November 28, 2004

That's my fun day

  • Rise and shine, Jesusland! You are being monitored, and failure to attend will have consequences. My church has WiFi, fortunately.
  • Point of clarification: I am not a political blogger. I am a current-events blogger, if and when I think of something to say about current events. For example, let's imagine I were to type out something like this: "You know why Howard Dean is a centrist? Because his sleeves meet in the center of his back!" Now see, this is less of a political comment than a glib "joke" about a person or topic in the news. Okay? Think of me as a late-night comic, except without the salary or audience or talent.
  • In the past, when someone has taken the time to complain about the content of this blog and to make whatever demands he (and it's almost always a he) feels entitled to make, I have asked for an address so I can send him his refund. If the complainer is particularly unpleasant, I specify how many corners he should fold that refund into before he administers it backdoorally. In the future, I will simply direct such correspondents to this post.
  • For the last few weeks, TBS has been airing Mr. Show really late/early on the weekends. Apparently you can say "piss" and "shit" on TBS, but not "the eff word," "the ess my dee phrase," etc. Excretory functions are fine, sexual functions are not. Kind of weird. Some of the cussing is still left in if you've got your closed-captioning turned on, so you can enjoy that if you're a fan of filthy talk. Or you could just buy the DVDs.
  • News you can use: When you eat turkey, you get sleepy. There's like a chemical in it.
  • Last year: Wardrobe malfunction. This year: Catalog malfunction.
  • The creator of The Venture Brothers, one of the two Adult Swim shows that is capable of making me laugh, has a LiveJournal. In this post, he cites Lileks and his Dorcus Collection as an inspiration. I think that's pretty swell.
  • November was a good month for me in some ways. I am choosing to focus on those ways. Thanks to everyone who made it awesome, including but not limited to: James Taranto, Zack Snyder, David Rees, the 51%, Kitty, Michele, Tim, Glenn, James, Kevin, David, Cathy, Sean, and everybody else who has made my life bearable and/or sent me enormous amounts of traffic over the last 30 days. I'm not arrogant enough to think I deserve it, but I do appreciate it. And biggest thanks of all to you, Dear Reader. Now go click on the Blogads or give me some money or something.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:29 AM

November 26, 2004

Kilograms 199

That would be my title for the sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11. Daniel Frank has more.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:20 AM

Yes, thank you, I know about ApologiesAccepted.com

They're doing just fine without my help. At this point it's kind of like if a guy yells "Hey, everybody!" in the lunchroom and drops his pants. Every day. Do you run up and paint a smiley face on his butt, or do you just stay out of his way? The preceding rhetorical question has been brought to you by the staff of MMISwT. Thank you, and please enjoy your drinking holiday.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:28 AM

November 24, 2004

Have a good one

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:18 AM

November 23, 2004

Cause/Effect

See, he waited until I publicly announced my little break before he finally did the right thing, which is of course directly attributable to this. Brokaw and Jennings, sleep tight!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:22 AM

November 22, 2004

Things might be slow around here for a little bit

I've got a couple of more pressing matters to deal with right now than providing free Web content. Plus I think you'll agree, Dear Reader, that I've been delivering a steady stream of high-quality yuks for a couple of months straight. I'm just plain beat. But thanks for checking in, and please keep in mind that I'm sticking to my same schedule as always: Whenever I feel like I've got something worth sharing.

And now, please enjoy this photograph of a cute little kitty-cat.

P.S. Thanks for the nominations, you guys. I won't win or even place, but I appreciate the thought.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:53 PM

November 19, 2004

...so I figure I can afford to catch up on my sleep

holy_crap.gif

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:28 AM

November 18, 2004

Resting on my laurels

Kind of itchy.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:44 AM

November 16, 2004

Energy-buildin', takin' all types of medicines, your ass thought you were better than...

Oh, that's just terrible.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:55 AM

Okay, talk to me

Whaddaya got?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:39 AM | Comments (32)

November 15, 2004

Two half-hearted zingers

This game show just got a lot easier.

Maybe he was saying, "All o' my skin is hurtin'!"

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:20 PM

I was going to do even more of those captions...

...but I'm just starting to feel, well, sorry for those people. What can you really do to them that they aren't doing to themselves already?

And now: A basket of puppies.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:52 PM

November 14, 2004

Oh, you young people and your pop-culture references

Redd Foxx gets his first shout-out since The Royal Family went off the air.

(I still think "Glutegate" is a better name for it, by the way, although "Buttgate" is kind of clever.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:10 AM

Ol' Dirty Cadaver

Russell Jones, R.I.P. Jones would have been 36 chambers tomorrow and is survived by an unknowable number of children.

