February 28, 2004

"Now, which one of them does God love more?"

Isn't that what you asked yourself when you fast-forwarded through the Tonight Show you Tivo'd from the other night to get to the Prince part, and you saw him sitting next to Mel Gibson's dad, and then you realized that wasn't Mel Gibson's dad, that was Mel Gibson, and then you realized Gibson's only 3 years older than Prince? Isn't it? You're incorrigible. Well, no doubt it's more of a victory of science than religion, but Ol' Purple must be doing something right.

Too bad about that new song, though.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:32 AM

February 27, 2004

Misc.

Are you a Creationist? Sick of all those smug science-huggers laughing at you? Well, tell 'em to check this shit out. They'll be all like, "I now realize that my beliefs are not only misguided, but the work of the Devil," and you'll be all like, "In your face, evolution bitches!"

***

Speaking of credulous peasants, interesting tidbit from a Times Online story about morons who throw their money at frauds like Deepak Chopra:

Demi Moore hopes to live to a great age through his teachings. “Even 130 years isn’t impossible,” she says.

Dude, you're clearly terrified of getting old now. Do you really want 90 more years of misery? Although I guess by the time you hit 130, you won't look a day over 122. (Via the Advice Goddess, who I wish I could see in her new 1-minute spots on the Biography Channel.)

***

Items of clothing once worn by genderless wraith Clay Aiken soon will be on display in a museum. Is this acceptable?

***

And is it just me, or does Lindsay Lohan look like Frankie Muniz in a fright wig? And, well, with boobs?

***

I sure am glad the Seinfeld cast has come to an agreement over the royalties for DVDs of the show. It's like a weight has been lifted. Now we'll be able to watch it anytime we want, instead of having to wait 20 minutes for a rerun. And it's a victory for the forces of good, too! Jason Alexander explains:

"Well, the character of George is not a millstone around my neck but I had to turn to my former bosses and say, 'I'm not invested in the longevity of the show. The longevity of the show actually is a detriment to me right now. It keeps me from getting certain kind of work. You have not made me a participant in the life of this show, therefore I am not inclined to give you these services.'

"It took a while for them to understand. Frankly, I think they were well prepared to proceed without our services until the audience said, 'Don't do that.'

"I said to Jerry when he made the decision years ago to not let us in, 'The day will come when you regret this decision, only because it's going to put us in a position eventually of seemingly tainting the wonderful impression of what this was for the four of us.

"You have created a rift between you and the three of us, and while we are in no way, shape or form looking for parity with you, you have created a chasm that is also inappropriate,'" Alexander recalled.

Translation: "We live in a society!!!"

***

Did you know that an anagram for "Mel Gibson" is "Big Melons"? Also "Noble Gism" and "Bong Smile." But more to the point: "Glib Omens."

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:55 PM

P.S.

I wrote the previous entry before I saw this, honest.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:39 AM

'Cause We're. Goin' to the Chapel, and It's. Really Not Like That.

As we Americans* know, it's our God-given right to be provided with a steady stream of fake controversies to freak out about. And boy oh boy, there's never been a better time to convince yourself you're outraged. You've got the Janet's Thumbtacked Flapjack Scandal, the Crazy Guy from OutKast Onstage at the Grammies Dressed Like an Irish Tonto Debacle, the Shock Jock Who's Actually Kind of Boring and, Uh, Whatever It Was He Did the Other Day Fiasco, the Lethal Weapon 5: Christ Almighty Hubbub, and however many earth-shattering controversies have broken out between the time I typed this and the time I clicked Save.

But right now I want to talk to you about the most important issue of our lifetime this week: same-sex marriage. It's literally tearing this country apart, assuming you're confused about the definition of the word "literally." Well, I'm nothing if not a problem-solver, and the solution to this divisive issue came to me in a flash of what can only be described as genius. It's a little tactic borrowed from our armed forces:

Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

That's right! If two guys or two gals want to get hitched, no problem, as long as there's none of that fruity stuff in public. Instead of a kiss to seal the bond of holy matrimony, the guys can exchange a firm handshake. (Or if they're really feeling the moment, maybe one of those hugs where you slap the other guy's back a couple times so he knows you're not a homo.) Chicks, I guess they could make out a little after they say "I do," but only if they don't look too Rosie-ish. And then, whatever they want to do to each other in private from then on, fine, but making normal people uncomfortable with any PDAs (Public Displays of Affection, or Pretty Demonstrative Assplay) is strictly out of the question. Okay? That's a deal-breaker.

