December 31, 2003

My Resolution

Sometime in the next 365 days, I'll figure out a way to make some money off this blogging crap.

HAPPY ARBITRARY NUMBER-SWITCHING DAY!!!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:12 AM

December 30, 2003

They're Tied

Saddam and Janeane. Right this minute, they're tied for first place in my latest poll. Please write your own joke in the comments.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:54 AM | Comments (11)

December 27, 2003

December 24, 2003

You Can Say That Again

Tim Blair has the year in quotes, month by month. I get the feeling he's been planning this all year. Great stuff, even if you don't know who half the people are because they're damn foreigners.

Whoops, better go buy some presents. Hello Walgreens!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:19 AM

For Matthew

competition.PNG

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:51 AM

December 23, 2003

You Guys Are the Best, I Mean It

Happy Non-Specific Winter Holiday!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:13 AM

December 19, 2003

My Humble Additions to the List of Porn Titles for 2003 Movies

As seen here:

Big Fist
Cold Mountin'
Drill Bill
Fondling Nemo
Gooplex
Lost in Dan's Lotion
The League of Extraordinary Genitals
MELF (Mom Everybody'd Like to Fuck)
Melvin Goes to Rim 'Er
Nad Santa
Once Upon a Time in Meg's A-Hole
Secondhand Loins
Spy Kids 3D: Gay 'Em Over
Tex's Ass-Chains All Masturbated O'er
Under the Tuscan's Buns

And of course: Stuck on You

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:48 PM

[Insert played-out "Queer Eye" pun here]

"Remember: When you're flaying someone alive, always flay with the grain."

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:24 AM

December 18, 2003

Advice from Another Concerned Reader Who Thinks This Blog Is Entertaining and That I Might Be Able to Make Something of It Eventually, But Wants a Better Reason to Give Me Some Damn Money

"Post something every day, even if it sucks."

Consider it done!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:00 PM

December 17, 2003

The Best of Me

It's the time of year for "Best of" lists, so why not a Best of Treacher list? WHY NOT?!? I've gone through my archives for the last 12 months and picked my 10 favorite posts. Well, there were only 8 that stood out, but the other 2 are okay too. Links are below, and you can pick your favorite in the poll in the top-right corner of the main page. Because it's fun to vote for things that don't matter.

January 30
Jimmy Kimmel Drunk*

March 27
Removing Saddam Nonviolently: A Tale

March 29
Garofalo to Be Lowered into Shredder

April 16
25 Onion-Type Headlines, At Least 3 of Which Are Funny

April 21
Fake Anti-War Poster That Apparently Wasn't Ridiculous and Wrongheaded Enough to Be Disqualified from an Anti-War Poster Contest (Until I Posted This)

April 26
First appearance of SEKK-Z

May 7
Getting the Ball Rolling on Indiana Jones 4

May 29
You Already Know The Matrix Reloaded Sucked, But Hey, This Made Me Feel Better

June 23
Dinonerds

November 22 (Quite a gap there, huh?)
Michael Jackson Looks Like Ray Bolger, and I Made Up Some Lyrics About It

If nothing else, at least this proves that over the course of 365 days, I can generate a good 7 minutes' worth of mildly diverting material. Even more if you have a reading disability. Not you personally, more the general "you."

*Last night I watched Kimmel for the first time since I wrote this review, because I heard Zach Galifianakis was his guest host all this week. If Tuesday's show was any indication, things have not improved over the last 11 months. Kimmel still manages to make female guests grit their teeth and shut down completely just by opening his mouth, he still relies on his buddies like Ben Stein to fill the guest chair (and live network airtime), and he's still fascinated with "performers" who aren't So Bad They're Good, but rather So Bad You're an Idiot for Putting Them on Your Already-Awful Show, You Fratfuck Moron. His "Talent of the Future" segment should be called "Guess That Neurological Disorder." Maybe Kimmel and Stern could have a Tard-Off.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:34 PM

Reader Mail

Subject: It must be maddening

It is at least amuzing to see the effect some modest success (and that's all is is so far) driving the left into such a spin. Imagine if OBL is caught and some form of democracry (on the Turkish model perhaps) were to start in Iraq in 12-18 months.

