December 18, 2009

One night only

Watch as I lose my mind on Twitter. Go here, start at the bottom, and scroll up.

(And to answer your question: No. It's sleep deprivation.)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 06:06 PM

September 10, 2009

I've been on a roll lately

If I do say so myself.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:41 AM

June 27, 2009

Seriously.

Go to my Twitter page, http://twitter.com/JTlol, and scroll down as you see fit. There's some good stuff there, if I do say so myself.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:11 AM

June 21, 2009

Obama Snacked, Iranians Got Whacked

ObamaIceCream.jpg

Confection accomplished. Heck of a glob, Barry. Barack Obama doesn't care about lactose-intolerant people. "Now watch this drive... to the ice cream shop."

To learn more about how our emperor dawdled while Tehran burned, check out Jeff "What enchants you, Mr. President?" Zeleny's hard-hitting report, and Patterico's compare-and-contrast between an Iranian dissident and an American busboy. And then try to imagine the NYT's coverage if Bush had pulled a stupid stunt like this on a day like yesterday. Of course, if it'd been Bush, he'd be taking a break from his responsibilities (like supporting democracy), not a break from shirking them.

(In all fairness, that pic is from a previous ice-cream run, so his grin may not have been quite as wide yesterday.)

It isn't about the ice cream. People need to start realizing that Obama isn't the President of the United States; the United States is the throne upon which Obama sits. "Let them eat soft-serve."

P.S. In honor of Obama’s commanding leadership, Ben & Jerry’s has announced 6 delicious new flavors: Truncheon Crunch, Ayatollhouse Cookie Dough, Lemon Loin-Gird, Ineffectual Fudge, Let Them Eat Cake Batter, and Toffeetalitarianism.

P.P.S. As long as I spent all day on Twitter yesterday venting about this (for the sake of the structural integrity of my TV screen), I might as well post some of it here:

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Michelle would've taken the girls for ice cream, but she's busy helping the Fantastic Four fight Dr. Doom while the Thing is on vacation.

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Imagine if Bush went on an ice cream run during something like this. He'd be "Worst Person in the World" every day forever.

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If you think you've got it bad, Iranian protesters, just be glad you don't have to worry about an ice-cream headache.

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Alt-universe MSNBC graphic: "Fire & Ice (Cream)." Chris Matthews wants to know if Bush will be getting custard in prison.

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Little-known historical fact: After Nero got done fiddling, he popped out for a lovely scoop of mint chocolate chip.

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My Pet Goat: "Bush didn't care!" My Wet Cone: "Can't a guy have a life?"

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The White House will put out another statement on Iran just as soon as it's transcribed from the Dairy Queen napkin.

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If you think there was a lot of fudging on that sundae, wait until you see Obama's next statement on Iran.

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Alt-universe Letterman: "Vice President Palin took her daughter for ice cream on Saturday. I woulda pegged her as more of a Slurpee gal."

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Rachel Maddow's entire hour Monday will be devoted to what she's calling "Sundae Bloody Sundae." #ifobamawasrepublican

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Fred Armisen walks onstage dressed as an ice-cream bar with an afro, must wait 1 full minute to say his first line. #ifobamawasrepublican

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Palin wasn't supposed to run for VP because it would take time away from her kids. Whereas Obama's the World's Best Dad while Tehran burns.

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For every minute Bush spent reading to kids after hearing about 9/11, Obama has had 1 full day to deal with the Iranian election.

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BREAKING: Obama Calls for Tolerance of Opposing Opinions, Lactose

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From Letterman's monologue next Mon.: "This situation in Iran is somethin', huh? Haven't seen chaos like this since the last Bush family picnic." [Makes "glug-glug" drinking gesture]

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Mr. President: What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Because we know condemning this outrage isn't on the list.

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"I can see Haagen-Dazs from my house!" #ifobamawasrepublican

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(Crossposted to hotair.com)

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:26 AM

June 19, 2009

Jokes I told on Twitter

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Hillary falls and breaks elbow: http://tr.im/p19r That's nothing. Remember the time her husband slipped and busted a nut?

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"What if Ashley Biden was Bristol Palin?" http://tr.im/oZSw Well, for one thing, we'd never know she'd gotten pregnant.

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Obama will say anything that gets him through the next 5 minutes. Luckily for him, that's also the memory capacity of the average reporter.

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I like the White House / The aroma lures me in / Keep shoveling it #flyku

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I particularly enjoy the way they arrange themselves into a halo over his head: http://tr.im/oX3f

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I'm Liam Neeson / As your face already knows / Well, what's left of it #takenku

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It's not like this is the first time a fly has been brought down in the White House. Just ask Monica.

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If President McCain had gone to the Pyramids and said, "Hey, that hieroglyphic looks like Obama!", how many new suits could Rev. Al afford?

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Don't expect any action on Iran unless Ahmadinejad tries to start a private business or makes fun of Obama's ears.

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I started off old / Became Brad Pitt, then a child / Only took 3 hours #benjaminbuttonku

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The Iranian vote is completely legitimate, according to election monitors Good Will and Doodad Pro.

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Andrew Sullivan is demanding Willow Palin's ticket stub from the Yankees game, if such a team exists outside of Sarah Palin's diseased mind.

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You can follow me on Twitter if you want. If you don't want, I'm not sure how that's my problem.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:38 AM

May 08, 2009

Jim Treacher? More like Jim Trendsetter!

From tiny seeds:

annoyatrekkie

Do mighty A-holes grow:

trendingtopics.PNG

If this post means nothing to you, congratulations on remaining Twitter-free. I was once like you. Don't judge me. Don't you ever judge me.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 10:47 AM

May 03, 2009

Tweet Talker

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Jeff Zeleny just went to the front of the line for next year's Pulitzers. Assuming the NYT is still around by then.

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So now we know why Daniel Faraday was crying the first time we saw him on Lost: it was Mother's Day.

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Is @dailydish OK? @AKGovSarahPalin has been on Twitter for over 9 hours, and he hasn't commanded her to hand over Trig's birth certificate.

