June 30, 2004

I was going to write a review of Fahrenheit 9/11, but I got stuck deciding between "fact-raping planetoid" and "gravy-retaining blamethrower" and never finished

So I think I'll review Spidey 2 instead. Just need to put the finishing touches on my body paint, and then it's off to the multiplex. Excelsior!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:29 PM

June 27, 2004

Face-F*ck, True Believer!

holypenis.PNGUsually when Boing Boing links to something and says it's funny, I will find it only mildly unfunny. If they say it's hilarious, it will actually make me upset with its anti-laffs. But Xeni has broken the streak by recommending these Spider-Man newspaper strips with plenty of homophobic and similarly chortle-inducing wordhurt pasted into them. (An artform near and dear to my heart, sadly.) Keep refreshing the page, there's like 20 strips.

The guy who did them is named Jay Pinkerton, and he has a funny blog here. It's the kind of blog where I had originally set aside today to start getting my life back together, but now I've decided to read through his archives instead. In other words, it's another convenient excuse to avoid doing anything worthwhile with the precious time you've been given. Which you know about, because you're reading this. But it's also good too as well.

*Everybody knows you go to aitch-ee-double-toothpick if you cuss on a Sunday.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:33 AM

June 25, 2004

So it's a big deal to have a Gmail address, then?

Huh.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:33 AM

In lieu of providing new free content...

...I have gone back through my archives for the past year and retroactively decided that some of it was supposed to be funny. See the new category here, if you think you can handle the multiple sledgehammer blows to your funny bone (penis). Thirty-nine entries made the cut over the past year, so that's an average of, let's see... yep, .75 chuckles per week. Still better than Quintuplets!

I couldn't really think of a category title I liked, so I just picked one and started adding stuff to it. But then I thought to do a Google check, and it turns out somebody else is already using it. I'm too lazy to change it right now, so my apologies to Caerdroia.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:38 AM

June 23, 2004

If, if, if

IF I had my own band, it would be named The Dracutards and we would have black satin capes and thick glasses and happy smiles with crooked fangs.

IF I hosted a reality show, it would be called Who Wants to Fellate a One-Armed Hobo?

IF I were a cartoon character, my best friend would be Sir Reginald Crazington III and he would have a monocle and a Napoleon hat and we would solve mysteries.

IF forced to have a same-sex liaison with any celebrity, living or dead, or else my whole family would be murdered, I would choose Greg Evigan.

IF I got to pick one food of which I could eat an unlimited quantity without gaining any weight, it would be scientifically impossible.

IF you're still reading this, I'm very sorry.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:30 AM

June 22, 2004

Dear Douglas Wolk:

A review written all in rhyme might seem really clever, but after the second paragraph, your head I'd like to sever.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:46 PM

June 21, 2004

Posting may be even more sporadic than it has been lately

I just installed my birthday present, so I'll see ya when I see ya! Or, you'll see new stuff on this page when I update it, is what I mean.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:33 PM

June 16, 2004

An apology, and a humble attempt at atonement

In my previous post, I claimed that Micah Wright had altered, nay, deleted a thread on his Delphi forum that I've been linking to for several days now. That was uncharitable of me. Any number of things could have happened to that thread. Technical difficulties... a slip of the keyboard... sabotage by insidious right-wing killbloggers... Who can say? Hell, at this point it looks like his whole forum is down, so obviously something catastrophic has happened. But I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions about it, and for that I apologize.

By way of reconciliation, I present this restored copy of the thread in question, which some enterprising historian has had the forethought to save: Page 1 and Page 2. What was lost is now found! (Or 29 out of the 35 posts in that thread are, anyway.)

Consider this my gift to you, Micah. No need to thank me.

Correction: The forum is fine, apparently. Only that particular thread was affected... curious. Well, my mistake!

Addendum: And here's the very last post to that Delphi thread. The mysterious accident that caused the whole thread to disappear must have occurred right after this was posted. Weird!

Another addendum: I'm informed, by Micah Wright and others, that posting reader mail on your Web page is a no-no. To which I say: oh, really?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:48 PM

June 15, 2004

A Munt For All Seasons

From Micah Wright's latest dissertation on the subject of my meanness:

I emailed Treacher and asked him to knock it off... he was a munt in response and then posted my email to his blog.

