Looks like you guys liked the Garofalo Onion-type thing. Well, not to keep biting they style, but I heard somewhere that every Onion staff member has to come up with 25 possible headlines every week, and I thought I'd try it. I only came up with 10, but that's just in one afternoon so leave me alone:
Ja Rule Flatly Rejects Demands To Halt Fronting Campaign
Aaron Brown To Finish Thought
Area Boy Touched On Boy Area
Natalie Maines: "We're More Popular Than Mohammed Now"
Kim Jong-il Thinks He's People
Bob Newhart Anticipates Call From Lorne Michaels, Practices New Zealand Accent [Insert picture of Peter Arnett]
Another Emaciated Blonde Finds Self Trapped In Dance Sequence With Christina Applegate
Lenny Kravitz Fails To, Rocks Vote
John Gibson Vainly Represses Thirst For Human Blood
Class Of '87 Starting To Feel It
Update: Heh heh heh...
I read your clip art thingy about Elizabeth Wurtzel. What was that all about? Do you just think she's a shitty writer or do you have too much time on your hands?It can't be both?
Bushington, DB -- In a televised address from somewhere inside one of his 57 palaces, President George W. Bush today issued a fatwa on actress/comedienne Janeane Garofalo, calling for "all noble American people to hunt down the godless dog Garofalo and bring her to me alive." Bush then stepped back from the ornatedly carved podium and pressed a button on a large industrial plastic-shredding machine behind him, into which a pair of Secret Service agents slowly lowered a futilely struggling lamb, hooves first. "Such is the fate of all who would oppose me," Bush intoned, over the grinding of the shredder and the anguished shrieks of the gradually pulverized animal.
"The infidel Michael Moore," continued the heavily bejeweled president, after the gore-streaked machine had finished its work, "is to be soaked in kerosene and burned alive in the street, and the smoldering ashes mocked and spat upon by children and old women. Let it be so. Let it be so. The hopeless monkey Tim Robbins, who merely will be decapitated on the steps of the Bush [formerly Lincoln] Memorial, may count himself among the fortunate. God is great." Also named in the 45-minute statement were Sean Penn (drowning), Barbara Streisand (poison gas), Martin Sheen (the bastinado, followed by suffocation, flaying of the shins and forearms, more bastinado, and finally beheading), and Saved By the Bell star Dustin Diamond (genital electrocution), as well as several dozen other noted entertainers and the increasingly savage and complex methods of torture and/or execution in store for them.
After describing in precise detail how Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, over a period of days, will be sliced into "as many pieces as there are stars in the midnight sky" with electrically charged wire-saws while being doused at irregular intervals with buckets of habanero sauce, "such that the very fires of Hell will bring relief," Bush then ended the speech by hoisting a bolt-action rifle over his head, squeezing shut his kohl-rimmed eyes, and bellowing a stream of glossolalia, or "speaking in tongues," for several minutes.
Garofalo -- who has gone into hiding in and around her Los Angeles home since her appearances this week on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, MTV, BET, HGTV, The View, The Caroline Rhea Show, the Portland morning talk show Wakin' Up with Connie and Chuck, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Daily Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and Blind Date -- responded to Bush's decree in a posting to the online outreach community CelebsRpeople2.com: "It's just so typical of the duplicitous mainstream media to look the other way while actors and other public figures are being silenced. Everything's just fine, people, go back to sleep. Wait, how is anybody even reading this?"
(Apologies to The Onion (duh))
Currently on ISC:
Another musical number, with an orchestra and a chorus and some older
male lead vocalists. A guy runs out in the middle of the song waving an
Iraqi flag and making an impassioned speech, presumably about how
America ain't shit and Saddam is going to kick some ass. It's obviously
prerecorded, but the orchestra looks very skilled, with the violinists
furiously bowing away or whatever the verb is, and the singers are
these very distinguished 50ish guys. And I'm thinking, "These people
have so much talent and skill, and their whole lives they've been
forced to play nothing but love songs to that douchebag." Then it's a
brief little news report about American anti-war protesters. Looks like
you've found your audience, kids. More man-on-the-street interviews.
One young man says his little brother was shot in the back of the head
for drawing an eyepatch on one of the 47 Saddam posters on their block,
and he can't wait to get rid of the murdering son of a bitch. Just
Wow, Saddam is on this channel a lot.
