Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson are standing at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says, "Okay, you two can go on ahead, but we don't allow your kind in here. Go to Hell, you miserable disgrace."
McMahon says, "But I'm only half-Irish!"
Go to my Twitter page, http://twitter.com/JTlol, and scroll down as you see fit. There's some good stuff there, if I do say so myself.
They're gonna need 'em.
P.S. Defame a polite, soft-spoken beauty pageant contestant who holds the same opinion as the President of the United States and most of the voters in her own state: Hero.
Defame a hideously self-deformed pedophile who went insane and died of a self-induced drug overdose: Villain.
That was yesterday, right? Have fun rationalizing why it's okay now that Obama has finally done so, and yet why the wingnuts are still wrong!
Confection accomplished. Heck of a glob, Barry. Barack Obama doesn't care about lactose-intolerant people. "Now watch this drive... to the ice cream shop."
To learn more about how our emperor dawdled while Tehran burned, check out Jeff "What enchants you, Mr. President?" Zeleny's hard-hitting report, and Patterico's compare-and-contrast between an Iranian dissident and an American busboy. And then try to imagine the NYT's coverage if Bush had pulled a stupid stunt like this on a day like yesterday. Of course, if it'd been Bush, he'd be taking a break from his responsibilities (like supporting democracy), not a break from shirking them.
(In all fairness, that pic is from a previous ice-cream run, so his grin may not have been quite as wide yesterday.)
It isn't about the ice cream. People need to start realizing that Obama isn't the President of the United States; the United States is the throne upon which Obama sits. "Let them eat soft-serve."
P.S. In honor of Obama’s commanding leadership, Ben & Jerry’s has announced 6 delicious new flavors: Truncheon Crunch, Ayatollhouse Cookie Dough, Lemon Loin-Gird, Ineffectual Fudge, Let Them Eat Cake Batter, and Toffeetalitarianism.
P.P.S. As long as I spent all day on Twitter yesterday venting about this (for the sake of the structural integrity of my TV screen), I might as well post some of it here:
Michelle would've taken the girls for ice cream, but she's busy helping the Fantastic Four fight Dr. Doom while the Thing is on vacation.
Imagine if Bush went on an ice cream run during something like this. He'd be "Worst Person in the World" every day forever.
If you think you've got it bad, Iranian protesters, just be glad you don't have to worry about an ice-cream headache.
Alt-universe MSNBC graphic: "Fire & Ice (Cream)." Chris Matthews wants to know if Bush will be getting custard in prison.
Little-known historical fact: After Nero got done fiddling, he popped out for a lovely scoop of mint chocolate chip.
My Pet Goat: "Bush didn't care!" My Wet Cone: "Can't a guy have a life?"
The White House will put out another statement on Iran just as soon as it's transcribed from the Dairy Queen napkin.
If you think there was a lot of fudging on that sundae, wait until you see Obama's next statement on Iran.
Alt-universe Letterman: "Vice President Palin took her daughter for ice cream on Saturday. I woulda pegged her as more of a Slurpee gal."
Rachel Maddow's entire hour Monday will be devoted to what she's calling "Sundae Bloody Sundae." #ifobamawasrepublican
Fred Armisen walks onstage dressed as an ice-cream bar with an afro, must wait 1 full minute to say his first line. #ifobamawasrepublican
Palin wasn't supposed to run for VP because it would take time away from her kids. Whereas Obama's the World's Best Dad while Tehran burns.
For every minute Bush spent reading to kids after hearing about 9/11, Obama has had 1 full day to deal with the Iranian election.
BREAKING: Obama Calls for Tolerance of Opposing Opinions, Lactose
From Letterman's monologue next Mon.: "This situation in Iran is somethin', huh? Haven't seen chaos like this since the last Bush family picnic." [Makes "glug-glug" drinking gesture]
Mr. President: What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Because we know condemning this outrage isn't on the list.
"I can see Haagen-Dazs from my house!" #ifobamawasrepublican
(Crossposted to hotair.com)
Hillary falls and breaks elbow: http://tr.im/p19r That's nothing. Remember the time her husband slipped and busted a nut?
"What if Ashley Biden was Bristol Palin?" http://tr.im/oZSw Well, for one thing, we'd never know she'd gotten pregnant.
Obama will say anything that gets him through the next 5 minutes. Luckily for him, that's also the memory capacity of the average reporter.
I like the White House / The aroma lures me in / Keep shoveling it #flyku
I particularly enjoy the way they arrange themselves into a halo over his head: http://tr.im/oX3f
I'm Liam Neeson / As your face already knows / Well, what's left of it #takenku
It's not like this is the first time a fly has been brought down in the White House. Just ask Monica.
