Simon Nolastnamegiven wants me to write about: "How must it feel to be Atrios?"
These days, not so good. Oh sure, they look pretty happy in this picture, don't they? Just look at that Maurício, so youthful and strong and proud. Delma was never more beautiful or carefree than at the very moment the photographer yelled, "Queijo da palavra!" Emídia and Serginho and Jailton and Xandinho and all the rest, so full of life. They were just a fun-loving bunch of kids praising Jesus, and all was right com o mundo.
But that was before the coming of the End Times, i.e. the (s)election of George W. Bush. Will these youngsters ever smile again? Will anyone, anywhere, ever ever smile again?!?
Update: Although for some, maybe smiling isn't such a good idea anyway...
Cecilia wants me to write about: "Why is there Deborah Norville?"
This question has perplexed Mankind since the dawn of time. Norville was known among the ancient Aztecs as "Goldenhair Priestess Whose Gaze Withers All It Touches." The Magyars believed her to be a soul-sapping demoness and brewed a concoction, roughly translated as "The Bane of the Empty Smile," to ward off the noted personality. More recently, Confederate General Cullen Alpheus Barksdale, in the heat of battle, was often heard to bellow, "Do you want to live forever, men? Just look what it's done to Norville!"
To state it simply, there is and can be no answer. There is only Norville. We all may but endure.
(Click Category link for past Treach-Whore jollity)
Peter J. MacDonald wants me to write about: "The Genius of Andrea Martin."http://www.jimtreacher.com/MT/mt.cgi?__mode=view&_type=entry&id=677&blog_id=2
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There are many aspects to The Genius of Andrea Martin. (Andrea Martin played the differently-attractive lady on SCTV, which I sort of remember from my childhood.) One aspect to The Genius of Andrea Martin is that it is brilliant. For example, her character The Old Woman Who Wears a Hat and Yells a Lot was very geniuslike in its geniusness. Another aspect to The Genius of Andrea Martin is that it is unobtrusive. Unlike The Genius of, Say, Eugene Levy, which appears in many many high-profile movies to the delight of millions, The Genius of Andrea Martin is content with entertaining the close friends and immediate family of Andrea Martin. In summary, The Genius of Andrea Martin is awesome!
Jackie at Au Currant wants me to write about: "High school."
High school is the place where you learn the rules that will apply for the rest of your life: Might makes right, humans form herds just like any other animal, rumors will beat facts every time, pretty people can get away with anything, etc. Somebody should come out with a line of Blogosphere High School clothing, but then, "Blogosphere High School" is kind of redundant. If Hollywood is high school with money, blogs are high school with hyperlinks.
Of course, I was such a huge nerd that the captain of the Chess Club gave me a wedgie and stuffed me into my locker. But I'm not bitter...
Cathy Seipp wants me to write about: "ME!!!"
Cathy writes for UPI (which has a crappy site that doesn't let you link to her columns), as well as a ton of other places. From what I've been able to gather, she doesn't suffer fools gladly, but in my case she's obviously made an exception because she's always been very kind to me. She was also one of the few people who bought that Cafe Press stuff when I was selling it, I think it was a couple of t-shirts, so I'm grateful for that. Basically, she's a really cool person with a big heart, not to mention a great writer. Don't know how to say it any better than that.
There's simply too much Seipp to be encapsulated in a mere 100 words, so check out this thorough (if haphazard) overview of Cathy's life and career. Fawning praise from her friends, gnashing of teeth from her enemies, that sort of thing.
Pete wants me to write about: "Old people."
Everybody knows at least one old person. You might be one yourself, or well on your way. When I was little, I used to think old people were really scary and crazy, but then I started to think that maybe they're just terrified of what's happening to them. Oldness happens to everybody eventually, right? It's not fair, but I guess that's how it goes. No matter how bad you fail in life or how many opportunities you miss, you don't get a reset button. Someday you're going to find yourself paying for your cat food and Metamucil with exact change, unable to hear the impatient sighs of the whippersnappers in line behind you because you're trying to save the battery in your hearing aid, and that's if you're lucky.
Now, it's not like you should be required to know who Interpol is, or why anybody cares about Dave Eggers, or else they'll revoke your driver's license. But maybe the young people of today should make friends with the oldies and drive them around so they don't take a leisurely trip through any pedestrians? If you see an elderly person at a stop light, just jump into their car and take the wheel. Say something like, "This is quite a car, 'Jack'!" This will put them at ease because you respect them enough to use their old-people slang. Let me know how it goes!
Katie Maybe Katherine Hall wants me to write about: "DELAWARE."
Delaware was the first state as far as being one of the United States. Kind of like lunchtime at Pizza Hut, when they have the all-you-can-eat buffet, and there's always one guy who has to jump out of his booth and run up there and push people out of his way, like Pizza Hut is going to run out of pepperoni or something? Or the guy who tailgates you and then zooms by you on the right, all impatient, just so he can be the first one to the red light? "Wow, you did it, dude!" That's Delaware, basically, except in terms of statehood. So congratulations to Delaware on being the very first state. We're all really impressed!
Sean Collins wants me to write about: "Your favorite band of the moment."