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Wash your hands, inflate your tires, eat your vegetables... I already have a mom, Mr. President, and she's prettier than you.

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If Doctor Zero isn't blogging yet, he should be: http://tr.im/k4R1 By gum, I am printing that out and putting it on the fridge.

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"Swine flu" offends Porcine-Americans. "H1N1" is just ridiculous. How about "supercooties"? Or, considering its origins: "Ebola Sunrise"?

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Swine flu is just global warming with a runny nose. How long until Al Gore starts selling coughin' credits?

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Swine flu less dangerous than regular flu? http://tr.im/k7L1 Well, it isn't nearly as dangerous to POTUS as capitalism: http://tr.im/k7Kq

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BREAKING: Joe Biden Warns of Worldwide Cooties Outbreak Among Schoolchildren; "Girls Are the Enemy, Do Not Let Them Touch You"

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I am shocked that Kelly McGillis is a lesbian. In other news, Vice President George Bush just announced he's running for president.

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I've already forgotten who sent me this link, but it's the perfect gift and I can't wait to give it to Anderson Cooper: http://tr.im/k900

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This dry cleaning bag is itchy, but at least I won't get anybody's germs. Just hope I can hold my breath all the way to the store and back.

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Last night I dreamt I was on the subway with Joe Biden. All I can really remember is him clawing at the window and screaming, "Gesundheit!"

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Of the 183 "waterboardings," at least half occurred when KSM couldn't get the mouth of the Perrier bottle past his mustache.

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It's a start! http://tr.im/keJw Now, Jonny: Is pouring water on KSM's face to stop another 9/11 worse than nuking 2 cities to end a war?

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BREAKING: Pres. Obama Taking Over 3-Hour Block of Primetime Tonight to Announce New Hand-Washing Czar, TV's Howie Mandel

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Just saw Wolverine. When I looked in the mirror. Adamantium abs, baby!

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Now that outing CIA operatives is a good thing, apparently, somebody please remind me: How many lives did Valerie Plame save?

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"I thought it was interesting how focused on him the answers were." http://tr.im/khXC The best journalism that the NYT can still afford.

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It's a testament to Biden's gift of gaffe that his admonition to "gird your loins" gets lost in the shuffle, even at FOX: http://tr.im/kkzx

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BREAKING: Swine Flu Czar Joe Biden Announces Immediate Recall of All "Babe" DVDs; "This Is No Time to Take Chances"

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BREAKING: 6 Killed in Austrian Avalanche; President Obama Dispatches Translators to Convert Terms of U.S. Snow Embargo into Austrian

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T'what does this refer?

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:04 PM

April 29, 2009

Tweets his own

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I really don't think it was necessary for Chris Matthews to hold up a copy of Stephen King's The Stand and start keening.

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I'm not sure I like Obama's idea to celebrate his 100th day in office with a big pyrotechnic display at Ground Zero.

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Obama just announced that the White House will celebrate Flag Day with a huge bonfire. ACORN is now going door to door collecting our flags.

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Just watched Super High Me starring @dougbenson. Thumbs up. It's kind of like The Matrix, if Neo just didn't really care about the bullets.

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Watergate-gate? http://tr.im/jST8 I keep telling you, Obama isn't another Nixon. Nixon was an amateur.

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Oh, crap. This whole time I thought everybody was saying "It's Hawaiian flu." Guess I overreacted. Sorry for murdering you, Leilani.

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At least when George Bush was reading My Pet Goat, he genuinely had no idea Manhattan was being terrorized. And it wasn't by his own plane.

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NYPD instructed not to reveal AF1 joyride: http://tr.im/jTr8 Those terrified office workers must not know what transparency means. Racists.

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I can't wait to see how Timothy Noah incorporates this into his brilliant "Nobody's scared of planes flying into buildings anymore" theory.

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BREAKING: Plane Controlled By Enemies of America Terrorizes Manhattan (NOTE: Headline is from 2009)

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Or how about: Air Force One, Manhattanites Zero

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Plans for 2nd AF1 photo shoot over D.C. being "reconsidered." http://tr.im/jTDg What's the point, now that the Pentagon knows it's coming?

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The AF1 thing is a distraction from the swine flu that's distracting us from the hijacking of our health care system: http://tr.im/jTE0

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Obama names his next nominee for Secretary of HHS: Ann Thracks. Turns out these last 2 years have been an elaborate prank by Ashton Kutcher.

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BREAKING: Napolitano: Wash Hands, Give Polite "No Thanks" to Returning Mexico Vacationers Who Offer to Cough Directly into Your Mouth

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Just so I can say I published the headline before the New York Post did: ARMHOGEDDON

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Patient Zero: "No, no, seņor, I say I like to kees a puerco's lips!"

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Have you heard the original version of "Elvira" by the Oak Ridge Boys, with Janet Napolitano singing bass? Beats the Janet Reno version.

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This whole deal is really hurting business at my new restaurant, the Coughing Hog. I haven't sold a single Bacon & Sneeze sandwich all week.

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BREAKING: Arlen Specter Announces Brave Switch from Betamax to VHS: "I Didn't Leave the Superior Home Video Recording Format; It Left Me"

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Theory: If our principles work, trial and error will prove it. There could be no Reagan without Carter. And if they're wrong, why keep them?

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I just don't understand how the way to stop Obama from getting what he wants is to support people who are helping Obama get what he wants.

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I mean, Reagan was in a chimp movie, and he won two landslides. You think maybe his principles had anything to do with it?

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AF1 joyride over Manhattan was a "training mission": http://tr.im/jXR5 Come to think of it, so was the last one.

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It was a training mission. And a photo op. And they didn't tell anybody. Because they didn't know. Who keeps track of Air Force One, anyway?

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If you can't handle being reminded that "moderate" doesn't mean "SPEND ALL MONEY RIGHT NOW," then you're welcome to go to the Dems. Or Hell.

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http://tr.im/jXID Come to think of it, Shep should stick to car chases. Isn't there a local station in Mississippi that'll take him back?