Update: Now the title of the Micah Wright Forum thread I've been linking to for the last few days (see above) has been changed from "Treacher and Parrott are the same guy," or whatever the exact wording was, to "Welcome All Warblog Readers!" And everything in the thread but Wright's first post, which he's now entirely rewritten, has been deleted. How uncharacteristic of him to try to cover his tracks after I've linked to him... At least his original first post, with his hilarious joke that he was obviously just kidding about, has been archived here. (Oh! And now you can check out the whole thing here and here.)

Well, he's definitely not going to like this, then, but I'm left with no choice other than to defend myself using the facts at hand. Please enjoy the following e-mail exchange between us, and judge our relative muntness for yourself. Note the From: and To: lines, dates and times, etc. Okay? Okay...

Subject: Micah Wright
Date: 5/10/2004 10:56:05 AM
From: [Micah Wright]
To: [Jim Treacher]

Hi,

People keep sending me to your page saying "go see this guy's blog, it's like he's stalking you or something" and I have to say, that yeah, it's a little disturbing how fixated on my life and lies you are. I've seen you on tons blogs ranting and raving about me, delphi, newsarama, comiccon boards, just about anywhere and everywhere that people are talking shit about me, you're there, running me down.

I'm a liar. I admitted that publicly. I made a public apology. I'm sorry that I ever lied about any of this, that includes an apology to people to whom I lied indirectly, such as yourself. I'm sorry.

But c'mon... don't you think you're pushing this non-event a little much? I'm not some huge famous guy, I'm a comic book writer, for christ's sakes. I don't even get the feeling that you READ comic books.

I'm sorry that I lied. I've apologized to Kevin Parrott for mixing it up with him and insulting him and lying to him. I've never even heard of you, before, but part of your obsession seems based around hurt I've done to Kevin. Accept my apology and please move on with your own life... what you're dishing out certainly isn't a healthy amount of attention for anyone to give a complete and utter stranger.

yours,
Micah

p.s. http://jimtreacher.com/ranger.htm
Oh, and could you take my work off your website? That apology is up on my own site. I'm not trying to "hide" or "obscure" it, either, contrary to what you've been claiming for the better part of a week. There's no big story here.
http://www.micahwright.com/ranger-1.htm

***

Subject: Re: Micah Wright
Date: 5/11/2004 7:55:28 AM
From: [Jim Treacher]
To: [Micah Wright]

"People keep sending me to your page saying 'go see this guy's blog, it's like he's stalking you or something' and I have to say, that yeah, it's a little disturbing how fixated on my life and lies you are. I've seen you on tons blogs ranting and raving about me, delphi, newsarama, comiccon boards, just about anywhere and everywhere that people are talking shit about me, you're there, running me down."

You'll have to excuse me for not paying much attention past this point. If you're trying to ask me for any favors, this might not be the tone you want to establish. Feel free to try again, if you think it's a good use of your time.

***

Subject: Re: Micah Wright
Date: 5/11/2004 8:20:01 AM
From: [Wright]
To: [Treach]

Sorry, no, you misunderstand me. I'm not asking for any favors, I'm requesting that you remove a copyrighted page of MY website which you've posted at YOUR website. I wouldn't dream of asking you to back off from carrying on, rending your clothes and wearing your hairshirt.

I don't know what I did to make you hate me so much, but it really shines through in the sheer amount of time and energy you've devoted to talking shit about me online, whether it's on your blog, other people's blogs, or online chat forums. I was only pointing out that it appears obsessive and makes you look as bad or worse than it does me.

-Micah

***

Subject: Yep, like I thought...
Date: 5/11/2004 9:30:08 PM
From: [Wright]
To: [Treach]

Obsessed.

There's a word for people like you, what is it... oh yeah, Stalker.

***

Subject: Re: Micah Wright
Date: 5/12/2004 7:53:22 AM
From: [Treach]
To: [Wright]

"Sorry, no, you misunderstand me. I'm not asking for any favors, I'm requesting that you remove a copyrighted page of MY website which you've posted at YOUR website. I wouldn't dream of asking you to back off from carrying on, rending your clothes and wearing your hairshirt."

My goodness. And the other e-mail you sent me isn't any better. Please try again when you can be pleasant.

***

Subject: Once Again...
Date: 5/19/2004 11:17:18 AM
From: [Wright]
To: [Treach]

Dude, your obsession with me is really pathetic. Don't you have ANYTHING better to talk about?
-M

***

Subject: Re: Once Again...
Date: 5/19/2004 3:40:50 PM
From: [Treach]
To: [Wright]

"Dude, your obsession with me is really pathetic. Don't you have ANYTHING better to talk about?"

