April 29, 2009

Tweets his own

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I really don't think it was necessary for Chris Matthews to hold up a copy of Stephen King's The Stand and start keening.

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I'm not sure I like Obama's idea to celebrate his 100th day in office with a big pyrotechnic display at Ground Zero.

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Obama just announced that the White House will celebrate Flag Day with a huge bonfire. ACORN is now going door to door collecting our flags.

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Just watched Super High Me starring @dougbenson. Thumbs up. It's kind of like The Matrix, if Neo just didn't really care about the bullets.

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Watergate-gate? http://tr.im/jST8 I keep telling you, Obama isn't another Nixon. Nixon was an amateur.

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Oh, crap. This whole time I thought everybody was saying "It's Hawaiian flu." Guess I overreacted. Sorry for murdering you, Leilani.

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At least when George Bush was reading My Pet Goat, he genuinely had no idea Manhattan was being terrorized. And it wasn't by his own plane.

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NYPD instructed not to reveal AF1 joyride: http://tr.im/jTr8 Those terrified office workers must not know what transparency means. Racists.

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I can't wait to see how Timothy Noah incorporates this into his brilliant "Nobody's scared of planes flying into buildings anymore" theory.

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BREAKING: Plane Controlled By Enemies of America Terrorizes Manhattan (NOTE: Headline is from 2009)

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Or how about: Air Force One, Manhattanites Zero

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Plans for 2nd AF1 photo shoot over D.C. being "reconsidered." http://tr.im/jTDg What's the point, now that the Pentagon knows it's coming?

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The AF1 thing is a distraction from the swine flu that's distracting us from the hijacking of our health care system: http://tr.im/jTE0

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Obama names his next nominee for Secretary of HHS: Ann Thracks. Turns out these last 2 years have been an elaborate prank by Ashton Kutcher.

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BREAKING: Napolitano: Wash Hands, Give Polite "No Thanks" to Returning Mexico Vacationers Who Offer to Cough Directly into Your Mouth

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Just so I can say I published the headline before the New York Post did: ARMHOGEDDON

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Patient Zero: "No, no, seņor, I say I like to kees a puerco's lips!"

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Have you heard the original version of "Elvira" by the Oak Ridge Boys, with Janet Napolitano singing bass? Beats the Janet Reno version.

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This whole deal is really hurting business at my new restaurant, the Coughing Hog. I haven't sold a single Bacon & Sneeze sandwich all week.

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BREAKING: Arlen Specter Announces Brave Switch from Betamax to VHS: "I Didn't Leave the Superior Home Video Recording Format; It Left Me"

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Theory: If our principles work, trial and error will prove it. There could be no Reagan without Carter. And if they're wrong, why keep them?

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I just don't understand how the way to stop Obama from getting what he wants is to support people who are helping Obama get what he wants.

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I mean, Reagan was in a chimp movie, and he won two landslides. You think maybe his principles had anything to do with it?

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AF1 joyride over Manhattan was a "training mission": http://tr.im/jXR5 Come to think of it, so was the last one.

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It was a training mission. And a photo op. And they didn't tell anybody. Because they didn't know. Who keeps track of Air Force One, anyway?

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If you can't handle being reminded that "moderate" doesn't mean "SPEND ALL MONEY RIGHT NOW," then you're welcome to go to the Dems. Or Hell.

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http://tr.im/jXID Come to think of it, Shep should stick to car chases. Isn't there a local station in Mississippi that'll take him back?

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Please join Arlen Specter's Society to Help Obama Lord over Everything. I just took a self-pic for the buttons. Awkward camera placement!

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Arlen ditched his pals to sit at the cool kids' table, and now he's standing there with his tray as they mock his outfit: http://tr.im/jZWh

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If you're able to be talked into a course of action by Joe Biden, weren't you really going to do it anyway? http://tr.im/k1qU

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Obama would've thrown a fey slap at the Tea Parties earlier, but he only found out about them today when he was teabagging Anderson Cooper.

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Thanks, Mr. President, for interrupting primetime to tell me to wash my hands. Hey, has the government taken over Unilever yet?

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Maybe I can use one of the bathrooms in Air Force One to wash my hands. Do you know where it is right now, Barry?

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Swine flu is now the #473 cause of death in Mexico, according to what I just typed. #1 cause of death in Mexico: LIVING IN MEXICO.

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BLAH BLAH BLAH

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:41 PM

What if Perez Hilton was Director of the White House Military Office?

I don't expect you to have thought about it. But that's the title of the government functionary who, we're told, decided it would be a good idea not to inform New Yorkers that a low-flying jet was going to be rattling their windows so the Obama campaign could get some pictures of Air Force One in front of the Statue of Liberty. This guy didn't think the denizens of lower Manhattan -- the same people who heard planes fly over their heads into skyscrapers, watched those buildings fall, and then ran from huge clouds of smoke and ash pouring down their streets -- should've been given some sort of warning. Why let them in on it?

