March 28, 2009

Colonel Don responds!

I thought I might have scared him off the other day, but obviously he's too smart for that. Note that his e-mail address has changed slightly:

Subj: I need your firm assurance if we are going to do this together.
From: Col. Stanhouse Don []
To: Me
Date: Sat, 28 Mar 2009 4:06 am

Dear Treacher,

Thanks for your quick response, I am sorry for my late reply I have been down since. Am still suffering fron the injuries I sustained in Iraq, which led to my final discharge from the Army. Please bear with me if am abit harsh sometimes, you must understand that I have been used to giving and taking orders most of my life as a Soldier and I am just trying to adjust to normal(Civilian) life. I guess you now get the picture of what I was trying to tell you after going through the site I earlier refered you to.

I do understand that there are alot of lies and hoax out there, but it still doesnt stop the truth from being the truth or should it prevent us from doing healthy meaningful business on or meeting trusworthy persons on the internet. I do agree with you that this might sound very strange, but remember that life itself is strange and unexplainable sometimes and there`s nothing we can do about it. It is so nice to have a brother-in-arms like you on this mission.
I am sorry to hear about your legs, I am also going through the pains of the terrible injuries I sustained during an armbush in Iraq. I can hardly talk anymore, due to the injuries. Are you aure youare in the position to see this through due to your present condition. I will let you decide, but be sure that we are on if you feel you can do this.

What I was trying to hint you about from the website I referred you was something very similar to one of my personal experiences when I was serving in the medical corp of the US Army in the wake of our Military Campaign in Iraq. I happened to be a member of an elite squad that was sent into the Iraq as an Arrow-Head at the begining of the Campaign. We discovered alot of things, that most are yet to be made known to the public to date and might never be.

On one of our regulars Runs(Patrols) in the Border-town of Mosul, we stumbbled unto a fleeing top Aide of the late Saddam Hussien who disguised himself as a woman. On searching his person and Donkeys, we discovered that he was actually carrying large sum of money(US Dollars) and was trying to get across to neighboring Turkey. We arrested him and had him transfered to the Capital City(Baghdad) with our discovery.

I happened to be the highest ranking officer at the time of this incidence and had to make most of the decisions directly. It happened that we have heard other Soldiers talking about similar discoveries of such throughout Iraq by different Platoons/Regiments. We already have knowledge of Soldiers involved in such discoveries helping themselves out of the Booty, so alot of the young Soldiers under me were so overwhelmed and agitated by the sight of such a large volume of cash that they became restless and started making various remarks and suggestions.

I have come to learn from experience that War do have grave effects on people in different ways, so I decided to to go with the flow so as to prevent any kind of internal Mutiny within us. We actually suceeded in sharing part of the Booty amongst ourselves based on Rank before we made our final declaration to the Central Command in Baghdad. I got quite a large sum been the highest ranking officer on location that day, my share runs into millions of dollars that has been kept in safety over the years. It is sad though that I ran into some misfortune before the end of my Service in Iraq that led to my early discharge/retirement.

We were caught in a sand-storm that made us fall far behind our lines and was later ambushed by vicious Insurgents, leaving most of my men dead and others including me on critical list. I was barely alive by the time rescue came and am glad to the hi-tech medical facilities availed to the Military, if not I would have been long dead. We all agreed not touch or spend any of the shared Booty until we have been discharged from Service and/or there`s a change in Government.
I just found out that one of my former collegues, have successfully routed his share home and now residing in Canada peacefully as wealthy Prospector.

This has prompted me to contact you and see if we can work something out together, especially now that the new(Obama`s) government has a different view on the War in Iraq and wants to move our great country forward. I am sorry that I might not be able to divulge any further information to you about this until I am very such that you are with me on this.

On your positive response to this message I will tell you more and how we are going to achieve success on this within the next 7-10days depending on your readiness. I am very indisposed at the moment and cannot do this on my own or afford a leak by dealing with anybody around me or that is/was in the Military, hence we have to stick with each other. Could you begin by telling me a little about yourself also. I will also need your full names, address and telephone number to facilate this. Hope to hear from you soon.

Best Regards,
Col. Stanhouse D (Rtd)


Re: I need your firm assurance if we are going to do this together.
From: Me
Date: Sat, 28 Mar 2009 9:09 am

Dear Colonel Don,

It is with great excitementation that I respondicate to your missive. But also a sense of foreskinning as this experients is broughted back memories of War. Lastnite I woked up bath in Sweat from a half-remember night mare, yelling "Zips in the wire! Zips in the wire!" I miss my buddys Major Clooney & Sgt. Cube.

My assuranticity is as firm as a pole-vaulters hind end. Please tell me how to get my free money, muthaphukka (termof endorsement).