I don't really have one, but I can't stop listening to The American Song-Poem Anthology: Do You Know the Difference Between Big Wood and Brush. (Relax... Amazon gift certificate. Birthday present.) The whole song-poem phenomenon is fascinating to me. Thousands of sad, lonely people desperately crying out to an uncaring world, every once in a while producing timeless art purely by accident. Not that us bloggers would know anything about that. Well, I'd much rather listen to, say, "I Lost My Girl to an Argentinian Cowboy" than read an Atrios post. No offense, Atrios. I mean Eschaton. Whichever.
I'm also liking this here MP3 I'm listening to as I type this. It's a mashup of Gary Numan's "Are 'Friends' Electric?" and Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me," as covered by a British pop group called the Sugababes. I'd never heard of them or the mashup until somebody on the Fametracker boards recommended it, but apparently it was a huge hit last year everywhere but America. (Why They Hate Us: Reason #1,572!) It's right up there with the Nirvana/Destiny's Child and Christina Aguilera/Strokes mashups, if you ask me or even if you don't. So if you want to hear a 15-year-old girl warbling stuff like "Boy, you're moving kind of slow/Gotta keep it up, now, there you go" over ice-cold synths and distorted video-game noises, and I sure do, get one of your friends who doesn't mind breaking the law to download it for you. (And here's a Village Voice article about it by somebody who actually knows what they're talking about.)
K. Thor Jensen wants me to write about: "My webcomic."
So K. Thor (The "K" Stands for "Kwality") has this webcomic called Red Eye, Black Eye. It's about his travels throughout the land called America. He basically had a really really bad Sept. 2001, worse than some other people's even, and so he just said fuck it and got on a bus and had some adventures. And then he drew this comic about it. The way he draws it, everybody has dots for eyes like Dondi. I remember reading it when I subscribed to Serializer.net, before I changed around my PayPal thing so people could give me the money I deserve without being able to track me down and get me fired from my job like some people like to do. Although "Fired from what job?" is the question, and ha ha ha on that. So anyway, K. Thor, he's a good cartoonist, and even if you don't particularly care for the autobiographic novel sort of genre, you would probably like it because it's like a slice of life from the early 21st Century. I don't know. Would maybe a very attractive lady send me naked pictures of herself so that I am not forced to committ suicide? My apologies to K. Thor Jensen, who deserves a better review. Also apologies to Ray Smuckles for completely biting his style.
Missy wants me to write about: "The topic of your choice, so long as it somehow mentions me but does not make fun of me."
My topic is Missy. I started reading her blog a while back, and she's really cool. She has interesting tattoos, and credible sources say she won't turn down a beer or two. I think she really likes her new boyfriend. She does modern dance or whatever you call it, so she's in great shape. I think her boyfriend really likes that she's in great shape. She looks like a younger Frances McDormand, and she likes it when you tell her that (or at least she said she did when I did). She's got kind of higher-brow tastes than mine. Then again, who doesn't? She likes Buffy a lot, Angel not so much. She told me this "Treach-Whore" thing is a great idea, so now the joke's on her. In conclusion: Missy Is Awesome!
Anonymous wants me to write about: "The T.A.T.U. performance at MTV's recent movie awards."
I fast-forwarded through it because I'm sick of that song and all the "But are they really?" hype, but that sure was a stageful of dykes, huh? Or I guess some of them must have been just pretending they liked to get it on with other chicks so they could be on TV. Kind of like Girls Gone Wild, or your mom. Ha ha, just kidding. Anyway, how about the crack of Pink's ass? That thing should have its own channel. Forget Spike TV, let's have Pink's Delectable Ass-Crack TV. Also, that Stifler guy sure likes to talk real loud. So in summary, T.A.T.U. stands for Two Adorable Twatlicking Ukrainians.
I can't write music, but I can write words. To try to get more than five people to hit the subscription button, how about this: Sign up for $1 a month, and I will write 100 words on the topic of your choice.* 100 words might not sound like much, but neither does 100 pennies. Let's make the topic itself part of the 100 words, just to keep you from going nuts with the specifics and such. I can't guarantee it'll be funny or interesting or anything else, but the total number of words will be no less than 100. (Everything up through the previous sentence, not counting the header, was 100 words. Just to give you an idea.) If I'm feeling generous or you're the only one to subscribe that day or week or ever, maybe I'll write more. I promise not to just write "turdies" 100 times or anything like that. And it will be yours all yours, with its own URL that you can show to all your friends and go, "Ha ha, Treacher is desperately stupid and poor." I'll even throw in a header and a link to whatever you want me to link to, free of charge. I should probably think of name for this, like with Gawker and "Gawker Stalker." I don't know... "Treach-Whore," maybe?
This is almost certain to be a total disaster and earn me even more enemies, but why not. Maybe it'll actually be fun before somebody decides to ruin it.
Well?
*First come first served, don't try to rush me, no refunds, give me a name you want me to credit it to, donating more than $1 is an awesome idea but YOU STILL NEED TO CLICK THE SUBSCRIPTION BUTTON TO GET THE 100 WORDS, you can suggest a format or genre but I am under absolutely no obligation to comply, if you don't like your entry I reserve the right to post your whiny e-mail so everybody can laugh at what a cheap jerk you are, more rules probably to come as people think of unforeseen ways to be unpleasant, etc.