So much for that Vice Presidential nomination.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:22 AM

November 13, 2004

And ya don't stop

Um, it's "Sorry, Everybody," not "SARS, Everybody." But thanks! *** "Investigators were able to trace the origin of the Lucky Charms Riot of 2005 back to this Internet post." *** Mea like-a! *** Gelukwensen! Vous können Sie zu scriva le parole a macchina en un traductor del Internet. *** I hope there is, man, because I don't want to go to my grave without seeing your Flock of Seagulls cover band. *** Not pictured: Empty box of Almaden, half-empty pack of "D" cells. *** (Actual size.) *** Next time, either a smaller sign or better cropping. Okay? Thanks! *** The important thing is that you did your best, s... sir? Ma'am? *** Is this where "The Color Purple" came from? *** Why do librarians hate him? Late fees? What was he doing with books anyway? *** That would be a cool band name. *** Why not? You've already got the right haircut and facial expression. *** How about right this second? *** Let me guess... prom night? *** Reading is fundamental, true, but I really don't think it could have fixed your hair. *** Dude, just think how your parents must feel. *** Why, are you moving to Korea? *** Keep looking at me like that and I just might! *** Just how much does it cost to ship a baby's head up north? *** There sure are a lot of messages from you Austrians. Well, I guess you'd know, wouldn't you. *** An hour later he was hungry... for Tim Hortons. *** No, that's just what you guys are acting like. *** If you're really sorry, you'll undo that bow. *** Okay, this one is just completely wrong. Good luck in life, kid, and learn to say no to your parents.

(Previously on MMISwT)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:08 AM

That's a total Agent Smith move, dude

The indefatigable Michele tells me that she saw somebody using a quote of mine as his message-board sig. Which is cool, except he didn't attribute it to its source, or put in a hyperlink, or anything. Oops!

Dear Thieving Nerd:

I applaud your good taste, of course, but why are you trying to make people think you came up with that quote yourself? You don't see me using other people's stuff and acting like I thought of it. Please don't do that anymore. And if you don't like it... well, excu-u-u-u-use me!!!

Your Lifelong Enemy,
James F. Treacher

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:29 AM

November 12, 2004

Quick correction

"Actually, he is helping to index the site (unwittingly)."

Oh, it's witting alright. Everybody needs to see all that Sorry. If you haven't enjoyed the Sorry yet, you don't know what you're missing!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:20 AM

If the Blue States do secede, won't that wreak havoc on the entertainment industry?

What would be the quickest route between NY and LA without violating Jesusland airspace? How long would that flight be? Maybe Letterman and Conan could start doing satellite interviews instead. You've got those satellites up there, right? May as well get some use out of them. Although... I guess the only thing you'd really have to worry about is a bunch of rednecks standing on the roofs of their barns waving their shotguns at "them dag-blasted Yankee flyin' machines." Never mind.

P.S. Here at MMISwT, have you noticed a certain lack of links to, or credulity about, that Red/Blue map? Can you draw any conclusions from that? Here's one possibility: I don't think it really means that much, unless we're going to start deciding our elections in terms of sheer surface area.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:20 AM

Photo contest reminder

I am having a photo contest.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:57 AM

November 11, 2004

Hey Spring of Triva

Watch a show called Hey Spring Of Trivia on the Spike Channel which is is a dumb name for a channel. A bunch of Japs sit around talken about trivia and pushen a button that goes Hey Hey Hey. Who knows why but they get a big kick out of it. Trivia like how Chinese Babies wear crochless pants instead of diapers so they just pee and schitt all over every thing all the. Also they kill girl babies over their like if the dad wants a boy and its a girl they just leave it out side to die. Sounds like a good way to turn your country into one big sausage fest but hey they have there own ways. Its not for me to tell you not to make your nation a big butt party so go for it. You probaly need to stand on somethen sturdy just to reach your buddys corn hole anyways on a count of you guys are so short accept for that basket ball dude. Any how other trivia you might not know is Japenese people laugh all the time at stuff you dont know why its funny must be all the radiation.

Posted by Captain Americrunch at 09:19 PM

mis Nortpin tech Puce as red buks

libry many buks

kind ladie Puce fel as gratfal

Posted by at 07:22 AM

November 10, 2004

Okay, enough of this political crap

What did you guys think about the Heat/Wizards game last night? Yeah, the Heat won, but the Wizards got over 47% of the points. Take that, Shaq!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:31 AM

Sorry, "Sorry, Everybody"

Okay, NOW all the links to these wonderful pictures should work, with an unhelpful comment about each one, regardless of who actually holds power in this country:

A vote against gay marriage. *** What, determining your gender? *** "...to... uh..." *** A young Gordon Sumner, in every way possible. *** Isn't it ironic? Doncha think? *** And then she turns them over and they say, "It's. Contagious." *** Who wants to bet his name is Sunshine and she hasn't been able to find a guy yet who likes him? *** I think "mistakes" might be a bit too self-critical, my friend, but I can see your point. *** ATTN: Child Protective Services. *** "I wish they were bigger too." *** Injury to the Eye motif. *** Prison tattoos are tough to replicate when all you've got is MS Paint and a hangover. *** "We got Coronas, though, dude. You want a Corona?" *** I don't have anything sarcastic to say about this one, but I would like to complain about her cropping skills. *** Another vote against gay marriage. *** How much? You take U.S. dollars, right? *** You just know that if you take her up on it, she'll get pissed when you remind her that she used the plural, "hugs." *** And yet another vote against gay marriage. (At first I was skeptical about this "Jesusland" stuff, but now I'm starting to wonder.) *** Well, make sure you tear up that DNR order, then. *** I don't think this guy understood what he just wrote. (Or maybe he did.) *** Heh. *** See, I can't even tell when people are being ironic anymore. *** I don't think you're going to have to worry about it for a looooong time, son. *** There was a thing with gay marriage and the pickle, but I just couldn't get the wording right. *** Okay, so maybe she doesn't keep up with recent events across the globe, but what a doll! *** I'm guessing "No," but I've been wrong before. *** Genetics, pal. Learn to live with it. *** I've already run the "gay marriage" thing into the ground, so I'll just link to this one because I like hot art students. *** 28 is enough, isn't it? Too many, probably. No. They keep uploading more and more pics. *** Tone up that bod a little, toots, and maybe you won't be so familiar with the flaccid ones. *** He was paying so much attention, in fact, that it totally distracted him from his minoxidil regimen. *** Okay, but at least the handful of us who finished grade school know how to make an "N." *** Wow, I guess snuff films aren't a myth. *** Dear Abby... (Ha ha, you must get that a lot. But seriously, I love you and I apologize too. Everybody's so phony, you know? But I feel like you and I have a connection. Please e-mail more pictures.) *** Have fun on your next trip to the bank! *** Evidence to the contrary. *** "We. Ate. All. The. Candy." *** Honestly, he doesn't look a day over 50 to me. *** Note to Tim Blair: Clear off the couch, and whatever you do, don't mention the election down there. *** Thanks, but no need. By this point we've actually gotten used to Jim Belushi. *** You know what would really show those fascists? If you beat 'em to the punch and enlisted. "Take that, Chimpy!" *** I don't know what he's been doing, but doesn't Kevin Smith look great? *** Don't worry, Quentin, I'm sure the next one will make money. *** If the gentlemen could please all adjourn to the next room, the ladies can begin. *** Anybody know which parish this priest was from? *** I don't know if this guy speaks for the whole town, but I'm glad somebody there is finally willing to say it. *** Which one was the angry Smurf? Was he just called Angry Smurf? *** This dude actually put some thought into the symbolism and stuff. (I think? If only I'd gone to college.) *** What, the other 67.9% don't keep calling you "Sir"? *** Free advice, folks: Juxtaposition. You really need to think about it as you're composing the shot. *** Look on the bright side, man, you've got a guaranteed no-show job for life at Mad Magazine. *** Okay, I really have things to do today. Places to go, homos to execute in accordance with the Holy Bible, you know how it is.

P.S. Sorry if you think it's unfair, but these people are uploading these pictures themselves. It's not like the various mullet sites, or Fat Chicks in Party Hats, or any of those. These brave heroes have gone out of their way to present themselves to the public like this. Me, I made the mistake of posting my picture on the Internet once, and I still haven't heard the end of it.

P.P.S. Quick correction.

P.P.P.S. A few more.

P.P.P.P.S. And ya don't stop.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Well, they keep posting them, don't they.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:40 AM

November 09, 2004

He's gone now, but let's try to remember the good times

My favorite Ashcroft moment was when he covered up that statue's boobies. Maybe when they put up the statue of him in Washington, DC (District of Christ), some heroic young man will spraypaint boobies on it. And get drafted for his thoughtcrime! Just... kidding?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:56 PM

I know what we should call that deal where Andrew Sullivan was on the TV scratching his hiney and everybody was like "Whaaa?":

GluteGate.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:52 PM

Is anybody else starting to think they should change the name from Boing Boing to Wolf Wolf?

It's probably just me.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:53 AM

Well, they call it that for a reason

Somehow my latest submission to The Black List didn't make it. So here it is:

The stricken look on the face of Judy Woodruff, 11/2/04: Did she just find out she had some sort of lethal, incurable, and horribly painful illness? Beloved dog died? Soufflé collapsed? What was up with Judy? Oh... Yeah. That. She looks like Miss Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies at the best of times, but on election night you could actually see her face caving into her skull. I haven't seen a brow that furrowed since somebody asked Ashton Kutcher to give them two $10s for a $5. I know I'm supposed to run screaming into the street because [Name deleted for reasons of propriety] got (re)elected and we're all gonna die, but it was kind of worth it just to see Woodruff and everybody else who thought they knew what was going on looking like they were going to faint, throw up, or faint into their throw-up. Since I know these guys won't publish this, I give it an: A+
Posted by Jim Treacher at 05:41 AM

November 08, 2004

As if the last 7 days weren't enough...

...Veronica Mars has been renewed. You know, maybe I will convert to Jesusism!