Your brother and arms,
Lt. James "Brown Trousers" Treacher
U.S. Kiss Army (Ret.)
1313 Mockingbird Lane
Springfield, NT 12345
(555) 555-55554

I'm of two minds on this whole thing. It's galling that these scammers are now impersonating U.S. military personnel, but I figure every minute this idiot spends on me is a minute he's not scamming somebody who might fall for it.

Plus, it's fun. I haven't really checked out these guys, but I'm told they've made it an art form.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 05:59 AM

March 26, 2009


Okay, so:

At first I was like, "HOLY CRAP, DANIEL WAS WRONG!!" He's always saying that we can't change the past no matter what we do, but killing your worst enemy when he was like 13 years old would seem to be a pretty freaking big change.

But the more I think about it, the more likely it is that Lil' Ben will survive somehow. One of the scenes that seemed pointless at first was the one where Ben visited Sayid in the Dominican Republic, where he was building houses to atone for his sins and whatnot. Why show a scene that only happened a week ago, from Sayid's perspective?

Well, because they were establishing a self-fulfilling prophecy: Ben knows Sayid is a killer because Sayid once tried to kill him... because he realized Ben was right about him being a killer. Time loop, baby. It's like the compass Richard gave to Locke because he remembered Locke giving it to him 50 years before, which was in Locke's future. HEAD PAIN!!

Does the island heal Ben, the way it healed Locke's broken back and Rose's cancer? Well, it doesn't heal Ben's spinal tumor 27 years in the future. He had to go through that whole convoluted mess to get Jack to operate on it. But that was after he became a mass murderer. Maybe back in '77, the island still liked him?

Someone please fiddle with the Frozen Donkey Wheel so I can pick up the Season 5 & 6 boxsets already.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:26 PM

I think I scared him off

Subj: I need to hear from you asap.
From: Col. Stanhouse Don []
To: Me
Date: Wed, 25 Mar 2009 6:44 pm


Please spare me some of your time and dont be too surprised about my approach despite the fact that I am relatively unknown to you. My name is Col. Stanhouse Don, a former member of the U.S. ARMY USARPAC Medical Team, which was deployed to Iraq at the begining of the War in Iraq.

I would like to share some highly personal, and classified information about my personal experience and role which I played in the pursuit of my career serving under the U.S 1st Armored Division which was at the fore-front of the War in Iraq.

Though, I am going to hold back certain information for security reasons for now until you have found the time to visit the BBC website stated below to enable you have an insight into what I intend sharing with you, believing that it would be of your desired interest one-way or the other.

My Regiment ran into a similar discovery as described in the above website while serving in Iraq, and I have laid low about it until now.

Could you get back to me having visited the above website to enable us discuss in a more clarifying manner to the best of both of our understanding. I must say that I'm not too comfortable sending this message to you without knowing truly if you would misconstrue the importance and decide to go public.

In this regards, I will not hold back to say that the essence of this message is solely for mutual benefit between you and I and nothing more. I have kept this to myself only, for very long time and its time I begin to enjoy some of the fruits of my labour and services to my Country and Humanity.

Kindly send your soonest response on this email ONLY: confirming that you have visited the above website and that you are ready to proceed on this with me. Please disregard and destroy this message if you are not interested. I await your thoughts earnestly.

Best Regards,

Col. Stanhouse Don(Rtd).


Re: I need to hear from you asap.
From: Me
Date: Wed, 25 Mar 2009 8:01 pm

Dear Colonel Don,

I read with great interest your e-mail, as which you sent to me of late. It would of course be an honour to converse upon the subject matter to what you elude, concerning Saddam's hidden treasure. As for not going pubic, you have my most sincerest reassurement of my circumcision visa avis this matter.

Yours truly,
PFC James F. Treacher
U.S. Salvation Army (Ret.)

P.S. It is good to conversate with some one else who is been in "the shit." I lost both legs and a toe during the al-Eebaba Offensive.

(Hey, impersonating a military officer is a federal crime, isn't it?)

Update: Apparently this kind of thing is the latest craze amongst these scammer creeps. Which might explain why we've now got a Kenyan pretending to support our military.

Update: Colonel Don responds!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:17 AM

March 23, 2009

Look on the bright side, Greg

Sure, you had to apologize to Canada. But it happens to the best of 'em.

Case in point: After Steve Kroft's "punch-drunk" remark, he had to apologize to the Retired Boxers Foundation.* Of course, those guys are scarier than our neighbors to the north...

*Absolutely true fact that I just made up.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:57 PM

"Why... so... SERIOUS??? Hey, wanna know how I got these ears?"

Some men just want to watch the world burn.