This is still quite unpleasant. I welcome you to try again with a different tone, if you think it's worth your while.

***

Subject: Re: Once Again...
Date: 5/19/2004 4:40:39 PM
From: [Wright]
To: [Treach]

Jim,

Please leave me alone. I would really appreciate it if you would stop using your blog to hound me day and night.

Yours,
Micah

***

Subject: Re: Once Again...
Date: 5/19/2004 5:49:44 PM
From: [Treach]
To: [Wright]

"Please leave me alone. I would really appreciate it if you would stop using your blog to hound me day and night."

The tone is slightly better, but you could still do without the hyperbole. Nonetheless, I'll accede to your wishes and limit myself to the daylight hours.

Hang in there!

***

Subject: Funny
Date: 5/19/2004 8:30:32 PM
From: [Wright]
To: [Treach]

Quoting private email on your public blog?

You're all class.

Strangely, posting that email was exactly what I expected from you.

Glad to see you're so predictable. And, sadly, still just another internet stalker. Have fun. I can't wait until your ENTIRE LIFE is nothing but scouring the internet looking for things that I say. How sad, how truly pathetic your existence must be. Is it that lonely in your world that even someone who sends you angry mail is better than no one mailing you at all?

-M

***

Subject: Re: Funny
Date: 5/19/2004 9:48:25 PM
From: [Treach]
To: [Wright]

"Strangely, posting that email was exactly what I expected from you."

Glad to hear it! Hey, it was the least embarrassing one you've sent me so far, try to look at it that way.

And please note that, as per our agreement, it was still light out when I posted it. No lie.

***

Subject: Daylight Hours
Date: 5/22/2004 1:26:02 PM
From: [Wright]
To: [Treach]

And here's two for you, stalker:

http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-ch05.html
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-pe06.html

***

Subject: Re: Daylight Hours
Date: 5/22/2004 1:55:40 PM
From: [Treach]
To: [Wright]

"stalker"

At the risk of seeming needlessly contrary, it should be noted that at no point have I initiated personal contact. (It would be impolite not to reply to your e-mails, of course, after you've put such thought and care into them.) But no matter. Thank you for reading, and for the piercing insight.

(I haven't heard from him since then, but I live in hope!)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:07 PM

June 14, 2004

Conspiracy theories are your best entertainment value

Now I know how Bruce Wayne must feel! (Registration to the Micah Wright Delphi forum required.) Man, Steve Hogan is gonna be so pissed... I'm supposed to be him, not Parrott. I think I was supposed to be the long-lost A. Beam too? Well, I categorically deny being Puce.

Anyway, I've never made it a secret that Parrott is my blog host. Thanks again, Kevin! See "you" later (in the mirror?).

P.S. Oooooh, speaking of Bruce Wayne...

P.P.S. Wait, am I Michele too? I probably am, aren't I? So I'm getting a really nice set out of the bargain, at least.

P.P.P.S. Steven Den Beste has a very interesting addendum. I'm not really sure what to make of the e-mail he received, but I suppose it's flattering in a way.

P.P.P.P.S. Now Wright claims he was just kidding about having incontrovertible proof that Parrott and I are the same person, and therefore we're (I'm?) just as bad as he is, if not worse, and how about an apology for being such a meanie to him, etc. Or at least I think that's what he's trying to say now. If so... whew! Just a bit of lighthearted japery, folks. Move along, nothing to see here. (Oh, and Evan McBillingsley, your check is in the mail! Assuming you're not actually me, in which case... boy, this is confusing.)

P.P.P.P.P.S. That thread got wiped out somehow, but you can check out a copy of it here and here.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:33 AM

June 03, 2004

Some Big Dickhead That Way Runs

Or, as Ray Bradbury put it when asked about Moore's appropriation of his Fahrenheit 451 title: "Michael Moore is a screwed asshole." (Translated from an interview in a Swedish newspaper, via Timbleah.) Bradbury also claims that Moore dodged him when he wanted to discuss it. Read the whole thing, as they say.

Update: The first hit on a Google search for "fahrenheit moore bradbury" brings up this item from 04/04/03:

Author Ray Bradbury thinks Michael Moore's title will confuse people with his classic sci-fi novel Fahrenheit 451 and he wants Moore to change it. "He can't have my title," said Bradbury. "We've got an important film coming out [Fahrenheit 451], the book's having its 50th anniversary in October. If he wants his movie to be an homage to me, why not title it, 'Bradbury, where the hell are you now that we need you?'" (Variety)

Update II: Yes, I do realize how odd it sounds to describe Moore performing physical activities like running and dodging.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:31 AM

June 02, 2004

As for "layabout..."