And when he's not onscreen and people aren't singing about him, there
are these man-on-the-Arab-street interviews where people talk about
him. I can only make out "Saddam," "America," and "Israel." Man, they
don't sound happy about two out of those three! Anyway, Saddam is great
and all, but how about giving somebody else a chance?
Another music video on Iraq Satellite Channel.
The lip-syncher this time is younger and slimmer, but he doesn't seem
to know the words very well. And the images, the glorious images!
Saddam in front of a group of dancing men, shooting a rifle in the air;
Saddam flanked by guards, shooting a rifle in the air; Saddam seated at
a desk cluttered with papers and such in the middle of a crowded
outdoor plaza... shooting a rifle in the air. The rifle theme
dominates. I imagine the video editor lost at least a hand or two,
because there's a bottle of water on that desk, and at one point Saddam
almost knocks it over but catches it at the last second. Should have
cut that part out, bud. If he'd actually spilled the water and they
showed it in the video, you just know some dudes would be having a
little chat with Mr. Shredder.
Addendum: In this blog entry,
I originally wrote "cheap seats" with "cheap" in quotes, but it seemed
too cutesy so I changed it. I figured everybody would know what I meant
by that figure of speech. "Peanut gallery" was another possibility, but
then I figured you guys would think there were actual peanuts in the
audience, like Mr. Peanut or something. Mr. Peanut would never boo
anybody, he seems too classy. Point is, I apologize for any confusion.
(And besides, that was before I knew it was only five stagehands, and
they were booing some other people who were booing. It had nothing to
do with what Moore said or the way he said it. No, seriously!)
Two great tastes that taste great together: Layne does Achewood.
I'm not as familiar with today's Achewood guest artist, but he's got my favorite character Lie Bot in there, and it cracked me up.
I've been pretty mean to Michael Moore lately, but I think he's finally changed my mind:
"Saddam Hussein is a brutal dictator, and I hope he’s removed as soon as possible. But nonviolently."Good idea! First we'll coax Saddam out of his bunker with a trail of delicious candy. Then, once his belly is full and he's all sleepy and happy, we'll calmly explain that we don't approve of what he's been doing and it's not very nice and we wish he'd stop. And he'll be like, "Whoa, I never thought of it that way. You guys are my friends! I like you!" And then everybody will hug and cry, and then get a little embarrassed about crying, and then make some jokes to cover up being embarrassed. And then a beautiful rainbow will appear, and a shy unicorn will walk down it, and Saddam will ride the unicorn to the North Pole, and he'll spend the rest of his life helping Santa make wonderful toys for all the good little girls and boys, and there'll be hot chocolate, and, and, and, and nobody will ever ever die again for any reason ever. THE END
My entry in the BBC's Michael Moore caption contest: "What are you talking about? I DID shave... Oh wait, these are cake crumbs!"
Cathy Seipp gave in and got her own blog. And I helped! Well, not really.
[Insert hacky headline using pop-culture reference that has the word "rock" in it and replacing it with the word "Iraq"]
I just watched a few minutes of the Iraq Satellite Channel (instructions for viewing it on the Web here),
and it's some interesting stuff. Just now they showed some sort of
music video, with a rather portly gentleman who resembled Morris Day
halfheartedly lip-synching to a peppy tune, interspersed with various
clips of Saddam Hussein interacting with his loving subjects. There's
Saddam smiling and waving from a balcony; there's Saddam smiling and
waving in the middle of a cheering crowd; there's Saddam smiling and
making "All this for me?" gestures to a line of dancing
children; etc. I don't speak non-American, but I think the lyrics to
the song went a little something like this: Check it out, Saddam is here
How can the infidels say he's not awesome
Look at him in that shot right there
Let's see George Bush rock a sweater vest and porkpie like that
Please, Allah, I don't want to die
Saddam says my family will be okay if I sing this
Which goes back to him being awesome like I said earlier
Here I am, rock you like my man Hussein
Hey, whaddaya know. One year ago today. Woo-hoo. Baby's first steps included the obligatory Moore-, France-, and Oscar-bashing, of course...
In the spirit of Bill Bridges, I've come up with an anti-war poem of my own:
Stop it, Mr. Bush.
Taking lives is going to help?
Unilateral murder of thousands?
Is it easy to sleep at night, Mr. Bush?
Do you care?
How does it feel to kill babies, Mr. Bush?
Innocent little babies?
