skunk," etc. Very nicely done all around. Oh,
what I wouldn't give to see the look on Rall's face this morning. (Update: His response? "(shrug)" Sure, Ted. Just like you shrugged off that other prank...)
Don't forget: Tomorrow is "Black Tuesday" at Maakies.com! What Would Rall Draw?TM
Well, my name is Honest Abe
And I'm here to say
The 'Mancipation Proclamation
Okay, that sucked, but Achewood is always funny.
Lileks has a rundown of the cruddy Super Bowl ads this year, but he left out the creepiest one of all: The Gatorade ad, where Michael
Jordan plays a trash-talking game of one-on-one against his younger
self, back when he could still defy gravity and hadn't yet endorsed
every single product in the universe. (Not to be confused with the
Michael Jordan Hanes commercial, where he waggles his eyebrows at the
camera while Jackie Chan mugs and jumps around as only Jackie Chan can
be paid enormous sums of money to do.) I haven't been able to pin down
what's so chilling about the Gatorade ad -- The not-quite-right CGI
Jordan? The (apparently unintentional) message that time is cruel and
you can never get back what you've lost, no matter how hard you try to
convince yourself that you've still got it? The Being John Malkovich-ness
of a universe consisting of nothing but various permutations of Michael
Jordan? -- but it sure as hell doesn't make me want to drink Gatorade.
As if all that wasn't enough of a turnoff, they've given Jordan that
disgusting "yellow Gatorade sweat" that looks like riboflavin-enriched
piss oozing out of his pores. Nice!
Christmas is just around the corner, if you're reading this 10-odd months from the time I'm writing it. So why not check out this strange, deeply offensive short film featuring Zach Galifianakis as one horny Santa? If you're not too creeped out by it, there's plenty more where that came from.
And come to think of it, if you're reading this 10-odd months from now, it means they haven't destroyed the Internet yet. Ha! Nice try, assholes!
Vote, vote, vote for me! Or don't, it's not a big deal. No, no, it's cool, don't worry about it. I said don't worry about it. Okay, fine, do what you want.
I never really thought about it, but it makes sense that the Incredible Hulk would have blackheads on his nose. Just imagine it: "HULK EXFOLIATE!!! HULK SQUEEZE PUNY PIMPLES!!!" I don't think so.
Ken Layne is going to be on the radio tomorrow, and I am going to listen to him.
Now get out there and protest!
(If anybody feels like using this slogan to make a sign that doesn't look like it was whipped up in 90 seconds, feel free.)
Okay, okay, stop begging. Really now, it's just unseemly.
Hey, did you know that Ted Rall is going to do a guest spot on the Maakies
comic strip? You know, the one by the amazing Tony Millionaire, where
the monkey in a top hat and the suicidal crow with the "DOOK DOOK DOOK"
and such, they're always getting wasted and shooting themselves in the
head? Well, Rall is drawing it next week. Which is pretty strange,
considering that Millionaire has publicly declared Rall to be "a douchebag of the lowest kind" because of that slight lawsuit against Millionaire's old pal Danny Hellman. And Hellman, for his part, has called Millionaire "a two-faced skunk" for working with Rall. So it should be pretty interesting! Be sure to check out Maakies this Tuesday to see what all the fuss is about.