December 28, 2004

Bored

stretch.JPG

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:08 PM | Comments (14)

December 27, 2004

With apologies to Jay Pinkerton

(Josh read it so I didn't have to.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:03 AM | Comments (4)

December 22, 2004

Blog the blogs with blogs of bloggy, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blog

What happens to a man who thinks he's clever when he insults a man who actually is? If he's particularly unlucky: This.

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Already forgot what you said in 2004? Don't worry: Tim Blair remembers. He sees you when you're seething! He knows when you're a wank!

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Wonkette's Rathergate summary: "Fake But(tsex) Accurate"

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Joey deVilla reveals the very first use of the word "blog." In 1959!

yep.jpg


Yep.

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Speaking of old comics, I thought this was funny.

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Well, have a good Red State Fascist Antiquated Gift-Giving Ceremony for Capitalist Racist Rednecks!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:33 PM | Comments (9)

December 20, 2004

Back by popular request (well, one guy)

These still make me chuckle a little bit, so why not trot them out again:







Happy Holidays!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:38 AM | Comments (8)

December 18, 2004

From the vaults, because why not

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:29 AM | Comments (8)

December 17, 2004

Nerds only

Click the "Continue Reading" link, and enjoy.


This guy liked it almost as much.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:20 PM

Won't be having it in this house

An autopsy has revealed that Ol' Dirty Bastard's death was due to a cocaine overdose. Oddly, the cocaine was in a plastic bag in his stomach. Why?
Wanted to keep drugs fresh, dry
Great way to hide stash from floating ghost-worms
No other snacks available
Didn't have any condoms to put it in
N**** crazy
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com
Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:30 AM

December 13, 2004

Oh, Hell Nyet: The Viktor Yushchenko Story

that_would_suck.PNG

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:03 PM

Thank you, friends, wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you

My relentless begging catapulted me to seventh place! Congrats to Scrappleface, and thanks again to everybody who voted for me (legally).

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:24 AM

December 12, 2004

Newspaper Guy Understands Blogging

Among the tips for being the awesomest blogger possible, from Mike Peed (seriously):

When a blogger adds new material, it's called a post. And good blogging demands frequent posting. Biz Stone, 30, Blogger senior specialist at Google (www.bizstone.com), recommends you "post at least as much as you eat." That's "three times a day [with] some snacks," he says. But that requires a lot of time. So perhaps more important is to make your posts worth people's while. Jason Novak, 33, who's hosted the Washington entertainment guide LifeInTheDistrict.com since 2001, says that "what brings [readers] back is that every time . . . there's something good." And "good" extends beyond volume, which means you'll want to avoid the dreaded "blogorrhea" -- aka incessant prattle about your jerk boss or second-rate love life.


Just in case you missed it:

Perhaps more important is to make your posts worth people's while. "Good" extends beyond volume.

(Oh, no reason.)

P.S. "Since Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck has been in 21 movies, but Matt Damon has only been in 20. Affleck wins!"

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:33 AM

December 11, 2004

Also

Go here and vote for A Small Victory.

P.S. Oh, and vote for me. Sixth place, we can do it!

P.P.S. Just .2%, like 60 votes. 60 real votes, that is, and thanks but no thanks to whoever.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:27 PM

My favorite Scrappleface headline ever

The Opposite of What Would Really Happen Happens
"I Wasn't Expecting That to Happen," Says Noted Figure

Wait, isn't that every Scrappleface headline? Ha ha, just kidding. Sometimes the headline actually points out something really obvious that you knew already. No, I'm joking around! It's all in good fun.