(Yeah, yeah, I know, I shouldn't be watching Veronica Mars because it's on UPN, which is the sister network of CBS, which puts on all kinds of news that isn't true. But have you seen her? Oh my [BLASPHEMY DELETED BY ROVIAN MORALITY SQUAD]. And she can act; she's like Sarah Michelle Gellar with the capacity for warmth. Plus the scripts are kind of like a weekly version of the smart, witty young-adult novels I find sometimes when I'm going through the backpacks of my victims. I usually dump most of their stuff along with them in the abandoned quarry, but I've hung onto a few of those books and they're actually pretty good. So check out that show if you haven't, it's really cool.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:06 PM

Look, she doesn't know what she's talking about, okay?

Please stop e-mailing me, because I did not abuse that kid. Americans use toilets, and they use them every single time they have to go. You can't learn, you sleep outside. I don't even know why I'm trying to explain myself to you people. You weren't there. Hey, if that old hag has any better luck training him than I did, good for her. I did the best I could. What, you don't have a phone book in your house? You've never accidentally dropped it on somebody 40 or 50 times? Please.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:18 PM

Tip for prospective advertisers

If you put a picture of an attractive young woman in your ad, within 3 days almost twice as many people will have clicked on it than on all my other ads put together. Also, if you're having trouble finding me on the Blogads site, try this category. I'm #3 right now, not that there's a lot of competition. You already know I'm #2, so why not help make it official?

Of course, if you want to eliminate the middleman:

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:13 AM

It's Clobberin' Gettin' a Footstool So I Can Reach the Cookies Time!

grimm_indeed.PNG

(Image from the upcoming Fantastic Four movie, which at one point I was kind of excited about, via Superhero Hype)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:11 AM

Links to a few things on the Internet

Kevin Pollak has a message for anybody who's seen anything he's ever done, with the exception of The Usual Suspects.

Send your 17 Reasons Michael Moore Should Reconsider His "17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists" here. My number (and only) one: Prospects for Canadian Bacon II grimmer than ever.

Is there something wrong with my computer, or is it now possible to read and link to whatever I want on the New York Times site directly? No more registration? It seems weird to have the privilege of reading the finest newspaper in the world online without having to jump through their hoops. I wonder... has something happened recently that makes them worried about losing readers who don't feel like being annoyed before they start reading the text? Nah, probably just a temporary glitch. Update: Yep, it's a glitch. I figured that couldn't be right. Whew!

I Read the Comics So You Don't Have To is cool.

New Doc Thorpe: "Music Magazines." I'm linking to it before I've even read it, because I want to savor the anticipation.

And finally, try to understand where he's coming from, folks. He's carried a grudge against retards ever since he took art classes from one.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 05:44 AM

King of Spleen

please_save_us_patton.PNGPatton Oswalt* had a really bad time on the evening of November 2, 2004. He writes about it here.

Update: A helpful reader passes along this e-mail conversation he had with the lovable CBS personality on that very topic:

From: Red S. Tate (red.redstate@gmail.com)
To: Patton Oswalt (patton@pattonoswalt.com)
Subject: Three cheers for what you wrote about election night!

Dear Diary,

As I watched the election results on my big-screen HDTV while swilling top-shelf liquor, both of which I paid for with just a minuscule share of the enormous cash torrent that flows across the entire world into my chosen field of industry every single second of every single day, I realized just how much America fucking sucks. If I didn't have to be on the set in the morning, I'd totally overthrow the government.

Power to the people (who agree with me),
Patton Oswalt

P.S. The 2004 election used to be a referendum on the war, but now it wasn't, retroactively, because the guy I voted for didn't win.

Just kidding & tee-hee,
Red S. Tate

***

From: patton@pattonoswalt.com
To: red.redstate@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Three cheers for what you wrote about election night!

Half. How much half of America sucks.

Patton

***

From: Red
To: Patton

Well, 51% / 286, but I see your point. Personally, I wouldn't want to take a 51% pay cut if I could help it. (Down at the Wal-Mart. As I like to say to anyone who'll listen, "Them shelves don't stock theirselves!") But I do admire your principles.

Red

Update 2: Daniel Frank asks, "Wouldn't that be a 53-54% pay cut?" FASCIST!

*He appears on the situation comedy The King of Queens. Or so I've read. He's also a standup comedian who I have found to be funny.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:39 AM

November 07, 2004

What's in my NetDix queue right now?

DVDs I'm waiting on:

Exit Poles
Exit Poles 2: I Demand a Remount
Exit Poles 3-D: Colon Powers Meets Donald Cumsfelt
Exit Poles IV: Surging Ahead
Cher: The Farewell Tour

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:25 PM

Hello. I have never "posted" anything on the Internet before. We have it here in the library, but it is not my job to deal with it and for that I am glad. Mankind did just fine with the printed page for hundreds of years, thank you very much.

