(Click here to catch up on the M.M./O.B.L. feud.) By now you might have heard that the Osama tape was 18 minutes long, but only 6 minutes have been released. I think there might be something to this, because somehow I got on the al-Jazeera mailing list by mistake and I just watched the whole tape. The very last part of the missing 12 minutes was particularly noteworthy:
[THIS IS A RUSH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED. MY ARABIC IS FARPOTCHKET MAYBE, SO SUE ME.]
You think I am to be treated as one would treat a goat
Attempt to laugh, Marshall Mathers, with my sandal on your throat
Try to step to me with your decadent western ways
And you will get popped like a bag of Frito-Lays
My beard is long, and it is not the only part
As you will discover when I go in where you fart
Not in a homosexual way, in the eyes of Allah the Great
But as punishment for the crime of playa-hate
Mess with O.B.L.
You will go see Hell
Mess with O.B.L.
You will go see Hell
Try proddin' Bin Laden
And my crew will kick your rod in
Mess with O.B.L.
You will go see Hell
I was right!
Treacher is a phukken idiot like you didant know. I cant vote cause of Im a convicted felon but if I could Id vote for Bush. You little phags can cry about it all you want but Ill be god damed if I plege alegiance to some snake charmer. Put that in your bong and smoke it you San Fran Pinko butt plows.
Okay, seriously, why did Bin Laden finally decide to show the world he's not a puddle-with-a-beard in the rubble of some cave? It's been so long since he's released anything, all his fans have been like, "Yo, man, you need to get back in the studio, dawg."
Well, you have to look at the facts. I don't want to say he's the type to hold a grudge, but he really didn't like the way Eminem dissed him in that "Without Me" video back in '02. So then he sees this new "Mosh" video... "You call that a Bush Sucks rant, infidel? Let Osama show you how it is done. Get the camera, Abdul. I do not care, get the camera!"
If you haven't seen "Mosh," you can download the Bittorrent in less time than it takes to watch it. AKA Forever. I don't THINK I can TAKE a whole FIVE minutes OF that caDENCE that he DOES he just NEVer stops AND it's disTRACTing from WHAT his messAGE is nameLY that black HOODies look COOL when they're PULLED up oh SHUT up.
At least now we can look forward to another ICP answer rap. Let me get you started, boys: "Everybody knew that you didn't like bush/Who has time for that when you take it in the tush!" Over to you, Violent Jay.
I think that tape was shot in the secret underground prison in Montana where they're holding him. The only thing I can't figure out is why they cut the part at the end where Bush runs up and grabs Osama by the shoulder and yells, "Book 'im, John-o!" And then Ashcroft comes out in a black thong and pasties and the music is like "wakka-chikka wakka-chikka wakka-chikka" and they all start doing it. Why aren't they releasing that? Don't the people have a right to the TRUTH???
need as halp
If he can have a photo contest, so can I. His contest involved people from all over the world (well, several states & the UK) sending him photos of themselves wearing his t-shirts. I don't have t-shirts anymore because only like 7 people bought them. So just e-mail me a photo of yourself, I don't know, doing something that's inspired by this blog in some way. If you are an attractive lady, perhaps this activity could involve you wearing little or no clothing. If you are an attractive gentleman, perhaps it could involve one of your attractive lady friends wearing little or no clothing. The possibilities are as boundless as your own imagination, but don't let that depress you too much. Just start sending in those snapshots while I run out for a 55-gallon drum of Jurgens.
I could lie and tell you the best photo will win a prize or something, but we both know I'm just going to just use it to promote myself, abuse myself, and/or humiliate you. For what are you waiting??
Emphasis and hyperlink mine:
Subject: Re: [#14677991] Please use http://jimtreacher.com as one of your news sources
Thank you for your note. We apologize for our delayed response. We reviewed this site but cannot add it to Google News because we currently only include sites that report on recent events. We appreciate your suggestion and will log the site for consideration should our guidelines change.
The Google Team
Well, at least this one was from a slightly more convincing AI. (See previous automated reply.) First they were telling people they started linking to Kos because he has a staff, AKA all the other serotonin-jockeys who post there, which apparently makes him more of a news source than single-person blogs. So I made it clear that I have a staff as well. Watch those goalposts go. Not that I'm really expecting a "Welcome Aboard!" or anything, but couldn't they at least come up with something good? "Do no evil... wait, does that include making up halfhearted bullshit?"
That way I'll get more Blogads, which will serve as added incentive for me to keep doing this. Unless you think I suck, in which case you're mean and you must click them as punishment.
(Via Bleah) The other week Cathy Seipp wrote about Queen of Sky, a Delta
stewardess flight attendant who was suspended over her blog. The main point of contention seems to be a photo QoS posted of herself wearing her uniform, posing on a row of airline seats, and showing some leg. Both legs, actually. Which I think are taller than my whole body. When I'm standing up, even, as I'm not doing now, for the same reason you didn't want to go up to the blackboard in 7th grade. Anyway, the BBC News site has more, although they call her "Queen of the Sky," which I think is like referring to "the Nirvana" or, more to the point, "the Wonder Woman."
She's a fun-lovin' gal with a great set of stems, said the guy from the '40s, and I hope she gets it sorted out. Hell, who are we kidding, she'll probably get a book and movie deal out of it. Where's my camera? Does Nair hurt?
(Comments are open for anybody who wants to post a doctoral dissertation about why Delta is right to do what they're doing, why I'm a pig for noticing well-proportioned limbs and admitting it, etc. We're all interested.)
Update: She just got fired. She went ahead and reposted all the pictures that got her in trouble, and I guess I just don't see the problem. It's not like she had 8 pitchers of margaritas and tried to fly the plane or anything. Damn.
Dont worry girls I aint gone no place. When you least except it except it.
On whose part? I'll leave that as an exercise for you, Dear Reader. In some ways I wish I'd known about blogs on Oct. 27, 2000. In some other ways, I wish I still didn't. In yet other ways, I wish I had an ice-cream pony that shat twenties.
