Yeah, I shot that guy
And I had some heart attacks
And I kept you safe
I'm bald and morose
I don't look good in swim trunks
Eight years, no attacks
Dear Los Angeles:
We stopped an assault on you
"Hey, thanks" will suffice
Look out, terrorists!
Obama's secret weapon:
Every time I sneer
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed faints
Try that one, Barack
We left you a mess
You're doing all the same things
Now they're not messy?
Bronx synagogues burn
Because of waterboarding
On Bizarro World
To mean anything you want:
Hello, Jon Stewart
You cried on September 12th
But haven't since: Why?
I'm not running for office
Your polls make me laugh
And, in the interest of equal time, here are some cheneyhaterku:
Didn't stop Atta!
Did too much to stop his pals!
I believe both things
Wish you'd go away
How dare you remind us all
You stopped terrorists
Heat doesn't melt steel
Fighting terror causes it
Up is really down
Earth to Dick Cheney:
Why no new 9/11?
They don't feel like it
KSM's damp face
Didn't do us any good
Worst war crime ever
P.S. A few more cheneyku:
Colin's not happy
His Republican Party
Always sides with Dems
Don't make me smirk, it ain't $#!+
Barack's terror plan:
Look out, Rush and Sean
I like Biden's style
He thinks "jobs" is three letters
When you attacked me
I disclosed my location:
All up in your face
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Good evening. It's good to be here. It's been... [checks watch] ...wow, over 3 hours since I last gave a speech on TV. Starting to go through withdrawal.
Great to see everybody here tonight. So many good people. We've got Joe Biden here. Sheriff Joe. Just look at him. Smiling and laughing like he has any idea what's going on. There ya go, Plugs, flash those choppers. You paid enough for 'em. "Just make sure they match the hair I bought, Doc." Folks, I hereby declare everything from Joe's neck up a man-caused disaster.
I kid because I love. Joe's a good man, good family man. Lovely daughter. You know, Ashley Biden was planning to take the Amtrak down here tonight, but she got distracted at the station by all those huge rails.
But hey, who am I to talk about family problems? I'd read you the list of all my half-brothers, but it's longer than the stimulus bill.
You guys heard about my half-brother Samson, right? Yeah, when he was heading over here for my inauguration, he ran into a... well, a bit of a problem in England. Got kicked out. Turns out they'd already met their weekly quota on child molesters. Oops!
Another big difference between George Bush and me: His brother used to run a state, and my brother was run out of a country.
And don't even get me started on my Auntie Zeituni. I'm the first president to deal with so much hassle from an alien since Independence Day.
Speaking of the news, interesting item today: A Saudi judge has said it's okay to slap your wife if she spends too much. [mock-dramatic pause, leans into the mic] And you still wanna know why I bow to them?
Boy oh boy, I'm in for it now. Should I look? I'm gonna look. [looks over at Michelle] Oof. Yeah, I know. I know. You gotta believe I love you, baby, but next time could you maybe wear the four-hundred-dollar shoes to the homeless shelter? You're killin' me out there. [to audience] Oh, man, that was not a good look. I am not looking forward to the ride home.
Well, it beats making her laugh. Every time she slaps the table, they have to bring out a new table. Know what I mean? [flexes biceps, snarls] But I tell ya, I've loved her from the first moment Skynet sent her back in time to kill Sarah Connor.
Anyhoo. Look at all these lovely people here tonight. Helen Thomas. I know you're out there, hot thing. Stand up, stand up. Oh, you are. Okay. Now, I've got a little surprise for you, Helen. A lot of people have taken to calling tonight's event the "Nerd Prom." And in that spirit, I'd like to announce... Helen Thomas is Queen of the Prom! Give her a big hand, folks.
Quick, Helen, look up! Just kidding.
Andrew Sullivan, there he is. And Todd Palin, good to have you here. You know, I heard these two had a little altercation earlier. I'm a little unclear on the details, but apparently it ended with Andy getting dragged away, screaming "Who's the real mother???"
Sorry about all that stuff during the election, Todd. You know how Axelrod can get. He's got all his little nerds typing away on their computers, e-mailing all that stuff to, heh... to respected journalists like... [chuckles] ...like Sullivan there. [laughs] And Kos! [audience laughs along for one solid minute]
Ah, heh, whew. And speaking of hilarious comedy, thank goodness for Tina Fey, huh? I cannot wait to raise her taxes. She'll be all like... [mimes holding tax statement at arm's length, gasping in astonishment] "Wait, what? I thought we was tight, yo!"