(thx, ed)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:20 PM

March 22, 2009

Alanis Morissette has much to answer for

The other day I got a nice e-mail from Taegan Goddard, pointing me to this post:

Irony of the Day

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin (R), who has a child with Down Syndrome, today blasted President Obama's attempt at a joke which insulted people with special needs.

Said Palin: "I was shocked to learn of the comment made by President Obama about Special Olympics. This was a degrading remark about our world's most precious and unique people, coming from the most powerful position in the world."

This comes on the same day that Palin refused to accept over 30% of the federal economic stimulus money being offered to Alaska. According to the Anchorage Daily News, "the biggest single chunk of money Palin is turning down is about $170 million for education, including money that would go for programs to help... special needs students."

See, this is "ironic" because the government is the only entity that can help anybody. If you take a stand against unrestrained government spending, you're not allowed to be offended by a slur against people like your own son. Made by the President of the United States. On the Tonight Show. Because by trying to impede the government from throwing around a whole bunch of taxpayers' money, by standing on principle, you're actually hurting your own child.

That's the mindset, anyway.

Hey, which government agency handles the Special Olympics? Is that at the state or federal level?

P.S. John Manders e-mails:

With a state budget surplus of between $5-9 billion, maybe Alaska doesn't need Obama's money.,0,2756085.story

Nobody considers this when fuming about Sarah Palin's reaction to his Special Olympics gaffe, and how she ought to be funneling federal cash at the program.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:31 PM

March 20, 2009

Sorry for repeating myself, but it's so seldom that I make an accurate prediction

I called this whole thing days ago.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:33 PM

March 19, 2009

No respect, no respect at all

Last night, President Obama debuted his standup comedy act on the Tonight Show. You've heard his hilarious wisecracks about the Special Olympics and "waterheads," and here are a few of his other witticisms:

  • "Thanks for having me on the show, Jay. You seem like a pretty nice guy... for an Italian. [Tony Soprano impersonation] Ayyyy! Fuggetaboutit!"
  • "Kevin Eubanks, how are ya, man? Is Jay letting you come in through the front entrance yet? No? It's okay, I do the same thing to Biden."
  • "I stopped by Hollywood earlier. Or as I call it, Little Israel. I dropped a penny on the sidewalk and lost 3 Secret Service guys."
  • "You think being the first black president is easy? Every time I leave the White House, Secret Service checks my pockets for silverware."
  • "Yeah, John McCain and I get along. Although he always freezes me out when I try to give him a high five! [audience groans] What, too soon?"
  • "Sarah Palin and I don't talk much, 'cause I don't speak Tardese. 'Doy! Durr! Look at my dumb baby!' [audience member boos] Oh, lighten up."
  • "Ya know, I thought about picking a female VP too. But I've already got somebody to clean my house and fetch me beers! Am I right, fellas?"
  • "Any Irish folks in the audience? Don't raise your hand, you might spill your drink. 'When Oirish oys are smilin'...'" [staggers, pretends to vomit]
  • "Another great thing about LA is all the fags. [audience hisses] OK, OK, Faggot-Americans. Hey, I got no problem with it. After all, I did hire Rahm Emmanuel!"
  • "You know what cracks me up? Chinese people. [sticks front teeth over bottom lip and pushes back corners of eyes] 'Herro, Mistel Plesident!'"
  • "People ask what scares me most. Iran? The economy? Try: Waking up every morning next to She-Hulk! Oh, I'm gonna get it when I come home."

Newly appointed Humor Czar Joe Biden could not be reached for comment.

P.S. I think we all remember where we were when we found out JFK had gone on the Tonight Show and mocked the developmentally disabled. As FDR said: "The only thing we have to fear is... one of those people trying to hug us." And who can forget the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln? "Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation, dedicated to the proposition that all tards are hilarious."

P.P.S. Obama responds to the controversy: "You know, I didn't mess with those people's chromosomes. This administration has inherited these genetic anomalies."

P.P.P.S. I predicted "POTUS as insult comic" days beforehand.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:17 PM

In which I attempt to keep up with the brave, brilliant guardians of America's future


  • According to the White House, Americans don't care about the AIG bonuses.
  • The same AIG bonuses that President of the United States Barack H. Obama has made a big show of being indignant about.
  • Even though those bonuses were specifically protected in the "stimulus" bill he signed just last month.
  • Which was rushed through Congress because otherwise, according to Obama, the economy was going to be irreversibly destroyed.
  • Except now it turns out he really meant to say, "The economy is doing better than we thought."
  • (What, you've never had a slip of the tongue?)
  • Oh yeah, and now Congress wants to to impose a 90% tax on the bonuses that Congress itself approved.
  • Which isn't enough for Barney Frank, who wants the recipients dragged into the town square and beaten for accepting money he voted to give them.
  • And all of the above is the other guy's fault.
  • Who's "the other guy"? Whoever happens to be handy.

