Jim Treacher's Blog That Is on the Internet

Imagine if Ron Ziegler had tried to claim the Watergate Hotel didn't even exist

That's basically what Robert Gibbs did today:

The consensus is that Climategate is real. You're a denier, Robert Gibbs. The silence is not settled.

A friendly chat with the global warming evangelist who lives in my head

Hello, hyperventilating zealot.

Greetings, denialist scum.

Now that we've dispensed with the formalities, please allow me to point and laugh at you. Ahem. Ha ha ha! Point point point!

Shut up.

That's what you'd like me to do. That's what you'd like all of us to do. Shut our mouths and open our wallets. Did you really think it was going to be so easy?

This doesn't prove anything.

What doesn't?

You know.

We both do. I just want to hear you say it.

This Clim... This Climateguh. Guh.

That's it, almost there.

This Climategate garbage doesn't mean anything! You science-denying neocon fascist racist warmongering planet-raping... [Goes on like this for a bit]

My goodness. Feel better?

No.

Well, I do. OMG, can you believe Obama changed his mind about going to Copenhagen after all this stuff came out? It's like sprinting to board your ship at the last minute, and it's the Titanic.

You're the Titanic. You are.

Should we do this some other time? You're making even less sense than usual.

Do you really think you know more than scientists? They're scientists.

Yes, and science is a wonderful thing. It has expanded our knowledge of the physical world and improved our lives in countless ways. It also has nothing to do with what these frauds, and the useful idiots who believed them, have been pulling.

How would you know?

I can read. "Hide the decline" and "Quick, delete these files before somebody catches on" and "HOLY CRAP WHY CAN'T I GET THIS DATA TO SAY WHAT WE NEED IT TO SAY IN ORDER TO KEEP OUR JOBS" aren't exactly complex scientific concepts.

That just shows what a simpleton you are. You put scientists on a pedestal, so when you see them behaving like regular human beings, you think they've done something wrong.

Pedestal? I'm not putting them on a pedestal. You're the one who's been taking their every word as gospel and hurling invective at anybody who dares to question them. I've been saying all along that they're fallible and they're not telling us everything. This Climategate stuff is better proof than I ever could have imagined.

It's just the normal peer-review process. You wouldn't understand.

I understand that when they say things like "We need to keep these guys out of peer-reviewed journals" and "Let's get this editor fired for publishing an article that disagrees with us," it goes beyond the regular process. It's thuggery. It's a disgrace.

The science is settled. You're a denier. You probably don't believe in the Holocaust either.

What's next, are you going to rip off an old Gilbert Gottfried joke and act like you've done something clever? Settle down, you're sweating through your hemp shirt.

Hemp is a miracle plant, man. You can make so many different things out of--

Fascinating, yes. So you're taking all of this news well, that's the important thing.

F*** you, denier.

I'll get right on that, just as soon as I buy an SUV big enough to carry all the incandescent bulbs I'll need to light my new coal plant.

F*** you, denier.

Okay. Well, have a good one, Chicken Little.

F*** you, denier. F*** you, denier. F*** you, denier. F*** you, denier. [Rocks back and forth in corner, weeping softly, until it's time for Living with Ed]

P.S. "The science is settled... er, at the bottom of that dumpster!"

P.P.S. Climategate is a story about computer hacking in much the same way Watergate was a story about parking garages.

Previously: A friendly chat with the liberal who lives in my head

The media's full of stories about a married couple who conned their way into the White House and made a mess

But when I say it...

Katie Couric might be the best journalist ever

Ah, yes. Katie's gravitas-laden ode to journalistic impartiality brings to mind that other beloved classic:

'Twas the night she got $#!+faced, and all through the club,
Katie Couric was looking for guys to butt-rub;

But the gentlemen found her too haggard and squat,
So she showed some young ladies that "It" she's still got;

She stuck out her buttocks like eggs in a basket,
While poor Walter Cronkite did flips in his casket;

The Bump, the Electric Slide, and the Lambada,
It was Couric: 53, Dignity: Nada;

She chirped with a giggle, her arms and legs flailin',
"You'd never see this from that redneck slut Palin!"

Then I heard her exclaim as she threw back her drink,
"I make more than you all! Incidentally, I stink."

Katie Got Back

She likes third place and she cannot lie
You other anchors can't deny
When a dwarf rolls in with a belly full of gin
And the cougar-booty moves begin
You get sick
No pulse in your dick
'Cause you notice that chick is Couric

Little in the noodle but she got much hack...

This $#!+ is real. Gawker has more, and this is probably the least mortifying pic of the bunch.

Well, now we know what Katie Couric reads: Tanqueray bottles and The Source.

Malik Nidal Hasan Goes to Heaven

EXT. GATES OF HEAVEN* - ETERNAL DAWN

Ridwan, gatekeeper of the Muslim afterlife: Hasan! Welcome to Paradise! Allah be praised!

Hasan: Thank you! Oh, it's so nice to finally be here. The infidels, death to them all, they made me wait so very long.

R: Yeah. Infidels. Don't you pity 'em? Anyway, you're looking good. Er, as good as... as can be...

H: It's okay, you can say it. I don't mind being in this wheelchair. All in a day's jihad.

R: Good. Excellent! That's the spirit, if you'll pardon the expression. Okay then, my friend. Paradise is yours. What would you like to do first?

H: Yes, um... If it's no trouble... I was kind of hoping I could... Ahem... This is embarrassing.

R: Not at all! You'd like to meet your 72 virgins, wouldn't you? Yes? It's okay, a promise is a promise.

H: That would be very very very very nice.

R: I hear you, I hear you! Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you've been a really terrific martyr, and your multitude of unsullied maidens awaits. They're eager to fulfill your every desire. Aching to service you beyond all earthly imagining. I have to say, they're really quite revved up about it. You're a bit of a celebrity around here!

H: Oh, dear sweet Allah, yes, y-- Wait. What's the bad news?

R: They're at the top of those stairs.

SMASH TO BLACK

*Not the ridiculous Christian heaven as imagined by the pinch-faced scold and the uneducated rustic, but the exotic Muslim Heaven, their belief in which we must all try to respect.

Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, No Breast Exams for Mama

(Sung to the tune of everybody's favorite song of 2009)

Mmm, mmm, mmm, no breast exams for mama
You'll wait till 50 years of age
Assuming you've not left the stage

Mmm, mmm, mmm, no breast exams for mama
You voted for him? That's divine
You still don't get to cut in line

Mmm, mmm, mmm, no breast exams for mama
You only get your tiny portion
Unless you want a quick abortion

Mmm, mmm, mmm, no breast exams for mama
The tumor's growin' like your dread?
No need for cuttin'; pills instead

Mmm, mmm, mmm, no breast exams for mama
You might die younger than you ought
At least this $#!+ will cost a lot

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Any senator who votes yea tonight is voting yea for the bill. Let 'em know that you know.

You know one of the nice things about being friends with a cartoonist?

You can tell him an idea you think is pretty good, and the next day he sends you something that's better than you could have imagined:

The great Batton Lash does it again! Check out all his good stuff at exhibitapress.com and BigHollywood.com.

And thanks to the not-so-great Dana Milbank for the inspiration. Maybe these guys think they can say whatever they want and we won't notice, since nobody's buying their crappy newspapers anymore.