September 20, 2006

I didn't get a harrumph outta that guy

Harrumph!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:30 PM | Comments (6)

I also blog at Blowing Smoke

Here.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:11 AM

September 19, 2006

A metaphor Lee Siegel might be able to understand

If Batman wears a mask to beat up the Joker, that's okay. (In Gotham City, anyway.) If Batman wears a mask to run around telling everybody how great Bruce Wayne is, that's not okay.

(thx william)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:19 PM | Comments (6)

September 18, 2006

Secret CIA interrogation techniques revealed!

The Grauniad blows the lid off the mother:

Details emerged yesterday about the seven interrogation techniques the CIA is seeking to be allowed to apply to terror suspects... The techniques sought by the CIA are: induced hypothermia; forcing suspects to stand for prolonged periods; sleep deprivation; a technique called "the attention grab" where a suspect's shirt is forcefully seized; the "attention slap" or open hand slapping that hurts but does not lead to physical damage; the "belly slap"; and sound and light manipulation.

All you want to do is blow up some infidels for Allah, but these pigs won't let you sit down or take a nap or put on a sweater. If the blasphemers are feeling particularly American, they might even wrinkle your outfit. Or give you a pinkbelly! AAAAIIIEEEEEEEE!!!

But check it out, the Bush regime doesn't want to tell you about the other torture techniques he's devised...

  • The Faux Shirt Stain: Interrogator points at suspect's chest: "Look, you've got something on your shirt." When suspect looks down, interrogator brings up index finger, tweaking suspect's nose. Interrogator laughs. This grievous affront, a loss of honor in the eyes of Allah, administers massive psychic trauma to suspect. Repeat as needed.
  • The Urkel: Suspect is locked in room lined with 72-inch plasma screens showing non-stop Family Matters episodes featuring '90s "urban nerd" Steve Urkel. Longest recorded breaking time: 2.3 minutes.
  • The Echo: Interrogator repeats all of suspect's statements in snotty voice...

    Suspect: All unbelievers will fall before the sword of Allah!
    Interrogator: [Flouncing about room in effeminate fashion] All unbelievers will fall! Before the sword! Of Allah! Who is my boyfriend! Pppbbbbbbhhht!!
  • Interrogator's failure to be struck down instantly places suspect under extreme psychological stress. In case of emergency, interrogator may deploy Nyah-Nyah-Nyah Protocol.

  • The Complete and Utter Mindfuck: Suspect is addressed directly by unchaperoned female exposing more than 3% of her epidermis.
  • The Chomsky: Suspect is strapped to chair in room with award-craving theoretical linguist Noam Chomsky. Earplugs are placed on table just out of suspect's reach. (This protocol is considered a Last Resort.)

Which evil-ass AmeriKKKan torture techniques have I missed?

PREVIOUSLY... Pope: "Islam Can Suck It"

P.S. More gobsmacking AmWHOREican vileness.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:47 PM | Comments (53)

I think this is a first

This dude used the previous post on his podcast. If you want to hear it read with a British accent and "edited for taste and decency" (I should try that sometime!), the segment starts at about 05:37. I guess not all limeys and podcasts are bad...

P.S. Anybody read Dutch? Babelfish just seizes up.

P.P.S. Infallible, but not inflammable!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:42 AM | Comments (0)

September 17, 2006

Pope: "Islam Can Suck It"

likeyoujustdontcare.jpgROME -- In a televised statement this morning, Pope Benedict XVI lashed out at critics of his earlier comments on Muslims, referring to said critics as a "pack of crybaby snake-charmers" and recommending they perform various humanly impossible feats of flexibility and colonic accommodation.

"Fuck you," he added.

"Why don't you have a seat on my pointy-ass hat," continued the Bishop of Rome. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Abdul? We all know how you camel-jockeys swing, out there in the desert. Yeah, those long cold lonely nights out among the dunes. You bunch of faggots. We [Catholics] might fuck little kids, but at least we don't strap bombs on them when we're done and drop them off at the bagel shop. Sure, we treat our women like shit, but if we made them all dress like fat ninjas, there wouldn't be a single full pew in the whole fucking world. I mean, it's 2006, how do you assholes get away with it? That part I kind of admire, actually. Jesus H. Christ, this stuff is good."

After pausing to drink deeply from a bejeweled chalice, His Holiness then closed his statement with, "I got your Allah right here," emphasizing his point by tugging sharply through his robes at his own scrotum.

"Pope out."

(Previous "racism.")

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:01 AM | Comments (26)

September 15, 2006

I'm telling you, dude, you're missing out

I've been blogging up a storm over there. You should really check it out!

...okay, well, I respect your decision. I won't pretend to understand it, but I respect it.

You know what? Forget that, I don't. I don't respect it. And I don't respect you. Yeah. Yeah, screw you, man. I thought you were my friend. Huh? No, just, don't even... just don't. I don't wanna hear it. Get out, and do not come back.

AND SCENE

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:35 PM | Comments (4)

September 11, 2006

Ugh

Just shut up, all of you. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

(Well, that worked.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:43 PM

September 01, 2006

I really think my blogging has been improving lately

What do you think?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:33 AM