You'll such just be much too funny to bear.....unlike now where you're attempts at humour are sadly lacking. It's Ok though, you can cry yourself to sleep at night knowing you're in the right. It's better than a mass grave and after all, people fought and died so you could be this clever.

Best of luck....it seems you'll have 5 more years of yucks to fire-off then maybe St. Hillary can save you

Dear Reader:

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:44 PM

At least Hitler could paint!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:04 AM

December 16, 2003

This week's 24

Did I call it or what? This show is a masterpiece of deadpan comedy.

And the Fox promo dept. strikes again. Next episode: [spoiler]Nina returns! They even show part of her face in the promo. Why not?[/spoiler]

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:24 PM

In the interest of equal time, because above all else, humor must be fair (and balanced!)

Since Saddam's capture, White House officials have avoided public gloating...

Yeah, they've got Fox News for that! Seriously, Brit Hume was so overjoyed, he almost moved his face. I haven't seen Bill O'Reilly this giddy since Krystallnacht. Ohhhhhh! Hey, Hannity, is that a roll of Life Savers in your pocket, or did they just catch the guy who didn't have anything to do with 9/11? Shepard Smith hasn't drooled this much since that one time his CPU crashed on the air. Laurie Dhue smacked her lips so hard... er... she's got big lips for a Fox News babe, right? Um... So hard it blew out the burning cross in the lobby? I don't know.

Hey, they can't all be gems. I've got a quota to fill, apparently.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:48 PM

December 15, 2003

Hope This Helps

who_cares.jpeg

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:06 PM

Meanwhile...

Kobe and Michael are like, "Whew!"

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:01 PM

December 14, 2003

Well, that's enough of that

One day every six months seems just about right. Back to the backyard for Puce. Anybody know who I should call to build me a spider hole out there? Maybe that'll keep him out of the house...

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:03 PM

YOU THINKYOR SOOOOO GRATE?

Take that DUMBERICANS CLICK CLICK

Posted by at 03:32 PM

NO PRUF UNITE STATE FATTYS

Posted by at 02:45 PM

NO SERCH WARENT?????

Posted by at 01:36 PM

the ansor 'yes'!

Saadm one teh Irak elecshin fare as sqaur, PUT HIM BAKC IN OFICE YOUFUCKS CLICK

Posted by at 01:11 PM

trators

Ingratful basturds! Whatdid he evar do to YOU? CLICK

Posted by at 12:50 PM

thats not saddem (grisly adams acter)

redy to sorendor yet, USAsholes? GIVEUP!!!

Posted by at 12:42 PM

echstain explanes

YOUR STIL WRONG CLICK

Posted by at 12:25 PM

Lets we froget

THanks Cofi anan!

Posted by at 12:12 PM

ATENSHIN FAT YANKS

many many reson why catpuring Sadim doesnt mater, isnt rely sadam, no WMD in shirtpocketts, ect. Canyou handel TRUE? CLICK

Posted by at 12:10 PM

cogratinashins, flabamericas!!!

YOU DIDIT! Cebrate with piza exrta cheese!!!!!!

now stick stick as sadam mouth, CHOKE? 'i choke sadam ha ha' GOO JOB MERDURURS

WHynot comb his hare cut beerd aply Greashin Fromular make Sadam atractiv for world adianse? CREUL FASHISTS

Posted by at 11:14 AM

Ass, Hole

Cool. I honestly thought Saddam was dead. Glad I was wrong. It's too bad they couldn't have followed my plan for bringing him out of his hole in the ground, but oh well.

And check out the pictures. He looks a little embarrassed, doesn't he? "Oh dear, is the visible portion of my face red!" Oh oh oh, how about this: Looks like he could really use a BATH PARTY! Get it?

Well, one-time fan-fave Puce is here, bugging me to let him post something (I keep him chained up in the backyard, but he keeps picking the locks), and I'm not big on posting on Sundays anyway, so I think I'll turn things over to him. My apologies in advance, folks.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:00 AM | Comments (9)

December 13, 2003

My Cynical Attempt to Draw Some Traffic by Leaping into a Hot-Button Topic with My Unfocused Half-Opinions

The new Battlestar Galactica is terrific.