If President McCain had gone to the Pyramids and said, "Hey, that hieroglyphic looks like Obama!", how many new suits could Rev. Al afford?
Don't expect any action on Iran unless Ahmadinejad tries to start a private business or makes fun of Obama's ears.
I started off old / Became Brad Pitt, then a child / Only took 3 hours #benjaminbuttonku
The Iranian vote is completely legitimate, according to election monitors Good Will and Doodad Pro.
Andrew Sullivan is demanding Willow Palin's ticket stub from the Yankees game, if such a team exists outside of Sarah Palin's diseased mind.
You can follow me on Twitter if you want. If you don't want, I'm not sure how that's my problem.
Since I'm being congratulated on both the left and the left for starting the ball rolling on this -- I can't take all the credit, guys, but thanks for the high praise -- it's probably expected of me to give a public response to Letterman's apology last night.
He did the right thing.
He gave an apology in which he actually apologized to the specific people he wronged. Which, to some observers, is apparently optional. I don't think it is, nor does anyone else who's honest enough to admit what the word "apology" means, so I'm glad he specifically included an expression of regret for his actions.
And he named the wronged parties, particularly Willow and Bristol Palin. That's the main thing. Whether he intended it or not, he hurt a kid whose only crime was going to a baseball game, and her older sister, whose only crime was having a child out of wedlock just like David Letterman. Well, that's putting aside the unforgivable crime of being born to Sarah Palin.
He said he was sorry, and he didn't play it for laughs (mostly). It might be a week late, but he did finally swallow his considerable pride and say it. And it only took half as long as the last "apology," maybe because he didn't yet again read off the jokes that got him in trouble in the first place and wait for the audience to applaud him for it.
Some people are focusing on his demurral that his intent didn't match the public's perception. But keep in mind, he then immediately said it didn't matter, and nobody's to blame for what happened but him. Basically, he was saying, "I didn't mean it the way it came out, but the results are still my fault." I would have liked him to explain how he and his staff were interested enough in a state governor who lost the last election to track her movements, but too lazy to make sure that their cruel slur against her daughter was actually directed at the correct one. But he did say that he honestly had no idea Willow was at that game. He should've said so to begin with, but at least he finally realized how important that part was.
I'm not saying I'm suddenly a Letterman fan again, but we need to accept his apology. Sarah has, and good for her. She was right to call him out on his phony apology, and she's right to accept his real one.
Now maybe she can accept his invitation and take her message to Letterman's audience. Maybe if he meets her face-to-face, he'll realize she and her family are actual human beings and not just props in his game of Bash the Evil Conservatives to Keep Up with Stewart and Colbert. Heck, he might even listen to what she has to say. He might realize she has something to say.
And if she gets in a few zingers at his expense, as is her due, you can bet he'll go out of his way to be gracious about it.
Well, a promise is a promise, so now that he's said pretty much what I and many others demanded he say: David Letterman does not think raping little girls is funny.
How is it you claim to be so hip, and yet you're so woefully ignorant of such a touchstone of pop culture?
Ha ha, you didn't know something. Don't worry, you'll get over it.
Apparently it's confusing to some people, so let's see if this helps explain why one of the jokes Letterman made the other night was a joke about raping a 14-year-old girl:
I realize I just threw a lot at you there, progressives, so feel free to take as much time as you need to sort through it.
[A long, long time passes]
All done? Think you've got it? Okay.
Now, during Letterman's "part apology, part clarification" that neither apologized for nor clarified anything, he insisted that he wouldn't make a joke about a kid getting knocked up because that would be sick, and he's not sick. While this is truly a mighty fortress of logic, the fact remains that he spent eight full minutes on the topic last night without explaining why it wasn't really a Willow Palin joke, even though Willow was the only Palin daughter at the event he was talking about.
"It doesn't matter which Palin daughter got knocked up in that fictional scenario," you cry. "It's totally irrelevant to the joke!" Hey, don't tell me. Tell Willow Palin. She's the one who went to a baseball game with her mom and dad, and got slammed for it on national TV by a very wealthy and prominent older gentleman who has a history of problems dealing with women.
Whew! Everything's okay now, folks, because David Letterman has publicly apologized for cruelly mocking the teenaged children of a politician he doesn't like:
You can tell this is an apology because at no point does he actually apologize. Just because it's an angry, insincere, self-pitying ("Get yourself a talk show, folks"), self-justifying whine, that doesn't mean we shouldn't just drop the whole thing already. They're only jokes, right? First Amendment! You wingnuts do it too! Etc.