First he had to follow a full half-hour on Emmett Till, possibly a somewhat tougher act to follow than Shorties Watchin' Shorties. A less sensitive soul might say it was the most awkward double bill since Hendrix opened for the Monkees.
And now this. Wasn't Sunday night when the torch was passed, in terms of public trust? I say Stewart was doing them a favor by lending them his legitimacy for a whole 12 minutes. If CBS wants to get the show's credibility back, they should just let him and his team take over. Rob Corddry to Morley Safer: "Hey, More. Believe me, man, this is not how I pictured us meeting. [Silence] Well, I brought some boxes, so... if you could get all your stuff out of here by noon? That would be great."
What better time than right this very minute? If Bush is
reelected, you won't ever have any money anymore ever again because Halliburton. Don't you want to help make the world a better place with that $10 bill (suggested) while you still remember what it looks like? And if Kerry's elected, you'll be spending all your money on hangover cures and various ointments & medications for your election-night-nookie STDs. Not to mention the bill for the roof after you tear it off the sucker!
Although come to think of it, we won't even need money anymore if Kerry wins, because everybody will just share everything and get along forever. SO GET RID OF IT NOW!!!
Author and Comics Journal reporter Tom Spurgeon has a new blog called The Comics Reporter. [Oops. I think I broke it.] Which would be notable all by itself, because he's a good writer, but of course I'm pointing it out because his logo incorporates a panel from the "Chugbot" story in genius cartoonist Sam Henderson's Magic Whistle comic. In it, the character named after Spurgeon is yelling at the character named after me. I forget the issue number. #8, I think? Anyway, point is, I'm famous.
If you haven't read Sam Henderson's hilarious cartoons and comics, please begin doing so immediately.
In other news, apparently I've just been "Totally Farked." Comments will be closed until I get back from the drugstore carrying my own weight in aspirin.
...and when prominent Leftist academics like [Brian] Leiter are so thought-disordered, I supppose we have to expect almost brain-dead Leftists like Treacher.
Yeah, that Treacher is a real treat. I'm laughing all the way to the high density explosives dump.
That Treach! Such a kidder. At least I think he's kidding...
*As in what greedy people do, and also how he makes you want to puke.
10. Do you really think it's a good idea to be Hitler, George? Hitler killed millions of people and his approval ratings are for shit. Why can't you be somebody who people like? Regis, maybe, or the Prophet Mohammed. Anybody but Hitler! Being Hitler = BAD IDEA.
9. Two words: You. Are. Dumb.
8. When Karl Rove used the remote-control device implanted in your upper back to force you to murder Iraqi babies and American soldiers for oil and/or no reason because Saddam was mean to your dad, plus what about the WMDs you lost after you lied about them even being there in the first place, and then Rove tried to make everybody think your Thanksgiving turkey wasn't plastic by planting fake documents about your military service and forcing Dan Rather to say "Sorry, I guess" on national TV, did you really think we wouldn't figure it out?
7. People might make fun of me. Maybe you're used to it by now, but I'm not.
6. I mean, black hoods? Fa-shion dis-a-a-a-ster. Wasn't Abu Ghraib dreary enough already? (More like Abu Drab!) I would have started a riot -- a laugh riot. While pointing at you!
5. How dare you taunt a dying Christopher Reeve with a big brown bottle of stem cells. The man was on his deathbed, you sick monster. Why did you have to hold the spoon right in front of his lips? "C'mon, Chrissy, it's right here. You can do it, bwah! Just another coupla inches. Oooh, yer close. Close!" Shame on you, Dubya.
4. I can't really think of anything for item #4, and for that I blame you. (Also the Jews.)
3. Where's Osama? Come on, Shrub, we all know you've got him in some secret Ashcroft prison and he's running around loose in the world, plus also besides which everybody just saw him live on tape giving the dramatic reading of Fahrenheit 9/11 that the Halliburton PR dept. wrote for him to swing the election your way. Well???
2. The Internet.
1. I can no longer afford the premiums on my falling-sky insurance. Adios, chimp!
...'cuz every time I look into those eyes, my heart melts!
Hey, isn't the dude who plays Clark Kent on Smallville older than the one who's gonna play him in the movie? Well, I just hope they don't let this guy go on any horsie rides.
...I arrived in Shanghai on Sunday to be handed a message from a local reporter. I rang back expecting a few desultory questions about why a group of Guardian journalists were visiting China but the reporter had a bigger story in her sights: "Is it possible to make interview about Operation Clark County?" (There was no sign in her voice of the mild irony with which we had chosen the project's quasi-military name.)
Quite so, old chap! Bit of a sticky wicket, innit. They call it the Yellow Peril for a reason. Well, there's nothing for it, then. If you'd be so kind as to touch your toes, guv'nor, I can devote every effort to pounding this ballot box up your arse with a mallet.
He wrote some more stuff after that, I presume.
I am not worthy. It's one thing to make the obvious Bill O'Reilly "No Sit-and-Spin Zone" joke on a blog, but it's quite another to say it right to a FOX anchor's face. Not to mention all the other vicious one-liners Robert Smigel got in, before they had him dragged out back and beaten to death (scene not broadcast due to provisions of the Patriot Act). The man
has had testicles of 100% adamantium.
Now if only I could afford the Triumph DVD... [meaningful glance]
no Clock country, darectinles, nowhat
noplace as hoem noplace as hoem noplace as hoem
CLICK CLICK CLICK
libary ladie comng ovar
Why is it that no matter who links to me, my Technorati page doesn't register more than 391 links? It got up there a while back, which is cool, but then for like the last month it's been stuck there. Is that all I get?
DOUG BENSON: Why the fuck did you have to go and add a bunch of useless crap to the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS: When STAR WARS came out, I said it didn’t turn out the way I wanted—it’s 25 percent of what I wanted it to be.
DOUG BENSON: 75 percent of the movie wasn’t there? Funny, it seemed pretty complete to me.
