Huffington's Toast is a funny idea, though. I submitted a couple of dealies to them but didn't hear back, so I may as well post them here:
Books, Covers, and Yours Truly
not really by Dolph Lundgren
First of all, big thanks to Arianna for inviting me to participate in this great new blogging venture. Or how about: "I must thank you." Just a little joke for all the fans.
You weren't expecting that, were you? A lot of people think I am stupid just because I look stupid. And yeah, I admit it, I look pretty stupid. But did you know I speak 5 languages and I was a Fulbright scholar at MIT? Didn't mean to blow your mind, but there it is. How many people do you know who speak 5 languages and were Fulbright scholars at MIT? I'm guessing that number is zero. Unless you're me. And no offense, friend, but you're not.
I also know karate.
So what's up with the Bush administration? Maybe I'm missing something.
not really by Dolph Lundgren
I have made love to some of the most beautiful women in the world, as well as Grace Jones.
Currently in Bucharest, directing and starring in Secret Squad 3: Lethal Rebuke. Billy Drago might look scary, but he's a real sweetheart (sorry I had to "kill" you the other day, Bill!), and Erika Eleniak is as lovely and talented as ever. We're hoping for a theatrical release in the States this time, so fingers crossed.
Could somebody explain to me what Newsweek did wrong? We all need to show respect for other people, no matter their religion.
On to things that are actually funny: The Superficial is actually funny. Like, every single goddamn day.
And then you've got these, you know, cold irons. What am I supposed to do with all these cold irons? Please don't answer that.
Primer: Hey, I feel like watching a couple of junior Joe Fridays with Texas accents as they jabber pseudoscientific bullshit at each other for an hour and change. Why don't you throw in some kind of time machine or something that nobody understands, including, apparently, the two droning nerds themselves. Jump around in the narrative a lot (probably) and depict more than one version of each character (almost definitely), but make sure they're wearing the same clothes in almost every scene so it's hard to tell who or when. Please don't make a single direct statement about what's going on. You're smarter than the audience, and they need to know about it! And whatever you do, DON'T WRITE AN ENDING.*
Super Size Me: I had no idea that if you eat nothing but fast food for a month and burn as few calories as possible, you'll gain weight and your health will suffer. Groundbreaking! Also, Americans are fatty fat fatsos.
Ocean's Twelve: "This? You couldn't see this?" And the scene with Robbie Coltrane, and the laser-field dance thingy. Otherwise, it's been a week since I saw it and I can't exactly remember what it was about. They were in Europe or someplace?
Full Frontal: If you're thinking about renting this one because it's Soderbergh, relax, you're not really missing anything. Although it does answer one burning question: Are people in Los Angeles inherently more interesting than everybody else?** Otherwise, strictly for fans of David Duchovny's wiener. (Oh, and of Nicky Katt's trademark scene-stealing. If they just took the 5-10 minutes he was onscreen and put that on a DVD, it would be worth renting.)
The Greatest American Hero, Season 1, Disc 1: Nostalgia is a moron.
Tadpole: Was it Howard Hawks who said a good movie is three good scenes and no bad scenes? Well, this one got halfway there, but then they went and shot a bunch of stuff without Bebe Neuwirth.
Shaolin Soccer: This one dude kicks the ball so hard, it totally rips all this other dude's clothes off. Gay!
Intacto: This is a Spanish movie about an underground society of people who can absorb the luck of others just by touching them. Then they do stuff like run across busy freeways blindfolded, or play reverse Russian Roulette, and bet on it. It's in Spanish, mostly, except the parts with Max Von Sydow. He plays the luckiest guy in the world, who's also probably the most miserable. I kind of liked it.
*The most annoying thing? Even with all that, I didn't actually hate it.
**SPOILER ALERT: No.
Just thought you should know.
Which I find quite a relief.