A very nice Sci-Fi-Channel-having friend loaned me a tape, and I just finished watching it for the second time. I loved it. They took the basic plot, stripped away most of the the '70s sci-fi TV trappings ("There are only 2 other networks, boys, so what else are those rubes gonna watch tonight?"), and turned it into a stark, complicated, deeply weird, often bone-chilling military drama set in space.

A lot of the online hollering has been that it's too dark, too grim. "This is Battlestar Galactica, it's supposed to be fun!" Did you know that the original series was about billions of people being murdered and the few thousand survivors running for their lives? Yeah, Starbuck was a charming rogue, and the costumes were cool, and the blasters made awesome noises that you could imitate as you were running around at recess, but it started off with an act of genocide that dwarfs anything in human history. So if this new version wants to try to reflect how actual human beings might react to a worse atrocity than any of them could have ever imagined, I think that's okay.

Yeah, some of it was manipulative. These guys knew what they were doing when they put the new Colonial President (43rd in line of succession!) on a space shuttle between planets when news of the Cylon attacks came. Looked pretty much like a commercial airplane. Isn't that about the last place you'd want to get bad news, on a plane? And when Madame President has to pull herself together and figure out how to deal with the crisis, butting heads with the gung-ho Commander Adama and his second-in-command Col. Tighe (my favorite character, and not just because he's an unapologetic drunkard), debating whether to fight or run, it's every single debate of the last couple years rolled into one. But it made me think. What would you do in that situation? Do you really think you know? I sure as hell don't.

There are no easy answers. Not everybody is admirable. Not everybody makes the right decisions under pressure.

And not everything works. The producers chose to put all the civilian characters in suits and ties, polo shirts, and such, and everybody has first names like Paul and Kara and Billy. They use current American colloquialisms, and there's little of that "centon" jabber from the original series. Which is fine, but it makes it all the more disorienting when they blurt out things like "Frak me!" and "Thank the Lords of Kobol!" Sort of a disconnect there.

And about those Lords of Kobol. They didn't really delve into it, but these Kobol guys wrote the "ancient scrolls," which seem to be some sort of combination Bible/Constitution that these people follow. No separation of church and state in the Galactica universe, eh? I'm told the original series was all about Mormonism, but I don't know anything about that. Oh, and the Cylons believe in God too. In fact, they believe they're the only living beings with souls, and that God told them to wipe out their enemies. Yeah, like anybody would actually fall for that one... Oh. Right. Forgot.

So go ahead and yell at me if you want, but I thought it was great. There was an incredible attention to detail, good acting (with the exception of the block-of-wood Brit with the shaky, Tom Cruise-ish American accent who played Apollo), lots of little nuances in the dialogue, moral dilemmas at every turn, eerie reflections of The Way We Live Now, unexpected flashes of humor... and of course, incredible space battles, hot babes getting naked, fistfights, and plenty of other stuff to keep you from getting bored. Bring on the series.

P.S. Everything I just said is invalid because they made Starbuck a chick.
P.P.S. Not to mention: "This has to be one of the worst Sci-Fi productions in history."

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:42 AM | Comments (13)

December 12, 2003

Treach-Whore*: Click the Asterisk If You Don't Know About the Groundbreaking and Not Even Remotely Successful "Treach-Whore" Program, Which I'd Actually Forgotten About Myself

Peter J. MacDonald wants me to write about: "The Genius of Andrea Martin."http://www.jimtreacher.com/MT/mt.cgi?__mode=view&_type=entry&id=677&blog_id=2
Next»

There are many aspects to The Genius of Andrea Martin. (Andrea Martin played the differently-attractive lady on SCTV, which I sort of remember from my childhood.) One aspect to The Genius of Andrea Martin is that it is brilliant. For example, her character The Old Woman Who Wears a Hat and Yells a Lot was very geniuslike in its geniusness. Another aspect to The Genius of Andrea Martin is that it is unobtrusive. Unlike The Genius of, Say, Eugene Levy, which appears in many many high-profile movies to the delight of millions, The Genius of Andrea Martin is content with entertaining the close friends and immediate family of Andrea Martin. In summary, The Genius of Andrea Martin is awesome!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:04 PM

"I Keep Gettin' Older, But They Stay the Same Age..."