GL: So the choice came down to, do I please myself and [finally] make the movie I wanted, or do I allow the audience to see the half-finished version that they fell in love with?
DB: Half-finished? That’s only 50 percent.
GL: If you really look at it, there’s hardly any changes at all.
DB: First you say 75 percent, then 50 percent, then hardly any changes…are you retarded?
RTR, etc. If we lived in a just universe, Entertainment Weekly or somebody would ask Lucas these questions to his face. He is going to fiddle around with this crap until they put him in the ground, and then his glowing ghost will rise up and instruct his disciples on further meddling with a movie made back when Carter was president. This guy's got more money than God's boss, he could do absolutely anything he wanted with his life, and this is how he wants to be remembered. "I Fucked Around With My Own Movies Until Everybody Hated Me." But who am I kidding, I'll be
downloading waiting in line for the next one just like everybody else.
He's like an old bald Neo, and the island is his Matrix. (Image courtesy of Lost-TV.com.)
I also like Evangeline Lilly, which I mention again only for the purposes of my search-engine ranking.
Update: Interesting discussion in the comments, if I do say so myself.
Update 2: I apologize for letting my instinct for self-promotion lapse and failing to link to my review of The Matrix Reloaded. Which, come to think of it, also had the African-American gentleman from Lost. See how it all comes together...
Update 3: Checking Technorati for other blogs discussing Lost, I found the wonderfully named Television! You Black Emperor. Interesting take on the themes and symbolism and so forth. I like the Purgatory idea, although I've never been much of a reader myself.
Update 4: If you have no idea what I'm talking about, they're showing the
pilot "Walkabout" episode again tonight (Sat.) on ABC. Jim Bob says check it out. Oh, like you have anything else to do tonight if you're reading this.
Woo! Not that it isn't fascinating, every single syllable, but I think it's run its course. If you find this displeasing, feel free to send me a picture of yourself holding up a sign calling me a fascist.
Update: I'm told the Wall Street Journal is finally catching up to me.
What would you call this, crystal-method acting? It's Raging Bull in reverse, so... what, Raging Bone? Wait, I think I've seen that one.
Weiland's like, "Oh my God, what's your secret?"
Some little pinko took a a break from wacken his pud to a pitcher of Osama and gave me a Inertnet link to a news paper story. If they love Moslims so much why dont they just call thereself the No Pork Times.
But if a bunch of basement jockeys can bring back an Australian puppet show for a couple of nights, anything's possible. With that in mind, go to SaveToughCrowd.com. It might be a futile act of defiance, but then, that's what Colin Quinn's been doing for a while anyway.
...this is kind of brilliant.
And now I guess somebody has to do the same thing with a metric buttload of Kerry snippets and, I don't know, the theme from Flipper? Or else it won't be "balanced"? Holy Christ, I've got election fatigue like Courtney Love's got a few gentle quirks. Is it 2005 yet?
Just a reminder that if you don't like what you see over there, I'm sympathetic, and rebuttal space is available at bargain-basement prices.
That's the name of the reality show I just watched in my mind. In it, funnyman Jim Norton and a gaggle of 12 anorexic models live together for three months in a fantastic mansion, and the dreamgirl who loses the most weight wins a terrific prize. A typical scene shows Norton sitting on the couch eating Ruffles while the girls do jumping jacks in front of him and try not to snap their shins. "Let's see those ribs, honey!" At the end of each episode, the living dolls all hit the scales and the heaviest one (first week: 75 lbs.) is booted out, to Norton's cry of "Hit the bricks, YOU FAT LOAD!!!" This catchphrase sweeps the nation. To the slimmest young lady who doesn't succumb to heart failure before the 90-day mark? A prize of $100,000 and a sense of relief that the last thing she sees on Earth won't be a twitchy creep standing over her adjusting his fly and trying to decide if he should lift her skirt and get in there before it's too cold.
NBC or FOX?
So you little libs havant been emailing me which is probably good for your self esteem. If I was you Id be scared of my intelectual prowness too. Id also be be really in to Communism and gettin it on with other dudes but hey what ever floats your boat.
so linketh katie
Jeff Jarvis talked about how one of his posts on the Jon Stewart/Crossfire thing* was quoted on CNET and on the NYT site :
It's funny seeing a quote written in blogspeak pulled out in a news story; it looks like a kid in jeans at the prom.
And then in the comments there was a discussion of blog-quoting protocols for major media, and I was like:
The advantage of blogging is that your name is spelled correctly, right there on the page. So as long as they don't screw that up, I say quote away.
*Which doesn't seem to have received the requisite -gate nickname yet... Dickgate?
Its like a god damn Life Time Movie around here isnt it it but theres still some body on this candy ass blog with some phreaken balls. Maybe Doctor Phil can help you out Treach. I bet youd like some of that Tuff Love alright. Hey if any body finds that little freak Puce creepen around your garbage just show him your dictoinary its like a bible to a Vampire. Welcome To America ya little dim wit learn the Language.
walkwalkwalk hot dy cold nite hugry trascan fud
dogs chas runrun
seecops hide bushis find libary
slep outsid bench mronag libry opes insid comptar traminals see BLUG AS AMRACRUCH ASHOEL!!!! TRACH TRATER
puce as not scare
Howard Kurtz links to Tony Pierce complaining about Glenn Reynolds, which is pretty newsworthy in and of itself no matter what you think of the actual complaint. And then later in the same column, Kurtz extensively quotes Dana Stevens' column about Jon Stewart on Crossfire, although he doesn't pick up any of the links in her quote, including the one to "the blogosphere" (er... me?).
Les Ketchum needs MORE LITHIUM!!
We all know how hilarious it is to suffix every fortune-cookie saying with "...in bed." I propose a similar but perhaps more brain-teasing game, involving TV show titles and the phrase "...is whoever watches this crap without getting paid for it." So far I have The Biggest Loser. Any other suggestions?
Is Jon Stewart the Posh Spice of Crossfire?