I am "posting" this at the request of a young man named Puce Parchesceau. He is standing over my shoulder as I type this into the screen. My name is Claire Northpine, and since 1957 I have been employed by the public library in Northpine, Ohio. (Yes, I am a descendant of the founder of our little town, but that is a story I have neither the time nor inclination to convey at present.) Young Mr. Parchesceau has become a fixture here at the Northpine Public Library, which became less of a problem after I took him into my home and instructed him in American bathing practices.

As near as I can come to fathoming his strange speech, he wants everyone on the "Web" to know that he is doing well, both physically and, to the extent possible, mentally. He does walk with a limp, the result of an unfortunate incident with a Coca-Cola truck in the course of his journeys. (Again, I am extrapolating this explanation from what he has attempted to tell me. His accent does not seem to emanate from any country with which I am familiar, although it does sound vaguely Eastern European.) However, he is able-bodied enough to assist me with various chores around the house, such as organizing the root cellar and trimming my corns. He seems to have been abused horribly in the recent past, and I believe that a little discipline and a lot of hard work is just the thing to straighten his spine. Also, I am teaching him to play the ocarina.

Well, it is nearly time to open. (Our Sunday hours are 1 to 5 p.m., and we will thank you to dress appropriately.) I do hope you enjoy your "Net." Now Puce, dear, please wheel me back to the front desk.

Posted by at 12:55 PM

Another One Bites the Dust

Thats a song by Queen who did some kick ass tunes for a bunch of peter smokers. Its also what happened to this little dork. Sayanora dipschitt. Thats Jap talk for you suck. I dont know how I do it it either folks.

In other good news maybe your Red State hasent hit the ground runnen but here they just repeeled the ban on shooten phags. About time too your ol pal the Crunch Man hadent bagged one in almost 12 years up til this yester this week. Now its Goodbye Nancy. Kind of fun to watch em run but then you got to put em down. Them rump workers know how to throw a funeral Ill give em that. Now if youll excuse me Im late for church.

Also this phukker is tryen to bite the Crunchsters style and hes gonna wish he hadent.

Posted by Captain Americrunch at 07:51 AM

November 05, 2004

Try to catch up on your sleep this weekend

I think we all need it. Also, drink lots and lots of beer, wine, and distilled spirits to either celebrate, mourn, or, in my case, keep the subcutaneous bugs from waking up. AND STAY OFF THE INTERNET FOR AT LEAST 48 HOURS. THAT IS AN ORDER.

Fare thee well, Dear Reader!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:51 PM

Get Your God On

David "Get Your War On" Rees writes:

CAMPAIGN 2004

Fo' More Years
Ten reasons I'm voting for you, Mr. George W. Bush.

BY DIM PREACHER
Monday, November 1, 2004 12:01 a.m. EST

1. Jesus told me to.
2. Jesus told me to.
3. Jesus told me to.
4. Jesus told me to.
5. Jesus told me to.
6. Jesus told me to.
7. Jesus told me to.
8. Jesus told me to.
9. Jesus told me to.
10. Jesus told me to.

This is why he gets the big bucks, folks! (Click here for the original, which he's obviously improved upon.)

Well, I definitely see what he's saying, but I wouldn't worry about it too much, you guys. By the time we've all been forcibly converted to Christianity, and anyone who dares to speak out has been drafted, skullchip-implanted, and sent down to Guantanamo to operate and maintain the queer-shredders running 24 hours a day, In Accordance With Rove™... Bush will have destroyed the world anyway. Let's party!

P.S. "Dim Preacher," hmmm... I smell a great new merchandising opportunity.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:33 AM

This seemed too good to leave in Michael J. Totten's comments

Michael was talking about all the rending of garments over the Zombie Hordes of Theo-cons. As he put it:

The crazies are taking over is a lot easier to swallow than we fucked up and lost.

And I was like:

It's kind of fitting that the Dawn of the Dead DVD came out right in time for the election. Every time I see that county-by-county map, I think of the fake DotD newscast, and the map with the zombie outbreak spreading by the hour. Within a day, the whole country is overrun except for a few pockets of resistance, and the newscasters are reeling. Sound familiar?

If this election has you in mourning, folks, pick up that DVD and be comforted. Go, Blue States! You are the only thing saving humanity from the mindless zombie hordes. They're ugly, they dress horribly, they can't be reasoned with, and they eat everything in their path. Head shots! It's the only way.

All this talk of monsters. Must be the leftover Halloween candy. Plus, yes, the monster in the White House, etc.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:44 AM

November 04, 2004

"More people voted for Kerry than Reagan"

This, according to that one heavyset guy with the baseball hat and the documentary that was going to cost somebody the election. (And maybe it did. (The documentary, not the hat. (Although the hat, not such a big help either.))) I'm just trying to figure out... so... Kerry is more vital than any other corpse? Is that it? Is it some kind of veiled Frankenstein joke?