I think I get it: This is just a big distraction from the vitally important matters of state that President Obama is attending to. Which he'll tell us all about this evening.

On the Tonight Show.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:11 PM

March 17, 2009

Twitter: A great new way to put off doing your taxes

If you could reconstruct your own body, atom by atom, why would you still be hung like a popcorn kernel? Sorry, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons.


"Do you know of anyone whose opinion of Obama is higher now than when he was elected or inaugurated?" Just one: Obama.


In the first draft, Ozymandias tricked Dr. Manhattan into destroying NYC by following him down the street and yelling, "Quick, turn around!"


When Obama meets Queen Elizabeth, she "won't be getting any DVDs." Which means he still has some VHS tapes lying around.


What's the big deal about Obama doing the Tonight Show? Don't you remember all those great appearances by President Rickles?


"I'm just a bill, yes, I'm only a bill. If I don't get passed, the Earth will be killed!"


GIBBS: Gelatinous Imbecile Babbles Barackian Shinola


Happy Irish National Religious Holiday Transformed Into Lurid Global Drinking Binge! Here is a recycled cartoon.


And yet *I* get in trouble for calling the guy a cold fish.


Tapper vs. Gibbs is a deadly game of cat and mouse, assuming the cat is a puma and the mouse has irreparable brain damage.


When you talk about something Limbaugh or O'Reilly said, it's part of a right-wing conspiracy. JournoList? Oh, that's just a coffee klatch.


JournoList participants include Matthew Yglesias and Ezra Klein. No word yet on the rest of Jim Henson's Pundit Babies.


I'm behind Jack Cafferty('s car) all the way (because his front bumper tends to hit things after he's had a few) on this:


One way to win people over: Don't make this face every time you appear in public. Also, pay your damn taxes, deadbeat.


Geithner just keeps finding checkboxes he forgot to click in TurboCompetence.


After a certain age, you owe it to yourself and everyone around you to rethink your commitment to nudism.


Ezra Klein's defense of JournoList is like defending Rahm's daily conference calls by saying, "But EVERYBODY uses phones!"


"Ultimate Predator" fossil found? I didn't even know Scott Ritter was dead.


If you know what "Frozen Donkey Wheel" means, submit your nickname for THIS year's cliffhanger at Mine is "LOL, Suckers!"


Sci-Fi Channel = SyFy. Food Network = YumYum. Comedy Central = LOLZ. Discovery Channel = Hey! Arts & Entertainment = Neither. MSNBC = ZZZ.


I am! In a world! Of Twit!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:27 PM

March 15, 2009

Ron Silver, R.I.P.

He was 62.

For all the movies and TV shows he did, my favorite is a failed TV pilot from 1999 where he played himself. Sort of:

I'm not sure if it's ever been aired on TV, but you can find it on the Internet if you look around. Silver was masterful at the Leslie Nielsen technique of making it funny by playing it totally straight:

Ron Silver as "Ron Silver," actor/superhumanly badass NASA hitman, chasing down Jack Black and Owen Wilson. Wouldn't you have watched that show every week? I would have.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:28 PM

Cloverfield 2: Romantic Boogaloo

NSFW, probs:

I love the Internet.

(thx, Kuppy)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:57 AM

The Twit is hot tonight

Bill Clinton thinks embryos can be unfertilized. His previous biology lesson: "Oh, Monica, that'll wash right out."


Mass walkouts during Watchmen? They're probably running out for some blueberry popsicles. (Joke stolen from @DougBenson.)


I don't get why Chas Freeman flopped. We've got a tax cheat running the IRS, so why not put a crazy person in charge of intelligence?


The 25 DVDs Obama gave Gordon Brown. Too bad nobody's made a movie called "Rot in Hell, You Blind Limey."


Who knew Doug Ross's entire stay at County General was just casing the joint so he & 10-12 of his friends could heist the hospital pharmacy?


The worst economic crisis since the Depression isn't as bad as we think. Why do we think so? Well um HEY LOOK OVER THERE!


I've never cared much about Jim Cramer, but it's "funny" how he didn't become a problem for Jon Stewart until he became a problem for Obama.


It turns out that if you're put in charge of the IRS even after everybody finds out you're a tax cheat, nobody wants to work for you. Weird!


It's official: Twitter now rules my life. I blame @jackiedanicki. And social anxiety disorder.


"Niiiiice, yes? She make good wife, I sell her to you, yes?"


Keith Olbermann breaks stories like he graduates from Ivy League schools:


Olbermann and Maddow, combined, manage to beat Fox's #6 by the population of a small town. Non-sexual victory hug!