Hey, did they ever find out what the deal was with those MS Word documents from 1973? Are we still waiting to hear back from Marty McFly on that?
Still no word from Puce. I should probably... is there somebody I should be calling? The neighbors have actually started smiling and waving and making eye contact, so that's a plus.
Some San Fran pansy ass said I shouldant say John Stewart is a New York Jew. Oh Sorry I forgot hes a Prespitarian from Sue City Iowa.
Relax folks the truth is Im hooked on John Stewart. Actualy Im hooked on his nose it got caught in the tale of my shirt when I walked passed him. See the idea is hes a real short guy with a big nose. Good one.
Dont tread on me mother phukker. I say we we send over a schitt load of dentists and good cooks and people with chins over there and take over that whole phukken country. [Yeah the wierd spellings. That phag Treacher and me reached a Compromise about the abundent cussing too bad if if you dont like it.]
It's never been much of a problem before, but if I don't know you and you jump into the conversation with phrases such as "you're all right-wing assholes," I might not bother reading your doctoral dissertation beyond that. (There's only one guy who gets to talk to me like that, and he
blackmailed talked me into letting him co-blog.) You might even fall victim to the neocon chickenhawk fascism infecting AmeriKKKa by having your screed deleted from my host's server. I realize people like to type things and then read what they've just typed, we all do, but it's a simple matter of custodial duty. It's a big Internet, and there are plenty of other places to shit.
(Mockery and contempt will be otherwise tolerated, of course, but at least try to be entertaining about it.)
And just to exert my capricious will, I'm not going to turn on comments for this post. Good luck with the petition.
Just throwing it out there:
Why is it impossible to comprehend that there is such a thing as partisan comedy? And that when a partisan comedian is (rightfully) reading the riot act to partisan journalists/pundits, it is well within bounds to criticize him for his own partisanship, regardless of the fact that he's a comedian?
Seriously, Al Franken, Janeane Garofalo, Dennis Miller, Howard Stern, Don Imus, Bill Maher, Larry Miller, Aaron McGruder, Gary Trudeau, David Cross--would we accept "I'm just a comedian" from ANY of these people if that was their response when challenged on their support for a particular candidate or party on their TV shows/radio shows/columns/comics? (Not that I think any of them would respond that way, which now that I think of it makes Stewart's "who, me?" schtick even more grating.) Even if it's ridiculous partisan assholes who pose as journalists (like Carlson or Begala or Novak or Carville, or Sean Hannity, or Bill O'Reilly, or Chris Matthews, or any of these clowns) challenging these comedians, that doesn't invalidate their point.
This makes more sense to me than a lot of the other stuff I've been skimming on the subject, but then, I don't have a PhD in semiotics or whatever it is I'm supposed to be grasping. Note to my fellow Jon Stewart fans: You're not helping.
Why so you can express your feelings. Tell it to Opra ya little cry baby.
An other reason Treacher stinks beside the fact hes a pud gummer is hes always beggen for scratch like a worth less bum on the street. Its like Please help what am I gonna do boo boo hoo hoo. Fucken wussy. You want a donation how bout I donate some protien right in your face. Hows that for Pay Pal Gay Pal. Awsome rhyme.
He did say I could get five percent of the gross though so help a brother out man.
1) Don't try to beat the combined typing speed of a couple dozen Slate-reading grad students singlehandedly. You couldn't even do it quadruplehandedly.
2) The Daily Show isn't a news show. Did you think that The Daily Show was a news show? Well it's not. Also, The Daily Show isn't a news show. In addition, if you were thinking about saying that The Daily Show is a show that shows news, don't even try it because The Daily Show isn't a news show. Even if you're making a point that's a little more complicated than whether The Daily Show is or isn't a news show, please be aware that a news show is something The Daily Show is not. "TDS = News" is an invalid equation. I've got good news and bad news, but The Daily Show is neither. News is history shot on the wing, but The Daily Show is unarmed. Ad infinitum.
3) E.W. Munson knows who he is. Do you know who you are?
And a note to Catrina: As I think I said, it's true that Jon Stewart can be both candy and broccoli. I enjoy one and understand the purpose of the other. Sometimes I'll even have them both during the very same meal. It's just that I'm getting a little tired of Stewart's particular recipe for Choco-Broccoli Casserole.
(By the way, another thing that stinks is that while all this is going on, Tough Crowd is getting cancelled in a couple of weeks. Shut up, I like Tough Crowd.)
I've been pretty busy with the novel lately, and pulling a lot of shifts at Arby's, so I'm not able to spend as much time providing free Internet content as I'd like. Plus, with Puce going AWAL, er, AWOL, there's nobody to pick up the slack. So I've been in discussions with several candidates about helping out around here. After some deliberation, I've settled on one who I really think is going to make an impact.
My regular readers will know him from his correspondence with me over the past few weeks, and for his many thoughtful witticisms in the comments. He's a bit more to the right than me on domestic issues, but I figure that's a good counterbalance for Puce. Assuming Puce ever actually... no, no, I'm not going to think about that right now.
Anyway! It might seem like a leap of faith, but sometimes you can just feel a deep inner connection with another person. Somehow you know it's right. So in that spirit, I'd like you all to extend a warm welcome to the newest member of the MMISwT family: Mr. Earl Wayne Munson, AKA... Captain Americrunch.
Take it away, Crunch!
P.S. Apropos of nothing: Kevin Parrott hasn't been posting thousands of words lately, but sometimes one picture is all it takes.
Note: I kept this post on top for most of the day, just to ease everybody in.
Dont let your mouth write checks your ass cant cash sissy. Walk away now or or I will be on you harder than a english lesson.
Guess what Treach. You aint.
Looks like all the action is down here today. And right in the middle of your big opening! Well, traffic is traffic, big guy. Maybe all the nice people will stick around for your unique positions. (He's really a great guy when you get to know him, folks.)
Oh shit, I'm late! Those curly fries don't just season themselves, you know.
