*Nobody has demanded it.
The answer, of course, is that our nation's most precious citizens couldn't reach their full potential until now because they were oppressed by the evil Bush administration. Who has time to smile at your neighbors and be a great parent and find a cure for Alzheimer's and whatnot when you're looking out for unmarked black helicopters full of jackbooted commandoes scouring the neighborhood for dissidents?
As usual, Zo's right on point. Have you ever spent time around children? I did, before the court order. When a little kid doesn't get what he wants, the adult who has thwarted his will is, to borrow a phrase, the Worst Person in the World. But the second that kid gets what he wants, everything is suddenly wonderful. It's like for the last 8 years, Bush was the mean babysitter who didn't let Ashton Kutcher and Ashley Judd eat ice cream for dinner and stay up past their bedtime. But now they've got a new babysitter and he's so cool and he's promising all sorts of amazing things and oh isn't everything just totally super awesome?
It's been said that Hollywood is just high school with money. Obviously, whoever coined that phrase was spotting them 9-10 grades.
Anyhow. I second Zo's pledge not to see anything with Ashton Kutcher or Demi Moore in it. Not that there was any danger of that anyway. Matt Damon? That one's tougher. He's a jerk who's not even half as smart as he thinks he is, but he's made some good movies. Well, I couldn't sit all the way through Gerry, so at least that's something.
I'm not sure this goes far enough. Can it really be said that, pre-Obama, there was even such a thing as America? Wasn't all that striving to "form a more perfect union" just a clumsy dress-rehearsal for the glorious utopia in which we now dwell? Weren't Washington and Lincoln and FDR just keeping the seat warm until the true culmination of all our hopes and dreams could take his rightful place?
And if you don't think so: Why are you a racist?
But it's worth it if you want to create your own. Kind of fun.
(I thought about calling the first two Slow and 'Mo to keep with the overall theme, but that would just be rude.)
Courtesy of Obamicon.me. You can rate and/or comment on it here.
Hpope and chpange:
Subj: ypou are a racist
From: Randy Sexer [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Date: Thu, 22 Jan 2009 11:43 pm
Hello, Mr. Treacher,
I'd like to ask you, why do you hate our Black President!?
Its sad, that sometime's people dont realize what their prejudices do truly define them. Yuo don't even realiaze how ignorant you are. Sad.
Burn in F***in Hell you Intolertant F***ing Rethuglican sheepletard crackerass hillbily!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!Racist
Whew! Can't wait to see what crazy, implausible b.s. they've come up with now. If you need a quick refresher course on what's happened over the previous 4 seasons, A List of Things Thrown Five Minutes Ago has a thorough, thoroughly hilarious recap. (thx, alan)
"I have a lot of respect for President Obama and how he ran his campaign," the writer [Zeb Wells] said. "I like how he never shied away from who he was, and always answered tough questions about mistakes in his past with candor. He didn't try to be everything to everyone, and that takes a lot of character ... more character than I have. I like being able to say that about my President."
It's odd that Marvel Comics would hire somebody from the Bizarro World.
A little bird tells me that if you download the file found here (SpideyObama.cbz) and open it with the shareware found here (or change the filename extension to .zip and open it that way), you will be amazed by the spectacular mediocrity found within. With great powerlessness comes great irresponsibility.
The votes won't be tallied until tomorrow, of course, but it looks like I received more votes for Best Humor Blog than anybody except a couple of other guys. Woo-hoo!
Thank you to everyone who voted for me, and congratulations to Josh at The Comics Curmudgeon for the commanding win. He's a funny guy.
[scattered boos from crowd]
No, no. No, no. Hold on. I understand that you're disappointed. You worked hard for what you believe in, and I am deeply indebted to you. But this is no time for recriminations. It's time for all Americans to put aside our differences and work together. Only by uniting can we build better humor blogs for our children and our children's children. As for our children's children's children, I haven't really had much time to think about them, but I'm sure they'll figure something out.
Thank you, and God bless you, and God bless America.
Yell stuff like, "Yeah, say the words The Man wrote down for you to say, puppet! Walk over to where The Man told you to walk, puppet!" It helps if you live alone, which, let's face it, you do.
I actually kind of like Garofalo in this role, the whole "mousy, stammering librarian" thing, but it's as good an excuse as any to link to an oldie but goodie: Garofalo to Be Lowered into Shredder. (It's satire, although you might not realize it at first because I don't call myself "Sam Clemens" or "Chuck Dickens.")
Still a few hours left!
Isn't that nuts? I mean, it's Obama! Why would you say anything that Obama might not like? But if there's one guy who can make something funny out of a topic that everybody knows isn't funny, it's Dr. David Thorpe: Emails from the Obama Campaign.
From: David Plouffe
To: David Thorpe
Subj: History in the making
My pretties --
Together, we've made history. On January 20th, history will be made again.
For the first time since Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated in 1861, Barack Obama will be sworn in as President of the United States.
This unprecedented event is expected to attract a record number of revelers and disciples, hangers-on, wayward youths, would-be-assassins and, most of all, you. You made this happen. You are responsible for this. Not Washington lobbyists. We will turn Washington lobbyists away at the door that we might make more room for you.
Shamefully, Washington lobbyists are usually the very people who fund inauguration ceremonies. "Barack," I said to Barack Obama, "without lobbyists, how will we have a party?"