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Please join Arlen Specter's Society to Help Obama Lord over Everything. I just took a self-pic for the buttons. Awkward camera placement!

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Arlen ditched his pals to sit at the cool kids' table, and now he's standing there with his tray as they mock his outfit: http://tr.im/jZWh

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If you're able to be talked into a course of action by Joe Biden, weren't you really going to do it anyway? http://tr.im/k1qU

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Obama would've thrown a fey slap at the Tea Parties earlier, but he only found out about them today when he was teabagging Anderson Cooper.

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Thanks, Mr. President, for interrupting primetime to tell me to wash my hands. Hey, has the government taken over Unilever yet?

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Maybe I can use one of the bathrooms in Air Force One to wash my hands. Do you know where it is right now, Barry?

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Swine flu is now the #473 cause of death in Mexico, according to what I just typed. #1 cause of death in Mexico: LIVING IN MEXICO.

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BLAH BLAH BLAH

Posted by Jim Treacher at 09:41 PM

April 26, 2009

I write things on Twitter, and then I post them here because apparently they're not "good enough" for the New York Times

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Shep Smith making an ass of himself: Torture, comedy, or just another Wednesday? http://tr.im/jy1W

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"When he says he won't do something, it usually means he already has." http://tr.im/jy6M

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Liberals would be all in favor of waterboarding if Perez Hilton used it to force Carrie Prejean to advocate gay marriage.

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You know what? I get it. She's dumpy but she can sing. Apparently this is the first time such a thing has happened in human history.

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BREAKING: CIA Interrogation Memos Reveal KSM Was Routinely Seated on Foam Cushion, Not Satin Feather Pillow; Hearings Planned

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The deeply moral stance against waterboarding is: The U.S. has debased itself by frightening terrorists. Which used to be called "success."

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Thank goodness our wonderful new president is making America safe from terrorists again. Oops, I mean safe for terrorists: http://tr.im/jEg9

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Bawney Fwank is a pwevawicating scwap of excwement. http://tr.im/jFSa

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The way libs are reacting to the facts about waterboarding, http://tr.im/jHiC, you'd think we were using holy water and they got splashed.

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Who burns the candle on both sides? Hangs the moon, controls the tides? Who has no problem getting laid? The one & only: http://tr.im/jHXE

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Arthur Kade isn't breaking into the movies. The movies saw him coming and threw open the front door.

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Women find themselves drawn to Arthur Kade. Many a 7 has lain awake at night after meeting him, longing to gaze deeply into his nostrils.

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The CIA discontinued waterboarding when they realized detainees were much more compliant when promised autographed pictures of Arthur Kade.

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Late one night on a lonely road, I hit a dog with my car. I leapt out, bent over it, and whispered: "Arthur Kade." It still died. But happy.

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In 2007, a tortilla bearing the image of Arthur Kade sold for $25K on eBay. Three days later, the seller bought it back at twice the price.

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Sure, Arthur Kade is (in the words of the immortal Voltaire) a gay-ass douchebag who sucks. But I admire his state of total denial about it.

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Hey, maybe we'll finally get to see his medical records: http://tr.im/jKFN (Whoops! Does daring to say such a thing make me a "nirther"?)

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Just got back from Talladega. Can't seem to find my hat. I know I had it until that last lap...

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Tired of promo campaigns for CGI cartoons. As if "Bee Movie" wasn't bad enough, now I can't go anywhere without hearing about "Swine Fu."

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Obama was exposed to swine flu in Mexico City, but he bored it to death. All victims are being encouraged to watch his speech Wed. night.

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My Twitter page is http://twitter.com/JTlol and you can follow me if you want. Why wouldn't you want to? Are you trying to be a dick? You know what, just forget it.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 07:29 PM

April 16, 2009

ATTN: All my Twitter followers

I just changed my screen name to JTlol, for the benefit of people who want to "retweet" my stuff but can't because of the 140-character limit. I don't know if I ruined everything with the new URL -- http://twitter.com/JTlol -- but now you've got 6 more characters to work with. Don't say I never did anything for you that in turns gratifies my own ego.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:37 PM

I can't seem to stop

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BREAKING: Rachel Maddow Drops to Floor in Hysterics After Asking Which White House Employee Will Be Putting Obama's New Dog in the Bathtub

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"Let them bag tea." http://tr.im/iX6d Taibbi has been a big fan of bailouts ever since Sean Penn brought his red plastic cup to New Orleans.

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Notice that 99% of the Tea Party signs are about ideas, not personalities. And the only thing these people want from the gov't is liberty.

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Rick Sanchez doesn't like tea either: http://tr.im/iX9A When he gets behind the wheel, he prefers something a little bit stronger.

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These Democrats sure are being belligerent. They're regular donkey punchers.

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"Did you know you're eligible for a $400 tax credit?" http://tr.im/iXpp Burn down my house, hand me a squirtgun, and expect some thanks.

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I only care about POTUS's approval ratings to the extent that I know he cares about them. I don't need anybody's approval of my disapproval.

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What to do about aging nuclear warheads? http://tr.im/iXCw Well, I know when Grandpa retired, he spent his free time doing a lot of fission.

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According to the latest DHS memo, apologies are now called "differently sincere obfuscational blame-shifting statements." http://tr.im/iXH3

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If Bush spent like a drunken sailor, Obama is like the entire Navy after looting every distillery in the U.S. Shut up? No thank you.

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Either the media are undercounting Tea Party attendance on purpose, or it's the same math skills they've shown with government spending.

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Please, please, please look at this and then talk to me some more about drunken sailors: http://tr.im/iYqy

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BREAKING: Susan Roesgen Punctuates Point About Bush Administration's Deficit Spending By Donning Hitler Mustache, Screeching

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@andersoncooper CNN: Above the fray. Your Cuban-American colleague in particular; he digs deep for a story. Gotta respect a dirty Sanchez.

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Susan Roesgen seemed confused when Anderson Cooper said he liked her outfit, but he wished somebody would give her a pearl necklace.

