Jim Treacher's Blog That Is on the Internet

Bored

With apologies to Jay Pinkerton

(Josh read it so I didn't have to.)

Blog the blogs with blogs of bloggy, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blog

Back by popular request (well, one guy)

These still make me chuckle a little bit, so why not trot them out again:

Happy Holidays!

From the vaults, because why not

Nerds only

Click the "Continue Reading" link, and enjoy.

This guy liked it almost as much.

Won't be having it in this house

Oh, Hell Nyet: The Viktor Yushchenko Story

Thank you, friends, wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you

My relentless begging catapulted me to seventh place! Congrats to Scrappleface, and thanks again to everybody who voted for me (legally).

Newspaper Guy Understands Blogging

Among the tips for being the awesomest blogger possible, from Mike Peed (seriously):

When a blogger adds new material, it's called a post. And good blogging demands frequent posting. Biz Stone, 30, Blogger senior specialist at Google (www.bizstone.com), recommends you "post at least as much as you eat." That's "three times a day [with] some snacks," he says. But that requires a lot of time. So perhaps more important is to make your posts worth people's while. Jason Novak, 33, who's hosted the Washington entertainment guide LifeInTheDistrict.com since 2001, says that "what brings [readers] back is that every time . . . there's something good." And "good" extends beyond volume, which means you'll want to avoid the dreaded "blogorrhea" -- aka incessant prattle about your jerk boss or second-rate love life.

Just in case you missed it:

Perhaps more important is to make your posts worth people's while. "Good" extends beyond volume.

(Oh, no reason.)

P.S. "Since Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck has been in 21 movies, but Matt Damon has only been in 20. Affleck wins!"

Also

Go here and vote for A Small Victory.

P.S. Oh, and vote for me. Sixth place, we can do it!

P.P.S. Just .2%, like 60 votes. 60 real votes, that is, and thanks but no thanks to whoever.

My favorite Scrappleface headline ever

Wait, isn't that every Scrappleface headline? Ha ha, just kidding. Sometimes the headline actually points out something really obvious that you knew already. No, I'm joking around! It's all in good fun.

Well, I don't want to speak too soon, but it doesn't look like I'm going to take the top spot in that poll I've mentioned once or twice. But I can at least pose a mild threat to a blog named after an aquatic bird, can't I? An aquatic bird who gave up days ago? Can I get to within a percentage point? Even if you think I suck the most, I deserve that much. I've been doing this dumb blog for going on 3 years now, and for some of that time I've actually tried. Hell, I even turned down a lucrative assistant manager position at Arby's because it was going to interfere with my blogging. Somebody else is wearing that nametag now, so I really think you people owe me. You've got one day left to vote. Let's see some hustle out there.

Well, thanks to Steve, Michele, Jim K., Tim, Frank, and anybody I'm missing, for being nice to me. Everybody who's been voting for me, I appreciate it. Maybe next year I'll soar all the way up to the top 1/3rd of the nominees. (If I'm still doing this a year from now. Oh, knock on wood!)

Go ahead

Say it. Just say it.

Things to Do in London When You're Defenceless

I live in the United States of America, where if somebody breaks into your home and threatens you and your loved ones, you're allowed to use any amount of force necessary to defend yourself, up to and including nuclear weaponry. In England, it's different. As if it's not bad enough just to have to live there, the victim of a burglary can't do a thing to stand up for himself. If some "bloke" breaks into your "flat" and you give him so much as a "dry slap," you get life in "gaol" and he's allowed to stop by once a week to make you his "luv."

But there's still hope for you poor sunless bastards. Here's some advice for the burgled, from a Dr. Ian Stephen (not to be confused with Dr. Stephen Ian, if such a person exists, which is likely because they all have names like that):

"In most cases the best form of defence [This is how they spell it. -- ed.] is always avoidance. If this isn't possible, act passively, be careful what you say or do, and give up valuables without a struggle. This allows the victim to take charge of the situation, without the intruder's awareness, through subtle and non-confrontational means."

Makes sense to me. Here's some other good advice to remember, "mates," the next time you want to take control of a housejacking:

• Hit the intruder's fists, knees, elbows, and feet with your face, ribcage, and genitals. This will subtly wear him down and require him to stop for a glass of water.
• On a related note, robbery is thirsty work, and a parched burglar is an angry burglar. If all you've got is tap water, you're just asking for trouble. Try to keep a wide selection of beverages on hand at all times, just in case. This will subtly lull your new friend into a false sense of comfort and good cheer, giving you the chance to crawl out of the room for a change of underwear before the smell requires him to punish you further.
• Refer to the home-invader as "massuh." This will impose a subtle feeling of guilt on the misguided victim of society, causing him to pause briefly for self-reflection in the course of upending your laundry room for hidden jewelry or drugs. In another 30-60 years, he will die of natural causes and cease all criminal activity.
• Many wealth-redistributors are atheist or agnostic, as is their right. Try to avoid offending your guest with thoughtless phrases such as "Please, God, help me," "Oh Christ, I can't feel my legs," or "Jesus, Jesus, there's so much blood."
• If at all possible, prevent the problem entirely by not living indoors. No home = No possibility of home invasion! Divest yourself of all personal possessions and take up a crimefree outdoor urban lifestyle.