At first Obama said we were looking at economic catastrophe, but now he's downgraded it to kittenastrophe.


If the president is black and a person who's not black criticizes him, that's racism. Criticism of a white prez from non-whites is msicar.


@MKupperman "We all gotta go sometime," said lazy Louis Pasteur.


@MKupperman "Maybe next year," said lazy Christopher Columbus.


@MKupperman "Ehhhh, I'd just get it all over my pants," said lazy Picasso.


@MKupperman "I don't really have a problem with those folks," said lazy Hitler.


@MKupperman "And then what?" asked lazy Sir Edmund Hillary.


@MKupperman "I could always name a hospital after them," thought lazy Bruce Wayne.


@MKupperman "Back then things were pretty confusing," began lazy Charles Dickens.


I think my audiologist is going nuts. He kept talking about my "scented, nervous cistern."


Obama jokes that the GOP wants him to go to Brazil and get lost in the Amazon. Ouch, he'd really scratch up his ears.


This Twit is the bomb!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:40 AM

March 13, 2009

Today is National Iowahawk Day

Happy National Iowahawk Day!

If you're in Chicago, or can make the pilgrimage by 8:30 tonight, he's granting you an opportunity to buy him a beer and/or touch the hem of his garment. Click link for details.

And speaking of guys who are funnier than me:

Or is it funnier than I? Either one.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:50 AM

March 12, 2009

Aw, they didn't use my slogan!


(Click here to see what the Democratic Party went with.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:26 PM

Twitter Twitter Twitter Twitter Twitter

Watchstrap? Who would make a movie about that? I used to have a watch. Where's my watch? You know who was good, was Bette Davis. #goml


Obama to meet with Queen of England next month. She's really going to like that Big City Slider Station.


Cellphones are mad cheap! How else can he call the cops if someone steals his shopping cart of cans and baby-doll parts?


I want Obama to succeed at failure. See? There's no need to be so negative about it.


Second draft: I want Obama to succeed at something other than the things he's doing now. Also, Axelrod should get mustache cancer. Whoops!


Meghan McCain is wrong to call Ann Coulter a train wreck. Trains usually contain some sort of food.


Of course, Maher is even worse: I wish he'd go back to his previous job, but nobody wants to make DC Cab 2.


Signs You Might Be Overreaching, Pt. 437: Bragging in public about setting up an echo chamber.


Chas Freeman went down like a Chinese student under a tank.


Vile Party Hack Wants President to Fail (Note: Headline is from 2001)


If Rorschach fought Danny Bonaduce, and the winner fought Carrot Top, and the winner of THAT teabagged Ron Howard, that would be awesome.


TurboTax Geithner says "capitalism will be different." Kinda like that one time we made Hiroshima & Nagasaki "different."


I'd like to thank @Glinner for the first episode of Black Books, which I watch every year around this time. (I like the other episodes too.)


BREAKING NEWS: People Who Don't Like Rush Limbaugh Don't Like Rush Limbaugh


Twitter is the opposite of real life: here, hot babes follow ME. You gals are lucky. You don't have to worry about leaving DNA evidence.


Fascist pigs harass noted educator over 40-year-old littering offense:


I know Obama's probably not a Muslim, but his teleprompter is like the Koran: Every time he reads from it, a market blows up.

Same Twit, different day!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:43 AM

March 09, 2009

Because you're dying to know what I thought of Watchmen

WatchmenSmiley.pngOne one hand, I'm such a nerd for the comic that I got one of the blood-splattered-smiley-face buttons when it first came out and actually wore it in public. On the other, I'm not such a nerd that I can't call it a comic instead of a "graphic novel." So I think I was able to take the movie on its own merits, instead of mewling about how they left out this or that, or the midget gangster doesn't look like the one in the comic, or any of that crap. Who cares? It's a movie.

That said: Zack Snyder is a crazy person to think he could pull this off. And he really didn't. But I admire him for trying. It's a noble failure.

Matthew Goode was really good in a movie called The Lookout, playing a very friendly guy who's maybe not so friendly after all. When I heard he was going to play Ozymandias, he seemed like a good fit. And yet he was so bland and lifeless. I mean, the one scene where he got to show any sort of emotion, he was squaring off against Lee Iacocca. WTF? Not to mention that in a movie with a butt-naked blue dude and Carla Gugino in old-age makeup, he managed to look ridiculous. He looked like David Bowie in a leftover Batman costume.

Malin Ackerman has the jawline of a Dave Gibbons character, but little of the acting ability.