That movie is kick ass. I saw it and you should go see it. If your boyfriend lets you that is. I went with a hot chick I know and then after wards she got so horny she was like Oh Crunch me baby. You bet I did.
Hey whats up limeys. I guess you think you can fuck with American Elections huh. Maybe you dont remember a little somethen called the Revolutionery War. That didant go so well for you dick grabbers now did it. Yeah I seem to remember you limp wristed nancy boys went skippen back home to King Whoever after that one. So wise up. Why dont you shut your mouth and go scream like little girls over your favorite soccer player. Id say whatever the guys name is but unlike your third rate country we dont give a shit about soccer so I dont know what his name is. Probaly Nigel Wanksbury or somethen. What is it about that stupid game you like anyway huh ol chaps. The little socks. Those little shorts. The way they hug each other. They They should just get it over with and do it right there on the field. Why dont you riot about that you fucken dopes. Just have your little tea and crumpits and pretend you still matter and leave the real work for the Americans okay. Dont make us have to come over there you buck tooth freaks.
PS--Nice pop culture.
Why does every body try and say its not. Of course it is. A fucken fag sees some other fucken fag and chooses to gay him. Why else would he do that if he didant choose to. Just like when a normal person sees a nice piece of ass they choose to get a big boner like I do when I see a hotty. Its like okay dick do your work. It wont just pop up on its own stupid. You got to think about it my friend. You got to choose. Does this person make me want to mentally command the blood to flow into my penis causing it to become rigid. Thats what you say to your self. If its a smokin babe and your not a big turd burgaler like Treacher the answer is hell yah baby. If you liberal pole smokers dont like the truth you you can suck a big one. Right here. I bet youd like that wouldant you.
Case closed America.
You wish faget. I just bet you want to ease it in Treach. I always figure you liked it better on the bottom though thats more your speed.
Hey there people its your ol buddy Americrunch. You can call me Crunch or Crunchster or EW but just dont forget to call me when its Miller Time. Thats a pretty good one. Any ways I guess you think its going to be business as usual around here huh. Well thats where your sadly mistaken my fine liberal friend. Im sick of this Treacher butt surfer always pussy footing around shit so thats not what your going to get from me. The Crunchman tells it like it is. You dont like it you can lump it. Your saying Oh Crunchster how can you be so force full. Hell just comes natural I guess. Dont cross me and we wont have any problems got me. Your not dealing with that little wuss retard Puce your dealing so try to step up if you can intelectualy.
I will be covering a lot of topics but I dont take requests but if you want to email me its firstname.lastname@example.org. Why dont you bring some of that lefty bull shit and see how well you do pal. It might not go the way you planed but hey its your funeral.
Okay I guess thats all I got for now but just watch your ass. Instead of watching other dudes assess queerbait.
Ken Layne* says some stuff about Jon Stewart's appearance on Crossfire that I think is correct**. I also think CNN should thank Stewart for reminding America that there is still a show on TV called Crossfire. I stopped caring about it when they built a set and started letting crowds in. And all the crap with the timers and bells and all that. Why not just set up an audience meter and some gongs and have Chuck Barris come out in a stupid hat?
Anyway. Stewart told the two jerks to their faces, and not in a kidding sort of way, that shows like theirs are ruining America. Which could be true. They certainly stink on ice. But doesn't The Daily Show get higher ratings than Crossfire anyway? Maybe not, I don't know. [Update: Yep. It's not even close.] It's just kind of weird to watch the host of The Daily Show calling out the guys from Oh Yeah, I Remember That Show. What next, Conan O'Brien bitchslapping Byron Allen?
Stewart's been bugging me... I've been getting more and more annoyed with him trying to have it both ways, being an increasingly self-righteous advocate and yet deflecting criticism with "It's just a comedy show!" Which is pretty much perfectly encapsulated in his 15-odd minutes on Crossfire. I remember when he was a lot more convincing about being a moderate, not that long ago. And I think his interview with Kerry is certainly fair game for criticism. But then again, calling Tucker Carlson a dick? Right to his face? That is a Golden TV Moment.
*Who has not actually suffered a head injury, and I apologize to everybody who misunderstood my meager little joke and sent him cards and flowers. However, I cannot and will not reimburse you.
**Click here for the Bittorrent of the video if you haven't seen it. Which you haven't, because it was on Crossfire. It'll only take about 2 minutes to download, because every single nerd in the world is uploading it right now. Oh, and here's the transcript, although you really need to watch the thing to get the full holyshitness of it.
P.S. Thanks to Dana Stevens at Slate for the link. She has a good take on it. Personally, I'm no less a fan of Stewart's after this than I have been for the last few months watching TDS. (That's what the Tivo fast-forward button is for, after all. It's like a scrollbar for your TV.) And unlike some of his critics, I don't think he necessarily needs to choose between pundit and comedian. He can do both. Just maybe not in the same breath. It was maddening when he lectured those guys and they wanted to talk to him about it, and he kept going, "Wait, I'm just a comedian!" Clown nose off, clown nose on, clown nose off, clown nose on... It's just as much of a defense mechanism as his tie-straightening and that schmendrick voice he goes into (Art Fern?), and it's every bit as annoying. I still like the guy, and I agree with his point on this one, but I wish he'd quit falling back on that trick.
P.P.S. From the comments: "And if your argument goes the way I think it is going, then just because Stewart hosts a comedy show he then isn't able to have sincere and hard-hitting positions?"
Wow. No. Of course he's able to have sincere positions. I just wish he would defend them. "We're a comedy show!" is, in that context, a copout. He's trying to have it both ways, and I'm not sure he even realizes he's doing it.
P.P.P.S. And also from the comments: "Watching the interview a few times, and reading the transcript, I don't think the 'clown nose' argument really stands. Crossfire was trying to talk to Jon Stewart, comedian host of The Daily Show. But the guy answering was Jon, concerned American voter."
And his response was that he was Jon Stewart, comedian host of The Daily Show. Wash, rinse, repeat.