Although when you really think about it, why is everybody assuming that a same-sex marriage is automatically gay? What if two dudes are just really good friends and like hanging out? I mean, spending time with each other? Have you ever actually seen them doing it? Huh? Then you don't know! Two guys can be roommates and that doesn't mean they're gay, right? So why can't they tie the knot? Maybe it's just for tax purposes or something, gutter-brain. Try not to jump to conclusions next time.

Hetero same-sex weddings would save a lot of headaches, too. Guys could wear khakis to the ceremony and have the reception at Hooters; girls could frill it up as much as they wanted, and both sets of parents could split the costs 50/50. And in the long term, taking the whole "expecting sex" thing off the table would add years to a lot of marriages. It just makes good sense.

So there you go. Oh, and... America? You're welcome.

*If you're reading this from some other country, I'm really sorry to hear that.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:31 AM

February 18, 2004

Once More, With Stuffing

Remember when you first heard that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was going to do a musical episode? And you were ready for it to suck real hard? There was just no way. But then you watched it, and you had to admit that somehow they turned the gimmick into something wonderful, while at the same time forwarding the ongoing plotlines, resolving a longstanding issue or two, and making you see the characters in a way you'd never seen them before? With some catchy tunes and laughs and genuinely chilling moments to boot? I can't believe they did it again with the dreaded "puppet episode" of Angel. Damn, that was scary good. It was like a comedy version of Greg the Bunny. You've come a long way, Ben Edlund.

Way to go, The WB! Good thing you're canceling this show before it infects the rest of your lineup with quality. I can't wait to see Down Syndrome Knife-Fight 2 Night, or whatever you decide to call the soul-draining reality show you'll probably vomit onto the Wednesday night lineup.

Oh, and as long as we're talking about puppets, I'm guessing there were more laughs in that 42-minute Angel episode than in Ed the Sock's entire career. Has that guy started bitching about Joss Whedon ripping him off yet?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:43 PM

February 17, 2004

By posting this, I just doubled his audience

ed.PNG You keep hearing about how Triumph is supposedly a ripoff of Ed the Sock from Canadian TV. Well, check out this episode of Ed's Night Party and judge for yourself. Apparently it's for people who feel threatened by the understated wit of The Man Show. The two major differences between Triumph and Ed are that the cigar is permanently attached to Ed's face, and he doesn't bother the audience with jokes. And don't miss Ed's hard-hitting interview with Hillary Duff. There hasn't been this much squirming from a minor since Macauley's birthday bash at Neverland.

P.S. That's another BitTorrent link, about 160MB. If you can't get it to work, can't help you. I'm just linking to it.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:43 AM

February 16, 2004

To save time and effort in the future, my proposed shorthand for "That deal where some Canadians went nuts because a fake dog who insults people said mean things about Quebec and its residents"

Slobbergate.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:57 PM

February 14, 2004

The Treacher A/V Club

If you've got BitTorrent and you haven't seen the act of faux-canine defecation that reduced Quebec to bitter tears of rage, check it out. Vive le poop!

Also, I like The Eagles of Death Metal. They don't sound like The Eagles or death metal, so that's two points for them right there. Plus, it's got a guy from a famous band playing an instrument he usually doesn't play in that band. (Not Dave Grohl, but you're close.) Check out their song "I Only Want You" here, and they've got a whole live album posted here.

Also also, Fluxblog always has interesting music. I keep meaning to link to that.

Also also also, if you're a fan of the show Angel and you don't want the WB to cancel it like they just said they're going to do after this season, go here for your instructions. It'll do as much good as every other fan petition, but it makes people feel better.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:37 AM

letsnot.jpg

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:31 AM

February 13, 2004

I just had a few questions

What if Jack Lord had played Captain Kirk?

If a mediocre rapper mumbles over samples from one of the greatest albums ever recorded, and somebody gives it away for free, how do I get my refund?

Why is it that people who encourage you to seek therapy tend to be people for whom therapy has very clearly failed?

How come Canadians get so upset when people from important countries pay attention to them?