Jackie Earle Haley was amazing. He really was born for this role. And he got the benefit of the few added scenes that actually improved on the comic. Like Rorschach's post-defenestration fight with the cops, and pulling on his "face" in front of the shrink: "Your turn, doc. WHAT DO YOU SEE?" Chills, man, chills. Thanks, Jackie. Don't stay away so long this time, huh?

Vaguely dissatisfying overall, but about as good as any movie version of the comic could have been without running at least 8 hours. Although it did make me realize there's less actual plot in the comic than I remembered. They managed to get most of it in. It's just too bad that so much character stuff had to go out the window to squeeze it into less than 3 hours.

I'll probably buy the DVD like a sucker anyway. Assuming I have any money left by then. (Remember, kids: Reagan was the bad guy!)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:55 AM

March 06, 2009

Obama is a liar

Not that I'm not convinced by the plethora of evidence, but mainly I want to see where this ends up in the Google results.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:06 PM

March 05, 2009

You can say that again (for now)

A political operative, based inside the White House, employed by the president of the United States and receiving a salary from the American taxpayer, goes to work every day to help direct a strategy against a broadcaster whose opinions are supposed to be covered by every protection the First Amendment can provide. To quote Shakespeare, "Something is rotten..." The American people have a right to know who this person is, what their duties are and how much they are paid.
-- Peter Roff
Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:03 PM

More recycled Twits or Tweets or whatever the hell they're called

I wish someone had told me before today that Scarlett Johansson is actually a clone manufactured in Germany. And where I can get one.


@AlisonRosen "When did Janeane Garofalo turn into somebody who served me coffee in 1994?" ( made me LOL and SMP.


I haven't seen a Dow this low since Eddie Haskell called Wally a real goon.


Just ordered a pizza with Chris Buckley. He asked for pineapple and triple anchovies, trusting that they'd top it with pepperoni instead.


David Brooks wakes from Matrix, calls for moderates to rise up: "Why are my muscles so weak?" "You've never used them."


Now we know how Michelle O. got such great biceps: Slamming the door on low-income hospital patients.


If Robert Gibbs was a spokesman for NASA, I'd start to question the moon landing.


I'm not a big Ann Coulter fan, but after she landed this kick, Olbermann was up on the roof looking for his balls:


Look on the bright side, libs: Bush Sr. only PUKED all over another world leader. Obama one-upped him! Well, #2-upped.


Dear UK: Now you know how WE feel. Maybe they just couldn't set up his tel-uh-prompter in time? Signed, The Other 48%


The Slap Chop and the Snuggie didn’t ship in time to give to Gordon, so Michelle printed the receipt and put it inside one of the DVD cases.


I'm glad they waited until now to knight Ted Kennedy, because all that armor would've made it tough to swim.


Check this Twit out!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:14 PM

That's it, I quit

There's just no point. Ottawahawk is the only one you need. I'll be over here curled up in the corner, cowering in the face of my own mediocrity.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:08 AM

When Barry Met Gordon


Brown: Good lord! How very-- [STANDS UP STRAIGHT, ADJUSTS TIE & SMOOTHS OUT WRINKLED SUIT, WALKS TOWARD OBAMA SITTING AT DESK] I'm afraid I wasn't expecting such treatment. But no matter. Good day to you, Mr. President.


Brown: Uhm. [CLEARS THROAT] I'm very sorry to bother you, Mr. President, but--


Brown: Hurm. Yes. Well. Have a seat, should I? [INDICATES CHAIR BEHIND HIM, WAITS FOR SOME SORT OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT, FINALLY SITS DOWN ANYWAY] So. It's. Did you, did you get the gifts I brought? The pen set is composed of wood from the sister ship of the one that was used to make the very desk you're--


Brown: Oh! Very, uh, very nice. [PICKS IT UP, PULLS READING GLASSES FROM SHIRT POCKET] It's, let me... Yes We Can! The Barack Obama Story. Ah. That's. Uhm. Well, I certainly--

Obama: [SIGHING LOUDLY, STILL NOT LOOKING UP] Will there be anything else? I don't know if you noticed, but I'm kind of the President?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:59 AM

Watchmen: Capes on a Plane?

I Googled that and it looked like nobody had thought of it yet, so now I'm posting it. I hope it's wrong, but the more I learn about the movie, the more the buzz is wearing off. Also, I'm kind of worried about that curse Alan Moore put on it. Like you'll walk into the theater and break out in boils or something. He'd do it, too.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:27 AM

March 04, 2009

Headline you'll never see:

Obama Promises to Meet Limbaugh Without Preconditions

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:22 AM

March 03, 2009

"We will crush you in the gears of our machine until you're fertilizer for plants, all while draping ourselves in the flag"


Tapper again:

President Obama announced today that his administration will begin stamping an emblem on projects funded by the economic stimulus package so that people can easily recognize the effects of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.