That would fit the whole Universal Monsters motif. Bush is Dracula, after all. I guess that would make Nader the Wolf Man. Every full moon, he undergoes a remarkable transformation into someone interesting. Nah, too far-fetched. The Mummy? That might work, as long as his wrappings are made of durable, environment-friendly hemp.

Anyway. I'll look around and see if I can find some video of Reagan's concession speech. You just knew if you waited long enough...

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:58 PM

First you'll need to grow some genitals, kid

oooh_tough_guy.PNG

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:22 PM

Comments

Yeah. Until I can figure out how to do one of those spam-blocking things, where you have to type in a randomly generated number to prove you're a human, we won't be having comments. You'll live.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:05 PM

I'm usually very private about this sort of thing, but to celebrate tonight's season premiere, here's a glimpse at my latest The O.C. slash fic

Seth Cohen raised his tousled black curls from the wet beach. "Where am I," he croaked, wiping sand from the adorable cleft in his chin. His cheeks were even narrower than usual due to his many weeks aboard the catamaran without food, accentuating his fine (if gruesomely sunburned) features.

He could barely see because of dehydration and sunstroke, but he could make out the blurry shape of a man approaching from a line of palm trees across the blazing white sand. "Help," Seth moaned through his full, horribly cracked lips. "Help me. I just want to go back to Orange County and read comics with Ryan. I miss Summer like Greedo missed Han. Except, y'know, with more of a sexual kind of vibe. Anyway, help me, please."

"Just relax, son," the man said. He knelt down, grabbing the shoulders of Seth's no-longer-too-small B.J. and the Bear t-shirt and turning him over. With strong yet gentle hands, the man cradled Seth's head and raised a bottle of water to his lips. "Here, drink this. Slowly, now." Seth gulped at it and tried not to think about how the whole thing might look if the soccer team was standing there.

"You've been through quite an ordeal, young man. Judging by your facial blistering and overall muscle loss, it looks to me like you've been drifting for over a month. You're lucky you washed up here when you did. Much like the protagonist of Daniel Defoe's classic novel Robinson Crusoe, your 'Life was sav'd in a Case wherein there was, some Minutes before, scarce any room to hope.'"

"Thanks," Seth gasped, recognizing the reference but unable to come up with a riff. He couldn't see the man clearly, but he could make out the shape of his smooth, hairless head and appreciated the smoldering timbre of his voice. "Who are you? Where am I? Is--is this Tahiti? Did I make it?"

"As for the 'where'? Well, son, your guess is as good as mine. But you may call me...

"Mr. Locke."

(Previous fanfic here)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:46 AM

Bad news for Jesusland

Ashcroft to resign?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:09 AM

I'm no doctor or anything, but...

...have they tried pulling out the stake?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:49 AM

"...follicles died!"

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(Via Low Culture)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:38 AM

But seriously, folks

"Well, Bush won. I think it's a good lesson for the media and Hollywood. The lesson is, don't lecture people and don't tell them what to do as if you know what's best for them. It's arrogant and then people do the opposite. Do you hear me?" -- Colin Quinn, Tough Crowd (Which, what a coincidence, is airing its final episode tonight at 11:30 EST on Comedy Central)

P.S. Anybody else out there ever play Little League? You know how after you lost a game, your team had to go shake hands with the other team and say "Good game" even though you didn't really want to? Oh, no reason.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:55 AM

November 03, 2004

I'm exhausted, but one last thought before I go soak my pillow (with tears (mostly))

As several people who are a lot smarter than me have pointed out, the situation in Ohio is an exact repeat of Florida in 2000: A presidential election hinging on a paltry handful of votes in a single state. A few backwards-ass counties, using controversial voting methods, being allowed to thwart the will of an entire nation! That's why it's imperative that we get rid of the stupid, confusing, antiquated electoral college system and decide it with a nationwide popular vote. It's the only way to keep the wrong candidate from getting elected yet again.

What?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:57 PM

Damn Right People

Im pretty phukked up at the moment so Ill keep it brief but I just want to say all you Holly Weird commie phagets can suck it. Alright then.

Posted by Captain Americrunch at 03:41 PM

Thsi as not haping

Posted by at 03:29 PM

Buzzmachine gets results

Jarvis said:

Dear Sen. Kerry,

: Please concede today.

And then, the very same day... this.

Jeff, as disappointed as I am right now that you're giving in to the Rethugs, could you please publicly call upon Salma Hayek to come over to my house and provide certain to-be-announced services for no less a term than 1 calendar month?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:41 PM

You're damn right America could use a laugh

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Remember when there was a Nazi we could all get behind?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:24 PM

OK

Go.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:24 AM | Comments (14)

Keeping your head while all those around you are losing theirs

Oliver: "They hate us, and we should hate them."

Matt: "I would caution anyone against deluding themselves into believing that a second Bush term won't be so bad."

Kevin: "Oh, and one more thing: screw the youth vote."

Jerome: "Howard Dean needs to become the Chairman of the Democratic Party."

