Jim Treacher's Blog That Is on the Internet

This seemed too good to just leave in Breda's comments

I'm pretty much past being bummed about the election, and I'm choosing to view this whole thing as a real-time comedy/reality show. How hard will they have to twist themselves into knots to avoid admitting Obama made a mistake? Did Palin use too many ketchup packets at lunch today? Hey, Biden's eyes are now on the sides of his head. It's an interesting look, don't you think?

Ambling through the grocery store today, looking at all the faces, black, white, and otherwise, I felt a weird sort of elation. Like a weight being lifted, but something more: Soon they'll know. I don't have to keep trying to tell them. They will look back on these days of calm and plenty, and they'll realize what they've done. And so will I.

So I got that goin' for me.

Breda is great! And armed.

P.S. Er, I said that, not Breda. I left it in her comments. Sorry, I worded that vaguely. She really is great, though.

Dear TV's Evan Handler:

If you're still feeling down in the dumps, console yourself with this:

You're not them.

Remember what Winston said

"Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -- in nothing, great or small, large or petty -- never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."

If you see anything resembling honor or good sense in the victors here, I'm willing to be convinced. But until then, I'm with the dead limey drunk.

Yes, Obama will be my president. No, he will not be my liege.

Apparently you only need 0.000001% of the vote to call a state

This is playing out just like HillBuzz said it would. Steady, West Coast. Don't listen to them.

Here's all I have to say before it's time to vote

If you've been reading this humble blog for the last few months, you already know what I think. But if I may, here are just two last pieces of advice:

1. Get some rest tonight. One way or another, we're all going to need it.

2. Whatever happens happens. Just don't let it happen because you allowed them to tell you that you don't matter. They're doing their damnedest to convince you that your vote won't make a difference. "Who are you to disregard your betters? Haven't you seen all our pretty polls? Haven't you been paying attention to our completely honest and unbiased coverage? Why can't you just face the reality we've worked so hard to concoct? Who do you think you are, you peasant?" If nothing else, you owe it to yourself to show them you're not falling for their crap.

   Stand up for yourself. Stand up against the people who want you to quit. Vote.

P.S. Okay, three things (darn you, Ham!):

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?*

Many thanks to the Hot Air commenter, whose name I forgot to write down, who pointed me to this:

"You cannot tell from appearances how things will go. Sometimes imagination makes things out far worse than they are; yet without imagination not much can be done. Those people who are imaginative see many more dangers than perhaps exist; certainly many more than will happen; but then they must also pray to be given that extra courage to carry this far-reaching imagination...

"This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -- in nothing, great or small, large or petty -- never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."

That was Winston Churchill in Oct. 1941, talking about the Nazis. This was months before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. America had expressed support for Britain, but we hadn't entered the war. And still Churchill was defiant. He looked the dirty stinking Nazis right in the eye and said, "No. Not on my watch."

How about a little of that, guys?

Note to my fellow countrymen: You are reading this without fear of censure or repression, in a room that is neither unlivably hot nor cold, free from hunger or able to remedy it within minutes. You have the hard-earned knowledge and wisdom of human history at your fingertips. You can get up from your computer and go wherever you want, do whatever you want, as long as you don't hurt anybody else. Or you can exercise your right to reply to me, or to anyone, in any manner you choose. And thanks to this miracle/curse called the Internet, you can make yourself heard.

You're free, in a way that Americans in 1941 never could have imagined. You have more power as a private individual than anyone else in the history of the world. Right now.

You can talk back to the people who are lying to you, lying about you. You are not helpless. We are not helpless. Their constant drumbeat -- "Obama is inevitable, Obama is inevitable, Obama is inevitable" -- is a sign of weakness, not strength. If they really thought he could win on his own merits, they wouldn't be trying so hard to brainwash you.

Most of all, you can vote. You might try to outwit yourself: "Well, I live in a blue state, so my vote doesn't matter anyway. Besides, they've already pretty much bragged about how they're going to steal the election, and they're getting away with it." All the more reason to take a little time out of your day on Nov. 4 and spite them. They think we're stupid. They think we're cowards. They think we'll believe whatever they say just because they're the ones saying it. Personally, I have no interest in proving them right.

So: Do you think maybe you can hold it together in the face of a few biased polls, princess? A few ads funded by fraudulent donations from Allah knows who? A few turncoat pundits who wouldn't waste their Zinfandel-tinged spittle on you? Do you think you can keep from browning up your panties for just 10 more days, dear heart?

Stop. Whining. One Christopher Buckley is enough, thank you.

Or, to put it much more succinctly, in not-safe-for-work terms:

Fuck these guys. They can't tell you what to do. Yet. Don't you dare give them the chance to try.

*Kids these days. You gotta explain everything to them (NSFW):

Note to everybody who can't stop moaning that it's all over and we're going to end up in Room 101 with rat-cages strapped to our faces

What you're feeling right now is not natural. It's the result of prolonged exposure to harmful radiation from a highly toxic, media-infected presidential campaign. Symptoms may include nausea, sweating, constant checking of poll results, dizziness, fever, irritation at glaring double standards, coughing, Googling, loss of appetite, bewilderment at a world seemingly gone mad, vaginal dryness, and Drudge.

Fortunately, this condition, known as Allahpecia, can be cured quickly and easily: Dr. Jim prescribes 24 hours of cold turkey.

Read a book. Rake some leaves. Watch that Netflix DVD that's been sitting on top of the TV for a week. Get some actual work done. If you're really jonesing, you can even resort to talking face-to-face with another human being. (If it drifts into politics, though... split!) The important thing is to avoid all of this crap for one whole day. It'll still be here when you get back.

You can do it. You have to do it. Doctor's orders.

But before you go. Really, truly, seriously. If you think that they're right? That this is all over? Listen: They are trying to psyche you out. Don't be too proud to admit it's not your idea.

There's no shame in falling prey to this vicious, heartless, relentless emotional assault. It's tough to avoid it. Day in and day out, they're trying to wear you down. But they can't make you a victim unless you let them. Are you gonna give them the satisfaction? Are you gonna go out like a Frum? A Brooks? A Buckley? A... for God's sake, a Hitchens???

Not me. No way. It's not over, for one simple reason:

That's what they want.

Now get outta here, you knucklehead. See ya tomorrow.