And Barack said to me, "David, David Plouffe, listen to me: this barn would make a pretty good stage, and I can sing a little. Emmylou can paint backdrops on these old horse blankets. Doggone it, I think we can put on our own show."
Barack was speaking in metaphors, except for the part about singing a little. He can sing a little, if four octaves is "a little." What he means is this: with our continuing support, we can fund this inaugural ceremony by ourselves, without letting those tumescent plutocrats darken our doorstep with their frictionless tuxedos and their blood money.
Read it while you can. As of January 20, we will all be too filled with light and joy to comprehend human language. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure what will happen to the Internet once we cast away these base earthly bodies. Oh well!
Update: A coalition of two conservative blogs, who have apparently forgotten Ronald Reagan's Eleventh Commandment, is trying to wrest second place from me armed with an endorsement from The Corner. Don't let that happen.
Whoops. Of course he means: two other conservative blogs. See, that's his whole gag, that he's a "conservative." Which is hilarious, don't get me wrong. But I didn't realize this poll meant so much to him that he'd take one look in his rearview and forget his whole schtick. Now that's funny!
You still have about 5 hours left to vote for me. Go ahead and let that happen.
There's still time. And it sounds like somebody's getting nervous...
P.S. The polls close at 5 p.m. EST tomorrow. So if you voted before 5 today, you can vote again tomorrow.
Probably won't catch up to #2, but I'm doing about as well as can be expected without a Wonkette link. (Remember when Wonkette was actually a girl?) Sorry for all the posts about this silliness, but it's pretty much the only interesting thing about my life. Ever.
If you're wondering why I'm on the ballot, this is the best I can do.
Also: Vote for Hot Air. It's the Best Blog. And it doesn't spread conspiracy theories about anybody's children.
P.S. And thanks to everybody who's put in a good word for me: Iowahawk, Frank J., the fine folks at the Activity Pit, Melissa Clouthier, Jammie Wearing Fool, This Ain't Hell, Sister Toldjah, the Anchoress, Babalu Blog, Kate at Small Dead Animals, Dan at Protein Wisdom, Rachel Lucas, Nice Deb, Doug Ross, Dull Razor, Six Meat Buffet, Cold Fury, Mark Hemingway, the Breda Fallacy, and all the other nice people I like because they like me.
Now I know how Norm Coleman must feel. Except not even as good.
As you know, I am an idiot. It's been a while since I've been nominated for one of these things, but it's always the same. I tell myself I don't care because I won't win anyway, and then I end up obsessing over it. What the heck, it's something to do on a Sunday.
Well, please vote for me if you think I was funny in '08. If not, please go do something that is unpleasant to you.
Simple. It was an honest appeal to reason:
Frank: I can't do this.
Jim: Just read what's written on the paper.
Frank: Please don't make me do this.
Jim: [PULLS BACK HAMMER OF PISTOL AIMED AT FRANK'S HEAD] I can think of worse things.
Frank: Alright, alright, alright. [LONG PAUSE] "Jim Treacher is the k... is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known. It is my... [SHUDDERS] my honor and privilege to endorse him in the race for Best Humor Blog in the 2008 Weblog Awards. I make this statement of my own free will." Okay? Are you satisfied?
Jim: That was nice. You did real good. Now you just keep doing real good, see? That way I won't have to come back. Yeah? Heh, heh, heh... [BACKS UP INTO DOORWAY, FADES INTO SHADOWS]
Frank: ...what a dick.
How's '09 treatin' ya? Better than it's treating me, I hope. The last 5 weeks have really sucked for me in the world that exists outside of the Internet. Hospital visits, deaths in the family, a car accident (not my fault and no injuries, at least), a cross-country move, etc. Wearying. The worst may be over, but I'll believe it when it stops sucking.
Oh wait, I forgot. All problems will vanish forever on January 20. Isn't that nice?
Speaking of things that are highly unlikely, it looks like I'm in fourth place in that Best Humor Blog poll. I'm not sure whether it's "Hey, I'm all the way in fourth place!" or "Jeez, I'm only in fourth place?" Well, somewhere in the middle is my usual domain. Thanks to the nice people who nominated me, and if you're voting for me, you are possessed of a high level of awesomeness.
The guy who's winning the poll by a huge margin is all about comics, which is an excuse to link to my page of comics-related "humor." Some of it isn't so bad. People seem to like this one in particular.
Thank you and have a pleasant weekend.
P.S. A big thanks to those who've risked their reputations by publicly endorsing me. I really appreciate it. Oh, and you should vote for Hot Air in the Best Blog poll. Vote every day. For Trig.
Here. Voting more than once doesn't seem fair, but it helps if you pretend you're a Democrat.
If you're wondering why I'm on the ballot, that's a very good question. But here are a few of the blog posts I posted to my blog last year that you may or may not find amusing:
Do you detect a pattern? I don't expect you to vote for me if you're a fan of Obama, or humor, but I thank you for doing your due diligence. You are now free to vote for Josh like everybody else.
*I particularly liked this one, and so did the writing staff of SNL.
He died of a heart attack on his way to New Year's Eve dinner.
The incredibly prolific Westlake, and his good friend Richard Stark, are two of my favorite writers. I can't believe the world has seen its last Parker novel. 2009 is not starting off well...