Not to mention that it cost something like $350,000 just for some photo op. Mark Hemingway at the Corner suggested that it could have been accomplished with Photoshop for much less, and someone obliged. The result is a pretty cool picture, but it's missing something. The thing it's missing is that special Perez Hilton magic!

(NSFW, probably)

perezversion.jpg

If another one of Obama's sycophantic drones is going to get thrown under the bus for doing something stupid, I wish it could be Perez. Oh well!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:01 PM

Get Your STORC On

Everybody remembers the late John Belushi's classic role as Bluto in Animal House, and his inspiring speech to the Deltas in their darkest hour. Here's part of it, if you haven't seen it in a while (NSFW):

People always focus on Bluto there. On his never-say-die spirit in spite of all odds. His unwillingness to submit to the will of his foes. His righteous kick to the 'nads of oppression, conformity, and -- frankly -- sanity.

But what about Stork?

You know Stork. He's the one who delivered that classic line: "Well, what the hell we s'posed ta do, ya moe-ron?" Stork was the guy who knew when he was beaten and cared enough to speak up about it. Stork gave in when things didn't go his way, and he knew it was an idea worth sharing.

There could be no Bluto without a Stork.

In that spirit, I'd like to propose a new organization for all Republicans and conservatives who never pass up a chance to throw in the towel. I'm calling it the:

Super
Tired &
Overmatched
Republican
Caucus

STORC! And of course, our rallying cry is Stork's immortal (and only) line. It can be used for pretty much any occasion:

  • "Arlen Specter finally jumped to the Democrats. Well, what the hell we s'posed ta do, ya moe-ron?"
  • "Millionaire news anchors are making oral-sex jokes about hundreds of thousands of ordinary people exercising their First Amendment right to speak out against massive government expansion. Well, what the hell we s'posed ta do, ya moe-ron?"
  • "Obama won the election, and he and the Dems see it as their license to lie and cheat and grab power like never before. Well, what the hell we s'posed ta do, ya moe-ron?"

Say it. Say it out loud. See? Doesn't that feel good? There's no problem you can't avoid solving with a few choice words, slurred out in a tone of sullen, bitter fatalism.

And by doing so, you can make a difference. Your sluggardly, world-weary defeatism can inspire those with the energy and passion to do what you can't or won't. You can disgust them into action. How can they decide it ain't over till it's over unless you keep reminding them it's over?

So do your part and wave the white flag today. Never give up givin' up. If conservatism is to be reborn, it must be delivered by a STORC!

P.S. If somebody with Photoshop skills wants to design a STORC button or something, that would be awesome. I've always meant to learn how to do that kind of stuff, but what the hell am I s'posed ta do, ya moe-ron?

P.P.S. Ask and ye shall…

STORC.jpg

Thanks, Aaron S!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:41 AM

April 26, 2009

I write things on Twitter, and then I post them here because apparently they're not "good enough" for the New York Times

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Shep Smith making an ass of himself: Torture, comedy, or just another Wednesday? http://tr.im/jy1W

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"When he says he won't do something, it usually means he already has." http://tr.im/jy6M

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Liberals would be all in favor of waterboarding if Perez Hilton used it to force Carrie Prejean to advocate gay marriage.

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You know what? I get it. She's dumpy but she can sing. Apparently this is the first time such a thing has happened in human history.

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BREAKING: CIA Interrogation Memos Reveal KSM Was Routinely Seated on Foam Cushion, Not Satin Feather Pillow; Hearings Planned

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The deeply moral stance against waterboarding is: The U.S. has debased itself by frightening terrorists. Which used to be called "success."

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Thank goodness our wonderful new president is making America safe from terrorists again. Oops, I mean safe for terrorists: http://tr.im/jEg9

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Bawney Fwank is a pwevawicating scwap of excwement. http://tr.im/jFSa

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The way libs are reacting to the facts about waterboarding, http://tr.im/jHiC, you'd think we were using holy water and they got splashed.

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Who burns the candle on both sides? Hangs the moon, controls the tides? Who has no problem getting laid? The one & only: http://tr.im/jHXE

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Arthur Kade isn't breaking into the movies. The movies saw him coming and threw open the front door.

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Women find themselves drawn to Arthur Kade. Many a 7 has lain awake at night after meeting him, longing to gaze deeply into his nostrils.

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The CIA discontinued waterboarding when they realized detainees were much more compliant when promised autographed pictures of Arthur Kade.

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Late one night on a lonely road, I hit a dog with my car. I leapt out, bent over it, and whispered: "Arthur Kade." It still died. But happy.