Presidents shouldn't do that, but then, you wouldn't know.
Pause and reflect, Mr. Bush.
If you continue on this course,
Elections aren't the only things you'll steal.
Freedom fries aren't the issue, Mr. Bush.
All your bombs can't blow up the truth.
George W. Bush, wake up!
Smell the crying children.
Speaking of Sam Henderson: The funny being lectured by the unfunny about what is and isn't funny is always funny.
Now that I've seen this, the "bottomless" scene in Short Cuts has been ruined FOREVER.
Sam Henderson's cartoons can also be found at Serializer.net, where for only pennies a day, you can make a difference in the lives of some needy* cartoonists. Won't you please help?
*Sam says, "You misspelled 'nerdy'."
Achewood Guest Week continues.
K. Thor Jensen really captures the strip's unique blend of innocence and
depravity. Philippe is the cartoonists' fave, looks like.
Most of the Hollywood audience smiled and applauded, but stagehands, who were close to the microphones, booed loudly, making it appear to a television listener that Moore’s criticism of President Bush was not well received.Well, I can't get their comments feature to work for some reason, but here's what I was going to reply:
A handful of stagehands drowned him out, that's pretty good. But why stop there? The real truth that the facist corporate-owned media is afraid to tell us is that the whole crowd was really cheering the whole time. Yeah! When Moore had the guts to speak out against "the fictition of duct tape," the crowd leapt to its feet! Ben Affleck clapped so hard he shattered his right ulna, Salma Hayek began ululating and manifesting the wounds of Christ, and several other major Hollywood stars were seen collapsing in a fit of near-Pentecostal ecstasy. But then those Oscar Nazis plugged in some canned booing, and replaced the footage of Moore's standing O with earlier shots of Harrison Ford sitting on his hands and Adrien Brody looking contemplative and achingly soulful during the award for Best Key Grip. Why? So the Red states won't stop going to the movies.
Cowards! Why is the media afraid of the TRUTH?!?
"If you ever write about my family again, I will [bleeping] find you and I will [bleeping] hurt you." --Tim [Bleeping] Robbins to "Reliable Source" columnist Lloyd Grove
I just got my copy of the new Achewood cookbook, Recipes for a Lady or a Man,
and it's so awesome that I might have to go out and buy a pan. It's a
funny book, of course, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have real
recipes. It does. The recipes are real. All too real.
Another Michael Moore thing, this one from the Sydney Morning Herald:
In an interview after the show, Moore said he did not hear the jeers. "I was extremely grateful for the response," he said. "I mean, that's not what I saw. I saw the entire place stand up and applaud. I mean, don't report that. Don't say there was a split decision in the hall because five loud people booed. Do your job and tell the truth."Uh... I don't know if anybody bothered to tell you, Mike, but... YOU WERE ON LIVE TV ALL OVER THE WORLD. You weren't talking to a bank teller in Michigan, guy. You can't go into the editing room and fix it. You were accepting an Oscar in front of God and everybody. We all saw what happened, as it happened. It's one thing if you want to say the crowd was wrong to resoundingly boo you off the stage. (Not the whole crowd, of course -- not the big shots like Harrison Ford and, uh, Lou Gossett -- just the average joes in the cheap seats, the type of folks you claim to speak for.) If you want to say that they should have kept cheering even after you opened your mouth, best of luck with that. But when you just blatantly, reflexively make shit up like that, it only reinforces the idea that you're in your own little world. Talk about "fictition." Oh, wait, Moore is never going to read this. Never mind. Anyway, I think Poniewozik puts it best:
If Moore really wants to end the war -- and not just boost the spirits of his Upper West Side neighbors -- then mightn't he also want to win over people who oppose the war and yet don't believe that Bush is an illegimate president swept into office by skullduggery? Is he so insulated that he doesn't realize people like that exist? Or are people like that simply not simon-pure enough for him to want them in his antiwar movement? ...A lot of smart people agree with you. But if someone disagrees with you, are they not worth allying with against the war? Would you rather have a war in Iraq than pass up a chance to bring up Florida again?
Come to think of it, Fametracker puts it even better than that:
"Hi, I'm Michael Moore. It's a good thing you gave me an award for Best Documentary Feature and recognized the one thing I do better than anyone else: championing popular causes in such a way that even those people who agree with me fundamentally despise me for acting as their public spokesman. But I don't care! 'Sense of occasion'? What's that? 'Speaking persuasively and making cogent arguments instead of screeching slogans'? I've never tried that before -- why start now?"