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Someone please help me.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 03:03 PM

"He's just reposting his Twitter crap again, WAAHHHH!!"

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http://tr.im/iJwU Thus begins "This is how I bow to everybody who's shorter than me!" If only he governed as well as he covers his own butt.

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ATTN Jon Stewart: Will you be making funny faces at this one? http://tr.im/iJTg Hey, one of the reporters should have asked about housing.

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How do you say "I'm gonna kick those privates in their pirates" in Austrian?

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They said if I voted for John McCain, the President of the United States would clamp down on privacy. And they were right! http://tr.im/iKlO

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"We need to revive him. Get my gas can!" http://tr.im/iKxy

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So, POTUS authorized killing some guys because he thought they had weapons they didn't have? And the left is okay with it? http://tr.im/iKEs

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OBAMA PREVARICATED, PIRATES WERE AERATED

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A Countdown guest just fainted after Olbermann sucked all the air out of the room.

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Why do the pirates hate us? http://tr.im/iLQd And if the U.S. killed them even though they had no ammo, is that better or worse than Gitmo?

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Selective outrage: http://tr.im/iLTT "1, 2, 3, 4, America should stay ashore!" Somehow I don't think we'll hear anything like that.

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Andrew Breitbart on Jon Stewart: "He's as fearful of an opposing voice as he is his own last name." Oh, it's on. http://tr.im/iLXD

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Question for everybody who thinks the Somali deal was an unqualified success: Why didn't those guys give up when the Navy arrived?

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The underlying assumption in taxing the hell out of the rich seems to be that if you succeed, you must be cheating somehow. Losers take all.

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BREAKING: Andrew Sullivan Offers $10,000 Bounty for Sample of Megyn Kelly's Amniotic Fluid http://tr.im/iNGX

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Dear DHS: It's great that we have a black president. It'd be even better if our black president was doing a good job. http://tr.im/iNT9

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Wow, Jim Belushi just doesn't care anymore, does he? http://tr.im/iOsK

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No matter what, Al Franken can take pride in the fact that he got more votes than "Stewart Saves His Family" got dollars. http://tr.im/iOKJ

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Somewhere, John Chancellor and David Brinkley are looking down and beaming with pride: http://tr.im/iPEy

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So if I go to a Tea Party, do I get paid off there, right on the spot? Or do they send me a check? Please be more specific, Jane Hamsher.

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Tonight on Fringe: The team track down FOX execs who keep letting American Idol go long; infect them with flesh-eating virus; point, laugh.

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Ladies and gents, David Burge: http://tr.im/iQmf I know just enough about the netroots to get the jokes, but not enough to get mad at them.

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Why is it Obama only really comes alive when he's describing what he's going to make me do and how he's going to spend my money to do it?

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Forget all that stuff about Obama making America look weak in the eyes of the world. False alarm. http://tr.im/iQKW

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You're angry at me for speculating that Obama's photo op was fake? Imagine how I felt when you said the same thing about Sarah Palin's baby.

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I just lashed out in a frightening display of rightwing extremism by muttering a rude word when I put my taxes in the mailbox. ("Geithner.")

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I'm a bad guy for speculating that maybe POTUS manipulated a photo op. But hundreds of rallies w/ thousands of people each must be "a work."

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Continued string of savage rightwing extremist acts by flipping through channels and rolling eyes at MSNBC. Later: May make Olbermann joke.

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To anybody in the media who might be reading this, here's a quick refresher course on today's Tea Parties: http://tr.im/iSTY

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If Janet Napolitano thinks rightwingers are such a threat to national security, why hasn't she come up with an Orwellian euphemism for them?

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BREAKING: Anderson Cooper Giggles Uncontrollably During Report on Italian Archaeologists Unearthing Ancient Roman War Helmet

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BREAKING: David Shuster's 8-Minute Laughing Jag After Referring to Surviving Somalian Kidnapper as "One Angry Pirate" Sends Ratings Nowhere

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When you've got Greg Gutfeld calling you out for being juvenile and stupid... http://tr.im/iVLi The Tea Parties bewilder them. I say, good.

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Click this sentence to go to my Twitter page and get this nonsense straight from the tap.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:09 AM

April 13, 2009

Follow me now

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I guess it makes sense that the Smoke Monster can be controlled with water. After 5 years, we finally know what the Island is: a giant bong.

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No, Obama is not Hitler. He's already inherited the Sudetenland.

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Leave it to a guy who thinks he walks on water to issue a jaywalking citation to pirates. http://tr.im/iEdG

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Relative of American politician suspected of sex attack: http://tr.im/iEmp Tyra Banks strangely uninterested.

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When somebody asks you why Obama's half-brother was refused entry into the UK, the proper response is, "Which half-brother?"

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Samson Obama is fittingly named: his most famous half-brother has the jawbone of an ass. But the only thing he kills with it is wealth.

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The last president's brother used to run a state. The current president's brother was run out of a country.

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It's common knowledge that polar bears are starving due to Bush. But who knew they were hungry enough to eat German food? http://tr.im/iEwk

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Yeah, it turns out you can't intimidate Somali hijackers with an attack ad. Feeding rumors about them to Kos won't cut it. http://tr.im/iEQo

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As inept and dishonest as this administration is, I find solace in the image of the beads of sweat hanging off David Axelrod's mustache.

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Jane Hamsher: Natural Born FAILer. http://tr.im/iF90

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Congrats to Capt. Phillips for staying strong, the Navy for saving him, and POTUS for peeking out from under his desk. http://tr.im/iGNc

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The surviving pirate is getting a trial? Too bad we're closing Gitmo. He'll probably be found Not Guilty by Reason of Wealth Redistribution.

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Next time they want to kidnap Americans, they'll know they have up to 5 days before we get serious. But hey, what could happen in 5 days?

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First order of business: Get this man a beer. The size of the Chrysler Building. http://tr.im/iH3a

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A pirate in an American jail. And not for putting unreleased movies on the Internet. Brave new world.

