July 31, 2003

'Tis a pity

Looks like the first month of the Treach-Whore* program has been a qualified success. Big thanks to Anonymous, Missy, K. Thor, Sean, Katie Maybe Katherine, Pete, and Cathy for signing up. That's $7 a month I'm raking in, guaranteed! Minus whatever PayPal takes out! Woo!

If you feel like bossing me around too, just click that old subscription button and I'll write a hundred-odd words about whatever the hell you want.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:04 PM

July 30, 2003

Wait, which one was the straight guy?

On last night's Queer Eye, the straight dude was prettier than any of the gay dudes (prettier than his girlfriend, even), he really liked the pink tuxedo jacket they picked out for him, he put his fingertips to his chest and gasped "Oh my Gawd!" when he saw how they fixed up his bedroom, and I'm pretty sure he was the only one to use the word "fabulous." If the six of them were in a lineup and you had to pick the straight guy, he wouldn't be it, is all I'm saying.

Hey, that might be a fun contest on Banzai. "The Sensational Straight-Man/Sissy-Man Sniffout! Which one make pole for lady? This one? Does he squeeze boobie or bite pillow? This one? He look kind of light in loafers, hmm? Which chap chokes own chicken but nobody else's? Place your bets NOWWWW!!"

Well, looks like I'll be cancelling the cable this week, so I guess now I'll have to start reading books or something.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:48 AM

Does anybody know what this "A-List" business is about?

Apparently I'm on some sort of "A-List." I don't recall ever signing up for such a thing. It's involuntary, then?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:47 AM

Amen. And amen again.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:56 AM

Treach-Whore*: There's probably a pun on "Seipp," but I'm not getting anything

Cathy Seipp wants me to write about: "ME!!!"

Cathy writes for UPI (which has a crappy site that doesn't let you link to her columns), as well as a ton of other places. From what I've been able to gather, she doesn't suffer fools gladly, but in my case she's obviously made an exception because she's always been very kind to me. She was also one of the few people who bought that Cafe Press stuff when I was selling it, I think it was a couple of t-shirts, so I'm grateful for that. Basically, she's a really cool person with a big heart, not to mention a great writer. Don't know how to say it any better than that.

There's simply too much Seipp to be encapsulated in a mere 100 words, so check out this thorough (if haphazard) overview of Cathy's life and career. Fawning praise from her friends, gnashing of teeth from her enemies, that sort of thing.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:32 AM

July 29, 2003

CONGRATULATIONS TONY MILLIONAIRE

congrats_tony.PNG

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:39 PM

It's been like a month since I mentioned it, so...

You got your basic boo-hoo-give-me-money donation buttons on the right side of the page. If you're a regular and you think this silliness is worth a couple bucks, I will not argue. Or if you can't donate or just don't feel like it, no problem. Thanks for reading either way.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:02 PM

Dear Esquire:

Just in case Jayson flakes out on his review for whatever reason, I went ahead and did up a little fill-in for him (see below). Please let me know if you use it so I can pick up a copy when it comes out.

Respectfully,
Jim Treacher

Put 'Em on the Glass [Feel free to change this title, I'm not married to it or anything]

Shattered Glass is a movie about Steven Glass, who was this writer for New Republicans magazine who made up a bunch of characters and events and passed them off as stuff that really existed in real life. Which I'm not sure why that's such a big deal, but whatever. So he did this for a while, and then he got caught, and then nobody heard from him for a few years, and now he's back because he wrote a book that nobody seems to be buying. And now there's a movie about his life. Why not?

In the movie he's played by Hanson Christian, best known for his role on Star Trek. I liked the movie. It was pretty good. They had popcorn at the theater, but they had just run out of the fake butter. Which is the best part! The elderly, white-haired clerk behind the counter was very apologetic as he explained this to me. His wrinkled brow was furrowed with worry and his eyes glimmered with compassion for his disappointed customers. His scuffed and faded nametag read "Leonard." This was in the lobby of the movie theater, before the movie that I really did see.

So anyway, Paul Zahn is also in the movie. He's been in a lot of other movies, like that one with Jack Black, and he's always funny. He's not as funny in this one, probably. Clëö Sëvingëy is in it as the girl, but for once she doesn't give anybody a handjob. [Verify?] Plus, the guy who wrote and directed it is the creator of the '80s TV show Earth 2, so that should give you some idea of what to expect.

What else. I don't remember the name of the theater, but it was sort of old-timey, not like a multiplex or anything. It was a fading symbol of a bygone era. Oh, and when I went up to the box office and paid my money, I said, "Yeah, that's the ticket!" I got a chuckle out of that one.

In summary, Shattered Glass will be swept up... at the Oscars!