Fametracker's 2003 Oscar Edition of the Galaxy of Fame is up, and it's funny and cruel and spot-on, because it's Fametracker.
Did anybody else get the feeling that last night wasn't the first time Jack Nicholson has seen Mickey Mouse walking around?
My favorite new phrase: "the fictition (sic) of duct tape."
Speaking of tape, how about that "new" Saddam Hussein deal? Yeah, that's current. No, seriously! Just ignore the references to Pac-Man and Hello, Larry.
Holy shit. I repeat: Holy shit. The only way to keep from completely freaking out is to make stupid jokes.
So far I'm liking MTV's war coverage the best. It sucks that they've postponed their Spring Break Snatch-and-Package-Fest '03 until next week, but it's kind of cute how they keep referring to "shock & awe" as "shizzle & ah-ight."
Holy shit, it's like Apocalypse Now
with a news ticker. Are they making sure to hit all the little bitty
babies? They need to make sure to target all the little bitty babies,
or else the puke-protests will have been in vain.
Die neueste dumme Karikatur durch Ted Rall wird hier besprochen.
From the "Uh... No" Dept.
Subj: Is 2003 "The Year of the Blogger"? Date: 3/19/2003 12:00:42 PM From: *****.****@Heritage.org To: [Me] Jim, You've been discovered! Tim Rutten's Media column in today's edition of The Los Angeles Times is the latest example of the traditional media's newfound appreciation of the growing influence of bloggers on America's public policy debates. Our job at The Heritage Foundation is to provide useful resources - objective data and conservative analysis and commentary - to journalists, analysts and commentators of all stripes. But we aren't quite sure how to do this with the blogger community. So this email is an invitation for you to participate in an experiment. For the next month, we will periodically email to you short notices about significant Heritage studies, publications and events. At the end of the month, let us know if these notices were helpful. If not, tell us at any time, and you won't get any more. If you find you only want those notices regarding specific issue areas - foreign policy, welfare reform, etc. - we'll limit our future emails to you thusly. If you want to continue receiving all of the notices, let us know that, too. Regardless of your perspective on the issues of the day, we are confident you will find Heritage materials useful in your effort to provide the kind of incisive, immediate and thoughtful commentary and analysis made possible by blogging. We look forward to hearing your thoughts. Sincerely, Laura Bodwell Marketing Manager The Heritage Foundation Mark Tapscott Director, Media Services The Heritage Foundation Subj: Re: Is 2003 "The Year of the Blogger"? Date: 3/19/2003 12:05:25 PM From: [Me] To: *****.****@Heritage.org No thank you.
Ah, the Superman Curse. Remember "Sunshine Superman"? Heard anything from Donovan lately? Cursed! Or how about "I Am Superman" by REM? Right after that, Michael Stipe started losing his hair. Cursed!
Give up the ham and go to The First-Ever Will Forte Fansite.
First read this.
Subj: Is it really the country music INDUSTRY doing this to Natalie Maines? From: [Me] To: [Stephanie Zacharek] I thought it was the country music FANS who were "forcing" her to apologize. Sure, they're wildly overreacting, but they're the ones keeping her in lip gloss, and it's in her own self-interest to make nice. The only reason anybody even knows about what she said is because she's got a whole lot of fans, and the only reason she's apologizing is because she doesn't want to lose them. And what's with the "Manchurian Candidate" stuff? Haven't you ever had to make an apology you didn't really mean? Or didn't the teachers do that when you were growing up on Mars? (Just kidding. Channeling Bill O'Reilly. Anyway.) The whole thing is just silly, and I don't see how overreacting to the overreaction is going to help. Of course Maines has the right to say what she likes. Just as her fans have the right to completely freak out over it. It's dumb, but it's not censorship. And it's not like she's going to be "disappeared" for speaking out against her government. Jim Treacher jimtreacher.blogspot.com
Is anybody else feeling a little edgy? I'm feeling kind of edgy.
"I remember when I used to watch cowboy movies [as a child], and the Indians would drink and they'd crawl over a wagon filled with hooch and be riding the wagon, cracking open the cases of whiskey and drinking it. I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't stand the taste of whiskey, so the movie was ruined for me, so I would imagine they were drinking orangeade, which I really loved. Yeah, orangeade! Hah, hah!" --Tony Millionaire, The Comics Journal #215
Millionaire's Last Stand?