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Tonight on OZ: Pirate #4 meets his new cellmate, Samson Obama.

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So did he escape and they took advantage of it, or did they rescue him because Obama barked into a cellphone to Jack Bauer? Stay tuned.

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Taking a cue from Janet Napolitano, the U.S. Navy has renamed destroyers "rearrangers" and battleships "conflict-resolution floaty things."

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Can't wait until Meghan McCain goes on Oprah to promote her book, "A Million Little Concessions."

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LOL INTERNETS http://tr.im/iJwU At least he's talking about it now that it's politically safe. We need to do something about these privates.

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Twit for tw... oops!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 11:02 AM

April 11, 2009

You might say I have a Twittictive personality, LOL

NOTE: Some of these aren't exactly the way they appeared on Twitter. Call it Twittistic license. Or don't, see if I care.

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Guess who recommended "Taxi Driver" to Mark David Chapman? Glenn Beck. Emboldened, Beck then loaned "A Catcher in the Rye" to John Hinckley.

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First sign Kal Penn was up to something: "Harold & Kumar Stimulate Honest Dialogue & Bring New Voices to the Table." http://tr.im/iswM

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It took Reagan 15 years to go from an acting career to the White House. So you can go ahead and shut up about that now.

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Favorite scene from Van Wilder 3: Rahm Emmanuel flies into desk-toppling rage when Taj completely screws up Starbucks order.

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John Wilkes Booth finally snapped after months of listening to Mark Levin. Way to go, Mark, always calling the president "Abraham Stinkin'."

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Sarah Palin should know that you don't let people stay at your house even if they're practically family. Just look at Obama's half-brothers.

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When you welcome someone to the national stage by saying she faked her pregnancy, I'm skeptical about your impartiality. Signed, A. Kook

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Keith Olbermann: Twidiot. http://tr.im/isQI

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BREAKING: Pres. Obama promises to respond to Somali pirates' kidnapping of U.S. ship captain with "swift and decisive apologies."

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RT @McCainBlogette Dinner with beast friends [I picture her having a little tea party with her stuffed animals. -- ed.]

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The "Obama is a megalomaniac" thing is such a ridiculous right-wing smear. BTW, now he wants to take over the weather: http://tr.im/iui2

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http://tr.im/iujN HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

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So, you think we should worry less about missile defense than global warming? Hint: Everybody agrees that nuclear missiles exist.

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Desmond Hume was in the new episode of Lost for about 90 seconds. It's all about making effective use of your time.

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FDR knew about Pearl Harbor in advance but decided not to try to stop it, on the advice of his close friend and personal advisor Glenn Beck.

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Ben Linus takes showers instead of baths, due to an irrational aversion to draining the tub.

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U.S., Somali pirates in standoff over kidnapped ship captain: http://tr.im/iwfJ Oh, WE can tell THEM what to do? Way to be arrogant, guys.

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BTW, that ship is LOADED WITH FOOD FOR AFRICA. There we go again, throwing our weight around, not caring if it's okay with everybody else.

***

"Guys, we're talking about housing now, not this direct repudiation of my foreign policy fantasies." http://tr.im/iwje

***

You probably didn't know that Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked over that lantern after getting really worked up listening to Glenn Beck.

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Stop distracting us with this Palin clothing "scandal" and report about the real story: Her overdue video rentals. http://bit.ly/1IFHBM

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If somebody asks why we should care more about our own citizens than other countries' citizens, is it okay to question their patriotism?

***

Homeland Security just sent out a memo specifying that Somali pirates are to be referred to as "seafaring freelance wealth redistributors."

***

Meg-Meg McCain's Totally Awesome Guide to Being a Republican, Ch. 1: How Not to Distract Whoopi Goldberg with Facts

***

Obama withholding comment on U.S./Somali contretemps until he decides which side he agrees with. Napolitano: "They're nautical organizers."

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They're not really making a big deal about it, but Meghan McCain's ghostwriter is going to be Miss South Carolina: http://bit.ly/3fWeQp

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It's comforting to know that this guy is one freak basketball accident away from being our president. http://bit.ly/lu46s

***

Thing is, this happens to Bill Schulz ALL THE TIME. http://bit.ly/15SCL7 They're calling it an "Olbermann moment," except it's not real gas.

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Although I couldn't really pay attention to what Beck was saying, because I was too busy trying to get a peek at Schulz's nipples.

***

Glenn Beck just poured water on Greta Van Susteren. R.I.P.

***

Most cybersavvy White House ever: http://tr.im/ixxo What's worse, POTUS keeps sending "Numa Numa" to everybody like it's still 2006.

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If you're going to put up a story about a Madame Tussaud wax figure, shouldn't the pictures include the actual person? http://tr.im/ixAF

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Obama's dismissal of Somali pirate question even haughtier than I'd imagined: http://tr.im/ixGC Guess they're just spreading the wealth.

***

Possible titles for Meg-Meg's book: How to Make Friends By Influencing Nobody. The Piffle-Driven Life. I'm OK, You're a Constitution-Hugger.

***

I'd take Meghan McCain more seriously if it didn't seem like all this is just her way of snagging a spot as guest judge on American Idol.

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Navy SEALs on hold in Somalia crisis while POTUS determines whether Capt. Phillips has received excessive compensation. http://tr.im/ixZ1

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"An appropriate 21st century response" to pirates? What, making them walk a polycarbonate plank? http://tr.im/iy5R How about shooting them?

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Family of Capt. Richard Phillips breathes sigh of relief, Somali thugs tremble as John Kerry calls for piracy hearings. http://tr.im/iybh

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How would you feel if somebody you loved was kidnapped at sea, and the news called it an "annoying distraction"? http://tr.im/iyvQ

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When told the SEALs were ready to go, Biden asked if he could throw them some fish. Couldn't tell if he was kidding or not.

***

No wonder Sarah Palin looks like that! http://tr.im/izBc Wish I'd known about this before I bought all those diet books and space heaters.

***

"It's just a bow." Well, it's just the number 5. Why not admit you can get it by adding 2 and 2? Why are you being divisive and partisan?

