Mother, May I Sleep with Treacher?

This seemed too good to just leave in Breda's comments

I'm pretty much past being bummed about the election, and I'm choosing to view this whole thing as a real-time comedy/reality show. How hard will they have to twist themselves into knots to avoid admitting Obama made a mistake? Did Palin use too many ketchup packets at lunch today? Hey, Biden's eyes are now on the sides of his head. It's an interesting look, don't you think?

Ambling through the grocery store today, looking at all the faces, black, white, and otherwise, I felt a weird sort of elation. Like a weight being lifted, but something more: Soon they'll know. I don't have to keep trying to tell them. They will look back on these days of calm and plenty, and they'll realize what they've done. And so will I.

So I got that goin' for me.

Breda is great! And armed.

P.S. Er, I said that, not Breda. I left it in her comments. Sorry, I worded that vaguely. She really is great, though.

...that you'll ever do

There he is, America. The man who could be a heartbeat away from the presidency. The man who'll take over if, say, Obama dies of lung cancer or some other ailment we don't know about because he won't release his medical records. (Assuming Biden doesn't have another aneurysm first.)* The man who said "jobs" is a three-letter word, and FDR went on TV to talk about the stock market crash of '29, and people in wheelchairs should stand up to be recognized, and America will be attacked if Obama is elected, and any number of other embarrassments. The man who once proposed sending Iran a no-strings-attached check for $200 million as America's way of saying, "Sorry for provoking 9/11!" The man who had to drop out of the presidential race 20 years ago for plagiarism, and has more hair and fewer wrinkles now than he did then. The man who has screwed up so many times over the last few months, even Karen "Don't mention the crimes of Obama's pal Franklin Raines or you're a racist" Tumulty is sick of it.

This is the man who's being hidden by his own campaign after decades of national prominence because he's a [FILTHMOUTH] idiot.

But have you seen that Palin chick? Wotta dope, huh?

One comfort, if these creeps do get elected: It'll be fun to listen to Mark Levin tear "Plugs" Biden a new one every single day until Obama stops talk radio.

*Hey, if you don't like me saying so, you shouldn't have brought up McCain's health problems. Aww, are you gonna cry? Is baby gonna cry?

Barbara West has a Wikipedia entry just for asking Joe Biden some questions

Imagine that. It took Rielle Hunter weeks to get one after she made national news. But then, the only questions Rielle ever asked a candidate were, "Why are you putting on that condom?" and "Why are you putting on that paper bag?"

(Thanks to the guy with the best screen name and attitude ever.)

Barbara the Reporter

And now the complaints that she wasn't "vetted," in 5... 4... 3... 2...

Biden's been undergoing the same sort of training with Ted Baxter

No wonder Sarah Palin did so well on "Saturday Night Live." Since she was tapped as John McCain's running mate, the Alaska governor has been receiving intense media training from top New York-based presentation coach Priscilla Shanks, who regularly trains the talent from ABC News and CBS News...

Sorry, Hollywood. She's gonna be a bit busy.

What's $5.3 million divided by $150,000?

The Temple of Barack cost $5.3 million. That's how much the DNC spent on the ridiculously overblown backdrop to Obama's dumb acceptance speech that nobody could even remember 24 hours later. Too bad they didn't add a few more Greek columns, or we could call it the Six Million Dollar Sham.

And I don't see him traveling with that set. (At least Spinal Tap got some use out of their Stonehenge.) Is the DNC auctioning it off for charity, like the RNC is going to do with the Palin family's campaign threads?

Perspective: 45 minutes of fascist iconography = Two months's worth of clothing for 35 Palin families. A subject, by the way, that you're only bringing up to distract people from Biden's public promise that if Obama is elected, we will be attacked.

The Palins aren't millionaires. She hasn't written two autobiographies about how great she is. She's not keeping the clothes. And now you guys have opened up this line of rebuttal. You really messed up.

Again.

Biden Clarifies Earlier Remarks on His Dread of an Obama Administration

Richmond, VA, Oct. 22 -- At a campaign stop in a Richmond-area Denny's earlier today, Delaware Senator and Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden followed up on his controversial claim last Sunday that within the first six months of an Obama administration, America would "have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy."

Biden's statement to the press:

"Ya know, I kinda put my foot in my mouth the other day... [chuckle] You folks know how I can get, with the words and the talking and the babbling and the yammering and so forth. But I just wanted to clarify those remarks. I know I speak for Obama when I say that we are ready to lead. Come what may, we are gonna be out there in front. Because I gotta tell ya, when this great man, this fantastic young African-American kid who I'm proud to call my closest friend, when he becomes president, the American people need to know that you are all gonna be grabbin' your ankles every April 15 for the rest of your probably-shortened lives.

"I mean, the taxes, they're gonna be unbelievable. Holy f***. So we'll need your help with that. You're gonna have to pay 'em. There's no way we can repel a full-scale nationwide tax revolt without resorting to nuclear, biological, or chemical weapons, at least in the scenarios they've shown me, so we're countin' on you to do the right thing.