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In 2007, a tortilla bearing the image of Arthur Kade sold for $25K on eBay. Three days later, the seller bought it back at twice the price.

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Sure, Arthur Kade is (in the words of the immortal Voltaire) a gay-ass douchebag who sucks. But I admire his state of total denial about it.

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Hey, maybe we'll finally get to see his medical records: http://tr.im/jKFN (Whoops! Does daring to say such a thing make me a "nirther"?)

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Just got back from Talladega. Can't seem to find my hat. I know I had it until that last lap...

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Tired of promo campaigns for CGI cartoons. As if "Bee Movie" wasn't bad enough, now I can't go anywhere without hearing about "Swine Fu."

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Obama was exposed to swine flu in Mexico City, but he bored it to death. All victims are being encouraged to watch his speech Wed. night.

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My Twitter page is http://twitter.com/JTlol and you can follow me if you want. Why wouldn't you want to? Are you trying to be a dick? You know what, just forget it.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:29 PM

April 25, 2009

An appreciation

Arthur Kade, Arthur Kade
Stuff of which our dreams are made
In your talent, we find shade
Arthur Kade, Arthur Kade

Go.
Look.
Learn.

lookoutladies.jpg

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:19 PM

April 24, 2009

Just because this deserves a celebration

Here's an oldie-but-goodie. It was my reaction to Ted Rall's whining about "death threats":

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:23 PM

At last, we've found something Ted Rall can actually draw:

Unemployment.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 01:06 PM

April 21, 2009

As I sat in front of the plate of cold broccoli, unable to leave the table until I complied...

...little did I know that Mom was a war criminal.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:54 PM

April 19, 2009

Here's why Jon Stewart is a hack

Not only did this FBN guy recognize that the Republicans share the blame, but he then gave an accurate definition of fascism. All of which The Daily Show edited out because it didn't fit their narrative. If you want to mock this dude's goofy hair and voice, fine. But what Stewart did was blatantly dishonest, and it's why I don't watch his stupid show anymore.

"But he's just a comedian!" Well, he's a pundit when he wants people to listen to his political opinions. Then he becomes a comedian when he wants to deflect criticism of that punditry. Clown nose off, clown nose on.

Stop falling for it. Jon Stewart stinks.

P.S. Note that Cody Willard responded to this criticism by placing his comment back in the context Jon Stewart took out, not by trying to remove it from the public debate. Are you paying attention, CNN?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:28 AM

CNN is using a bogus copyright claim to keep the Susan Roesgen video off Youtube

If you can still view this video, please download it (I used keepvid.com) and then upload it to your own Youtube account. For more information, see Patterico.

The toothpaste is out of the tube, CNN. Keep trying to put it back in all you want, but it doesn't change the fact that we all know you have bad breath.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:11 AM

April 17, 2009

You're welcome, Pinch

couplabitches.jpg

Glad to provide you guys with some free content in these trying times.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:25 PM

Chet Huntley & David Brinkley, eat your hearts out

Greg Gutfeld watches CNN and MSNBC so you don't have to:

And now, in response, the great Batton Lash does it again:

csbb.jpg

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:13 AM

April 16, 2009

ATTN: All my Twitter followers

I just changed my screen name to JTlol, for the benefit of people who want to "retweet" my stuff but can't because of the 140-character limit. I don't know if I ruined everything with the new URL -- http://twitter.com/JTlol -- but now you've got 6 more characters to work with. Don't say I never did anything for you that in turns gratifies my own ego.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:37 PM

I can't seem to stop

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BREAKING: Rachel Maddow Drops to Floor in Hysterics After Asking Which White House Employee Will Be Putting Obama's New Dog in the Bathtub

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"Let them bag tea." http://tr.im/iX6d Taibbi has been a big fan of bailouts ever since Sean Penn brought his red plastic cup to New Orleans.

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Notice that 99% of the Tea Party signs are about ideas, not personalities. And the only thing these people want from the gov't is liberty.

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Rick Sanchez doesn't like tea either: http://tr.im/iX9A When he gets behind the wheel, he prefers something a little bit stronger.

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These Democrats sure are being belligerent. They're regular donkey punchers.

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"Did you know you're eligible for a $400 tax credit?" http://tr.im/iXpp Burn down my house, hand me a squirtgun, and expect some thanks.

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I only care about POTUS's approval ratings to the extent that I know he cares about them. I don't need anybody's approval of my disapproval.

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What to do about aging nuclear warheads? http://tr.im/iXCw Well, I know when Grandpa retired, he spent his free time doing a lot of fission.

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According to the latest DHS memo, apologies are now called "differently sincere obfuscational blame-shifting statements." http://tr.im/iXH3

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If Bush spent like a drunken sailor, Obama is like the entire Navy after looting every distillery in the U.S. Shut up? No thank you.