Meghan McCain. What a doll. Isn't she adorable, folks? Glad to see she fixed herself back up. See, earlier she was standing between Carville and Axelrod, and the glare from their scalps was melting her makeup. Anyway, I can't wait to not read your book, honey. How to Lose Friends and Influence Nobody.
But let's get back to me. I'm the reason you're all here tonight. Or anywhere, any night.
Hey, have you seen that new Star Trek movie? Terrific, terrific stuff. A Star Trek for our times. I've even read some reviews saying I'd make a good starship captain. Yeah. Can't you just see it? Right after I lay off 8.9% of the crew and blame it on the previous captain, I go around the galaxy apologizing to the Klingons. And the Romulans. And the Cardassians. And the Ferengi. And the Tribbles...
I wouldn't have Air Force One, though. Or as I like to call it, Air Force 9/11. We really put a good scare into those New Yorkers, huh? Gotta keep 'em on their toes. They'll get over it, though. I mean, what are they gonna do, not vote for me? [biggest laugh of evening]
Yeah, all kinds of people are kicking themselves for voting for me. Any Chrysler execs in the audience tonight? Wave your top hats and monocles. Just kidding, they're all in their panic rooms. If they want to figure out what the hell happened, I hope they stocked copies of The Communist Manifesto. It'll change your life! [grins]
Well, it's about time for me to clear the stage so Wanda Sykes can say things really loudly and wait for people to laugh. I hope she uses the Limbaugh jokes I sent her.
And that's my time, folks, you've been great. POTUS out!
P.S. From the same alternate universe: Miss Wanda Sykes. A few of the jokes are pretty raw, but at least this version doesn't wish death on anybody.
For the second Friday in a row, I've started a trending topic:
I realize that as boasts go, this is right up there with getting your World of Warcraft character to level 80. But what you have to keep in mind is go jump in a lake.
Pass it on.
From tiny seeds:
Do mighty A-holes grow:
If this post means nothing to you, congratulations on remaining Twitter-free. I was once like you. Don't judge me. Don't you ever judge me.
Jeff Zeleny just went to the front of the line for next year's Pulitzers. Assuming the NYT is still around by then.
So now we know why Daniel Faraday was crying the first time we saw him on Lost: it was Mother's Day.
Wash your hands, inflate your tires, eat your vegetables... I already have a mom, Mr. President, and she's prettier than you.
If Doctor Zero isn't blogging yet, he should be: http://tr.im/k4R1 By gum, I am printing that out and putting it on the fridge.
"Swine flu" offends Porcine-Americans. "H1N1" is just ridiculous. How about "supercooties"? Or, considering its origins: "Ebola Sunrise"?
Swine flu is just global warming with a runny nose. How long until Al Gore starts selling coughin' credits?
BREAKING: Joe Biden Warns of Worldwide Cooties Outbreak Among Schoolchildren; "Girls Are the Enemy, Do Not Let Them Touch You"
I am shocked that Kelly McGillis is a lesbian. In other news, Vice President George Bush just announced he's running for president.
I've already forgotten who sent me this link, but it's the perfect gift and I can't wait to give it to Anderson Cooper: http://tr.im/k900
This dry cleaning bag is itchy, but at least I won't get anybody's germs. Just hope I can hold my breath all the way to the store and back.
Last night I dreamt I was on the subway with Joe Biden. All I can really remember is him clawing at the window and screaming, "Gesundheit!"
Of the 183 "waterboardings," at least half occurred when KSM couldn't get the mouth of the Perrier bottle past his mustache.
It's a start! http://tr.im/keJw Now, Jonny: Is pouring water on KSM's face to stop another 9/11 worse than nuking 2 cities to end a war?
BREAKING: Pres. Obama Taking Over 3-Hour Block of Primetime Tonight to Announce New Hand-Washing Czar, TV's Howie Mandel
Just saw Wolverine. When I looked in the mirror. Adamantium abs, baby!
Now that outing CIA operatives is a good thing, apparently, somebody please remind me: How many lives did Valerie Plame save?
"I thought it was interesting how focused on him the answers were." http://tr.im/khXC The best journalism that the NYT can still afford.
It's a testament to Biden's gift of gaffe that his admonition to "gird your loins" gets lost in the shuffle, even at FOX: http://tr.im/kkzx
BREAKING: Swine Flu Czar Joe Biden Announces Immediate Recall of All "Babe" DVDs; "This Is No Time to Take Chances"
BREAKING: 6 Killed in Austrian Avalanche; President Obama Dispatches Translators to Convert Terms of U.S. Snow Embargo into Austrian