"And I'd say to America, this land that I love: You've all seen what an agent of change Barack Obama is. He's brought together people from all walks of life. He's inspired every single person in this country, no matter who you are or what you look like or even if you're into, y'know, the funny stuff. [chuckle] Which is gonna be a great comfort when the Obama administration strangles the U.S. economy and sets off a long, terrifying race war.

"It is gonna suck beyond anything you could ever imagine. I'm not even kidding. I have a great fondness and admiration for the African-American people, I think they've done some great work over the years, but when push comes to shove, I know which side I'm on. You follow me?

"But Obama is gonna be there, and he's gonna learn the ropes, probably. It'll be really hard for you guys to survive in the nightmarish, decaying wasteland he'll make of this great nation, but those are the sorts of experiences that shape a man. And I know he's gonna come through it okay, at least in terms of his own personal safety."

Before being escorted out of the restaurant by frenzied campaign aides, Biden added, "And don't forget Iran! They know he's a pushover. Which is one of the things I love about the guy, he's a pussycat, but these animals? Boy oh boy. Can you say 'suitcase nuke'? I don't know for sure which city, but I'm guessing one of the smaller Midwest towns we're not watching that closely, maybe Omaha or Akron or one of those deals. You should probably start evacuating now.

"Okay, whoa, looks like my time's up. Easy on the threads, fellas, it's a rental. [chuckle]"

(Note to any media outlet that uses this: You had better by God credit me.)

If RNC = Real Nice Clothes, then DNC = Distractions from a Nincompoop's Craziness

But thanks for the link.

Speaking of Biden, I've been getting some tips on his followup statement, which the media has been trying to bury as well. Developing...

Maybe Biden's smarter than we think

McCain has promised to reach across the aisle if elected, right? So maybe "We'll get attacked plenty quick under an Obama administration, just you wait" is Biden's way of angling for a cabinet post? I'd say he's earned one.

Secretary of Da Dunce!

"Let's play a little game... which candidate on a national political ticket hasn't held a press conference in over a month?"

The answer may surprise you. (If you've been brainwashed. In which case, you're already formulating whatever excuse you need to believe to calm your cognitive dissonance.)

"We need to fix this, fast. Were there any plumbers in the crowd?"

Joe the Dumber, AKA Biden, whose latest facial mutation resembles a glob of bread dough with two raisins pressed into it*, sure is making Palin look like the stupid one:

"Mark my words," the Democratic vice presidential nominee warned at the second of his two Seattle fundraisers Sunday. "It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Remember I said it standing here if you don't remember anything else I said. Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy."

See headline.

*I know, I know. But at least McCain is under no illusions about the hands of time. If these idiots get elected, every month they'll ship drums of virgins' blood to the Naval Observatory for Biden to bathe in. Just kidding, they wouldn't necessarily need to be virgins.

Liveblog the debate? Why not?

There's supposed to be a CoverItLive window there, but I'm not sure it works with this crappy version of Movable Type I've never bothered to update. If not, click here.

Well, that sucks. CoverItLive crapped out on me after 2 minutes. Guess I'll have to do it the old-fashioned way...

• So far, so boring. I did like "Can I call ya Joe?" She made sure to get that on the mic.
• She's looking at him. It was bad when McCain didn't do that, so it'll be interesting to see why it's bad when she does.
• Common sense. She'll take some heat for that.
• Joe hasn't mentioned anything yet about how this reminds him of FDR's comments on the Cuban Missile Crisis in his interview with Arsenio Hall.
• Snaps!
• Joe's point aboutZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
• Yes! She's hitting the "paying taxes is patriotic" thing. Nice.
• Ooohh, Gwen's seeing dollar signs.
• Corporations bad. Bad corporations!
• "Bridge to nowhere." Good, now a book-banning reference. Wait, no, Troopergate! Oh, there are so many urban legends to choose from.
• "How long have I been at this, five weeks?" She's sassy. Which is bad! I want a boring VP.
• Joe Biden is super-boring.
• I have no idea if what she's saying is true, but at least she's putting some inflection in her voice.
• Biden's about to contribute to global warming.
• That's an odd way of putting it: "What's true and what's false about the causes of global warming?" Even scientists can't agree on what's true or not, no matter what Al Gore says. How are a couple of politicians supposed to know?
• Oooh, she just gave him a "rape kit" opening. (No pun intended.)
• I thought Obama was against gay marriage? Guess not.
• Ah! Obama is against gay marriage. So Biden's previous answer was... unclear.
• Well, if she thinks Iraq is so great, why doesn't she send her own... oh yeah. Never mind.
• Was that the first reference to Bush tonight?
• "Your plan is a white flag of surrender in Iraq." Damn!
• Well, Palin does have the advantage of not campaigning against her own running mate and being reminded of what she said about him.
• First Cheney reference.
• Wow, Obama will go after Bin Laden if he actually finds out where the guy is. Whereas nobody's been looking so far.
• They're gonna hit her on "new-kew-lur."
• "Talk. Talk. Talk." Whoever said that to Joe should be slapped silly.
• "Spaiiii-nuh."
• That's it, Joe, sigh into the mic.
• Sounds like he needs some Nasonex.
• Wow, where are these George bushes he keeps talking about?
• If he doesn't calm down, he might have another aneurysm.
• Sigh, Joe. Sigh.
• Smile while you put in the dagger, darlin'.
• It should be noted that Ifill seems to be fair so far.
• So they had an answer for this one written down...
• Didn't Biden just talk about going into Darfur? But now he's against intervention? Maybe I'm just misunderstanding him.
• Joe's just plain folks.
• "Say it ain't so, Joe!" She's been waiting to use that one.
• It's a Folksier Than Thou contest.
• Nice. That actually seemed like a genuine moment of them both laughing at the same joke.
• "He's president, not me." Slow down, Joe.
• Yeah, keep trying to tie this lady to Cheney. Good luck.
• That whispery thing she does, she could maybe not do that so much.
• That's it, Joe, you're just too darn passionate. That reminds me of something George Washington said in his first radio address during the Civil War...
• Does anybody believe Joe Biden has ever had to worry about not having health insurance?
• Maverick. Yes. We get it.
• Don't blow a blood vessel, Joe. Yeah, it's annoying, but you just bulled over the moderator.
• A little dig at the MSM. Good.
• He should just say "Bush, Cheney, Bush, Cheney" over and over for 2 minutes. Or is it 10 minutes? With him it seems like 10 minutes.