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Either the media are undercounting Tea Party attendance on purpose, or it's the same math skills they've shown with government spending.

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Please, please, please look at this and then talk to me some more about drunken sailors: http://tr.im/iYqy

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BREAKING: Susan Roesgen Punctuates Point About Bush Administration's Deficit Spending By Donning Hitler Mustache, Screeching

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@andersoncooper CNN: Above the fray. Your Cuban-American colleague in particular; he digs deep for a story. Gotta respect a dirty Sanchez.

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Susan Roesgen seemed confused when Anderson Cooper said he liked her outfit, but he wished somebody would give her a pearl necklace.

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Someone please help me.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:03 PM

Separated at birth?

blank-roesgen.jpg

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:32 AM

"He's just reposting his Twitter crap again, WAAHHHH!!"

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http://tr.im/iJwU Thus begins "This is how I bow to everybody who's shorter than me!" If only he governed as well as he covers his own butt.

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ATTN Jon Stewart: Will you be making funny faces at this one? http://tr.im/iJTg Hey, one of the reporters should have asked about housing.

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How do you say "I'm gonna kick those privates in their pirates" in Austrian?

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They said if I voted for John McCain, the President of the United States would clamp down on privacy. And they were right! http://tr.im/iKlO

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"We need to revive him. Get my gas can!" http://tr.im/iKxy

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So, POTUS authorized killing some guys because he thought they had weapons they didn't have? And the left is okay with it? http://tr.im/iKEs

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OBAMA PREVARICATED, PIRATES WERE AERATED

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A Countdown guest just fainted after Olbermann sucked all the air out of the room.

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Why do the pirates hate us? http://tr.im/iLQd And if the U.S. killed them even though they had no ammo, is that better or worse than Gitmo?

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Selective outrage: http://tr.im/iLTT "1, 2, 3, 4, America should stay ashore!" Somehow I don't think we'll hear anything like that.

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Andrew Breitbart on Jon Stewart: "He's as fearful of an opposing voice as he is his own last name." Oh, it's on. http://tr.im/iLXD

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Question for everybody who thinks the Somali deal was an unqualified success: Why didn't those guys give up when the Navy arrived?

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The underlying assumption in taxing the hell out of the rich seems to be that if you succeed, you must be cheating somehow. Losers take all.

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BREAKING: Andrew Sullivan Offers $10,000 Bounty for Sample of Megyn Kelly's Amniotic Fluid http://tr.im/iNGX

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Dear DHS: It's great that we have a black president. It'd be even better if our black president was doing a good job. http://tr.im/iNT9

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Wow, Jim Belushi just doesn't care anymore, does he? http://tr.im/iOsK

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No matter what, Al Franken can take pride in the fact that he got more votes than "Stewart Saves His Family" got dollars. http://tr.im/iOKJ

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Somewhere, John Chancellor and David Brinkley are looking down and beaming with pride: http://tr.im/iPEy

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So if I go to a Tea Party, do I get paid off there, right on the spot? Or do they send me a check? Please be more specific, Jane Hamsher.

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Tonight on Fringe: The team track down FOX execs who keep letting American Idol go long; infect them with flesh-eating virus; point, laugh.

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Ladies and gents, David Burge: http://tr.im/iQmf I know just enough about the netroots to get the jokes, but not enough to get mad at them.

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Why is it Obama only really comes alive when he's describing what he's going to make me do and how he's going to spend my money to do it?

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Forget all that stuff about Obama making America look weak in the eyes of the world. False alarm. http://tr.im/iQKW

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You're angry at me for speculating that Obama's photo op was fake? Imagine how I felt when you said the same thing about Sarah Palin's baby.

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I just lashed out in a frightening display of rightwing extremism by muttering a rude word when I put my taxes in the mailbox. ("Geithner.")

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I'm a bad guy for speculating that maybe POTUS manipulated a photo op. But hundreds of rallies w/ thousands of people each must be "a work."

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Continued string of savage rightwing extremist acts by flipping through channels and rolling eyes at MSNBC. Later: May make Olbermann joke.

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To anybody in the media who might be reading this, here's a quick refresher course on today's Tea Parties: http://tr.im/iSTY

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If Janet Napolitano thinks rightwingers are such a threat to national security, why hasn't she come up with an Orwellian euphemism for them?

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BREAKING: Anderson Cooper Giggles Uncontrollably During Report on Italian Archaeologists Unearthing Ancient Roman War Helmet

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BREAKING: David Shuster's 8-Minute Laughing Jag After Referring to Surviving Somalian Kidnapper as "One Angry Pirate" Sends Ratings Nowhere

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When you've got Greg Gutfeld calling you out for being juvenile and stupid... http://tr.im/iVLi The Tea Parties bewilder them. I say, good.