And also: "How hard-hitting he is when playing the role of a comedy host has no relevence when he's decrying the dishonesty of the political media. I think he summed it up best: 'I'm not going to be your monkey.'"
But see, that was in response to the bowtie dork saying he wasn't funny. Say he's not funny, he tells you he's a concerned citizen. Try to engage him on the point, he tells you he's a comedian. I think I've adequately explained my opinion on that tactic, so I won't belabor it any further. I don't want anybody to start getting the idea that I think Crossfire is a good show.
Postscript: The Next Generation. Dana Stevens writes: "'Clown nose on, clown nose off...' good line! Wish I'd thought of it. And your reading of the tie-straightening 'schmendrick voice' as a defense mechanism is on the money too. Personally, I think JS is struggling w/ what to do with his newfound power, feeling guilty about suddenly being so big a part of the media/entertainment machine. It will be interesting to follow how his persona changes over the next few years. But like you, I remain a fan."
Postscripts: The Day After Yesterday. Hey, as long as you guys are here and you're fired up, you might also enjoy not liking this.
Otra Posdata. Check out Will Leitch's take on it at the Black Table. And the video of last night's TDS opening monologue. Oh, and here's what Sean Collins has to say, and check out my awesome new comments policy. And Choco-Broccoli Casserole and Jon Stewart Visits Emeril Live: "You Are Hurting Food" were kind of good if I do say so myself.
En toch Een ander Postscriptum. A liberal blogger who thought Jon Stewart was out of line. Seriously. Hell, even I liked the part where he called that guy a dick. Despite the following 150 comments to the contrary.
Speaking of which, just out of curiosity and procrastination, I cut and pasted the whole comments section into MS Word and ran a word count. Over 18,000 and rising. (My original post, including this, is a little over a thousand.) With the 1973 Texas Air National Guard defaults of 12 pt. Times New Roman, it's going on 44 pages. And it's a page-turner, let me tell you.
Postscripts, Day 6: The Crisis Continues. Almost!
The End. Okay, I think one week is plenty of time, so I've closed the comments on this particular Dickgate post. When people start pasting in whole newspaper articles to make whatever point they're making, instead of just linking to things like a normal person, and then when I ask them not to do that, of course it's because I'm scared of the truth... Oy! Well, if you're still enthused about it, go bug this guy.
And please feel free to send me a picture of yourself holding up a sign calling me a fascist.
The End, Part II. 10 Reasons I'm Not Voting for You, Mr. George W. Bush.
I really do not need this, today of all days. When I went out back this morning to take Puce his daily bowl of scraps and his "laptop" (a Cheerios box with the front cut open so it flips up), his chain was broken and the little "Indian hogan" he built out there was even more of a shambles than usual. The only clue I found was this:
All he's been talking about for the last couple of days is "Clock Country, Clock Country, Clock Country," so I guess this is supposed to sway one of those Ohio voters. Or maybe it's a rough draft? Is he actually on his way over there to hand-deliver something very much like this? You know, that's probably it... Goddamn it. Well, I guess I should find out which name and address the Guardian gave him and warn those poor folks he's on his way. I just do not need this shit today.
You miserable worms will just have to find something else to fill the void in your useless lives for a few all-too-brief moments. You. Make. Me. SICK.
Er, I mean... Y'all come back now, hear?
This was one short month ago...
Who won, and why? (Sincere responses permitted but not encouraged. (And make it 500 words or less, please.))
You seem to be making up at least 1/3rd of my traffic. So! Courtesy of the indispensible TV Tattle, check out the articles about her here and here. For the more predatory among you, her innocence and naïveté should be better than a Cialis sundae with extra nuts:
Proud of the show [Lost] and thrilled to be part of it, Lilly says her biggest surprise was finding that so many of the show-business horror stories she'd heard were untrue, at least for her.
"I was so unprepared. I've been shocked by the warmth and the generosity and the kindness and the giving of all the people. ... I'm still in that enamored stage where I'm in love with the industry."
Here's an interesting little tidbit from that minor news story today about the pesky mass grave in Iraq where, yeah, okay, so maybe a few baby skulls with bullet holes in the back got in there somehow, fine, let's all make a big production out of it:
[Greg Kehoe, an American investigator working with the Iraqi Special Tribunal] said that work to uncover graves around Iraq, where about 300,000 people are thought to have been killed during Saddam Hussein's regime, was slow as experienced European investigators were not taking part.
The Europeans, said, were staying away as the evidence might be used eventually to put Saddam Hussein to death.
Wouldn't want that! And since those conscientious deflectors will have all that extra free time, they can spend it
e-mailing using the full names and street addresses of registered voters in Clark County, OH, which are being helpfully provided by the Guardian, to snail-mail them and tell them how to vote.
Well, we'll always have Stralia.
Update: Click here for some bragging from the earnest youngster* who set up the "Tell the Yanks How to Vote" site for them:
This is possibly the most important thing I've ever done at work...
Don't sell yourself short, kid. People need coffee too.
Update 2: Another amusing thing I just noticed about that page: Check out the graphic they use. Hey, so I guess it's a non-partisan effort, right? Limey please.
*Robin Grant writes in the comments: "Hi Jim - thanks for the trackback. Give me me a shout if you're ever over in London and I'll take you to Starbucks, although you'll be surprised - I may be earnest but I'm no youngster..."
The more I read about the luminaries depicted in Team America and the fates that befall them (spoilers, nerds!), the more I feel like an unsung prophet. Kneel, Parker! Cower, Stone! If only.
Well, Salon readers are so torked off that they should be quoted in the movie's advertising. Sour. Sour like Abe Vigoda in a lemon-sucking contest. Magnifique! (Fantasy sequence: Parker & Stone smuggle a DVD of the movie onto the Salon Cruise*, steal all the other viewing materials on board, and then sabotage the boat. It shipwrecks on a deserted island, and the only thing the survivors have to divert themselves from thoughts of impending cannibalism is Team America. I can just see it. Kind of like a Lost sort of feel, only with less Evangeline Lilly and more gut-laffs.)