Not all of us are getting that Denton money for blogging, anonymous author of Defamer! (A form of address I use not as a criticism, but just because I'm not sure if he or she actually answers to "Defamer." I don't think I'd like somebody addressing me as "Defamer," but in many ways I'm old-fashioned.)

I agree with AAoD's point about David Cross, though. Which segues into the other thing I wanted to blog about today but couldn't think of an excuse for. Check out this message board thread where Patton Oswalt defends himself and Bob Odenkirk against charges that they're "sellouts" for doing commercials. Besides the fact that the person doing the accusing is really dumb, it seems like those guys should get more slack than, say, Cross and his various crappy movies. Odenkirk in particular (he's doing those new "President of Beers" ads for Miller), because he's been trying to get another TV project off the ground ever since Mr. Show, with no luck. He's got like 4 or 5 unaired pilots floating around out there. So if he wants to do some beer ads that are actually pretty clever, I say good for him. It probably wasn't a decision he took lightly, and he's obviously put a lot of thought into the ads. And you know he drinks beer. It does seem kind of backwards when you're fast-forwarding through Andy Dick on the Letterman show and then stop to watch an Odenkirk commercial, but I guess that's show bidness.

Plus, have you seen those embarrassing new Budweiser response ads, where they've brought back those stupid talking lizards from a few years ago to basically call Odenkirk a washed-up hack? They're not mocking the character he's playing, but bashing him as an actor. That's probably a first in the various TV ad wars, isn't it? You never saw Ronald McDonald going, "Clara Peller is a stupid old twat!" At least not in public. Well, I can't wait to see how Odenkirk responds. This could be the best thing to happen to his career since the "Manson" sketch.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:43 PM

Here's a thing I like to do where I sit on my ass and watch online trailers for movies I'll never see and then type up stupid snotty unfair crap about them

Constantine: Keanu Reeves branches out in this tale of a pallid, black-clad loner with supernatural powers who seems to gravitate toward damp, dilapidated, poorly lit buildings. Based on a DC Comics series about a blond-haired British fellow who has a discernible personality.

I, Robot: Asimov, Raped.

Alexander: Colin Farrell plays either Alexander the Great or the lead singer of Warrant. The filming of this motion picture marked the first time an Irishman ever battled an elephant that wasn't flying and pink.

Catwoman: Halle, Halle, Halle! Skin-tight black leather, skin-tight black leather, skin-tight black leather! No white wig or ever-shifting accent this time, though. But then, you'll be too busy rubbing yourself off through your cargo shorts to care, tubbsy.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle: AKA Dude, Where's My Sarong? or Harf-Bake. For far too long, white folks, black folks, and Mexican-looking folks have been the only ones allowed to humiliate themselves as the leads in dull-witted stoner comedies. This sad chapter of human history finally ends on July 30th!

Anchorman: This trailer is the only thing Will Ferrell has appeared in since the SNL "cowbell" sketch that has actually made me laugh out loud. Might be worth the downloadpaying my own money to buy a ticket. (Whoops, I linked to the wrong trailer. That one kind of sucked. This one is the funny one.)

Baadasssss!: Mario Van Peebles wrote and directed this behind-the-scenes look at his father Melvin's landmark ode to racial harmony, Sweet Sweetback's Baad Asssss Song. Mario plays his own dad back in the early '70s, and some kid plays Mario as a child. Budgetary restrictions prevented Van Peebles from filming the original draft of the script, which was populated entirely by various permutations of himself. The third-best use of sustained sibilance in a movie title ever, after the original film and the 1973 Strother Martin/Dirk Benedict joint SSSSSSS.

Napoleon Dynamite: Wes Anderson Ex-Lax.

The Terminal: What am I, made of stone? As if the mere sight of Tom Hanks as a befuddled foreignish man who's somehow forced to live in a major American airport isn't heartwearming enough, go ahead and throw in Catherine Zeta-Dialect-Coach-Jones with the most adorable bangs ever. I am weeping with renewed faith in humanity as I type this.

The Manchurian Candidate: Wait, never mind.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:32 PM

June 01, 2004

Nothing I can say right now will be of interest to anybody but me

Which I guess is no different than the usual, ha ha. Anyway, thanks for checking in.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:00 AM