***

Go, Richard the Sea Captain: http://tr.im/izRp He's not waiting for Obama to spread the bullets around. Now they'll check his tax records.

***

JTP got tired of waiting for somebody to ask Obama an actual question. Got pilloried for embarrassing him. Wonder how they'll jeer THIS guy?

***

Domino's delivers. Obama hasn't. http://tr.im/iDVE

***

But I understand the exasperation. What's so bad about an average Joe-- er, average Barack picking up the phone and ordering a pizzamaker?

***

U.S. vs. pirates. How many other problems is POTUS going to bring back that were solved by Thomas Jefferson? (Revenge for Sally Hemings?)

***

You can bet Kim Jong-il is keeping a close eye on this pilot situation.

***

OMG T PARTEEZ R HITLAR http://tr.im/iALV

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I'm worried that we're going to see more of these kidnappings, now that people are realizing it's the only way to get Obama to shut up.

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@AnthonyCumia "Pirates"? Tsk tsk, they're now known as "maritime social-justice activists."

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"Words must mean something. Except for the preceding sentence." http://tr.im/iBDI

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After this interview, the two of them teamed up with Crispin Glover & Tracy Morgan and started a detective agency. http://tr.im/iBGD

***

Why is this guy talking tougher to American taxpayers than to NK tyrants and Somali thugs? It's like Lex Luthor took over the Super Friends.

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Remember the theory that everyone hated us for being so warlike, and everything's okay now that we're playing nicey-nice? http://tr.im/iDi2

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Wow, these pirates really know how to get what they want: http://tr.im/iDjt

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Maybe the Obama administration will speak up about these Somali thugs if one of them says something nice about Sarah Palin.

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POTUS just flew in Wolfgang Puck to make him a sandwich.

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@TommyXtopher Don't worry, the sandwich came with a side order of carbon credits.

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@TommyXtopher Of course it's untrue, the guy just happened to have packed a suitcase full of pizza dough and ran into Obama at the airport.

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Janet Napolitano has dictated that 9/11 will now be known as "the regrettable but temporary aeronautic/architectural intermingling."

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The White House welcomes a fluffy, adorable new occupant who craps all over everything. Also, the Obamas just got a puppy. http://tr.im/iDu4

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Female SNL cast member hurt by media twisting around facts, taking things out of context. AKA karma. http://tr.im/iDvB

***

Twitter News with Andy Levy: http://is.gd/rXyW Hey, how come Jamie Colby never lets anybody pour water all over her? In public, I mean.

***

@andylevy Guess I'll just keep trying... BTW, I just had a beer with the unknown, and now I can't find my car keys. COINCIDENCE???

***

Obama's Somali silence explained: If he condemns guys who coerce money out of those who've earned it, he'll have nothing left to talk about.

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Can you imagine if George Bush refused to comment on hijackers because they were white guys with cowboy hats?

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Dear Jon Stewart: And what you're worried about now is called "dissent." http://tr.im/iDO4 P.S. Why did I have to watch a commercial first?

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The reason I never answer Twitter's question -- "What are you doing?" -- is that you really don't want to know. Especially right now.

***


Raise the Twitanic!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:29 PM

April 08, 2009

The past tense of "think" is "thought," so the past tense of "Tweet" must be "Twought"

Here are some of the Twitter Tweets I have Twitted over the last few days. I figure, as long as all these hilarious comedians keep insisting they can't find any humor in the First Real President We've Ever Had, I might as well move in on that action:

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One anagram of "President Barack Obama" is "An Arab backed imposter." Just one of those weird things that has nothing to do with reality.

***

The Queen of England gets an iPod. The King of Saudi Arabia gets iDolatry.

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That North Korean missile escaped President Obama's notice because it didn't receive a retention bonus.

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When it comes to deficit spending, Obama burns down your house and reminds you that Bush once lit a match.

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Remember when Bush said "I don't know what the term is in Austrian"? It's not a language, you rube! Whoops, I meant Obama. http://tr.im/iioW

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Schwarzenegger isn't much of a governor, but it's inspiring that he's come so far since arriving in our country and only speaking Austrian.

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President Barack Obama has received accolades from around the world for his precise and masterful command of the American language.

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I wish they'd free Mumia already. Why would he have killed that cop? Who had even HEARD of Limbaugh and Beck back in '81? http://tr.im/ik9G

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Obama's like a kid in a candy store. By which I mean a store actually made of candy. And it won't stop raining.

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President Obama just sent Kim Jong-il a strongly worded apology.

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This just in: Some media outlets "leaned on the scales a little bit" for POTUS. http://tr.im/il4s In other news, Atlantis is "a bit damp."

***

Domino's just delivered an extra-large pepperoni to Oliver Willis, when he SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED double pepperoni. Glenn Beck's revenge?

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BREAKING NEWS: People Who Like Obama Tend to Have Favorable Opinion of Obama http://tr.im/inXF

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Campbell Brown gives birth, allegedly: http://tr.im/ioZR So far, Andrew Sullivan seems to be satisfied with her cover story.

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@dailydish Don't you think it's odd that Campbell Brown is claiming that a miniature human came out of her? So much for "No Bias, No Bull"!

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Campbell Brown's page: http://tr.im/ip55 Um, do YOU guys see any "babies"? Oh, sure, she's on "maternity leave," whatever that means.

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The only man-caused disaster Joe Biden knows about is the one above his neck: http://tr.im/iplh

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BREAKING: Michigan State Appeals for 18-Point Bailout

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Wepwesentative Bawney Fwank weceives incweasing evidence that wunnin' things, it ain't all gwavy: http://tr.im/iprH

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Instead of "enemy combatants," how about "differently friendly social-change facilitators"? (Too blunt?) http://tr.im/ipxv

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Obama nixes Omaha Beach trip to honor WWII dead: http://tr.im/iqwi Someone told him "Those guys had cojones," & he misheard it as "bonuses."