Well, nobody screwed up as far as I could tell, beyond Biden's general douchiness. Even Ifill surpassed the meanspirited jibes thrown her way. I like Palin (if you hadn't figured it out yet) and I was worried that maybe she'd let all this stupid crap in the media get to her. Not only did that not happen, but she actually hit back at them in a very graceful way.

So, take it with as many grains of salt as you like, but she proved her detractors wrong and I'd say she won.

$5.95 is a darn good price

I don't see any substance to this whole "conflict of interest" thing they're throwing at Gwen Ifill, and neither does Iowahawk.

Also, you racists who keep calling her "Gwen Quotafill" should be ashamed of yourselves. You won't see me not using that one.

A partial list of Gwen Ifill's questions for the VP debate

Mayor Palin, Barack Obama is a handsome, charismatic demigod. How many boxes of Kleenex will you need after your crushing loss?

Senator, could you please sign my book?

P.S. Do you suppose Saturday Night Live will change it to the Luxembourg Parliament?

P.P.S. History Is Happening Now raises a good point: Jerome Corsi and David Freddoso would make lousy moderators for this debate too. The difference being, of course, that they'd never be asked.

P.P.P.S. I'm told Hannity used this without attribution on his 10/2 radio show. If that's the case, and if you enjoy my work, could you please let him know he should give me credit for it? If he's going to criticize SNL, he should try a little harder than they do.

Google Biden aneurysm

Sometimes I send e-mails:

To: Slate's Explainer (ask_the_explainer@yahoo.com)
Re: What happens if a presidential candidate passes away at the last second?

What will happen if Biden has an aneurysm? It would only be his third. And I'm pretty sure it can kill you a lot more quickly than skin cancer. Like, y'know, the same day.

Bonus question: Why haven't we seen Obama's medical records? He's 47 and an ex-smoker, but apparently he hasn't seen a doctor in almost 2 years. Or if he has, he won't tell us what he found out. He works out every day and eats arugula, and somehow that makes him immortal?

As long as this stuff is on the table. What are the health risks of holding my breath until I get a reply?

Here's Why Sarah Palin Will Get Killed in the Debate, Pt. 3

Haw haw! Wotta dope. It's one thing to think it. But to say it out loud in front of the whole world? Man oh man, this is the worst pick for vice president ever. Can't wait for the debate!

Pt. 1
Pt. 2

Here's Why Sarah Palin Will Get Killed in the Debate, Pt. 2

Nice try, you moose-murdering moron! Dumbest. Vice-Presidential Candidate. Ever.

Pt. 1
Pt. 3

Here's Why Sarah Palin Will Get Killed in the Debate, Pt. 1

But I hardly need to remind you. Her astonishing gaffe has made front-page headlines for the past two weeks. Good luck, dummy!

Pt. 2
Pt. 3

Fine: Google Biden aneurysms

Doctors call on McCain to release details of bout with skin cancer

Whereas Obama is in perfect health, right? Which we know because his personal physician, Dr. David L. Scheiner, said so when he released a less-than-300-word synopsis of Obama's medical condition. Which was based on the last time he'd seen Obama, back in January 2007. And which is the entirety of what we know about Obama's medical condition. Hey, what could possibly happen to a 47-year-old ex-smoker in 20 months? Why would any reporter worth his j-school degree bother to ask?

(Ha ha, just kidding. I got a j-school degree from the back of a box of Captain Crunch.)