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Click this sentence to go to my Twitter page and get this nonsense straight from the tap.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:09 AM

April 14, 2009

I posted a thing on Hot Air Dot Com

They're letting me do that now. (I know, right?) It is here.

P.S. And I made Quote of the Day!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 05:09 AM

April 13, 2009

Follow me now

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I guess it makes sense that the Smoke Monster can be controlled with water. After 5 years, we finally know what the Island is: a giant bong.

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No, Obama is not Hitler. He's already inherited the Sudetenland.

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Leave it to a guy who thinks he walks on water to issue a jaywalking citation to pirates. http://tr.im/iEdG

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Relative of American politician suspected of sex attack: http://tr.im/iEmp Tyra Banks strangely uninterested.

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When somebody asks you why Obama's half-brother was refused entry into the UK, the proper response is, "Which half-brother?"

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Samson Obama is fittingly named: his most famous half-brother has the jawbone of an ass. But the only thing he kills with it is wealth.

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The last president's brother used to run a state. The current president's brother was run out of a country.

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It's common knowledge that polar bears are starving due to Bush. But who knew they were hungry enough to eat German food? http://tr.im/iEwk

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Yeah, it turns out you can't intimidate Somali hijackers with an attack ad. Feeding rumors about them to Kos won't cut it. http://tr.im/iEQo

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As inept and dishonest as this administration is, I find solace in the image of the beads of sweat hanging off David Axelrod's mustache.

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Jane Hamsher: Natural Born FAILer. http://tr.im/iF90

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Congrats to Capt. Phillips for staying strong, the Navy for saving him, and POTUS for peeking out from under his desk. http://tr.im/iGNc

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The surviving pirate is getting a trial? Too bad we're closing Gitmo. He'll probably be found Not Guilty by Reason of Wealth Redistribution.

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Next time they want to kidnap Americans, they'll know they have up to 5 days before we get serious. But hey, what could happen in 5 days?

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First order of business: Get this man a beer. The size of the Chrysler Building. http://tr.im/iH3a

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A pirate in an American jail. And not for putting unreleased movies on the Internet. Brave new world.

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Tonight on OZ: Pirate #4 meets his new cellmate, Samson Obama.

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So did he escape and they took advantage of it, or did they rescue him because Obama barked into a cellphone to Jack Bauer? Stay tuned.

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Taking a cue from Janet Napolitano, the U.S. Navy has renamed destroyers "rearrangers" and battleships "conflict-resolution floaty things."

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Can't wait until Meghan McCain goes on Oprah to promote her book, "A Million Little Concessions."

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LOL INTERNETS http://tr.im/iJwU At least he's talking about it now that it's politically safe. We need to do something about these privates.

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Twit for tw... oops!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:02 AM

April 11, 2009

To put it in terms my friends on the left might understand:

These Somali guys are throwing their shoes at our president.

And compared to the last guy, he's taking a whole lot longer to stand back up after ducking.

Still enjoying it?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:32 PM

You might say I have a Twittictive personality, LOL

NOTE: Some of these aren't exactly the way they appeared on Twitter. Call it Twittistic license. Or don't, see if I care.

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Guess who recommended "Taxi Driver" to Mark David Chapman? Glenn Beck. Emboldened, Beck then loaned "A Catcher in the Rye" to John Hinckley.

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First sign Kal Penn was up to something: "Harold & Kumar Stimulate Honest Dialogue & Bring New Voices to the Table." http://tr.im/iswM

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It took Reagan 15 years to go from an acting career to the White House. So you can go ahead and shut up about that now.

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Favorite scene from Van Wilder 3: Rahm Emmanuel flies into desk-toppling rage when Taj completely screws up Starbucks order.

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John Wilkes Booth finally snapped after months of listening to Mark Levin. Way to go, Mark, always calling the president "Abraham Stinkin'."

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Sarah Palin should know that you don't let people stay at your house even if they're practically family. Just look at Obama's half-brothers.

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When you welcome someone to the national stage by saying she faked her pregnancy, I'm skeptical about your impartiality. Signed, A. Kook

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Keith Olbermann: Twidiot. http://tr.im/isQI

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BREAKING: Pres. Obama promises to respond to Somali pirates' kidnapping of U.S. ship captain with "swift and decisive apologies."

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RT @McCainBlogette Dinner with beast friends [I picture her having a little tea party with her stuffed animals. -- ed.]

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The "Obama is a megalomaniac" thing is such a ridiculous right-wing smear. BTW, now he wants to take over the weather: http://tr.im/iui2

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http://tr.im/iujN HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

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So, you think we should worry less about missile defense than global warming? Hint: Everybody agrees that nuclear missiles exist.