[I realize I'm a few hundred words short, but just put whatever you want in there, fiddle with the margins, whatever. The money's going to charity anyway, right?]

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:20 PM

July 28, 2003

What? It's true, and it rhymes.

"...now I'm as flat as a flounder fillet."

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:57 PM

Treach-Whore*: Ponce de Leon was a pussy

Pete wants me to write about: "Old people."

Everybody knows at least one old person. You might be one yourself, or well on your way. When I was little, I used to think old people were really scary and crazy, but then I started to think that maybe they're just terrified of what's happening to them. Oldness happens to everybody eventually, right? It's not fair, but I guess that's how it goes. No matter how bad you fail in life or how many opportunities you miss, you don't get a reset button. Someday you're going to find yourself paying for your cat food and Metamucil with exact change, unable to hear the impatient sighs of the whippersnappers in line behind you because you're trying to save the battery in your hearing aid, and that's if you're lucky.

Now, it's not like you should be required to know who Interpol is, or why anybody cares about Dave Eggers, or else they'll revoke your driver's license. But maybe the young people of today should make friends with the oldies and drive them around so they don't take a leisurely trip through any pedestrians? If you see an elderly person at a stop light, just jump into their car and take the wheel. Say something like, "This is quite a car, 'Jack'!" This will put them at ease because you respect them enough to use their old-people slang. Let me know how it goes!

BOB HOPE R.I.P.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:46 PM

It took a while, but I think we're finally back

"...Now is the time to give it all up. To give up hatred, give up grudges, give up differences, because it's not worth it. To spend our lives disliking someone or something, or have grudges... [when] our own world is so small? If everyone doesn't come to their senses and realize we've got to let all that go, then they're blind. They're as blind as the people who are killing us. I've had my problems with whoever I've had them with, and whoever had their problem with me or Limp Bizkit. [But] I'm a human being, and I'm prepared to step up to that. All of my differences are gone now. I care about you being alive, and I want you to care about me being alive. Who knows what the world has to bring in the future? Right now, it's f---ing unbelievable. It makes me want to cry. I don't know if it's a thing that we'll forget about later, but I'll guarantee you that you don't just raise your flag right now. You don't believe in it right now, ... that's not enough. Everybody does that after each war. For a minute, everybody unites, then it's back to the same old, same old. We can't go back anymore. It's too real. If we decide to bond now, I think we have to do it forever. If we don't do it forever, then we are going to be gone."
-- Fred Durst, 9/29/01


...It was easy to predict a rough reception for the rap-rock has-beens when a significant segment of the crowd booed a mention of the band by previous openers Linkin Park. When Limp Bizkit actually appeared around 7 o'clock, the boos intensified, and some fans pelted the stage with garbage.

The famously brainless Durst only fanned the flames, first encouraging the catcalls and flying trash, then swerving into a bizarre tirade against the crowd and city. Ranting that he'd fight anyone in earshot and spluttering explicit sexual putdowns, uncreative curses and ludicrous homophobic slurs, Durst simply self-destructed. Had the villain in "The Wizard of Oz" been a vile little boob like Durst rather than a snarly old lady in greenface, the movie's "I'm melting!" scene might have looked like this.
-- The Chicago Sun-Times, 7/28/03

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:43 PM

What I think he meant to say was

Achewood
Is
Damn
Sweet

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:12 PM

"Gawker? I never even touched 'er!"

ElizabethSpiers.com is up and running.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:29 AM

July 27, 2003

You'll never blog alone

Michele at A Small Victory just finished up her blogathon, raising money for Magen David Adom. I guess the idea is to post at least once every half-hour for 24 hours. Michele's all like, "Wait, I do that every day anyway. I can post more than once every half-hour, right?" Scroll down and watch her grow gradually saner and saner as it gets closer to the last time she got any sleep. Or, as she put it:

70 posts
24 hours
Over $14,000
3 pots of coffee
500+songs
two packs of cigarettes

One more hour to go.

My vision is blurred.

Did you have fun? I did.

In addition to her posts about various pop-culture stuff from the '60s, '70s, and '80s (as well as slams against the French, just for fun), she's also got some guest-posts, like Roger Simon and Jeff Jarvis talking about 20th Century music, Kevin Parrott talking about 20th Century poop-catching apparel, Ben Weasel providing a quick overview of the last 35 years, and Warren Ellis taking a break from his webcam to explain why Warren Ellis is so great. There's something for everyone, even you! Jim Bob says check it out.