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When they arrested the Unabomber, he had a heavily underlined copy of Al Gore's "Earth in the Balance." Which he bought to spite Glenn Beck.

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Newly discovered documents reveal Lee Harvey Oswald acted on orders from 12-year-old Rush Limbaugh. Jack Ruby's dying word: "Megadittoes."

***

Tweet me with your best twought!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:01 AM

March 17, 2009

Twitter: A great new way to put off doing your taxes

If you could reconstruct your own body, atom by atom, why would you still be hung like a popcorn kernel? Sorry, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons.

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"Do you know of anyone whose opinion of Obama is higher now than when he was elected or inaugurated?" Just one: Obama. http://tr.im/hoFR

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In the first draft, Ozymandias tricked Dr. Manhattan into destroying NYC by following him down the street and yelling, "Quick, turn around!"

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When Obama meets Queen Elizabeth, she "won't be getting any DVDs." Which means he still has some VHS tapes lying around. http://tr.im/hp6B

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What's the big deal about Obama doing the Tonight Show? Don't you remember all those great appearances by President Rickles?

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"I'm just a bill, yes, I'm only a bill. If I don't get passed, the Earth will be killed!" http://tr.im/hrmn

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GIBBS: Gelatinous Imbecile Babbles Barackian Shinola

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Happy Irish National Religious Holiday Transformed Into Lurid Global Drinking Binge! Here is a recycled cartoon. http://tr.im/hsT3

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And yet *I* get in trouble for calling the guy a cold fish. http://tr.im/hsYG

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Tapper vs. Gibbs is a deadly game of cat and mouse, assuming the cat is a puma and the mouse has irreparable brain damage. http://tr.im/ht7u

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When you talk about something Limbaugh or O'Reilly said, it's part of a right-wing conspiracy. JournoList? Oh, that's just a coffee klatch.

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JournoList participants include Matthew Yglesias and Ezra Klein. No word yet on the rest of Jim Henson's Pundit Babies.

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I'm behind Jack Cafferty('s car) all the way (because his front bumper tends to hit things after he's had a few) on this: http://tr.im/htJy

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One way to win people over: Don't make this face every time you appear in public. http://tr.im/htOv Also, pay your damn taxes, deadbeat.

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Geithner just keeps finding checkboxes he forgot to click in TurboCompetence. http://tr.im/htRG

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After a certain age, you owe it to yourself and everyone around you to rethink your commitment to nudism.

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Ezra Klein's defense of JournoList is like defending Rahm's daily conference calls by saying, "But EVERYBODY uses phones!" http://tr.im/huoJ

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"Ultimate Predator" fossil found? http://tr.im/huql I didn't even know Scott Ritter was dead.

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If you know what "Frozen Donkey Wheel" means, submit your nickname for THIS year's cliffhanger at http://tr.im/hu2W. Mine is "LOL, Suckers!"

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Sci-Fi Channel = SyFy. Food Network = YumYum. Comedy Central = LOLZ. Discovery Channel = Hey! Arts & Entertainment = Neither. MSNBC = ZZZ.

***

I am! In a world! Of Twit!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 08:27 PM

March 15, 2009

The Twit is hot tonight

Bill Clinton thinks embryos can be unfertilized. http://tr.im/hiCC His previous biology lesson: "Oh, Monica, that'll wash right out."

***

Mass walkouts during Watchmen? http://tr.im/hiHQ They're probably running out for some blueberry popsicles. (Joke stolen from @DougBenson.)

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I don't get why Chas Freeman flopped. We've got a tax cheat running the IRS, so why not put a crazy person in charge of intelligence?

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The 25 DVDs Obama gave Gordon Brown. http://tr.im/hjbq Too bad nobody's made a movie called "Rot in Hell, You Blind Limey."

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Who knew Doug Ross's entire stay at County General was just casing the joint so he & 10-12 of his friends could heist the hospital pharmacy?

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The worst economic crisis since the Depression isn't as bad as we think. http://is.gd/n69N Why do we think so? Well um HEY LOOK OVER THERE!

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I've never cared much about Jim Cramer, but it's "funny" how he didn't become a problem for Jon Stewart until he became a problem for Obama.

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It turns out that if you're put in charge of the IRS even after everybody finds out you're a tax cheat, nobody wants to work for you. Weird!

***

It's official: Twitter now rules my life. I blame @jackiedanicki. And social anxiety disorder.

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"Niiiiice, yes? She make good wife, I sell her to you, yes?" http://tr.im/hlLB

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Keith Olbermann breaks stories like he graduates from Ivy League schools:
http://tr.im/hnIN

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Olbermann and Maddow, combined, manage to beat Fox's #6 by the population of a small town. Non-sexual victory hug! http://tr.im/hm7w

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At first Obama said we were looking at economic catastrophe, but now he's downgraded it to kittenastrophe.

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If the president is black and a person who's not black criticizes him, that's racism. Criticism of a white prez from non-whites is msicar.

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@MKupperman "We all gotta go sometime," said lazy Louis Pasteur.

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@MKupperman "Maybe next year," said lazy Christopher Columbus.

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@MKupperman "Ehhhh, I'd just get it all over my pants," said lazy Picasso.

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@MKupperman "I don't really have a problem with those folks," said lazy Hitler.

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@MKupperman "And then what?" asked lazy Sir Edmund Hillary.

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@MKupperman "I could always name a hospital after them," thought lazy Bruce Wayne.

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@MKupperman "Back then things were pretty confusing," began lazy Charles Dickens.

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I think my audiologist is going nuts. He kept talking about my "scented, nervous cistern."

***

Obama jokes that the GOP wants him to go to Brazil and get lost in the Amazon. Ouch, he'd really scratch up his ears. http://tr.im/hnMo

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This Twit is the bomb!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:40 AM

March 12, 2009

Twitter Twitter Twitter Twitter Twitter

Watchstrap? Who would make a movie about that? I used to have a watch. Where's my watch? You know who was good, was Bette Davis. #goml

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Obama to meet with Queen of England next month. http://is.gd/m95v She's really going to like that Big City Slider Station.