I am so there on opening day. If that makes me a "South Park Republican," so be it. Plus I miss TV Funhouse and I want to see the Super-Marionation fornication.
Update: "The puppet was reportedly stuffed with ham when it blew." I am camping out in line the night before.
Nor will I summarize it except to say, you should get such fan mail. Now go read The Caustic Love Brigade.
...but at the same time I'm terrified that if I stop tap-dancing for even a day, my traffic will plummet and people will be even less likely to buy a Blogad. So I'll just run some of your letters to me and call that a post. Is that okay with you? I'm so glad you approve, DAD.
Piss all over a dead guy why dont you. Your a fucking pussy. You wouldant say that shit if he was alive and could move his limbs. You faget. What did you ever do in your life. I dont see you in any movies. Gay sex movies maybe. I bet you been in some of them.
I just wanted to offer up my opinion about that angry dude who keeps e-mailing you. I think he's touched in the head. I bet he thinks IraqWarIsWrongBlog isn't a parody. He probably thinks www.adamyoshida.com is too left-wing. His favorite comic strip is in all likelyhood The Born Loser, or perhaps Howard Huge. I wouldn't be surprised if he was that guy Michele saw handing out carrots and celery on Halloween. If he had a blog, it would probably be called "A Journey Into Reason."
I didn't really have anything else to say. Tell Puce I said good luck with the English lessons. Also, I think the little guy should look into taking some anger management classes.
I'm sorry I haven't written earlier. It's been crazy at work, and I know that's no excuse. I guess I've just let things get in the way of our friendship recently, for example our mutual ignorance about the other's existence. I promise I won't let that get in the way again. Who am I kidding? We both know we'll make attempts to keep in touch, but slowly we'll find the same old excuses not to write, "I'm busy," "I've got people in town," "I'm outside of Vegas with a dead stripper and a dull shovel," etc. I just wanted you to know, since I've come to know of your gloriousness (I proclaim this a real word), colors seem brighter, children seem to laugh more, and there is music in the parks. May your Treacherocity (see gloriousness) forever wave.
Hope you feel better,
[Name withheld by request]
What I vote for is you ripping off lame cartoonists and replacing lame dialog balloons with smart, snappy dialog balloons.
Or making fart noises with your armpit, which I can't hear anyway.
Thanks so much for the email. Due to the volume of mail this may be the only response you see.
While I do not always see it in a timely fashion I do try to read all of my mail. However, I average over 1000 letters a day and there is no way I can respond to most letters.
I am glad you are listening and even though you may not see a response, I want you to know that I am listening as well.
how can you support those liberals bob and david ??
i used to think that s*ht [shit -- ed.] was funny - then i got taught how to read BETWEN THE LINES!
those guys are just to the left of "left behind"!
sometimes values gotta matter, right, treach?
Seriously, don't expect editors to go after you, because they tend to be really behind the times, and then paying too much once they do notice. That's why agents are able to extract that 15%--by getting editors to pay attention.
P.S. While I'm thinking about it: you really ought to do some more of those nasty comics with the freshly written dialogue. They crack my ass up. In a good, manly way.
Why should you read "Columbus, the first terrorist!"?
Because it's funny, and I wrote it just for you, and you wouldn't want to hurt my feelings by not even reading it, would you? You aren't that cruel, are you?
You should link to it too. I mean, it's only right.
Happy Columbus Day,
Click on that to read the whole thing, if you feel like not respecting me anymore (or never did in the first place).
What did I miss? (Serious answers tolerated but not preferred.)
Reminder: Sunday is your last day to donate to the Boobiethon. Give all you can, and I don't just mean in terms of cubic centimeters. They're trying to raise at least $7,045.45 (last year's total) for breast cancer research, and they're almost there. It's for a good cause, and plus there are some really sweet titties over there, dude.
On that note, I'd like to take this opportunity to wave back to the subject of photos #247 and #248. Can you see it? You probably don't want to see it.
Ms. Kramer filed a report for Wired News titled Prof Pursued by Mob of Bloggers, about the guy who tried to make it look like there could be any way those memos weren't fake. Here was my reply, in full:
It's too bad some meanies were rude to a college professor. I guess that means Microsoft Word was invented at Woodstock after all.
If there's a blog you think my 37 readers and I should know about, please post a link and a brief description in the comments of this post. If there isn't, you don't need to do anything.
How about one of those posts where you link to all different bloggers and try to think of something to say about them? Yeah? Okay. Most of them will be people who've linked to me, of course, because I am completely self-absorbed.
Sister Toldjah has linked to me and seems very nice. She has pretty eyes and lives in North Carolina. (But she's no John Edwards fan!) I have been to both North Carolina and South Carolina and preferred North Carolina. Nothing to do with Sister Toldjah one way or another, just saying.
La Shawn Barber is another nice woman who's linked to me. She's black, which I think I'm allowed to point out because she has her picture on her blog, and also because she's a conservative and therefore probably doesn't have as big a stick up her hind end about racial politics or whatever it's called where you're not supposed to point out that people are of different races even when you're not making fun of the way they behave in movie theaters. Anyway, La Shawn has a lovely smile and strong opinions expressed engagingly, so go read her.
Jeff Goldstein is going to be away from his computer for a while, so to keep his traffic up, he's recruited all sorts of guest bloggers. That should be fun. (The kid has been struggling lately, so I figured I'd throw him some traffic.)
I'm getting a headstart on kissing DC Pierson's ass now, before he gets all famous. He's been training in improv at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre, which brought you people like Amy Poehler and that one guy, and it sounds like he loves it. His youthful enthusiasm and dedication to craft remind me of myself at his age, before life crushed me like the pathetic bug I am. DC's in a group called the Hammerkatz, which also makes me think of my youth, but let's save that part for the inevitable Court TV movie.