P.S. You can still donate until tomorrow.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:47 PM

July 26, 2003

I'd be willing to go as old as 23

"The Internet reflects the world because, like the world, it's an anonymous, lonely place filled with gossip and half-truths, and the only way to get away from all the depressing news is to find photos of an 18-year-old college girl and masturbate like a lab monkey."
--Jim Norton, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:18 AM

July 25, 2003

Jayson Blair to write movie review of Shattered Glass

So, in the interest of ensuring the most cynical publicity stunt possible... Should he actually see the movie? Would that be more ethical, or less? For that matter, do we know for sure that there actually is a movie?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:32 AM

MoxiePop progress report

You remember, MoxiePop? The one who was falsely accused of identity theft, got into a big blogsquabble, and lost her job over it via anonymous fax? She still doesn't know who did that, but she updated me on her job search. Presented without comment:

Still no job. I got a few offers, but none of them pay more than like $10K *less* than what I was making, so I'm still looking. If it gets to be too long, though, I'm going to have to end up taking one of those. I'm sure moxie.nu can afford not working for a few years, but I sure as hell can't.
Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:45 AM

July 24, 2003

This is an outrage

I think it's absolutely disgusting that they released these photos to the public. Completely irresponsible. Nobody needs to see that.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:28 PM

July 23, 2003

Because Pot Holder™ was demographically unsound or something, I guess

Flak Magazine unflinchingly examines the wasted comedic potential of those Arby's ads with the talking oven mitt. (Whose name is... Oven Mitt™. Not Mitty™, or Dermitt™, or Mitch the Mitt™, or anything that would take half a second to think up. Oven Mitt™. Fuck "Ronald McDonald," they should just start calling him "Red-Headed Pedophile." Wait, Carrot Top might sue, never mind.) I could have sworn it was Jim Belushi doing the voice and not Tom Arnold, but why nitpick? They're both equally talented.

One issue that even Flak was too scared to address: What's up with Arby's implicit endorsement of the sexual practice known as "fisting"?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:27 AM

July 22, 2003

Qusay, Uday Ushingpay Aisiesday?

Yay!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:21 PM

Treach-Whore*: Firsties

Katie Maybe Katherine Hall wants me to write about: "DELAWARE."

Delaware was the first state as far as being one of the United States. Kind of like lunchtime at Pizza Hut, when they have the all-you-can-eat buffet, and there's always one guy who has to jump out of his booth and run up there and push people out of his way, like Pizza Hut is going to run out of pepperoni or something? Or the guy who tailgates you and then zooms by you on the right, all impatient, just so he can be the first one to the red light? "Wow, you did it, dude!" That's Delaware, basically, except in terms of statehood. So congratulations to Delaware on being the very first state. We're all really impressed!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:55 AM

July 21, 2003

Misc.

So Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is just fine, no problem, but Banzai is terrible, simply terrible, and people are protesting it. How about compromising and changing it to Slant Eye for the Moo Goo Gai? Then would you shut up?

***

That one guy on Queer Eye (AKA The Gay-Team, AKA Fag Force Five), the food guy? I think he's my favorite fairy on there. With his black-frame glasses, deep voice, and dry, sardonic wit, he's like a gay Keith Olbermann. If that's not redundant, I don't know. The blonde guy swishes more than a broom factory in a tornado, but he's also the only one that makes me laugh out loud. They just look like they're having fun. How much does it cost to "go gay"?

***

Somebody made a donation and wanted the 100 words thing. The donation is much appreciated, but you have to hit the subscription button for the 100 words. The whole point is to get people to subscribe. I even put that part in boldface. Plus, you need to give me a topic.

***

Seems like a moot point... pretty soon nobody will be able to get on a plane, what with the sky falling and all.

***

Looks like somebody's been reading my fan-fic! That Batman mini-movie is pretty good, but this one is better. (If that first link isn't working, try here or here.)

***

I keep meaning to link to the Acid Keg strip from the week after the one I helped out on. The guest star the following week was Model Michelle. (Her name is Michelle, and she is a model.) It's not up to me to say which one is funnier, but she looks somewhat better without clothing than I do. Or with clothing, for that matter.

***
Well, back to the want ads...

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:45 AM

July 18, 2003

Sam Henderson nominated for Emmy Award

Henderson's one of the funniest cartoonists around, not to mention a really nice guy, and he's up for an Emmy for his work on SpongeBob SquarePants. The show is nominated for Outstanding Animated Program (For Programming Less Than One Hour), and he's on the ballot for writing the "Clams" episode. So fingers crossed on that. I don't know if he gets to go onstage if the show wins, but if so, two words: SOY BOMB.

Congrats to Sam, and be sure to check out his stuff at Serializer.net!

hendersonemmy.PNG

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:41 AM

July 17, 2003

Prevent the big "C" by slapping your pee-pee?