Well, I don't want to speak too soon, but it doesn't look like I'm going to take the top spot in that poll I've mentioned once or twice. But I can at least pose a mild threat to a blog named after an aquatic bird, can't I? An aquatic bird who gave up days ago? Can I get to within a percentage point? Even if you think I suck the most, I deserve that much. I've been doing this dumb blog for going on 3 years now, and for some of that time I've actually tried. Hell, I even turned down a lucrative assistant manager position at Arby's because it was going to interfere with my blogging. Somebody else is wearing that nametag now, so I really think you people owe me. You've got one day left to vote. Let's see some hustle out there.

logo.jpg

Well, thanks to Steve, Michele, Jim K., Tim, Frank, and anybody I'm missing, for being nice to me. Everybody who's been voting for me, I appreciate it. Maybe next year I'll soar all the way up to the top 1/3rd of the nominees. (If I'm still doing this a year from now. Oh, knock on wood!)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:45 AM

December 10, 2004

Go ahead

Say it. Just say it.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:05 PM | Comments (25)

Things to Do in London When You're Defenceless

I live in the United States of America, where if somebody breaks into your home and threatens you and your loved ones, you're allowed to use any amount of force necessary to defend yourself, up to and including nuclear weaponry. In England, it's different. As if it's not bad enough just to have to live there, the victim of a burglary can't do a thing to stand up for himself. If some "bloke" breaks into your "flat" and you give him so much as a "dry slap," you get life in "gaol" and he's allowed to stop by once a week to make you his "luv."

But there's still hope for you poor sunless bastards. Here's some advice for the burgled, from a Dr. Ian Stephen (not to be confused with Dr. Stephen Ian, if such a person exists, which is likely because they all have names like that):

"In most cases the best form of defence [This is how they spell it. -- ed.] is always avoidance. If this isn't possible, act passively, be careful what you say or do, and give up valuables without a struggle. This allows the victim to take charge of the situation, without the intruder's awareness, through subtle and non-confrontational means."

Makes sense to me. Here's some other good advice to remember, "mates," the next time you want to take control of a housejacking:

  • Hit the intruder's fists, knees, elbows, and feet with your face, ribcage, and genitals. This will subtly wear him down and require him to stop for a glass of water.
  • On a related note, robbery is thirsty work, and a parched burglar is an angry burglar. If all you've got is tap water, you're just asking for trouble. Try to keep a wide selection of beverages on hand at all times, just in case. This will subtly lull your new friend into a false sense of comfort and good cheer, giving you the chance to crawl out of the room for a change of underwear before the smell requires him to punish you further.
  • Refer to the home-invader as "massuh." This will impose a subtle feeling of guilt on the misguided victim of society, causing him to pause briefly for self-reflection in the course of upending your laundry room for hidden jewelry or drugs. In another 30-60 years, he will die of natural causes and cease all criminal activity.
  • Many wealth-redistributors are atheist or agnostic, as is their right. Try to avoid offending your guest with thoughtless phrases such as "Please, God, help me," "Oh Christ, I can't feel my legs," or "Jesus, Jesus, there's so much blood."
  • If at all possible, prevent the problem entirely by not living indoors. No home = No possibility of home invasion! Divest yourself of all personal possessions and take up a crimefree outdoor urban lifestyle.

See? It's "easy-peasy." So chin up, Clive! Er, well, you know what I mean.

P.S. Vote. Tell everybody you know to vote.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:29 AM

December 09, 2004

Oh, you think I'm kidding?

luv.jpg

It doesn't have to be this way. You know what you need to do.

Update: Seventh place, that's a good start. Now vote, vote, vote every day!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:41 PM

December 08, 2004

Consider it your punishment for not voting

I'm going to keep on it until you start to see the picture. You need to get going over here. Right now I'm at 2.6% out of around 35,000 votes, which is... [math math math] ...like 900 votes or so? I'm getting around 1,200 unique visits per day, so that means not even all you regulars are voting for me. You need to get your mind right, and I mean now.