In the TCJ thread
about that "feather-headed douchebags" Maakies strip that's causing a
fuss, Tony Millionaire passes along the following e-mail. Just to set
the scene, Terminal City is a free weekly in Vancouver, BC that publishes the strip:
kakilani brigoli wrote: This email is to inform you that we are taking action against Terminal City for it's editorial cartoon that promotes racism against North American Native people indigenous to this continent. as well, it takes advantage of, and abuses, the right to freedom of press, freedom of speech. We are asking Terminal City to print a retraction or an apology, as well as, the name of the cartoonist. If this is not forthcoming, then we will fax all post secondary student unions, First Nations student union offices, First Nations bands and political organizations and other activist organizations to boycott Terminal City's advertisers and we will pull all Terminal City newspapers from all drop off spots. Notices are being sent out to all advertisers with a copy of the 'cartoon.' We understand that you have already been approached by a staff member of one of our First Nations organizations and your reply that the cartoon was simply comedic in nature (not the exact wording). Today, post-September 11 and with the possible advent of war, there is no excuse for this type of descriminatory editorial hidden by a pseudonym, hidden by use of caricature.All that over this? So now I guess somebody's going to do a counter-protest over this... (I'm still trying to figure out what "the '80s, the White People Hair Decade" means. Were the '80s the decade of white people with hair? People with white hair? Or "white" hairstyles? The decade when white people who currently do not have hair had hair?)
I was going to blog something about that Return to the Batcave thing the other night, but Kevin Parrott beat me to it. Oh yeah, and check out this artist's rendering of the dynamic duo locked in a freedom kiss. I think the lead-up might have been something like:
"Holy Adolescent Sexual Confusion, Batman!"
"Steady, old... chum... merely... satisfying my... Bat-Curiosity..."
(Thanks for the tip, Carol!)
Of course, my theory has always been that Batman had a different boyfriend...
And This One's for the White People Hair Decade
And so it came to pass that the evil Millionaire was vanquished. (Special guest star: J.R. "Bob" Dobbs)
Tony Millionaire drew a comic strip mocking certain negative stereotypes about Native Americans and the people who indulge in those stereotypes, and now somebody's big heap torked off:
Wow thank-you so much for running that cartoon depicting Indians as "Feather loving douche Bags" you really are person of high education and values. If only we could all step back to ignorance like you have, I am sure this world would be a much better place to live. Why did you run this cartoon? I don't know, just realize it just truly shows the type of person it takes to want to print something of this trashy nature in that issue. I wish you the best of luck in the future because I know you are going to need it with your racist views on our multicultural society. Linsey Ernst Employment Counsellor, ACCESS Aboriginal Community Career & Employment Services SocietyYou think that's bad? You should see Ted Rall's strip about "Terror Wigwams"!
Don't forget, today's the direct-to-DVD release date for Inspector Gadget 2, starring Freedom Stewart.
From the Hey, That Sounds Familiar Dept.
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know, during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons, incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... We looked at the receipt." --Bill Hicks, Revelations, 1993
You know why we know [Saddam's] got weapons of mass destruction? 'Cause we kept the receipts!
--Ted Rall, Real Time with Bill Maher, 03/07/2003
Achewood is having its own guest week, March 24-28. On the contributors roster: Sam Henderson (Magic Whistle) rstevens (Diesel Sweeties) John Allison (Scarygoround) Jeff Rowland (wigu) drew (toothpastefordinner) A few more deals are in the works, but these dudes have confirmed. Look forward to a week of truly different but truly on-time strips from more responsible artists than I.Maybe one of them will do a strip where Beef doesn't get shot for once.
Note to Ted Rall: When even Bill Freaking Maher
says he's sick of you bringing everything back to "Bush stole the
election," maybe it's time to get some new material. Or, as your fellow
panelist Larry Miller put it, "Perhaps a hobby would be good." (Is that
comes in, Ted? Expensive hobby. I guess your lawyers are getting all the
money you would have spent on a decent suit. Also, what's with the
Peter Lorre impersonation?) By the way, Maher's idea to put up a Why
They Hate Us Pavilion at the WTC site is great. I know if somebody I loved was horribly murdered, I'd want a big sign at the crime scene that said, "They was askin' for it!"