That's what Jeff Jarvis is saying, anyway. Whacking it all the time could keep you from getting prostate cancer. So... the more I jack off, the less likely it is that one day I'll have a man's finger, and possibly various larger objects, crammed up my ass? It's like you just can't win.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:37 AM

July 16, 2003

ATTN: Fans of Jack Black, personal computing, and/or attempted butt-rape employed as a comedic device

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:58 PM

"Agonizing" is a good word for it

"When amateurs create a vibrant network of self-produced content and argument, the messy consensus will nominate new talents, and ahead-of-the-curve managers will have a lucrative season of plucking the underappreciated, underpriced new contributors from poverty and mainstream obscurity. But at a rate that will only seem agonizing for the talent themselves, at least until they are under contract." --Welch
Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:26 AM

Treach-Whore*: You Requested It, You Name It

Sean Collins wants me to write about: "Your favorite band of the moment."

I don't really have one, but I can't stop listening to The American Song-Poem Anthology: Do You Know the Difference Between Big Wood and Brush. (Relax... Amazon gift certificate. Birthday present.) The whole song-poem phenomenon is fascinating to me. Thousands of sad, lonely people desperately crying out to an uncaring world, every once in a while producing timeless art purely by accident. Not that us bloggers would know anything about that. Well, I'd much rather listen to, say, "I Lost My Girl to an Argentinian Cowboy" than read an Atrios post. No offense, Atrios. I mean Eschaton. Whichever.

I'm also liking this here MP3 I'm listening to as I type this. It's a mashup of Gary Numan's "Are 'Friends' Electric?" and Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me," as covered by a British pop group called the Sugababes. I'd never heard of them or the mashup until somebody on the Fametracker boards recommended it, but apparently it was a huge hit last year everywhere but America. (Why They Hate Us: Reason #1,572!) It's right up there with the Nirvana/Destiny's Child and Christina Aguilera/Strokes mashups, if you ask me or even if you don't. So if you want to hear a 15-year-old girl warbling stuff like "Boy, you're moving kind of slow/Gotta keep it up, now, there you go" over ice-cold synths and distorted video-game noises, and I sure do, get one of your friends who doesn't mind breaking the law to download it for you. (And here's a Village Voice article about it by somebody who actually knows what they're talking about.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:56 AM

July 12, 2003

Remember, the Moxie Festival is this weekend. My solution to the Moxie vs. Moxie idiocy was ignored in favor of getting one of the combatants fired from her job, of course, but it sounds like good clean fun anyway. Today's the Recipe Contest!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:53 AM

July 09, 2003

Treach-Whore*: I can't think of a title

K. Thor Jensen wants me to write about: "My webcomic."

So K. Thor (The "K" Stands for "Kwality") has this webcomic called Red Eye, Black Eye. It's about his travels throughout the land called America. He basically had a really really bad Sept. 2001, worse than some other people's even, and so he just said fuck it and got on a bus and had some adventures. And then he drew this comic about it. The way he draws it, everybody has dots for eyes like Dondi. I remember reading it when I subscribed to Serializer.net, before I changed around my PayPal thing so people could give me the money I deserve without being able to track me down and get me fired from my job like some people like to do. Although "Fired from what job?" is the question, and ha ha ha on that. So anyway, K. Thor, he's a good cartoonist, and even if you don't particularly care for the autobiographic novel sort of genre, you would probably like it because it's like a slice of life from the early 21st Century. I don't know. Would maybe a very attractive lady send me naked pictures of herself so that I am not forced to committ suicide? My apologies to K. Thor Jensen, who deserves a better review. Also apologies to Ray Smuckles for completely biting his style.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 05:00 PM

July 06, 2003

And now my e-mail is all messed up

That old lucky streak of mine. If you've sent me an e-mail in the last week or so, looks like it's gone forever.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:12 AM

July 03, 2003

"Swordgasm"

I just thought of that word as I was watching the 47th Highlander movie on USA Network (because it's either that or worry some more about how I'm going to get evicted, for real, so I might as well enjoy some quality cable programming while I still can). The terrible actor who played the Highlander guy on the TV show chopped off the head of the terrible actor who played the Highlander guy in the first 46 movies, I'm not sure why he did that but so what, and then the TV Highlander stood there on some rooftop in Toronto or wherever, shuddering and shaking and going "Unnhhhhh!" with his head thrown back, lightning bolts and sparks shooting all over the place. And then near the end of the movie, when he cut off the head of the bad guy because that's what you do, they even gave him some kind of glowy ILM cumshot going all the way up into the clouds. Therefore, "swordgasm." Also, the new Dell pretty-boy is even more obnoxious than the old one. There, I posted something.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:49 AM

July 01, 2003

Dealing with real-world crap

Back soon.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:03 AM