Also Eurotrash and Ryne McClaren and Colby Cosh and everybody else I cannot think of anything to write about because I am weary and ill, but I am sure that every single person who has ever linked to me is a fine strong-hearted individual of rare wit and good moral fiber (or bad, depending on your preference). Many thanks to you all, because I wouldn't be where I am today without you. Think about that one for a minute. Now please excuse me while I go empty the phlegm-bucket and pass out.
'How about you. I bet you like a little smooth-up-in-ya now and then too huh. You can't even speak English but I bet you can play a mean flute. Skin flute that is. Come on you fucken Lord Of The Rings reject. Try to put together a sentence about that you asshole.'
STUPAT AMERCRANCH PUCE CALL POLISE NOBUDY TALK PUCE AS WAY
I don't know anything about her either, guys. Sorry. Happy Searching!
Subject: Hey why don't you answer me.
Dont run off now Mary. Not so funny now is it. You wont think its so funny when your on the recieving end of the old Crunchmeister. Grease up you fruit. You and your fagosexual blog butt buddys.
Congratulations to Moorelies.com, which is devoted to pictures of Demi Moore lying on things with no clothes on. Seriously, go look!
As always, rebuttal space is available at bargain-basement prices.
Hey liberal commie fag,
You think your pretty funny huh. You like that dumb slut Wonkett. I bet you like it in the ass too you lefty dicksucker. Why dont you pinko fagets go back to Germeny and France where you came from. They like your type over there. Queer. If I ever see you I will beat you with a pipe wrench until you admit your wrong about America. Fuck you homo.
Keep sucken dicks you fairy,
Good luck with the novel!
You stupid lefty creep,
How did your boy Edwards do. That fucking Kendoll assbandit. His hair looked like a Kendoll. You couldant get your eyes off his lips though. Wouldant you like to kiss him on the lips you faget.
Subject: Hi! Last week I offered my services to Google News, remember?
I told you about jimtreacher.com, which is a news & opinion site staffed by myself and my colleague Puce Parchesceau, whose command of English and basic logic is admittedly shaky but improving by the year. And regarding that point: He's a big, big fan of Daily Kos. So when he saw that the K-man is now available via Google News, he couldn't stop talking about it. At least I think that's what he was talking about.
And now I find out that there's a new member of the Google News family: Wonkette! I can't tell you how thrilled I am to see this. She is just so... so... I don't want to say "funny," that's not really the term.... "Witty"? "Interesting"? No, no... I guess there really isn't a word for what makes her site so wonderful. But why am I telling you, right? You guys obviously know already.
Anyhow, I'm sure you have a lot of sites to sort through, trying to determine if they're well-written and informative enough to be considered as good as Wonkette and Kos. I just wanted to drop you a line and remind you about ours. Please make a young, emotionally troubled exchange student very happy. Please.
Have a great day,
Subject: Re: [#15140615] Hi! Last week I offered my services to Google News, remember?
Thank you for writing to Google. This automated response is just to let you know that we've received your email, and you'll hear from us soon.
If your email is regarding a source you'd like to have included in Google News, please be assured we will review it.
We appreciate your support as we work to improve Google News.
The Google Team
Is it whoever or whomever? Anyway, can I get a book deal or something? Thanks in advance!
I WANT MY MONEY BACK YOU BASTARDS
"We all remember where we were the first time we pleasured ourselves to the breasts of a member of the Leigh family."
You know that old science-fiction cliché where a clone or an alien baby grows to adulthood within a matter of days, and then withers and dies of old age after a few more? Why does Lindsay Lohan make me think of that?
Does anybody know where I can find a sound clip of Tom Brokaw talking about the "political jihad"? I just want to hear how he pronounced it.
Still no word from Google News about letting Puce and me help them out.
Fey + Poehler = YES. A little too giggly, maybe, but whatever. Am I wrong, or was that the very first edition of Weekend Update that ended with the two anchors hugging?
I'm not feeling too good. Later.
Gentlemen! You've already heard that a good old yam-handling session a few times a
week day, in addition to being very relaxing and a swell way to pass the time, may help prevent prostate cancer. And it's better than an apple a day if you're more worried about AIDS and stuff than about dying old and alone. Well, now it can help cure breast cancer too!
I don't know about you guys, but I'm kind of tired. Many, many thanks to Dan Rather for renewing my faith in blogging. STAY CRAZY DAN! FRIENDS 4 EVER
Well, off to community service. That trash ain't gonna pick up itself!
I used part of your kind and generous donations to buy this. And I ain't sorry. You think you can take me, college boy?!?
Speaking of people of odor... I told you about all the lonely dudes Googling for "Evangeline Lilly" and coming upon my page (get it?). Well, lately I'm also noticing an unusual amount of traffic from people searching for my name. The best I can figure, they heard about this hilarious guy on the Interent and they want to see for themselves just how wrong their friends are. Hey, a hit is a hit is a hit. And it made me think of another way you can help spread the word in "meatspace":
Write my URL on the forehead of a sleeping hobo! A lot of homeless folks don't have dependable Web access (librarians think they're better than everybody else), but it might be fun anyway. You could even become part of the Lore of the Alleyway Ambassadors! "Remember the night Ol' Drawbridge awoke to find hisself a walkin' Web ad? Tip your hat for 'em, DB!" Don't you want to add a little mystery and wonder to the life of some jaded, world-weary juicehead? Yes. Carve your name on the Halls of Eternity, my friends! Well, my name.
seegang dog see REALTY, rekanise PUCE RITE CLICK
Also deskib acoratey LFG say 'lessor bred' as rag wear, codem, NOW FAVIT SIT CLICK
I really didn't know if he was going to make it. With everything they threw at him, for a while there it looked like he was done for. Racing against the clock, meeting misery and despair and ugliness at every turn. Face-to-face with the worst this country has to offer... he looked so alone. But then he really dug deep and turned it all around. That bit at the end, yeah, it was corny, but it worked for me.
I don't care what anybody says, I kind of liked Escape from L.A.!