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Desmond Hume was in the new episode of Lost for about 90 seconds. It's all about making effective use of your time.

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FDR knew about Pearl Harbor in advance but decided not to try to stop it, on the advice of his close friend and personal advisor Glenn Beck.

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Ben Linus takes showers instead of baths, due to an irrational aversion to draining the tub.

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U.S., Somali pirates in standoff over kidnapped ship captain: http://tr.im/iwfJ Oh, WE can tell THEM what to do? Way to be arrogant, guys.

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BTW, that ship is LOADED WITH FOOD FOR AFRICA. There we go again, throwing our weight around, not caring if it's okay with everybody else.

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"Guys, we're talking about housing now, not this direct repudiation of my foreign policy fantasies." http://tr.im/iwje

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You probably didn't know that Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked over that lantern after getting really worked up listening to Glenn Beck.

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Stop distracting us with this Palin clothing "scandal" and report about the real story: Her overdue video rentals. http://bit.ly/1IFHBM

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If somebody asks why we should care more about our own citizens than other countries' citizens, is it okay to question their patriotism?

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Homeland Security just sent out a memo specifying that Somali pirates are to be referred to as "seafaring freelance wealth redistributors."

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Meg-Meg McCain's Totally Awesome Guide to Being a Republican, Ch. 1: How Not to Distract Whoopi Goldberg with Facts

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Obama withholding comment on U.S./Somali contretemps until he decides which side he agrees with. Napolitano: "They're nautical organizers."

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They're not really making a big deal about it, but Meghan McCain's ghostwriter is going to be Miss South Carolina: http://bit.ly/3fWeQp

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It's comforting to know that this guy is one freak basketball accident away from being our president. http://bit.ly/lu46s

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Thing is, this happens to Bill Schulz ALL THE TIME. http://bit.ly/15SCL7 They're calling it an "Olbermann moment," except it's not real gas.

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Although I couldn't really pay attention to what Beck was saying, because I was too busy trying to get a peek at Schulz's nipples.

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Glenn Beck just poured water on Greta Van Susteren. R.I.P.

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Most cybersavvy White House ever: http://tr.im/ixxo What's worse, POTUS keeps sending "Numa Numa" to everybody like it's still 2006.

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If you're going to put up a story about a Madame Tussaud wax figure, shouldn't the pictures include the actual person? http://tr.im/ixAF

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Obama's dismissal of Somali pirate question even haughtier than I'd imagined: http://tr.im/ixGC Guess they're just spreading the wealth.

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Possible titles for Meg-Meg's book: How to Make Friends By Influencing Nobody. The Piffle-Driven Life. I'm OK, You're a Constitution-Hugger.

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I'd take Meghan McCain more seriously if it didn't seem like all this is just her way of snagging a spot as guest judge on American Idol.

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Navy SEALs on hold in Somalia crisis while POTUS determines whether Capt. Phillips has received excessive compensation. http://tr.im/ixZ1

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"An appropriate 21st century response" to pirates? What, making them walk a polycarbonate plank? http://tr.im/iy5R How about shooting them?

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Family of Capt. Richard Phillips breathes sigh of relief, Somali thugs tremble as John Kerry calls for piracy hearings. http://tr.im/iybh

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How would you feel if somebody you loved was kidnapped at sea, and the news called it an "annoying distraction"? http://tr.im/iyvQ

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When told the SEALs were ready to go, Biden asked if he could throw them some fish. Couldn't tell if he was kidding or not.

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No wonder Sarah Palin looks like that! http://tr.im/izBc Wish I'd known about this before I bought all those diet books and space heaters.

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"It's just a bow." Well, it's just the number 5. Why not admit you can get it by adding 2 and 2? Why are you being divisive and partisan?

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Go, Richard the Sea Captain: http://tr.im/izRp He's not waiting for Obama to spread the bullets around. Now they'll check his tax records.

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JTP got tired of waiting for somebody to ask Obama an actual question. Got pilloried for embarrassing him. Wonder how they'll jeer THIS guy?

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Domino's delivers. Obama hasn't. http://tr.im/iDVE

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But I understand the exasperation. What's so bad about an average Joe-- er, average Barack picking up the phone and ordering a pizzamaker?

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U.S. vs. pirates. How many other problems is POTUS going to bring back that were solved by Thomas Jefferson? (Revenge for Sally Hemings?)

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You can bet Kim Jong-il is keeping a close eye on this pilot situation.

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OMG T PARTEEZ R HITLAR http://tr.im/iALV

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I'm worried that we're going to see more of these kidnappings, now that people are realizing it's the only way to get Obama to shut up.

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@AnthonyCumia "Pirates"? Tsk tsk, they're now known as "maritime social-justice activists."