All projects will be stamped with the ARRA logo (short for the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act) and lists the website on the emblem.

How ARRAgant.

Hey, why does a "temporary measure" need a logo, anyway?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:19 PM

Obama continues to put our minds at ease


"To you, he's Mr. Vice President," President Obama said at the Department of Transportation this morning. "But around the White House we call him 'The Sheriff' because if you're misusing taxpayer money, you'll have to answer to him."

That remark brought peals of laughter in the president's rah-rah address before approximately 600 DOT employees, where he was joined by Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood and "Sheriff" Biden.

Sheriff Biden then placed Obama under arrest. "Hands on the podium. Spread your feet, spread your feet. You got anything in your pockets that's gonna stick me? Huh?"

Just kidding. Joe the Genius just chuckled, possibly understanding the joke.

BTW, if you watch the video embedded near the end of Tapper's story, please tell me if you hear any "peals of laughter."

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:09 AM

March 02, 2009

It's not a good week to be Zachary Roth*

zachary_roth2.jpgFirst Roth, the walking TPMbarassment, falsely accused Bobby Jindal of making up the Hurricane Katrina anecdote he told last Tuesday night, based on a shifting definition of the phrase "during Katrina." That was debunked by the subject of the anecdote himself, the late Sheriff Harry Lee.

Now Roth has falsely accused Rick Santelli of working with groups organizing these "tea party" tax protests all over the place. The story isn't true. But instead of posting a correction and an apology, or doing the usual and trying to rationalize away yet another stupid mistake, Roth simply deleted the post. And got caught doing so by Instapundit. How incompetent can one muckracker be? I think TPM stands for Tenuously Plausible Meanderings.

Dear Zach: It's not too late to learn a marketable skill. This one just isn't working out for you. Uh-oh, here come the waterworks.

Update: Another New Orleans resident speaks up about the meaning of "during Katrina."

*But then, when would it be?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:30 PM

Hey, guess who's not a fan of big government?

Courtesy of Blog P.I., here's a tale of some plucky young go-getters whose ambitions are being stifled by a bunch of bureaucratic red tape:

The team that ran the most technologically advanced presidential campaign in modern history is finding it difficult to adapt that model to government., envisioned as the primary vehicle for President Obama to communicate with the online masses, has been overwhelmed by challenges that staffers did not foresee and technological problems they have yet to solve.

Obama, for example, would like to send out mass e-mail updates on presidential initiatives, but the White House does not have the technology in place to do so. The same goes for text messaging, another campaign staple.

Beyond the technological upgrades needed to enable text broadcasts, there are security and privacy rules to sort out involving the collection of cellphone numbers, according to Obama aides, who acknowledge being caught off guard by the strictures of government bureaucracy.

Got that? It really is beautiful: The Obama team doesn't like being told what to do by the government! Which is of course why they want to massively expand it. Kind of like a sea captain, preparing to set sail for uncharted waters, who gets caught off guard by a bucket of mud.

Sounds like they need some more money to fix this website number thing. Will a couple million cover it? Billion? Whatever. It's all just numbers anyway. Here you go. Don't worry, we'll keep having kids. They'll pay for it, or their kids will. Or their kids...

Posted by Jim Treacher at 05:11 PM

A New Orleans resident speaks about the meaning of "during Katrina"

A reader named Jordan reacts to my previous two posts about the current effort to smear Bobby Jindal over "during Katrina":

How do we -- the people who lived through Katrina -- define "during Katrina?"

Believe it or not, it was often a topic of discussion around town in early 2006.

The answer depends on who you are, or where you lived. I lived in the burbs. We had electricity 3 weeks after the storm but there was no (potable) running water so we could not return home. We were under mandatory evacuation for exactly one month. We had 3 "look and leave" days where we could come in town, do any minor repairs, get pets left behind, or otherwise secure our property. We had to be out by dusk, and there were nice young men on every street corner with M-16s reminding us of that fact.

Even if we wanted to defy the evacuation order, there was no water, no food stores, no businesses open, no nothing... And very few people had electricity, and the temps were in the 90s.

We lived in a hotel room for 30 days with 4 people, 500 miles from home.

When we say "during Katrina" we mean from the time we evacuated -- before landfall -- until 30 days after when we could return home. In other words, the time we were under mandatory evacuation.

For others, the answer is different.

The people in Chalmette (the area Harry Lee mentions in that Youtube video) were under mandatory evacuation for around 90 days. Even when they could get in, every single home in the whole Parish was damaged or destroyed. For those folks, "during Katrina" meant months and months.

Here's the kicker... Many people are still struggling to get back into the houses they had before the storm. For them, "Katrina" is still going on.