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Cellphones are mad cheap! How else can he call the cops if someone steals his shopping cart of cans and baby-doll parts? http://is.gd/mbGG

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I want Obama to succeed at failure. See? There's no need to be so negative about it.

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Second draft: I want Obama to succeed at something other than the things he's doing now. Also, Axelrod should get mustache cancer. Whoops!

***

Meghan McCain is wrong to call Ann Coulter a train wreck. Trains usually contain some sort of food.

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Of course, Maher is even worse: http://tinyurl.com/aluzjg I wish he'd go back to his previous job, but nobody wants to make DC Cab 2.

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Signs You Might Be Overreaching, Pt. 437: Bragging in public about setting up an echo chamber. http://is.gd/mKJU

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Chas Freeman went down like a Chinese student under a tank.

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Vile Party Hack Wants President to Fail (Note: Headline is from 2001) http://bit.ly/iXO

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If Rorschach fought Danny Bonaduce, and the winner fought Carrot Top, and the winner of THAT teabagged Ron Howard, that would be awesome.

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TurboTax Geithner says "capitalism will be different." Kinda like that one time we made Hiroshima & Nagasaki "different." http://is.gd/mW1B

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I'd like to thank @Glinner for the first episode of Black Books, which I watch every year around this time. (I like the other episodes too.)

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BREAKING NEWS: People Who Don't Like Rush Limbaugh Don't Like Rush Limbaugh http://is.gd/mZrc

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Twitter is the opposite of real life: here, hot babes follow ME. You gals are lucky. You don't have to worry about leaving DNA evidence.

***

Fascist pigs harass noted educator over 40-year-old littering offense: http://is.gd/mZXL

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I know Obama's probably not a Muslim, but his teleprompter is like the Koran: Every time he reads from it, a market blows up.

Same Twit, different day!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:43 AM

March 05, 2009

More recycled Twits or Tweets or whatever the hell they're called

I wish someone had told me before today that Scarlett Johansson is actually a clone manufactured in Germany. And where I can get one.

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@AlisonRosen "When did Janeane Garofalo turn into somebody who served me coffee in 1994?" (http://is.gd/lo8V) made me LOL and SMP.

***

I haven't seen a Dow this low since Eddie Haskell called Wally a real goon.

***

Just ordered a pizza with Chris Buckley. He asked for pineapple and triple anchovies, trusting that they'd top it with pepperoni instead.

***

David Brooks wakes from Matrix, calls for moderates to rise up: "Why are my muscles so weak?" "You've never used them." http://is.gd/lBUC

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Now we know how Michelle O. got such great biceps: Slamming the door on low-income hospital patients. http://bit.ly/14nf7B

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If Robert Gibbs was a spokesman for NASA, I'd start to question the moon landing.

***

I'm not a big Ann Coulter fan, but after she landed this kick, Olbermann was up on the roof looking for his balls: http://bit.ly/YOCOS

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Look on the bright side, libs: Bush Sr. only PUKED all over another world leader. Obama one-upped him! Well, #2-upped. http://bit.ly/2m2o6

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Dear UK: Now you know how WE feel. Maybe they just couldn't set up his tel-uh-prompter in time? http://bit.ly/vr5T1 Signed, The Other 48%

***

The Slap Chop and the Snuggie didn’t ship in time to give to Gordon, so Michelle printed the receipt and put it inside one of the DVD cases.

***

I'm glad they waited until now to knight Ted Kennedy, because all that armor would've made it tough to swim.

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Check this Twit out!

Posted by Jim Treacher at 04:14 PM

March 01, 2009

If you're not following me on Twitter, here's some of what you're missing

Biden's first act as stimulus czar: Figuring out whether or not the "c" is silent.

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Tonight on "24": Jack Bauer must drink 9 shots of Maker's Mark by 6 PM or the president will die. http://tinyurl.com/c9tdn6

***

Maybe we should send Rick Santelli to Gitmo. That would get Obama on his side.

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Sounds like Jindal bombed, but at least it'll give Biden a good excuse for some funny 7/11 gags. 9:43 PM Feb 24th from web (Date and time given so I'm not accused of ripping off Limbaugh)

***

It's weird that Helen Thomas could be racist against people from India, considering she used to date Mahatma Ghandi.

***

Just talked to Helen Thomas. She was like, "Would Jindal try to put up a teepee on the White House lawn?" Didn't have the heart to tell her.

***

What would have a higher score: Stevie Wonder and Stephen Hawking playing soccer, or Helen Thomas and Joe Biden playing Scrabble?

***

Hey, when's Slate.com (that's the website number) going to start a "Bidenisms" column? Also, "Internets" = LOL, calling Iowa "Ottawa" = Shhh

***

Or was it calling Ottawa "Iowa"? I don't know, those white folks all look the same to me.

***

Almost 90% of home foreclosures are happening in CA, FL, NV, and AZ. Break out your checkbooks, you other 53 states! http://is.gd/kYZU

***

Biden haiku: "Stimulus package"/That's your mom's nickname for it/(Don't touch the hair, babe)

***

They'd better not impose the Fairness Doctrine on Twitter. Rebuttal: Twitter is unfair and should be subject to some sort of doctrine.

***

Remember when Kirk, Spock, and Bones started aging really fast? I liked that one. http://is.gd/l1sK BTW, have you seen Obama lately?

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"Anybody got a dirty fish tank?" http://is.gd/l1Ug

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The new voice of black America: http://is.gd/l7Ny

***

Garofaloku: Listen up, black folks/Failure to think like I do/Is just self-loathing

***

Note to Andrew Sullivan: Hurricanes have human names, but not human birth certificates. Happy hunting anyway.

***

Another Kanye West Storytellers outtake: "Hitler had some good ideas, y'all. And them outfits was TIGHT." http://is.gd/laLz

***

It would suck to be twins in the Colonial fleet. "You dirty Cylon!" Leave me alone, dude.

***

What, you think you can do better? Go ahead.

Posted by Jim Treacher at 12:33 PM