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"Words must mean something. Except for the preceding sentence." http://tr.im/iBDI

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After this interview, the two of them teamed up with Crispin Glover & Tracy Morgan and started a detective agency. http://tr.im/iBGD

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Why is this guy talking tougher to American taxpayers than to NK tyrants and Somali thugs? It's like Lex Luthor took over the Super Friends.

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Remember the theory that everyone hated us for being so warlike, and everything's okay now that we're playing nicey-nice? http://tr.im/iDi2

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Wow, these pirates really know how to get what they want: http://tr.im/iDjt

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Maybe the Obama administration will speak up about these Somali thugs if one of them says something nice about Sarah Palin.

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POTUS just flew in Wolfgang Puck to make him a sandwich.

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@TommyXtopher Don't worry, the sandwich came with a side order of carbon credits.

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@TommyXtopher Of course it's untrue, the guy just happened to have packed a suitcase full of pizza dough and ran into Obama at the airport.

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Janet Napolitano has dictated that 9/11 will now be known as "the regrettable but temporary aeronautic/architectural intermingling."

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The White House welcomes a fluffy, adorable new occupant who craps all over everything. Also, the Obamas just got a puppy. http://tr.im/iDu4

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Female SNL cast member hurt by media twisting around facts, taking things out of context. AKA karma. http://tr.im/iDvB

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Twitter News with Andy Levy: http://is.gd/rXyW Hey, how come Jamie Colby never lets anybody pour water all over her? In public, I mean.

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@andylevy Guess I'll just keep trying... BTW, I just had a beer with the unknown, and now I can't find my car keys. COINCIDENCE???

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Obama's Somali silence explained: If he condemns guys who coerce money out of those who've earned it, he'll have nothing left to talk about.

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Can you imagine if George Bush refused to comment on hijackers because they were white guys with cowboy hats?

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Dear Jon Stewart: And what you're worried about now is called "dissent." http://tr.im/iDO4 P.S. Why did I have to watch a commercial first?

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The reason I never answer Twitter's question -- "What are you doing?" -- is that you really don't want to know. Especially right now.

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Raise the Twitanic!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:29 PM

April 10, 2009

What a card

obamacard.PNG

See? He doesn't always need the prompter.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:14 AM

I'm told this opinion might be "extreme"

1) Presidents of the United States don't tend to go around apologizing for their own country on foreign soil.

2) Pirates don't tend to attack American ships.

3) When both happen within a week of each other, each one for the first time anybody can remember, there might be loose talk.

Shootings happen more often than we'd like, but people like Oliver Willis and Markos Moulitsas have no problem pinning one on Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh or whoever else they want to malign. Whereas pirates kidnapping Americans at sea happens once every 200 years. But I'm not supposed to wonder if President Obama running around the world with a "Kick Me" sign on his back -- which almost flew off during his spine-bending bow to a king -- has anything to do with America getting, um, kicked.

I mean, what's been protecting American ships from piracy for two centuries? (Assuming "simple common courtesy" is off the table.) Why hasn't this happened since before running water and electric lights? The horrible nightmare of the Bush Era is over and everything's supposed to be hunky-dory. Why isn't everybody else playing nice and sharing and using their words?

And about that bow. Yeah, it was just one guy bowing to another guy. Big deal. Well, then, why is the White House now claiming it didn't happen? Why are we supposed to defer to authority against the evidence of our own senses?

Tell me...

Are you sure? Remember: They're just lights.

P.S. Can you imagine if Bush had claimed he never put on a flight suit? Never stood in front of a "Mission Accomplished" banner? Not just that it might be interpreted some other way, but that it didn't happen at all? The Internet would've collapsed under the weight of all the Orwell quotes.

P.P.S. Supposedly I'm heartless because I don't think it's the president's job to make sure you have a house. And yet you're not heartless when a U.S. citizen is being held hostage by armed thugs in international waters, and your reaction to "Why isn't Obama saying anything?" is "Arrrr, matey!"

P.P.P.S. Homeland Security is now referring to these Somali thugs as "nautical organizers."

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:02 AM

April 09, 2009

I just realized why we haven't seen Vincent on Lost for so long

The closer we get to the final episode, the less they want to remind us about shaggy dogs.

Also, I don't know what lies in the shadow of the statue, but I'm pretty sure right now it's underneath Ben Linus's discarded, soiled underwear.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:57 PM

April 08, 2009

The past tense of "think" is "thought," so the past tense of "Tweet" must be "Twought"

Here are some of the Twitter Tweets I have Twitted over the last few days. I figure, as long as all these hilarious comedians keep insisting they can't find any humor in the First Real President We've Ever Had, I might as well move in on that action:

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One anagram of "President Barack Obama" is "An Arab backed imposter." Just one of those weird things that has nothing to do with reality.