John: "The newspaper today says that millions of young people who said they were anti-Bush and who were registered to vote Democratic *didn't show up at the polls.* They were too busy playing Grand Theft Auto or renting Jerry Bruckheimer movies or smoking weed or babbling in chatrooms. It's their fault we're heading into a theocracy."

Teresa: "225 years is a pretty good run for a republic, historically speaking."

Armed: "The problem isn't the message machine; it's that the core activists in the Democratic Party have managed to walk away from the values that most people in this country hold, and persist in looking at the electorate as if it's the one with the problems. The majority of people in this country don't want gays put in camps, they don't want a theocracy, they don't believe in 'shoot first, talk later'. And as long as you believe they do, you'll lose, and you'll take my party with you." (Oops! How did this one get in here?)

Priya & Corrie: "In truth, if there hadn't been 'The Daily Show' every night to depend upon, there would have been very little fun for any of us this year."

Patton: "If Bush wins, then we all surf a turd, Slim Pickens-style, into the maelstrom of history's dustbin. Blue and red. And purple, whatever the fuck that was. Right on top of Ancient Rome, Prussia, Spain and Great Britain in the 1880's."

Jane: "Progressives have only one course of action now: React quickly to every outrage—red state types love to cheat and intimidate, so we have to assume the worst and call them on it every time. We have to give them more to think about than they can handle—to always appeal to reason and common sense, and the law, even when they can't understand it and don't respond."

Xeni: "Four more years of a nation led by criminals... I called my dad, a man who's spent many years fighting for good things, sometimes at great personal cost. 'Get over it,' he said, 'The way you feel now is exactly how I felt when Nixon won a second term -- crushed. I just couldn't believe America was that stupid. But remember what happened to Nixon that term.' ... BoingBoing reader Dave in the UK writes, 'As a British citizen, I just can't understand why. Does the British media unfairly portray Bush, or are more than half of American voters just fucking stupid?' ... Well, presuming that the elections were fairly conducted and accurately counted -- which remains a matter of some debate -- I'm going with the latter."

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:03 AM

I mean, do you really want to live in a world where some stupid redneck's vote counts as much as Ashton Kutcher's?

I sure as hell don't! This is an outrage. This is not over. We cannot let Rove get away with this!

FUUUUUUCK!!!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:28 AM

Kerry Conceited

Wait, is that what they said? I'm in mourning and I can't be held responsible for my actions or overreactions.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:12 AM

November 02, 2004

I'm really upset right now and I'm dealing with it through poetry

I watched Freedom die today
Farewell, Freedom
Farewell, Freedom
A drugged-out monkey flied today
Farewell, Freedom
Farewell

Air Force One is still his ride
Farewell, Freedom
Farewell, Freedom
'Cause it's the day that Freedom died
Farewell, Freedom
Fare... well?

***

Here I am, stuck in this chair
Never walking isn't fair
Bush and Cheney made my hopes
As useless as my spine, those dopes

***

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bush stole another election

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:55 PM

You break my heart, America. Goodbye. Goodbye.

canada-flag.gif

Update: Nooooooooo!!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:06 PM

I know, I know

I'm posting this in the 30-second window while I can still access the dang page. We done broke the Internet, y'all.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:52 PM

Yeah, I can see why they don't want me lowering the tone...

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Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:50 PM

Today is the day people are making their voices heard on the most important issue of our time:

Just exactly how much do I suck?

P.S. Don't be hatin'. I think the reaction is pretty funny, myself, so just relax. There's plenty of stress to go around already without adding to it.

P.P.S. Two clarifications: 1. That was on the OpinionJournal site, not in the pages of the WSJ itself. I hope nobody else bought the paper yesterday looking for it. (That thing is heavy! And kind of boring.) 2. If you use a celebrity's name in a joke, it means the joke is about that celebrity and nothing else. There is no other possibility.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:34 AM

VOT CARY

halp

sum as pas halp

Posted by at 03:23 AM

November 01, 2004

More reviews!

The people have spoken! In no particular order...

Lucianne.com: [Fairly standard outrage, but with delightful notes of jaded amusement and embarrassed realization, and a crisp "whatever" finish]

rtsb@comcast.net: "suffocate on the stench from your rotten asshole! i've smelled pig pens but they can't compare to the stench you produce, shithead!"

That one guy: "The end times are truly upon us..."

Hubris: "I Hate Jim Treacher"

Michele: "Really."

La Shawn: "Unbelievable."

The Smoking Room: "Hitlering It Out of the Park"

Cody Cox: "Feel free to put my email up for ridicule!! I just wanted to commend your bravery in mocking Christopher Reeve. He certainly deserves it. You are one classy guy and you represent your party well." [We'll pass that along to Larry Harmon. -- ed.]

The Writing Company: "I fully expect at least some of this material to find its way into Osama bin Laden's next videotape." (Be sure to check out the graphic.)