So now we're supposed to accept that Letterman wasn't lashing out at Sarah Palin through her 14-year-old daughter -- which would be totally sick, after all -- but through her 18-year-old daughter. He was just too lazy to make sure he was publicly humiliating the correct offspring of the person he clearly loathes, right?
And we're also supposed to accept that even though he was joking about Bristol being a slut -- not Willow, honest! -- it's okay because after all, Bristol is an unwed teen mother. It wasn't a rape joke, silly, it was a whore joke. This is the substance of Letterman's "apology."
Hey, all you Palin-haters, here's a fun fact you might not know: Barack Obama was conceived out of wedlock when his mom was barely legal!
That's right, Ann Dunham Soetoro was born on 11/29/42, she married Barack Obama, Sr. on 2/2/61, and their son was born on 8/4/61. So lil' Barry would've been conceived somewhere around his mom's 18th birthday, most likely before, with a man who was not her husband. And his parents' subsequent marriage wasn't even legal, because Barack Sr. was still married to a woman in Kenya. Ann was in the same situation then as Bristol is now, except the father hung around a little longer. And she didn't have a seething mob dogging her heels and then running back to their news networks and late-night talk shows.
Boy, I'll bet Jack Parr is in Heaven right now, wishing he'd done some hilarious gags about Obama's mom banging Mickey Mantle and getting hit on by JFK.
Here, Dave, let me try to help you out: "Governor Palin, I apologize for my amazingly stupid and cruel jokes about your daughter, and for being too lazy to even make sure I was joking about the correct one. It was wrong to lash out at you through your children, and I won't ever do it again." If you're capable of saying that, then maybe we'll think about letting you off the hook.
Until then, I'm sticking with "Letterman thinks raping little girls is funny."
P.S. Tim Blair has a good round-up of reaction to Letterman's hostile squirming. Isn't it interesting that CBS took the A-Rod joke out of the transcript it sent out?
P.P.S. The Palins put out a statement that they have no intention of boosting Letterman's ratings by appearing on his show, and besides, it would be wise to keep Willow away from him. I was kind of hoping Todd would help Letterman with a brand-new bit: "Will It Heal?"
P.P.P.S. "Because, you know, all unwed mothers are sluts, except for Letterman's wife." Well, he did marry her... once his son hit kindergarten.
Look out, Guy Cimbalo. There's a new thuglike misogynist creep in town:
Before I continue, I'll pause for a moment so you can catch your breath and ease that stitch in your side.
Okay. Most of the attention is going toward Letterman's "slutty flight attendant" crack, but this one is actually worse.
At first I thought "her daughter" referred to Bristol. Which would be a pretty crappy joke to make about somebody's kid, no matter how much you disagree with the parents' politics (or mere existence, apparently). But it'd still be fair game. After all, Bristol did what she did. That's not to say she should be happy about over-the-hill comedians getting cheap laughs from her mistakes, but hey, that's comedy.
The thing is, that joke isn't about Bristol: Palin brought her 14-year-old daughter Willow to the Yankees game with her.
That's right: A state governor went to a baseball game with her underage daughter, and a national talk show host made a joke about the girl being sexually assaulted by one of the players.
I realize I'm just an inbred backwoods moron who can't abide by any criticism of Sarah Palin whatsoever, but is this really the precedent we want to set for our politicians and their families?
After all, Samson Obama, one of the president's many half-brothers, isn't allowed in the UK because he tried to assault a 13-year-old girl. Are we to impose the Letterman standard there? Is it okay to make a joke like this?
"How come the First Family never invites Uncle Samson to visit? Because whenever Sasha and Malia sit on his knee, it takes six Secret Service guys to pry them off!"
Or how about this?
"Joe Biden keeps saying he's not really sure where all that stimulus money is going. In other news, Ashley Biden's coke dealer just bought Luxembourg."
Hey, I didn't say they were good jokes. But are they really worse than what Letterman just got away with on national TV? If so, why?
P.S. If you're still not quivering with rage at my effrontery, Ace should make you mad.
P.P.S. The NYT posted a transcript of Letterman's monologue, but one of the jokes was left out. Can you guess which one?
P.P.P.S. As a special treat for Roy Edroso and friends: Lettermanku!
P.P.P.P.S. Is your blog sending me very much traffic? Sadly, no.
Apparently this is the 89th most popular political blog out of all the blogs that blog politically in the blogpolblog.
Guess what else? There is no apparent reason for it! But okay, here is a thing to post on a blog:
Yeah, I know, it looks like her thoughts are coming out of her ear. But I do not feel like fixing it because I am such a genius.
Next stop, #189!