Does anybody reading this get the Biography Channel?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:24 AM

February 12, 2004

If you tried to install the CDisplay funnybook viewer I was telling you about and it didn't work, the lovely and talented Dirk Deppey tells me that there's a Mac version called Comical. Neither of us has tried it, but it might be worth a shot if the other version makes your computer sad.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:44 AM

February 10, 2004

Poorest Geek Ever

Thanks to my inside connections (a close personal friend with a VCR who can afford cable), I finally got to see an episode of Best Week Ever on VH1. Some thoughts:

  • Rachael Harris could not be any cuter. This is cold, hard fact. Coming up with a cuter entity is scientifically impossible. You could inject her with the essences of every adorable thing in your lifetime, from Strawberry Shortcake all the way through Boohbah (Olsen Twins inclusive), and you couldn't make her any cuter than she already is. She is the Cutiepitome. Also: Sex.

  • The Modern Humorist guys are almost as funny on TV as they were on the Internet. Take that however you want to take it.

  • Mo Rocca is pretty much stuck, huh? Good luck, Mo Rocca. Good luck to you.

  • As Whatevs points out, there's this new show about all the pop-cult shit that happened in the previous week, and not one word about Janet Jackson's floppy-ass titty? What? Oh. Right. Viacom. Never mind.

  • Dear Kennedy:

    Thank you for getting somebody to take your shift at Sunglass Hut. We appreciate the effort, but we won't be needing your services anymore.

    Signed,
    America

Posted by Jim Treacher at 05:02 PM | Comments (11)

Recycling is gay

For the 5-6 of you who want to read that retarded World's Finest story I relettered to make Superman and Batman even more openly gay, but who don't feel like printing it out and folding it up and so forth, it's now available in the kick-ass CDisplay format. Get the CDisplay freeware here. It's like 1.4MB or something, and it's really the best way to read comic books you haven't paid for.

Update: Whoops! I didn't realize CDisplay is PC-only. Well, crap. Sorry about that. Back to the ol' drawing board...

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:21 PM | Comments (3)

I didn't realize I had that kind of time

This sentence jumped out at me from Jeff Jarvis's love letter to Technorati:

They define churn as no posting in three months; 35 percent of weblogs starve and die thusly.


Three months. Whew! What's the saying? "Write better than anybody who can write faster, write faster than anybody who can write better, or start a blog and do whatever you want, who's gonna give a damn."

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:23 PM

February 09, 2004

He or she who smelt it dealt it

wasntme.PNG

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:11 AM

February 06, 2004

Be sure to check out the interview with Amy "Advice Goddess" Alkon in this month's Ventura County Reporter. She's managed to harness the power of her own personal weirdness and direct it toward paying bills on a regular basis, which is something most of us* can only dream about.

Plus, she's really hot.

*Well, me.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:21 AM

February 05, 2004

How long is the list of things you should be more freaked out about than your kid maybe seeing Janet Jackson's boob for 3 seconds?

I mean, come on

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:27 PM

Howard Dean's house of Ethernet cards sure has collapsed, huh?

(I don't really have anything to say about it beyond the headline. "House of Ethernet cards" seemed just barely clever enough to post.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:58 PM

February 04, 2004

And furthermore

Don't you hate it when a blogger posts something just for the sake of posting something? Nattering on about nothing in particular, out of some misguided sense of duty to his fickle, non-paying readers? Readers who are probably more annoyed by clicking over from http://blo.gs and finding a big pile of nothing than they'd be if the blogger just spent a few days of his one and only life on this earth doing something other than staring at a computer?

You do? You hate it? Well, I think it's great. Fuck you.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:12 AM

February 02, 2004

Ads Up

Tim Blair is now selling BlogAds. So am I, if you haven't noticed. So buy some ads, you bastards. (Salesman of the Month)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:02 AM

Young Tom Shales must have been teacher's little angel

"...and there was a woman's you-know-what! You could see it and everything! And the horsey made a farty and there was a talking monkey and it said bad things! I'M TELLING!!!"

One thing I think we can all agree on, though, is that Mike Ditka should not be selling dong pills. Try out this sentence, Levitra customers: "Ditka gave me a boner." Go ahead, just say it out loud. Straight, gay, or otherwise, I defy you to maintain tumescence with that sentence in your head, no matter how many wang tablets you pop.

P.S. Take that, Janet!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:45 AM

February 01, 2004

Heh...

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:46 AM