Fametracker's The Man from F.U.N.K.L.E. has made me laugh many times over the years, but never like this: The Jack-O-Matic. (As in "mocking the steady decline of Jack Nicholson," not "the present I can't afford to give Grandpa this year.")

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:48 AM

'Tis the Season to Be Blegging

Haven't done it in quite a while, and I doubt it'll have much effect, but why not:

PLEASE! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME MONEY! DON'T YOU PEOPLE CARE? DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO HAVE TO GIVE MY WHOLE FAMILY A BOX OF RAISINETS FOR CHRISTMAS?!? LOOK AT LITTLE JANIE THERE, MY YOUNGEST! SHE'S CRYING! SHE'S CRYING BECAUSE DADDY CAN'T LEARN NOT TO DRINK OPENLY AT WORK AND NOW SHE ISN'T GETTING A DOLLY! PAYPAL OR AMAZON, IT DOESN'T MATTER, JUST GIVE ME SOME DAMN MONEY! WAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Ahem. Okay, it's out of my system now.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:59 AM

Your Moxie Report for December 2003

I'm on board with MoxiePop's anti-PC rant, particularly the part about the phrase "people of color." All of the archives on my old blog disappeared when my stalker hijacked it, but I remember making fun of a review of Jackass: The Movie that complained about those idiots running around doing stupid crap in places like Mexico and Japan. Oh, it was an outrage, a terrible insult to the "people of color" there! Except, when Johnny Knoxville goes to Japan... <totally deep rhetorical question that makes you, like, question your own preconceptions>isn't he the "person of color"?</totally deep rhetorical question that makes you, like, question your own preconceptions>

The Orlando Bloom thing she mentions is strictly optional. Does he do anything in those movies besides glare off into the distance and whisper, "I sense danger?" He shoots guys with arrows, okay, I guess he does that.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:09 AM

December 10, 2003

Sure, Harry Knowles is the easiest target since William Burroughs' wife, but it's still fun to watch him take one in the face. (Not exactly work-safe!)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:44 PM

I Think the Show Is Named for the Number of Brain Cells He Has Left

From: Jack.Bauer@ctu.gov
To: Tony.Almeida@ctu.gov
Subject: Elphay ithway Alazarsay Oblempray?

Tony -

Any thoughts on the whole Ramon Salazar problem? We need to get him out of prison, and I need to work my way back into his organization. I've got his brother Hector convinced I'm on the take, but what's the next step? I'm stumped, amigo.

Jack

***

From: Tony.Almeida@ctu.gov
To: Jack.Bauer@ctu.gov
Subject: Re: Elphay ithway Alazarsay Oblempray?

Jack -

Sorry, I've got this really bad case of the flu, and it's like my brainpan is packed with the dense, moist adobe used by my proud ancestors. Amazing what a tiny little virus can do to a person. Can I get back to you on that one when I have una cabeza clara?

Tony

***

From: Jack.Bauer@ctu.gov
To: Tony.Almeida@ctu.gov
Subject: Re: Elphay ithway Alazarsay Oblempray?

Virus? That's it! Tony, you're a genius. Here's what we'll do:

1. Infect one of Salazar's street dealers with a deadly virus. Like, really deadly. Really really deadly. I think I know the guy we should use, too. Nobody'll miss him.

2. Dump his corpse in front of CDC headquarters or whatever it's called. (Maybe set off a small bomb, just in case nobody notices the pustulant corpse blocking the door?)

3. Have somebody call CTU with a bio-terror threat. "See what happened to that guy? Release Salazar or we release this virus." Something along those lines. You think Gael would be up for making the call? He's Mexican or something, right? What are you guys, Mexican? Puerto Rican? Whatever, he'd be able to pull off the accent. Come to think of it, let's have Gael pretend to switch sides along with me, and then he can report to Hector from inside CTU. Gael's pretty shifty, even for your kind. (No offense.) He'll be perfect.