See? It's "easy-peasy." So chin up, Clive! Er, well, you know what I mean.

P.S. Vote. Tell everybody you know to vote.

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

It doesn't have to be this way. You know what you need to do.

Update: Seventh place, that's a good start. Now vote, vote, vote every day!

Consider it your punishment for not voting

I'm going to keep on it until you start to see the picture. You need to get going over here. Right now I'm at 2.6% out of around 35,000 votes, which is... [math math math] ...like 900 votes or so? I'm getting around 1,200 unique visits per day, so that means not even all you regulars are voting for me. You need to get your mind right, and I mean now.

Nothing against the other nominees, of course. I'm sure they're all worthwhile in their own way. Or, each one is, in his or her individual way, as far as being worthwhile, is what I'm saying. But come on, man. Eighth place? You guys just don't care, do you. You just don't care. Well, you'll care when I turn this thing into a Moore/Rall/Kos fansite. Leave me in eighth place and just see if I don't.

Perfect Hair Forever

Anybody know where I can find this? I figure if you're reading this and you know what I'm talking about, you'd know where to find it. Also, Anime Talk Show?

Do You Know the Difference Between Big Wood and Brush?

Story of my life

Taranto might have given his endorsement for Best Humor Blog to somebody else, but I just gave my endorsement to the check he sent me for writing this. So at least this year I can afford some Christmas presents for my precious daughter Janie. Daddy's keeping his promise this year, honey!

Hey wait, I do not and never will have children. Even better. More for me! Suck on that, nonexistent offspring.

P.S. If any big shots want to endorse me so I can at least make the Top 7, that would be awesome. Thanks in advance.

P.P.S. Finally, someone with the necessary level of discernment.

That other poll is quite obviously rigged, so here's one that's a little more fair

Various unrelated items that you can read if you want

Things I Have Posted in '04 That Might Make People Want to Vote for Me as Funniest Blogger Blog Person of Internet

In chronological order only, mind you:

• Remixing Howard Dean
• Proving that Beyonce has bodily functions
• Solving the gay-marriage issue once and for all
• Being dull (on purpose this time)
• Saying mean things about successful cartoonists
• Not having ever watched Friends
• Making light of a very serious medical condition
• Watching movie trailers so you don't have to
• Trying, at least
• Mocking Michael Moore, Pt. Gazillion
• Pretending to be somebody I'm not
• Channelling David Foster Wallace
• Helping Dan
• Pointing out Presidential anachronisms, Pt. 1
• Pointing out Presidential anachronisms, Pt. 2
• Pointing out Presidential anachronisms, Pt. 3
• Pointing out Presidential anachronisms, The Final Chapter
• Coming up with something that people still don't seem to get, but they like it anyway, so what the heck
• Connecting some dots
• Cracking myself up, at least
• Continuing with the "Dan Rather has mental problems" theme
• Ditto
• Ditto
• Not daring to mess with Cathy Seipp
• Writing poorly (on purpose this time)
• Cracking myself up again
• Reminding you that Dan Rather is nuts
• Forgetting that Microsoft Paint is not a toy
• Damning my soul to Hell, Pt. 1
• Damning my soul to Hell, Pt. 2
• Beginning a "saga"
• Introducing yet another idiot
• Dealing with my own weight issues by mocking those of others
• Still
• Making a list
• Giving OBL the treatment he deserves
• Working through the grief of Black Tuesday
• Still working
• Just being myself
• Finally showing my Seth Cohen slash fic to the world
• Lashing out at one of my favorite comedians just because I disagree with him
• Not making any friends
• Sorrying the sorries sorrylistically

If you still feel like voting after that, please go here.

Please resubmit your entries to the photo contest

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I no longer have any of those pictures. Sorry. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here.

Thursday is Anything Can Happen Day!

Which is why I'm posting something. So Cathy Seipp's latest column is all about why Bill O'Reilly is a tear-stained wussy. She doesn't put it in quite those terms, but that's the gist of it. (She also links to me, but the link is broken, so I guess I'm half-grateful. (Oh, and I hereby rescind my Olbermann recommendation in that post. June '03 seems like a loooong time ago.)) It would be fun to seal O'Reilly in an airtight room with Al Franken, Racist, and take bets on how long the oxygen lasts.

Speaking of feigning gratitude for the purposes of self-aggrandizement, I guess you can vote for me in the Best Humor Blog deal over here. It would be funny if I won, wouldn't it? Not really "funny ha-ha," but still. Well, I'm sure that won't be a problem.