MartiniPundit: "It amazes me that the Left fails to understand it can’t use the same talking points for satire as well as serious discourse (at least, as serious as they can get). I suppose it could be a self-parody, but that would make this a unique specimen."

basun@poluha.se: "För den som ännu inte tagit ställning i presidentvalet (i USA alltså) kommer här 10 skäl att inte rösta på Bush. Det är Jim Treacher som skriver i Wall Street Journal."

Chaffin: "Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!"

MYANKYDOO: "....my guess is that you were abused..... probably an alcoholic family wrecked havoc in your formative years....how else to explain the inane drivel from your website......."

Meryl Yourish: "You said you'd update your post. I insulted you, it was even sort of funny, and you ignore me. I'm so hurt."

whiteyschwartz@yahoo.com: "Calling Bush Hitler. Brilliant. Truly brilliant. So few people realize that Bush is at least as bad as the most despicable tyrant and murderer in modern history. After all, Hitler was responsible for the death of millions of innocent people who were slaughtered because they were jews. Not to mention slaughtering millions of Poles, Brits, Austrians, French, Belgians, Russians, Danes, North Africans, etc,etc. Clearly Bush is at least as bad. I hope everyone reads your 10 reasons so they too will realize, like I have, that you are truly a great thinker."

Wonkette: "Of course, [Bush] totally sold me with the debates: any man who explains a mystery bulge as bad tailoring is more than confident enough to take on the Euroweenies. But in the end, with the fate of the free world at stake and all, I've got to go with the guy who would admit that sending thousands of American soldiers and Iraqi civilians to their deaths to protect us from imaginary weapons was, in fact, a mistake."

connorsbuf86@yahoo.com: "Please keep the Abu Graib jokes coming. You're a lock for the Mark Twain humor prize."

caughtintheact@gmail.com: "If George Bush were a Nazi, think of where you would be!!"

MoonbatF/911: "I want to compliment you on your fine article exposing the lies and treachery of HitlerBush. I do, however have one problem. As I count the reasons you gave I only come up with 9 actual reasons, but there are ten numbers. How can this be? I have gone over it again and again and I can't figure it out. I have tallied the actual numerals you posted, there's 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and then 5 and 6, 7 and 8 and 9 and lastly 10. BUT THERE ARE ONLY NINE REASONS!! " [The missing one is at Guantanamo. -- ed.]

mdyson1073@comcast.net: "It may have been satire to you, but it was not funny!"

Ray Curiale: "You're weird, but funny. Though I wouldn't want you marrying my daughter."

Stephen Leonard: "Come on, guys! Think! Yes, it's clearly satire, and yes, you put the disclaimer at the end, but you can bet that the Angry Left will be including in their hysterical message today that, at last, even The Wall Street Journal has come out against President Bush. And that may well convince the five undecided Ohio voters who will determine the election to vote for Mr. Kerry. Bad move."

Lorelei Herres: "Good satire is a rarity. This article does nothing to alleviate the shortage."

Thomas Lawrence: "Have you ever seen Arnold polka or Cheney rumba? How 'bout Forbes yodeling or McCain rapping? When's the last time a Republican told a good joke? I think what we have here is an attempt at irony that falls as leaden as a sack of bronzed chads! Perhaps it's the all-white legacy (Allen Forbes can't get down either!) or the Protestantism in the genes, but there's a certain sense of rhythm missing, a lack of talent for subtlety and nuance. Republicans should stick to what they know best: Making money and thanking God for making them capable and hungry for making money."

James Taranto: "How could anyone read 'Two words: You. Are. Dumb.' and not get that it's a joke????"

Here are the Technorati page, the blogsnow page, and the Memeorandum link, as well as the previous reviews, in the unlikely event that anybody else is as interested in me as I am. I'll update throughout the day if I see anything particularly blogworthy. Kind of an interesting reaction so far. Plus the flow of traffic from an OpinionJournal is a lot different than that from one of your Instapundits or the like. I feel like I'm becoming a connoisseur of undeserved attention.

Oh, and just because I'm not being enough of an ass already, could I ask a favor of everybody who's been cutting-and-pasting the whole thing? Could you just put up an excerpt and then a link to either here or OpinionJournal, so people will click over to be offended by the rest? It's more the principle of it than anything else, but I'd appreciate it. Thanks in advance for indulging my ego.

P.S. Sorry if the page is slow today. Not sure what's up with the new Blogad. That Bill Murray movie looks kind of cool, though. Would it be self-destructive to show Disney this? Yeah?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:37 AM

ELECTION EVE SHOCKER!!!

OpinionJournal has the latest bombshell. This... this is big, people. This could change everything.

P.S. If you're among the 99% who are visiting this page for the first time, all praise, complaints, death threats, and proposals of marriage may be directed here. Or, feel free to scroll down and Experience the Dumbness™.

Thank you and enjoy your visit!

(Oh, and would this be a good time to point out that you can buy a Blogad, or maybe click the Paypal link in the right-hand column of the main page? Probably not.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:01 AM