A day later, Jordan went on to say:

I'm watching this whole debate with amusement.... There was no "Day After Katrina" for anyone with even the remotest amount of public responsibility. There was "that long undetermined amount of time that we went without sleeping or hardly eating" after Katrina. You folks in the rest of the world might have measured it in days. We didn't have the luxury of such trivial pastimes, as we had work to do.

Do any of these idiots think Harry Lee was putting in 8-hour days, then going home? Um... no.

I wasn't there, but I'd guess Harry Lee slept about an hour or 2 out of every 24 for the first week. I slept 1 hour per night for around 4 or 5 days. When I finally "slept" it was 6 hours in a chair, because my body simply collapsed and could go no more.

Anyone who thinks Harry Lee was tracking who spoke to him and when with such precision has no f****** clue what Lee was going through. There was no clock, there was no calendar... there was only the task at hand.

For Harry, "The Day After Katrina" was probably about 120 hours long. And, dare I say, 120 hours these pussies could never have handled.

P.S. To give you a scope of what it was like, I have spoken to about 6 people since the storm who believe they lost some vision during the storm due to their eyes just never closing. I've always had perfect vision (I'm a photographer, I know how my vision is), but 3 months after the storm I noticed I was holding things father away from my face and that my eyes hurt all the time. To this day, I get massive headaches if I look at the computer too long.

Was Katrina sleep deprivation the cause? Obviously, we'll never know, but there are a whole bunch of people who lost some vision all at the same time... and we'll always suspect it.

P.P.S. The one cool thing about this time frame was no speed limits. In the month after the storm I drove ~2000 miles, and if I was going less than 90mph on the highway I hit the gas some more. And I was just keeping up with traffic... we all had s*** to do. Cops were passing us up because they had s*** to do.

People who didn't live through it will never understand. It was on the one-month anniversary of Katrina that I heard the commander of the State Police get on the radio and ask -- ask -- people to hold it down to 80. He said they were not issuing tickets, but that we all had to take it down a notch...

Funny thing was: There were no accidents. We were so f****** wired, we were all paying attention.

The second month after the storm, things got ugly. People got used to the speed and quit paying attention. There were still fewer accidents than normal, but the percentage of fatalities was through the roof. About once per or twice per week there was an accident, and every one of them fatal.

I didn't see a cop running radar for 11 months... They were a tad busy. And these idiots think the Sheriff had time to update his day planner? Ha!

The meta-point being, these fools are looking at this time frame like it was normal... Dude, we were living on a different planet than the rest of you.

And now, so are the people engaged in this smear campaign.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:23 AM

March 01, 2009

If you're not following me on Twitter, here's some of what you're missing

Biden's first act as stimulus czar: Figuring out whether or not the "c" is silent.


Tonight on "24": Jack Bauer must drink 9 shots of Maker's Mark by 6 PM or the president will die.


Maybe we should send Rick Santelli to Gitmo. That would get Obama on his side.


Sounds like Jindal bombed, but at least it'll give Biden a good excuse for some funny 7/11 gags. 9:43 PM Feb 24th from web (Date and time given so I'm not accused of ripping off Limbaugh)


It's weird that Helen Thomas could be racist against people from India, considering she used to date Mahatma Ghandi.


Just talked to Helen Thomas. She was like, "Would Jindal try to put up a teepee on the White House lawn?" Didn't have the heart to tell her.


What would have a higher score: Stevie Wonder and Stephen Hawking playing soccer, or Helen Thomas and Joe Biden playing Scrabble?


Hey, when's (that's the website number) going to start a "Bidenisms" column? Also, "Internets" = LOL, calling Iowa "Ottawa" = Shhh


Or was it calling Ottawa "Iowa"? I don't know, those white folks all look the same to me.


Almost 90% of home foreclosures are happening in CA, FL, NV, and AZ. Break out your checkbooks, you other 53 states!


Biden haiku: "Stimulus package"/That's your mom's nickname for it/(Don't touch the hair, babe)


They'd better not impose the Fairness Doctrine on Twitter. Rebuttal: Twitter is unfair and should be subject to some sort of doctrine.


Remember when Kirk, Spock, and Bones started aging really fast? I liked that one. BTW, have you seen Obama lately?


"Anybody got a dirty fish tank?"


The new voice of black America:


Garofaloku: Listen up, black folks/Failure to think like I do/Is just self-loathing


Note to Andrew Sullivan: Hurricanes have human names, but not human birth certificates. Happy hunting anyway.


Another Kanye West Storytellers outtake: "Hitler had some good ideas, y'all. And them outfits was TIGHT."


It would suck to be twins in the Colonial fleet. "You dirty Cylon!" Leave me alone, dude.


What, you think you can do better? Go ahead.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:33 PM