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The Queen of England gets an iPod. The King of Saudi Arabia gets iDolatry.

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That North Korean missile escaped President Obama's notice because it didn't receive a retention bonus.

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When it comes to deficit spending, Obama burns down your house and reminds you that Bush once lit a match.

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Remember when Bush said "I don't know what the term is in Austrian"? It's not a language, you rube! Whoops, I meant Obama. http://tr.im/iioW

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Schwarzenegger isn't much of a governor, but it's inspiring that he's come so far since arriving in our country and only speaking Austrian.

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President Barack Obama has received accolades from around the world for his precise and masterful command of the American language.

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I wish they'd free Mumia already. Why would he have killed that cop? Who had even HEARD of Limbaugh and Beck back in '81? http://tr.im/ik9G

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Obama's like a kid in a candy store. By which I mean a store actually made of candy. And it won't stop raining.

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President Obama just sent Kim Jong-il a strongly worded apology.

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This just in: Some media outlets "leaned on the scales a little bit" for POTUS. http://tr.im/il4s In other news, Atlantis is "a bit damp."

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Domino's just delivered an extra-large pepperoni to Oliver Willis, when he SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED double pepperoni. Glenn Beck's revenge?

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BREAKING NEWS: People Who Like Obama Tend to Have Favorable Opinion of Obama http://tr.im/inXF

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Campbell Brown gives birth, allegedly: http://tr.im/ioZR So far, Andrew Sullivan seems to be satisfied with her cover story.

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@dailydish Don't you think it's odd that Campbell Brown is claiming that a miniature human came out of her? So much for "No Bias, No Bull"!

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Campbell Brown's page: http://tr.im/ip55 Um, do YOU guys see any "babies"? Oh, sure, she's on "maternity leave," whatever that means.

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The only man-caused disaster Joe Biden knows about is the one above his neck: http://tr.im/iplh

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BREAKING: Michigan State Appeals for 18-Point Bailout

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Wepwesentative Bawney Fwank weceives incweasing evidence that wunnin' things, it ain't all gwavy: http://tr.im/iprH

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Instead of "enemy combatants," how about "differently friendly social-change facilitators"? (Too blunt?) http://tr.im/ipxv

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Obama nixes Omaha Beach trip to honor WWII dead: http://tr.im/iqwi Someone told him "Those guys had cojones," & he misheard it as "bonuses."

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When they arrested the Unabomber, he had a heavily underlined copy of Al Gore's "Earth in the Balance." Which he bought to spite Glenn Beck.

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Newly discovered documents reveal Lee Harvey Oswald acted on orders from 12-year-old Rush Limbaugh. Jack Ruby's dying word: "Megadittoes."

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Tweet me with your best twought!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:01 AM

April 07, 2009

Do you like the new title?

Too bad.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:41 PM

April 06, 2009

I've been thinking about changing the name of this blog

I'm sick of explaining that it's a takeoff on a Tori Spelling TV-movie I've never actually seen. Just haven't been able to come up with another title. "The Treach-Hole," "Treach His Own," and "Once More Unto the Treach" seem too gay. "A Treachable Moment" is too cutesy. And "According to Jim" is taken, not to mention funnier than me.

Maybe I'll hold a contest. Maybe I won't. You just don't know, do you?

P.S. Oh, great... Actually, a few of those might be contenders.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:20 AM

April 05, 2009

Just in case he deletes it, like the stupid, underhanded creep he is

When we were out of power, we organized to win the next election. Conservatives, apparently, prefer to talk 'revolution' and kill cops. Signed, Markos Moulitsas

Shades of "Screw them."

P.S. Tommy Christopher: "I'm starting to feel like a lot of the liberal blogosphere is forgetting what it means to be a liberal, or maybe I’m using the wrong word. After 8 years of mortal kombat with the right, we've swung too far, become too belligerent." I agree with every word except "become." It's nice to have this concession to reality from a liberal, but some of us didn't need to see 8 years of this crap before we made the connection.

P.P.S. Ed's got the whole story.

P.P.P.S. Kos must be working out, because he's really moving those goalposts.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:12 AM

April 02, 2009

Building a Religion

Michael Hussey created this video and uploaded it to Youtube last year. For some reason, they put an age restriction on it, so you have to sign into your Youtube account and verify your age before you can watch it. This video doesn't have any profanity or naked people or violence, so presumably it's the sociopolitical content they find offensive. I just uploaded it again under my account, so you might still be able to watch this embed by the time I post this.

If you like this video, please create a Youtube account and re-upload it. (You can download it by going to this page and entering this URL.) Let's see just how committed Google/Youtube is to censoring political speech.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 02:36 PM