Nothing against the other nominees, of course. I'm sure they're all worthwhile in their own way. Or, each one is, in his or her individual way, as far as being worthwhile, is what I'm saying. But come on, man. Eighth place? You guys just don't care, do you. You just don't care. Well, you'll care when I turn this thing into a Moore/Rall/Kos fansite. Leave me in eighth place and just see if I don't.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:08 PM

Perfect Hair Forever

Anybody know where I can find this? I figure if you're reading this and you know what I'm talking about, you'd know where to find it. Also, Anime Talk Show?

You're a boy who was a man who is a tree
Perfect hair forever

In life there are sometimes consequences to the actions a hero must face
To the end of the universe
Watch out for bears, to them you are spaghetti dinner
Perfect hair forever

Keep on ****in' in Paris
Keep on ****in' in Paris
Keep on ****in' in Paris
Love, love, love, you're dead
But don't die
Go to the mountain where those people are
Perfect hair forever

Buy some things to bring them to the mountain
The mountain which does not exist
Fulfill your destiny, do that thing to that guy
Play that trick on him
Pee-pee in your Coke
Old Chinese joke
Perfect hair forever

Recording this today at 2:30
Time for dentist
Tooth hurty
Lights went out, it might be 2:40
Perfect hair forever

Dance
Dance
Dance all night
Get real funky
Wanna get hot
Hot all night
Hot all night
Night, night, night
Night all night
Night all dance
Dance, dance
Dance

Do You Know the Difference Between Big Wood and Brush?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:48 AM | Comments (20)

Story of my life

tombstone.jpg

Taranto might have given his endorsement for Best Humor Blog to somebody else, but I just gave my endorsement to the check he sent me for writing this. So at least this year I can afford some Christmas presents for my precious daughter Janie. Daddy's keeping his promise this year, honey!

Hey wait, I do not and never will have children. Even better. More for me! Suck on that, nonexistent offspring.

P.S. If any big shots want to endorse me so I can at least make the Top 7, that would be awesome. Thanks in advance.

P.P.S. Finally, someone with the necessary level of discernment.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:02 AM

December 07, 2004

That other poll is quite obviously rigged, so here's one that's a little more fair

Which is the most funniest blog in the history of always?
Mother, May I Sleep with Treacher?
JimTreacher.com
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com
Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:32 PM

Various unrelated items that you can read if you want

Hey, it turns out you can vote in that Best Humor Blog poll every day. So that'll give me you something to do. I'm in 8th place right now, because I'm not funny.

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Don't you hate hospitals? I hate hospitals.

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I was going to do a fake news story about Doc Brown from Back to the Future throwing his hat into the ring for the '04 presidential race. (Get it???) But then various things have prevented me from doing so, not the least of which being my utter lack of talent. So if Scrappleface or anybody wants to use that idea, go for it.

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Bringing people together is what I'm all about. What do you call somebody who spreads a disease without ever being infected with it themselves? I'm like that, but with friendship. I am Typhoid Jim.

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Ahora voy de nuevo a cama.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:37 AM

December 02, 2004

Things I Have Posted in '04 That Might Make People Want to Vote for Me as Funniest Blogger Blog Person of Internet

In chronological order only, mind you:

If you still feel like voting after that, please go here.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:59 AM

Please resubmit your entries to the photo contest

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I no longer have any of those pictures. Sorry. If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:45 AM

Thursday is Anything Can Happen Day!

Which is why I'm posting something. So Cathy Seipp's latest column is all about why Bill O'Reilly is a tear-stained wussy. She doesn't put it in quite those terms, but that's the gist of it. (She also links to me, but the link is broken, so I guess I'm half-grateful. (Oh, and I hereby rescind my Olbermann recommendation in that post. June '03 seems like a loooong time ago.)) It would be fun to seal O'Reilly in an airtight room with Al Franken, Racist, and take bets on how long the oxygen lasts.

Speaking of feigning gratitude for the purposes of self-aggrandizement, I guess you can vote for me in the Best Humor Blog deal over here. It would be funny if I won, wouldn't it? Not really "funny ha-ha," but still. Well, I'm sure that won't be a problem.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:48 AM