4. I think I can get Hector to move some product into the country with the virus in it. Wait, no, that's nuts. Think, Jack, think! Okay, how about this: We'll make it look like the corpse got it from virus-laced heroin, and then make it look like some unsuspecting mule is bringing more of the same into the country. Get some dumb kid to do it, we can let Hector pick one. Trick the kid into thinking he's infected, maybe? No reason, just, you know. Might be funny.

5. When we tell President Palmer about the "virus threat" and he says he won't negotiate with terrorists, which is what he'll say because, well, he's President Palmer, I'll offer to... to... God, it's hot in here... so anyway, I... oh, Jesus... nnnnnnghhh... hold on, Tony, I need to go take care of someth


***

From: Tony.Almeida@ctu.gov
To: Jack.Bauer@ctu.gov
Subject: Re: Elphay ithway Alazarsay Oblempray?

Wow.

So. Heroin, was it?


(Just kidding, guys!)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:36 PM | Comments (5)

December 09, 2003

I was trying to think of a way to compare and contrast The Hebrew Hammer (sort of like if the younger, funny Mel Brooks had mated with every Blaxploitation flick ever made, and 30 years later their baby got a lot of laughs, both good-natured and sort-of-uneasy-natured, out of stereotypes about Jews, Christians, people with dark skin, and whatnot) with this Syrian-produced piece of miserable fucking blood libel, which depicts a group of Jews slitting a Christian boy's throat and using his blood in their matzoh recipe. But I'm too disgusted to even try. I'd read about this sort of anti-Semitic propaganda before, but I'd never actually seen it until about 10 minutes ago. You know what? I don't give a shit Why They Hate Us, okay? Go tell somebody else.

The Hebrew Hammer, on the other hand, is kind of great. Loses steam about halfway through, but by the end I had laughed out loud at least 8 times. (Hey, one for each day!) Even Andy Dick isn't entirely intolerable. Yes, it's that good.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:04 PM

Ho Ho Do the Math

GUITAR HARMONIES + CHILDREN'S CHOIR = BEST CHRISTMAS EVER

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:20 PM

I'm Very Disappointed in You

Yes, you. Don't look around, all like, "Who, me?" I'm talking to you. Why didn't you tell me about Sour Bob before? Why didn't you grab me by the lapels and bark, "Jim, for the love of Ted Neeley! Take a break from hitting Refresh on the same old handful of blogs, dummy. You already know what they're going to say, don't you? Or they're just posting something because they're awake. Fuck that shit. Go check out Sour Bob. Read the archives. Do it, you idiot." But no. I bet you'd let me walk around with a stalk of broccoli sticking out of my teeth too, huh? Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot, friend.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:24 AM

December 06, 2003

You Can Stop Holding Your Breath Now

Here are my votes in the Wizbang 2003 Let's Bring Out the Worst in Everybody Awards. Not that these are the ones I think are going to win, necessarily, but they would if I had veto powers.

Best Overall Blog: A Small Victory

Instapundit is the only one I can picture wearing overalls, ha ha. But Michele links to me more often, so she gets my vote.

Best New Blog (Established in 2003): Ilyka Damen

She's nice to me, which, again, is the best reason to vote for anybody in anything.

Best Group Blog: No vote

Don't read any of 'em.

Best Foreign Blog: Tim Blair

Usually I don't like to encourage blatant foreignness, but in Tim's case I'll make an exception. That Merde in France guy is a hoot, though.

Best Humor Blog: Girls Are Pretty

I didn't find out about these awards until it was too late to nominate myself so I could get clobbered. So, that's the only blog on the list that has ever made me laugh out loud.

Best Looking Blog: Inside Gretchen's Head

Only one I've heard of.

Best Female Authored Blog: Sugarmama

My personal favorite wasn't on the list because technically she's a he, so I went with Sugarmama. Here's why. (Hey, I didn't make up the category.)

Best Liberal Blog: Michael J. Totten

Because "liberal" need not mean "screechy."

Best Conservative Blog: Instapundit

The only one I read regularly.

Best Media/Journalist Blog: Buzzmachine

This was by far the toughest pick, but Jeff Jarvis is tops.

The Rest of Them: Bored now, and nobody cares anyway.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:12 AM